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Flame me. Update on BD & the garage

twister22twister22 member
in Blended Families
I asked BD if he had even LOOKED at apartments. Guess what his answer was? No. Are you freaking kidding me? He is such a mooch.

Anyway, I asked him what he wanted, he said 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, and gave me his monthly preferred budget and maximum budget, as well as the area he liked to be.

So, I go online and look up places within his qualifications. Guess what? There are tons.

I call him and let him know, and he asks me if I can schedule times for us to look at some of them tomorrow. I say sure (I know, I know. I should just tell him to do it himself, but I know he won't and I just can't stand for DS's little sister to be in a freaking garage.) 

I say that I'll set up the first one for 9:30. He says make in noon, because his new GF A is coming over tomorrow in the morning. Seriously? Shouldn't finding a flipping home for your kids take precedent over hanging with your new GF? Apparently not...

I make a few quick phone calls, and schedule four places to see tomorrow.

Flame me now.
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Re: Flame me. Update on BD & the garage

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  • twister22twister22 member
    jobalchak said:
    What does your DH say about all this?  I cannot imagine my DH being ok with me going apartment-hunting with DC, and I wouldn't be comfortable with DH going apartment-hunting with BM.  Using our truck to help move?  Sure.  Take a meal over and drop it off because moving frigging sucks and no one wants to cook after moving?  Alright.  Keep K while BM is arranging stuff and waiting for power to get turned on?  Definitely.  But I personally feel like helping to pick out a place to live crosses some boundaries. 
    DH isn't jumping for joy, super happy, but he too wants DS to have the best relationship possible with BD. And the best place to live possible.

    I KNOW that I should just let him go look by himself. But I'm stupid and I'm going to continue enabling him, at least for tomorrow.

    And to the bold - while I have no problem helping him find a place, and I just can't picture myself taking him a meal. That's something I do for friend's who just moved/had a baby/had surgery/has family in the hospital/lost a loved one/etc. I feel like taking him a meal is crossing a line. Lol
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    twister22 said:
    jobalchak said:
    What does your DH say about all this?  I cannot imagine my DH being ok with me going apartment-hunting with DC, and I wouldn't be comfortable with DH going apartment-hunting with BM.  Using our truck to help move?  Sure.  Take a meal over and drop it off because moving frigging sucks and no one wants to cook after moving?  Alright.  Keep K while BM is arranging stuff and waiting for power to get turned on?  Definitely.  But I personally feel like helping to pick out a place to live crosses some boundaries. 
    DH isn't jumping for joy, super happy, but he too wants DS to have the best relationship possible with BD. And the best place to live possible.

    I KNOW that I should just let him go look by himself. But I'm stupid and I'm going to continue enabling him, at least for tomorrow.

    And to the bold - while I have no problem helping him find a place, and I just can't picture myself taking him a meal. That's something I do for friend's who just moved/had a baby/had surgery/has family in the hospital/lost a loved one/etc. I feel like taking him a meal is crossing a line. Lol

    Years ago when BM actually moved into an apartment (and things with her were on good terms) I made a lasagna and took it over to her for that first night.  Mainly because she had K that night and I wanted to make sure K actually got fed.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    jobalchak said:
    twister22 said:
    jobalchak said:
    What does your DH say about all this?  I cannot imagine my DH being ok with me going apartment-hunting with DC, and I wouldn't be comfortable with DH going apartment-hunting with BM.  Using our truck to help move?  Sure.  Take a meal over and drop it off because moving frigging sucks and no one wants to cook after moving?  Alright.  Keep K while BM is arranging stuff and waiting for power to get turned on?  Definitely.  But I personally feel like helping to pick out a place to live crosses some boundaries. 
    DH isn't jumping for joy, super happy, but he too wants DS to have the best relationship possible with BD. And the best place to live possible.

    I KNOW that I should just let him go look by himself. But I'm stupid and I'm going to continue enabling him, at least for tomorrow.

