People and their comments... :/

Daisylola11 · September 2013

A little vent.....

SO and I visited family this past weekend and a close friend of my sisters was also invited w her new one month old baby. It was the first time I'd seen her since she had the baby and of course I wanted to hold her and just talk about how she was doing.

She said the baby was fussy and couldn't believe how the baby wanted constant attention from her, and continued to say to me specifically in front of my family "don't have kids right after the wedding, don't rush into it, it's hard." Now not to judge anyone, but this girl is young and got pregnant from a one night stand, it was an unplanned pregnancy. So I know our situations as different, but still...

I was taken back a little and just did a nervous laugh and changed the subject

(no one knows we will be trying right after the wedding, in like a month!) I didn't know how to feel, just that I didn't like her comment, like she was telling me not to have kids and as if I had no idea it would be hard. SO even commented later on our drive home how he didn't know what to think about her comment but he felt a little offended maybe.

Is it that much of a surprise to ppl that some couples actually plan on having kids and they don't just end up getting KU? Anyone else get comments like this?

Maybe I'm just being sensitive about this but thanks for reading

jewels1199 · September 2013

I think its terrible that she said that

BUT I do remember when DS was born and had terrible colic and never slept , telling my GF's to just own cats, never have babies LOL Of course now I look back and pacepalm but its such a crazy time try not to hold it against her.
It was seriously a crap thing to say though, you did the right thing in just moving along in the conversation !

Daisylola11 · September 2013

jewels1199 said:

I think its terrible that she said that BUT I do remember when DS was born and had terrible colic and never slept , telling my GF's to just own cats, never have babies LOL Of course now I look back and pacepalm but its such a crazy time try not to hold it against her.
It was seriously a crap thing to say though, you did the right thing in just moving along in the conversation !

Yes I understand it must be overwhelming for her right now and it would be different if we weren't in the middle of planing to TTC. Plus me being sensitive about it doesn't help ya know

duncs107 · September 2013

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

As a recipient of recent hurtful comments, my best advice is to cry about it and then get over it. People are going to say thing no matter what, so the best thing to do is carry on and ignore it. It's a long journey and if you get down by every shitty comment someone throws your way, it's going to destroy you mentally and emotionally.

Good luck with the wedding and TTC!

Daisylola11 · September 2013

I have had people tell us that we "need" to wait at least a year before having a baby. I always think "wtf?". I'm not sure why people feel the need to say when they feel it's acceptable for us to have a baby. It's not like we barely met and are 23. By the time we start trying, it'll be about 10 months of marriage and almost 4.5 years together (not to mention I'll be 33 in a few months).

It just baffles me that people give their opinions on something so personal.

Yes totally a wtf moment, it's annoying but like other PP said there will b ppl w their comments and I better get use to them cuz I'm sure this is only the beginning. Once we all get KU

everyone and their cousin will give their opinion on how you should live your life lol

pjaimeal · September 2013

I am super easy to offend because I am very emotional, but what has helped me is looking at the motive. Even though it was a negative thing to say to you, she doesn't necessarily know that you guys are going to try right away and maybe thought she was "giving you advice". It is really none of her business but it seems now-a-days people just say what's on their minds without even thinking about how it could potentially affect someone.

BellaMiel · September 2013

Maybe she's overwhelmed, maybe she's looking for attention, maybe she's looking for some sympathy. She obviously was not ready for a baby so her case is totally different from yours. People are either going to tell you to have a baby already or wait to have a baby. Who cares. As long as you and your husband are ready, then go for it!

When it comes to rude comments either from my family or friends, my husband always reminds me we are building our own family. The only people that matters are just him and I (for now until our baby comes!) Take it easy! It's all about you and your husband!

WannaBMomto3 · September 2013

I wouldn't worry about it. You know what you want. I remember making stupid comments about having kids before I had them and even after. Sometimes we say things without considering what situations others may be going through.

CMSullivan326 · September 2013

Her baby is a month old. That means she's still trying to get in the swing of things, probably lacking sleep & who knows what else. I'm sure she's a little overwhelmed right now.

Having a baby IS hard. I don't care how old you are, what your situation is or if the baby is planned or not, it's hard.

So personally, I think you're being a little too sensitive about what she says. She was giving you advice while stating a fact...smile, nod & move on.

iam3jenn · September 2013

I have learned that if people do not know you are TTC, they cannot be held accountable for offending your TTC journey. Things can hit home since we are sensitive about this, but I have learned that most people are not meaning to offend. (Especially if they do not know that you are TTC.) A few of my friends have babies, and I can see that they are VERY TIRED and know that life has changed for them in a big way. I know that getting married changed how I lived my life. I know that having a baby will be another big change. For me, I am glad I had time with my DH before we started TTC. I have friends that got pregnant right after they got married, and they are very happy that they did. Do what is best for you and your SO, but don't let other people's comments get to you if they are unintentional.

