Feeling Like Less of a Wife Since Pregnancy — The Bump
1st Trimester

Feeling Like Less of a Wife Since Pregnancy

I feel like a worse wife since I've been pregnant.  Does anyone else feel the same way?

My backstory (you might have a different reason): We're really lucky and I'm thankful for that; I have a fantastic husband who was splitting chores with me before I got pregnant, and we didn't have too many anyway because we have a housekeeper every other week.  My chores were taking care of the cats and dishes.  With toxoplasmosis fears, my husband has taken over cat litter.  The dishes, frankly, are not too time-consuming, since it's just us two right now and the dishwasher takes care of the messy part.
I also have completely lost my sex drive since I got pregnant.  So, I feel guilty about that.  I help him out in other ways in that department, but without being in the mood myself, it hasn't gone perfectly.
I bring home a majority of our income, so there's that--I work really long hours.  My husband is starting his own business out of the home and currently brings home a little of our income from a part-time job--he lost his full-time job about a month ago.  I still feel guilty, though, like I'm emasculating him by having him do all the chores and not being interested in sex anymore.

Re: Feeling Like Less of a Wife Since Pregnancy

  • You can't feel bad on yourself for needing to slow down during pregnancy. It's only a temporary situation anyway. You're doing all the hard work here, so DH should be supporting you and it sounds like he is.
    I just had to send DH out to source his own dinner as I just can't bear the thought of cooking right now. Doesn't make me a bad wife. I'm just pregnant!

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    09/23/11 - Married DH

    04/01/13 - BFP at 4wks

    05/30/13 - MMC - BO @ 12wks 5d

    08/29/13 - BFP @ 4wks 4d

    09/17/13 - 7wks 2d - Normal HB Detected! Baby measuring perfect for dates and positioning!  

    10/23/13 - 12wks 3d - Perfect NT scan! HB 167 & baby wriggling, waving & yawning!

    12/17/13 - 20wks 2 d - We're having a beautiful baby girl! Go Team Pink!

    05/03/14 - Bobbie Gloria was born at 39+6 weighing 6lb 14oz!

  • Thanks!  That makes me feel better!
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  • I know exactly how you feel, and this is my second go around. But your husband is probably so thrilled at the thought of the two of you having a baby and also feeling a little helpless with you feeling so terrible. Men want to fix things, and since he can't fix your symptoms, I'm sure he's happy to help in any way he can. That's what my DH keeps telling me. As far as sex goes, I can't even remember the last time we did it, and now that I have sch, I doubt we will be able to for a loooooong time. Poor guy. He's been super understanding. I'd just be sure to keep communicating how much he means to you and how much you appreciate his help. And chin up, you're not a bad wife! You're growing a baby! That's a big deal!
    DH & I: 29
    TTC #1 4/2009 -  DD 2/5/10
    TTC #2 since October 2011
    2IF issues
    7/2013 - IUI #1: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFN
    8/2013 - IUI #2: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFP! Beta #1 (12 dpiui) 8/21: 45  Beta #2 (16 dpiui) 8/26: 301 Beta #3 (21 dpiui) 8/30: 1,929. 1st Ultrasound 9/4 - One perfect sac. 2nd Ultrasound 9/13 - Heartbeat at 124 bpm! Anniversary  

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  • With all of my pregnancies, I've been totally repulsed by DH for the entire first trimester. I don't even want to touch him, let alone have sex with him. It's normal. Just let him know what's going on.
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  • Just so your know, I was the same way, and then in my second and third trimester I was a like a dog in heat! I NEEDED it every night! My poor husband was trying to catch up with me, and it was crazy! Your drive will make a come back, and after you have the baby it will vanish again for a while... Its all part of the process! :o)
    Good Luck!

    Started TTC in 2006, LOTS of trying, and trying, and 7 rounds of IVF with 13 embryos, 2 perfect little boys and 5 loses....
    All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!

    Baby Dust To All!!!

    jgough625
  • kfdecarie said:
    Just so your know, I was the same way, and then in my second and third trimester I was a like a dog in heat! I NEEDED it every night! My poor husband was trying to catch up with me, and it was crazy! Your drive will make a come back, and after you have the baby it will vanish again for a while... Its all part of the process! :o)
    Good Luck!
    But don't be surprised if this doesn't happen for you.  Not all women gain their sex drive back after the first trimester.  It doesn't make you a bad wife.  Sounds like you have a supportive DH; just keep up your communication with him and always let him know how you're feeling.  
    ~Married my best friend 06/27/2010~ ~Miscarriage July 2010~ ~Hannah Leigh born 07/26/2011 (5 weeks early) @ 8:38am 4lbs 15oz~
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    PrimRoseMama
  • I used to be superwoman and my husband can't be left for a weekend...and now has to help, lol. I have a small farm and now he has to help me feed and get the babies into roaming pens then put away again at night.