    And to the bold - while I have no problem helping him find a place, and I just can't picture myself taking him a meal. That's something I do for friend's who just moved/had a baby/had surgery/has family in the hospital/lost a loved one/etc. I feel like taking him a meal is crossing a line. Lol

    Years ago when BM actually moved into an apartment (and things with her were on good terms) I made a lasagna and took it over to her for that first night.  Mainly because she had K that night and I wanted to make sure K actually got fed.
    Now you're making me think it's a good idea. All he ever feeds the kids is crap food - fast food and t.v. dinners.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    wendilea said:
    You think bringing him a casserole is crossing a line (something most would do for an acquaintance like you said) but you're willing to schedule times for him to go apartment hunting AND go with him (something only couples/good friends would do IMO)? 

    I agree, stop enabling him.  Tell him when/where the apartment tours are, and tell him you will not let DS spend the night until he gets an APPROPRIATE home with a functional bathroom/kitchen, etc.  It's up to him to pick one of the apartments if he wants to have DS spend the night.
    Crossing a line was the wrong phrase. It's just weird to me. But helping find a place to live is not. I'm not saying it makes sense. It's just how my "comfort level" rolls.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    Maybe making food seems too intimate because dinner is made with love. Everyone has their own boundaries and quirks. For me, I think helping him find places online and sending them to him, isn't that big of a deal. However, there is no way I would be helping him look at places. That is something couples do together and seems like a huge boundary being crossed. I don't blame your DH for being uncomfortable. Not necessarily because something would happen, but because apartment hunting is a fun thing you do when you are planning your future with someone, not bailing out a lazy Ex.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    I think you are enabling him. In no way will this help your child in the long run. I KNOW you have good intentions and you are just trying to help out, but in the end I think it is a very bad idea. I think you know that as well. You are picking up after him and allowing him to be a shit father. 
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    Where is Krissy at with Karma's quote in her siggy when we need it?
    I think it was something to the effect of: if baking a cake means something than I must be a slut.

    Back the OP: I wouldn't apartment shop with him because that's overstepping IMO and sets a precedence for him to think he can rely on you in the future. He needs to sink or swim as a father on his own.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • twister22twister22 member
    Lavender P said:
    Maybe making food seems too intimate because dinner is made with love. Everyone has their own boundaries and quirks. For me, I think helping him find places online and sending them to him, isn't that big of a deal. However, there is no way I would be helping him look at places. That is something couples do together and seems like a huge boundary being crossed. I don't blame your DH for being uncomfortable. Not necessarily because something would happen, but because apartment hunting is a fun thing you do when you are planning your future with someone, not bailing out a lazy Ex.
    Thanks for that, I needed to hear that.
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  • SigirSigir member
    You've got to take a step back, not just for the sake of letting bd step it up, but for the sake of your marriage IMO. Your dh might feel uncomfortable now, but after a few years of things like this, I could def see it building up into some major resentment and anger. You are sharing things w bd that you would be doing w a lover, like lavender said. Knock it off before it becomes a problem.

    My philosophy is, if you are doing something that makes your dh uncomfortable, you should seriously consider not doing it ( and he should do the same for you), within reason of course.

    My dh would blow a gasket if I did any of these things for my exh.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    twister22 said:


    Lavender P said:

    Maybe making food seems too intimate because dinner is made with love. Everyone has their own boundaries and quirks. For me, I think helping him find places online and sending them to him, isn't that big of a deal. However, there is no way I would be helping him look at places. That is something couples do together and seems like a huge boundary being crossed. I don't blame your DH for being uncomfortable. Not necessarily because something would happen, but because apartment hunting is a fun thing you do when you are planning your future with someone, not bailing out a lazy Ex.

    Thanks for that, I needed to hear that.