Good luck with your wedding and TTC!

dkbop1818 · September 2013

Joy2611 said:

I think you're being a wee bit over sensitive to her comments. She's allowed to think it's hard. My sister had two and thinks it's hard. She tells me. I see it. Does she outright say "Don't have kids! It's so hard!" No, but she does say "Be sure you're ready. It's a game changer." I don't take offense to it - she's in it, not me. I'm not going to pretend to understand what it's like to be a parent until I am one.

I totally agree with this. I understand how it is annoying that she try to tell you when to try to have a kid. But I think it's really important for people to be able to be honest and say yes it IS hard. I tell all my friends who are about to become mothers that it's okay to think it is hard and tell others that it is hard. I really struggled with that as a new mom...I was exhausted, my boobs were killing me, I missed being with my husband all the time. Everyone would say to me, "oh you must love being a mom!" And I would think, I love my baby, but this is so hard and I don't love it yet. But I felt like I could never say anything like that or people would think I wasn't a good mom, or didn't love my kid.

Sorry to go on, I just feel like women do a disservice to each other by not being honest and admitting when things are hard. However, I do understand that it's none of her business to when you try to have children.

Valancyy · September 2013

I remember right after DS#1 was born we were thinking, OMG...what have we done????

In the past my SIL had tried to tell us when to have kids...etc. I just smiled and nodded, and then forget about her advice.

People are so different. Relationships are so different. What's good for one person/couple, isn't what another person/couple would choose to do.

Of course having a baby/kids is hard. I think most reasonable, thinking people would realize that. But, it also comes with wonderful rewards as well.

Just ignore her and do what's right for you.

:P

brownmouse · September 2013

Daisylola11 said:

A little vent.....
SO and I visited family this past weekend and a close friend of my sisters was also invited w her new one month old baby. It was the first time I'd seen her since she had the baby and of course I wanted to hold her and just talk about how she was doing.

She said the baby was fussy and couldn't believe how the baby wanted constant attention from her, and continued to say to me specifically in front of my family "don't have kids right after the wedding, don't rush into it, it's hard." Now not to judge anyone, but this girl is young and got pregnant from a one night stand, it was an unplanned pregnancy. So I know our situations as different, but still...
I was taken back a little and just did a nervous laugh and changed the subject (no one knows we will be trying right after the wedding, in like a month!) I didn't know how to feel, just that I didn't like her comment, like she was telling me not to have kids and as if I had no idea it would be hard. SO even commented later on our drive home how he didn't know what to think about her comment but he felt a little offended maybe.
Is it that much of a surprise to ppl that some couples actually plan on having kids and they don't just end up getting KU? Anyone else get comments like this?
Maybe I'm just being sensitive about this but thanks for reading

We actually let all of our friends assume that it was an unplanned event when we got pregnant with DD, even though it was totally planned because we were the first of our friends to have children (and are still the only ones at least in our immediate group of friends) and we knew they would think we were insane. It was easier to just let them think it was an accident. Now years later we have told most of them that we had her on purpose and the reaction was like "What? WHY?" Haha! We're also the only ones who are married, so it's not a huge shock. I think we are actually friends with a good number of people who never want kids.

samantha1477 · September 2013

I don't think it is appropriate for anyone to offer advice as to when you start trying. I would have thought that was rude too. I think its one of those things where everyone will always have a comment, if you have a honeymoon baby it will be "you should have waited and enjoyed being married for a while", if you wait a few years some family member or in-law will do the "when are you going to give me grandchildren/neices/nephews" guilt trip.

My fiance and I are trying now, wedding is in 4.5 months. Our families and close friends that know we are trying are excited for us, and completely support us, but we are prepared for potential criticism or snide comments if we get pregnant before we are married. We know trying now is what is best for us, and that is really all that matters

Good luck to you with your wedding and trying to conceive!

AmyC925 · September 2013

Congrats on your wedding!
It sucks when people say stupid comments and it's hard to not let them get to you. Just keep in mind that it's you and your SO making the decisions, not them. I have done the nervous laugh and the "wow, that's something to think about". Now I'm at the "shove it" stage.

str13 · September 2013

It is really hard and she didn't know what she doing. That being said, you have to be careful what you say to people. Right before me and DH were getting married we found out we were pregnant. Everyone kept telling us to wait to have kids, but there was already a proverbial bun in the oven!! What do you say to people?!? Lol GL trying to conceive your take home baby!!