    I asked if I could sleep in Friday because he was off. I woke up a little after 7 and got up to find someone's lunch on the floor and someone else's pills still on the table. He also has catbox duty, now.

    We haven't had sex SINCE creating this little turtle. And he still tells me how much he appreciates me.

    We are older and this is a high risk pregnancy, so he doesn't mind doing the bending and stopping I shouldn't do. And I know he really wants to bump uglies, but we just went to the ER for bleeding. I have a cyst which may be the cause, but as soon as he saw the blip and beating heart, he forgot about everything else.

    You and your husband are in this together, don't forget that. You each need to be there for the other. I'm sure, if your husband is like most men and bed ridden with sniffles, you take over without skipping a beat,

  • me too! I'm nauseous and bloated and just...don't want it.  He's being really good about it though but I feel bad.  He's also doing most of the cooking and cleaning due my nausea...I work full time and run my own business, but I just try to help where/when I can. I unloaded the dishwasher this morning and I could tell he really appreciated just the little things. I also
    Zoysite
  • I feel very sorry for any woman that only defines success in their role as the wife in a relationship by the amount of sex that is had and by doing all of the cleaning. It's not 1950.

    Fine but sex is also important in a relationship. And anyone who says its not might need to talk to someone or work on it if they want the relationship to last.
    big0700109
  • MH has been doing 100% of the cooking and cleaning and laundry while I alternate vomiting and laying on the couch. I'm growing his child. Can't think of anything he'd rather have. I'll do my share when I'm able but until then he is going to have to step it up. I don't feel a bit guilty and he doesn't put any pressure on me. He would much rather do some extra chores than vomit. For sure.
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    DS - 2 years old
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  • 8w3d here. We haven't had sex since we conceived our gummy bear. I explained to DH that I'm tired, I feel crappy, and I'm bloated like crazy. Just let me get through the first trimester and it'll get better.

    I've also been slacking on housework and he has willingly picked up the slack, which rocks.

    Chin up. You're growing a human, you're doing more than enough work. :)
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    Zoysite
  • I agree with the other posters! The first trimester is the absolute worst. You feel awful, tired, and sex is the last thing I always felt like I could do by the end of the day. I definitely feel guilty and bad for being so tired and making terrible dinners, but I just try to get through it, its definitely much better in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, and the sex is awesome then! :) It will get better. Go easy on yourself and I am sure your dh doesn't think of it that way at all...its hard work growing a baby and I'm sure he's just appreciative of that! 
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    jgough625Zoysite
  • We've had sex once since conception, and had to stop because it made me nauseous. DH completely understands that I'm experiencing a lot of changes and reminds me to take it easy on myself. I'm not always going to shlep around the house and not take care of what I feel is "my" share in the responsibilities in our lives. I do not feel like less of a wife because we made a decision to have a child and part of giving life to that child is resulting in me feeling crappy and being unable to do simple things like fold laundry.  I think you really need to sit down and work through your feelings. You are placing so much emphasis on such a minute part of your relationship. Let your DH know that you are feeling like you aren't contributing as much as you used to and that it's bothering you, any supportive husband would tell you not to be silly and to take care of yourself. So what if the dishes sit an extra day. I promise you, the world will not end. Our laundry won't be folded tonight. Maybe not even tomorrow, but it will get done.
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  • awc1986 said:
    You can't feel bad on yourself for needing to slow down during pregnancy. It's only a temporary situation anyway. You're doing all the hard work here, so DH should be supporting you and it sounds like he is. I just had to send DH out to source his own dinner as I just can't bear the thought of cooking right now. Doesn't make me a bad wife. I'm just pregnant!
    Haha. I did this basically the whole first trimester. Even now some nights I just can't stand the thought of food so I always keep some very easy-to-assemble dinners around for him to make.