    Sorry! I wasn't trying to be mean at all. I was just trying to show why your DH might not be too thrilled. It is hard to be a SP and feel like everything you are doing with your partner, they have done before with someone else. It is probably even harder if they are still doing 'coupley' stuff together.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • twister22twister22 member
    @Sigir DH isn't upset, I simply said he's not "jumping for joy." Heck, I'M not jumping for joy! DH isn't uncomfortable, he just wishes BD would get his shit together 110% on his on, without any assistance from a girl (me, a GF, his mother, etc.) He just wants BD to grow up for DS's sake.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Lavender P said:
    Lavender P said:
    Maybe making food seems too intimate because dinner is made with love. Everyone has their own boundaries and quirks. For me, I think helping him find places online and sending them to him, isn't that big of a deal. However, there is no way I would be helping him look at places. That is something couples do together and seems like a huge boundary being crossed. I don't blame your DH for being uncomfortable. Not necessarily because something would happen, but because apartment hunting is a fun thing you do when you are planning your future with someone, not bailing out a lazy Ex.
    Thanks for that, I needed to hear that.
    Sorry! I wasn't trying to be mean at all. I was just trying to show why your DH might not be too thrilled. It is hard to be a SP and feel like everything you are doing with your partner, they have done before with someone else. It is probably even harder if they are still doing 'coupley' stuff together.
    @Lavender P I didn't think you were being mean, I appreciate the honesty! Although, DH doesn't have the "you did this before with someone else" mindset. I literally just looked at DH and asked "Do you feel like things we do together I've done with someone else? As in BD." And he looked at me, surprised, and said "No. I can't even think of anything that would potentially make me feel that way."
    BD and I had DS together. And from the minute I got pregnant BD was a craptastic dad. He was unemployed, and made no effort to find a job. BD and I never moved in together. BD was welcome whenever, but didn't take advantage of that. When he was around, he sat in front of the television playing video games. Getting him to change a diaper, much less interact with DS, was like pulling teeth. Basically, I was dating a child. DH has absolutely zero jealousy towards BD, and it is so laughable to him that I ever even went on a date with him, much less was with him for 3.5 years.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    Got it. I just didn't want you to think I was being judgy because it wasn't intended that way. Glad you and DH are on the same page!
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • hopankahopanka member
    Who wants to bet that he'll just go along for the ride, but wont actually follow thru on signing a lease ib anything? Getting an appt means responsibility and payibg bills and I have a hard time believing this guy will go for that. I think you wasted 10 minutes of your life that you spent setting up these appointments.
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  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    This is a little over the norm but the alternative is your kid sleeping in a garage. So I get where you're coming from.
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  • JessH1474JessH1474 member
    I do agree that you are enabling him, but at the same time you aren't just doing this for the hell of it, you're doing it so hopefully your child will have a decent place to stay when he's with BD.  I would definetely make it clear to him that the ONLY reason you are helping him is for BD's sake so he doesn't think this is opening the door for anything more.  Hopefully it works out and he steps up and does what he needs to do for his kids.
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member

    I can totally understand doing what you have to do to make sure your child and another innocent child has a decent place to live. But for one thing, his DD isn't your child to tend to.

    Step away. You're enabling him. Searching for apartments, scheduling visits and going to them with him is allowing him to slack off and not grow the F up. You aren't in a relationship with him anymore, its not your problem to fix his mistakes and force him to be responsible. Give him the information you have already found, or the schedule of visits you have already set up. Then STOP. Tell him that DS will not be visiting him overnight unless it he gets a proper place to live. And let him decide if seeing his DS and having him overnights is important enough to be responsible and act like a damn adult.

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  • bebe11bebe11 member

    How did apartment hunting go?  I haven't decided if it is good or bad that you are helping him with this.  I get your point, that you are doing it for the kids, but this man has got to grow up and do shit for himself at some point.

     

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  • twister22twister22 member
    Here's the update:
    https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12093643/update-on-bd-s-suitable-home-hunt#latest
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