Daisylola11 · September 2013

Thanks for all the responses, I do agree and see that I am a sensitive person. SO and I have been talking more about how the time is getting closer and we are very excited! Hearing her comment like this is good in part because it makes me realize that although I want a baby and I feel ready I better take hold cuz it's gonna be a journey w ups and downs.

My sensitive fertility intense brain just heard don't have a baby, but I understand what she ment, she's a really nice girl, she didn't mean it to sound bad.

seventhumbs · September 2013

My grandmother said to me ON MY WEDDING DAY, "don't have kids right away". I mean, we weren't planning too, and have actually waited 2 years but... y'know. Thanks grandma.

dkbop1818 · September 2013

babylawyer said:
ETA: Also, there is possibly some merit in what she said. You definitely should think long and hard about whether conceiving immediately would be best for you and your relationship. It may well be that it is, but I know for me I have really valued this first two years of marriage with just DH and I. It has been the best two years of my life. I'm ready now to move to the next stage, but there is something to be said for settling in to married life too. Just do whatever is best for (both of) you! Only you know your relationship.

Could not agree more. My relationship with DH was really hard after DD was born. I actually really missed him and all the time we spent together because we were just taking turns with the baby or passing out from exhaustion. Things are back to normal now, and DD is old enough for us to go do more things just us every once in awhile like the old days. But I wouldn't trade my 2 years with just him and I for the world. That's just my opinion though...and you will have to get used to opinions thrown out at you and just politely nodding and doing what's best for you.

Squeepatrol · September 2013

While it is annoying to be told what to do re: ttc, I wonder if you got offended because you are insecure ab your decision to start then. If you know you're ready, who cares what other people think?

EmeJay · September 2013

I think you are ready to have a child when you realise that having a baby IS a very hard thing, yet still wants one

vikinggirl4 · September 2013

iam3jenn said:

I have learned that if people do not know you are TTC, they cannot be held accountable for offending your TTC journey. Things can hit home since we are sensitive about this, but I have learned that most people are not meaning to offend. (Especially if they do not know that you are TTC.) [snip!]

Everyone will give you opinions on kids when you get married. Get used to it. I would advise not telling anyone that you're TTC, then adopt a blanket statement for when someone says something you don't like (my go-to phrase: we'll just have to see what happens!). Don't tell people you're going to TTC or that you are TTC unless you want to hear their opinions.

I also want to add that you may want to think all the way through having a baby as soon as you're married. I thought I was ready, but having some time (we've been TTC since April) without a BFP (and a MC) has given us the freedom to take trips and go out and do things that make us look at each other and go "what else should we do before a baby comes?" Also, paying off vehicles, debt (from the wedding) and looking at career changes (DH has decided to go back to school to become a lawyer, and while the answer is obviously "yes! Do it!" there's also the "Can we do that and still be financially sound enough to start a family?")

Venus04 · September 2013

I agree with a lot of people. I just think in those first few months that it's hard not to have a overwhelmed, don't-ever-do-this attitude. Focus on people whose children are past that first 3-6 month window, and I think you'll get a much more balanced outlook (kids are hard, but kids are wonderful). Bottom line is I'm not sure having the baby will be easier three years after you've been married compared to a few months post-wedding assuming your job and income levels stay about the same. So don't worry. She's in the throws of those first few months and is bound to say some things she may later regret. I don't put blame on her, and don't blame you for being a little peeved.

MaggieN2028 · September 2013

I'm the same way, and don't get over things easily. I'm 100% sure that I want a family, and 100% sure that I want to be younger when I do it. My mom had me when she was 26 and I plan to be about the same age. I liked that age difference when I was growing up.

My family (grandmother, aunts, some friends) always tell me not to rush it, tell me not to have kids too soon, and blah blah blah. Especially makes me mad when we're trying now.

Even though I still struggle with this myself, I try to understand it's just their opinion, and they can think what they want. She probably just spoke out of frustration but when people do that when you're about to try to have that baby for yourself...it sucks. I get it! and I do the SAME thing. We just have to work on getting over it and doing what's best for us. If a baby young/soon after a wedding is what's right...then do it.

kellyrn9956 · September 2013

I am 32. I tried for 4 years to have my son. NOBODY wanted a baby or planned for a baby more than I did. I thought having a baby would just be soooo amazing, and I had such natural motherly instincts. I mean, I'd been around kids all my life. No problem! Sure, he would cry, and might not sleep, but I would rock him and sing to him and have all kinds of help and life would just be hunky dory.

