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Strange single mom vs. single dad thing I noticed

emme022emme022 member
in Blended Families
So a few of my friends have started online dating which is what made me first notice this but after I had I realized I have heard it a lot in other situations too.  So whenever a mom's profile says she has kids people will ask general questions about them etc and when women I know have separated from their kids dads they say they are really sorry, its to bad etc.  When a guy says he has kids one of the first questions seems to be oh do you get to see them often?  And when they split up with the mother of their child there are the sorrys etc too but also questions about will you get to see them much and all that.  I have also heard people say oh does she let you see the kids often which I don't really like since it makes it seem like only moms can decide ya know.

I just thought it was kind of interesting how even today people seem to assume mom keeps the kids and dad gets to visit with them sometimes and that he is "lucky" the mom is nice enough to let him.  In our situation my SO and BM have LO 50/50 so neither has her more than the other and a lot of people seem surprised when SO mentions that.  And many people assume BM is raising LO "on her own" which she lets them believe.  

I just was surprised about how often I heard things like that and how I did not even really notice it until I was in the situation itself.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing?
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Re: Strange single mom vs. single dad thing I noticed

  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    Yes! In done cases it may be true but in others it is a common stereotype. I think originally maybe the moms always got the kids but it is much more diverse then that and each situation is different
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  • Mkherren12Mkherren12 member
    But I think it is still more common for moms to initially be given primary custody. I know in my case my XH was all particular about making sure he had plenty of time in the co. Here we are 3 years later and in the last 4 months he's seen dd for about 12-15 hours. I don't keep her from him in anyway. And I realize his work schedule is crazy. I'd be willing to work something out. But he doesn't even call and try to see her. He recently had another child and he wasn't even going to pick her up and take her to meet her siblings. His parents had to ask if they could bring her up to the hospital. She asks about seeing him
    Every once in awhile and I don't want to be ugly so I try to just say he's working and he will see her soon. In my experience its not a natural thing for men to bend over backwards and make time for their kids. It something that takes encouragement from the spouse, so when divorce happens it easy for men to get caught up is their lives and unintentionally not see their kids for awhile. If they remarry to me it's impairitive that the new spouse encourage have the kids as much as possible. In my case his wife wishes my dd and me never exhisted so that makes it harder for xh. Just my thoughts.
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    I think as obnoxious as it may seem, it's not meant to be. Most people ask questions based on their own experiences. With as prevalent as divorce/never married parents are today most can name quite a few people who have gone through a custody battle-probably aome ugly ones-and very few I would imagine can name a father who has full custody.
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  • agibbyagibby member

    My DH and his XW have 50/50 joint and legal. He fought for it.

    Thankfully, it seems courts are seeing now that if both parents are willing and fit then they should both have equal rights in the child's life. I remember my dad rarely seeing his DD when I was young, and her mom called all the shots, keeping his DD from him on the weekends dad was supposed to see her, etc. All out of spite. I'm so glad to see that dad's are being seen as equally important in a child's life and that language is on place in the CO to protect against those kinds of spiteful acts.

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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    I live in Texas. Here the standard visitation schedule sucks! I don't see how any NCP can be a "real" parent just seeing there child EOW 6 to 6 and seeing the child for dinner once a week. I think it really is the CP raising the child "on their own". I don't know every situation I just know what I was raised in and how all of our children are being raised.
    utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Getting Pregnant">Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    I agree with a little bit of everything all PPs have said. The stereotypes originated from truth but now I can say I know more "deadbeat dads" who pay child support and see their child as much as they can, and I see a lot more "hardworking sacrificing single moms" abusing the system and using their kids to get charity and sympathy. So while the old stereotypes do definitely still exist, I think there's been a major switch in ideology in this decade and finally, like a PP said, the courts are slowly starting to realize it too.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Honestly, I am probably guilty of this. While more and more custody situations are ending in 50/50, I would guess that statistically more moms are still the CP with the dad being the NCP with the mom having the mority of time with the child[ren]. This is why that "stereotype" still exists.

    96.5% of SAHPs are women, while only 3.5% are men
    82% of primary school teachers are women, while only 18% are men
    "Women are more in touch with their feelings and can more easily express them than men can. They have an increased ability to bond and be connected to others, which is why women tend to be the primary caretakers for children. There is no society on earth where this is the man's role."

    I'm not saying this is right or wrong, I'm just stating the facts.

    And of course my freaking computer closes out the internet session and won't let me restore it. Sorry for no sources cited, and I'm too lazy to look them up again.
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  • emme022emme022 member
    I can definitely see what you are saying Twister and I agree on a lot of it too actually. I think what more bothers me is the idea people have that the mom gets to decide if/when they get to see there child and they are "lucky" if she "lets" them. I know it's that way for some people but Dad's also have more rights than it seems they used to.

    Even with 50/50 BM thinks this way and tries to dictate how everything should go, what SO can/can not do etc and informs him of almost nothing if she doesn't have to because "she's her mother so she's the only one who needs to know". I definitely see ur points though and do totally get why a lot of people think that way.

    I also know my SO's case still isn't the norm if the people I see on Facebook are any indication.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    emcmac87 said:
    I can definitely see what you are saying Twister and I agree on a lot of it too actually. I think what more bothers me is the idea people have that the mom gets to decide if/when they get to see there child and they are "lucky" if she "lets" them. I know it's that way for some people but Dad's also have more rights than it seems they used to. Even with 50/50 BM thinks this way and tries to dictate how everything should go, what SO can/can not do etc and informs him of almost nothing if she doesn't have to because "she's her mother so she's the only one who needs to know". I definitely see ur points though and do totally get why a lot of people think that way. I also know my SO's case still isn't the norm if the people I see on Facebook are any indication.
    I couldn't agree more with the bold. It always annoys me when someone's like "It's so nice that you let DS see BD!" Ummm, what? People have it in their head that since DS has DH as a great father figure, that he doesn't need BD anymore. Study after study has proven that kids thrive and are happiest if they have a good relationship with BOTH their SF & BD, and I will do my best to make sure that happens.
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