    OP, I'm a SAHM. Part of the agreement DH and I made when I quit my job was that I would take over most of the housework including cooking. My morning sickness was so bad the first 10 weeks, I only had it in me to take care of our daughter, nothing else. I hardly lifted a finger when it came to cleaning and cooking. It happens. DH picked up the slack for a while, just like I know he will when our LO arrives. Learn to go easy on yourself now so you don't feel this guilt when your LO is here and it's all you can do to feed and change them before you both go back to sleep. Oh, and believe me when I say that you very likely won't be interested in sex for a while then also.
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  • Yeah...well, it's funny because I know the exact date that my husband had sex because it was two days after I ovulated...which is about 6 weeks.  Poor guy.  Don't feel too bad, you have to lug around a bowling bowl and give up a hell of a lot more than he does...it's the LEAST he could do for you to take on the chores ;-)

    PS, I work as an exec and he does most of the heavy lifting regarding cooking and cleaning with our daughter because he gets home at 3 pm every day...I got over feeling bad a LONG time ago.
    Zoysite
  • I am happy to read that I'm not the only one who isn't in the mood.  I am just so tired all. the. time. that I can't figure out how to get all sexy for him...not to mention the bloating is so not attractive at the moment!  I keep hoping that I'll get my drive back, and maybe it will, maybe it won't, but I am just over the moon to be experiencing this feeling since it's our first and we've done 2 rounds of IVF to get here!!

    Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that you're growing a baby, that's sexy enough! :-)

     

    TTC 8/1/11 Met with RE: 9/7/12; starting with BW on next CD3 and HSG between CD7-11. Husband has SA 9/21/12; meth with RE 10/11-diagnosed with Male fertility issues 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally, only IVF.  Insurance doesn't cover IVF, took a break from trying until we could save the money.
    June 19-Begin injections for IVF Round 1- only 1 egg dropped, fertilized but did not attach
    August 8-Begin IVF round 2, more aggressive, 10 egges, all 10 fertilized, implanted 1, froze 4
    September 14-got the call that we are expecting!!!

    Zoysite
  • We've had an easy pregnancy (knock on wood). I've been waiting for the crazy dog in heat stuff to come back, but so far nothing. Sex a couple times a week is it. And my love just keeps smiling and being wonderful. We talk about it, and we both say that this is a new chapter for us.

    Or you could keep beating yourself up, but that's not going to do anyone any good. So breathe. Enjoy being pregnant. And keep telling him how much you appreciate the things he does do.

    jgough625
  • Don't feel bad about what's going on. It's not going to last forever and I'm sure your husband understands. My entire first trimester was spent throwing up, feeling like I needed to or being so tired I thought I was going to die... We did not often have sex, maybe a few times but that was it. To make it better... I was so sick that when he was at work, I didn't have the ability to get out of bed some days because I felt so horrible and that made it very difficult to take care of my dog and cats! My husband is gone for 4 days at a time for work so it's not like he could help me when he got home every day. So to top it all off, my very tolerant husband decided it would be ok for us to move in with my parents for a couple months while we were waiting for our house to finish being built...
    Haha I imagine its not his favorite situation but he's closer to my parents than he is to his own, and he likes that they are here to help me when he's gone. Now, I'm 17 weeks and feeling much better so functioning is easier but my sex drive hasn't really returned.. I'm just not one of those people!
    Overall, the bottom line is that most of us go through similar problems and its only temporary! Your husband sounds sweet and understanding so don't worry too much. I'm sure he understands more than you think. I will admit I don't feel like the best wife ever but it's not going to last forever :-)

    Jeez.. I write novels on here...
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    jgough625
  • beccam1230beccam1230
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    edited September 2013
    Stupid duplicate post..
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  • With my first, I got really "in the mood" during my 3rd trimester and we wasn't really into it...too bad he had no choice LOL.
    beccam1230
  • This is making me feel so much better.  I've been feeling so guilty because we haven't had sex in a week.  I can honestly say that is the longest he has ever gone with out it since we've been together except for the time I was out of town for 10 days.  I do think sex is really important in a relationship but it's never seemed like such a chore before.  He keeps reading about how some women get really in the mood so I'm hoping that happens to me for his sake!
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  • Listen you're growing a baby. He has to deal. Growing a human is hard work! You should be pampered :)
    1st loss 8/31
    2nd pregnancy -TWINS lost DD1 twin at 8 weeks 6 days DD1 born 6 weeks early
    3rd pregnancy- TWINS AGAIN lost both babies at 9 week appt
    4th pregnancy- singleton- born at 38 weeks 1 day with the help of weekly 17P injections
    5th pregnancy- CP in June
    6th pregnancy It's a BOY


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