Then he was born. Many times I said in a sleep-deprived panic "put him back, put him back!!! I'm not ready!!! What the HELL did we do???"

I got no more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. My nipples were raw, bleeding, and draining icky stuff that no nipple ever should be. I hated my husband and my dogs with a passion that could not be matched. Which made me feel bad because at the same time I loved my husband and my dogs. I lost tons of weight because I just didn't have time to eat well. I got a kidney infection because I didn't take the time to pee. My house was dirty. I might have showered each day - but probably not. I finally got the swing of things, and then I went back to work. And then I got into the swing of that, and then he went through the 4 month wakeful. And then we came out of that, and then he got sick.

If you had asked me how things were going the first month, I'd probably have told you to fuck off with your full night of sleep, washed and blow dried hair, and leisurely time in the evening to read, spend time with your spouse, and just chill.

My son is 6 months. I still cry at least once a week. Usually when it's 3am, he's up and alert, and I have to be up at 5:00 for work. This is hard shit man. That being said, there is NOTHING that compares to the love of your child. It makes it so worth it. Of course it does. Or nobody would ever do this.

It doesn't matter how "prepared" you are. You aren't. Fact.

It doesn't matter how old you are. If you're young, you're inexperienced. If you're older, you're more set in your ways. Either sucks.

But please - if a new mom tries to tell you how it really is, listen. The reality is what it is. This.is.hard.

My son is a blessing. I adore him. And he's a ton of hard work. But that's what moms are for. You do what you need to do to keep your child safe and comfortable. Which means 6 bottles, 10 diapers, 8 "pick me up!" meltdowns, and 4 nighttime wakenings each day. And in return, you might get a smile. Maybe...

dkbop1818 · September 2013

kellyrn9956 I think I love you. What a great, honest post. I wish I had a friend like you to tell me all that stuff before I had a baby so I could be more prepared. Although I probably who have not believed you...haha. Thanks for being real.

Daisylola11 · September 2013

Thanks for all the honesty ladies!! Really!

This is one of the many reasons I love this board, and to be honest not until I read some of the responses of "make sure your ready" did I start to think that I might be getting cold feet for TTC not the wedding lol. And it makes me feel a little better knowing that it would be ok whether we choose to start trying right away or postpone it for a few months.

But no matter what happens I will defiantly try to remember all the advice given to me by you ladies and any new/experienced moms!

greeneyed_bride · September 2013

I read this post this morning and didn't respond. But then I thought about it off and on all day. I came back specifically to comment, and kellym is right on the money.

DH and I were married for five years before we had our son. We were both 100% ready to have a child. I temped, used OPKs and preseed, and read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy and babies. We both thought we totally had a handle on how hard having a newborn would be. My older sister got pregnant at 18, and she and my nephew lived with us for a few months after he was born, and I helped with him fairly often. DH's little sister is 13 years younger than him, so he helped out a lot when she was a baby. So we both had this attitude of "we completely understand how hard it's going to be to have a baby, and we've waited and planned for five years so that all of our ducks are in a row before having a baby, so this isn't going to be as hard as other people make it seem."

And then I had my son.

He was a horrible sleeper for nine months. As in, waking up every hour all night long at eight months old. And he was tongue-tied, so he nursed every 30 minutes for an hour at a time for the first six weeks of his life. AND I ended up with an unplanned c-section. "Hard" is not a strong enough word for the first few months of having a newborn. Some days, I barely made it off the couch except to pee. I remember feeling really successful one day because I managed to empty the dirty laundry out of the hamper and into a clothes basket. I didn't wash it, I just put it in a basket, and that was the most productive day of my week. I was fortunate not to have postpartum depression, but I still cried more than I ever have in my life. When I was completely sleep-deprived, I often wasn't terribly nice to my husband. So it was great that we had five years of marriage under our belts and had a solid foundation (and so that he knew it wasn't just my new "the honeymoon is over" personality.)

I'm not trying to discourage you from having a child. I love my son so madly, and now that he's a toddler, I can honestly say that I have a lot of fun being with him. But your friend is telling you how hard it is because it's HARD!! I've actually had two friends who had babies after me say "why didn't you warn me that it was going to be this hard?" And therein lies the dilemma. Because if you don't warn people, they wonder what kind of friend you are that you didn't warn them, and if you DO warn people, they think you're a jerk for complaining about your kid.

DH and I just started TTC #2, and I am a hundred times more nervous and feel much less prepared than I did while TTC my son.

Best of luck with your decision, but either way, definitely cut your friend some slack!

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