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Handling birthdays

eltar08eltar08 member
in Blended Families
SS is going to be 6. The CO says that both parents share his actual birthday. Historically, since SS's birthday has fallen on BM's days, BM has invited DH and me over for dinner and DH and I have picked up SS from his mom's house for an hour or so for breakfast. This year, we will be picking up SS for breakfast at 8am and dropping him back off at noon. We requested this arrangement prior to being made aware of BM's plans for his birthday, which she formulated after we requested the time. BM will be having his big party for her side of the family that day after we drop him and some of his friends are sleeping over the night before into the day of the party. I'm just wondering how fair it is to SS to come to pick him up in the middle of spending time with friends who slept over and then bringing him back. Last year when we took him to breakfast, he kept asking when he was going back to BM's because she scheduled his big kid's party for right after. I think it's nice his mom has planned things to celebrate his birthday to make it special for him, but by the same token, I would like to feel like we have some dedicated time carved out for us to spend with him as well that isn't filled with "when do I go back to Mommy's?" We already don't really "share" his birthday because we only spend a fraction of the day with him, and we only have him EO weekend. When he will be with us on our day in future years, we likely won't schedule any parties or anything on his actual birthday and will keep it low key. I'm curious how you guys do birthdays and what has worked/hasn't worked when it comes to "sharing." TIA!
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Re: Handling birthdays

  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    If there is a shared schedule on his birthday, why aren't times specified in the CO? 

    DH doesn't have anything in the CO regarding K's birthday.  Last year it landed on BM's day, so we celebrated with her the next day.  This year it's on our day so we'll do a big dinner and stuff after school.  The weekend before K's birthday (or the weekend of, depending on how the weekends in the month land) we do a small gathering for K and a few of her friends, and BM does her own party when K is with her.
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  • eltar08eltar08 member
    jobalchak said:
    If there is a shared schedule on his birthday, why aren't times specified in the CO? 

    DH doesn't have anything in the CO regarding K's birthday.  Last year it landed on BM's day, so we celebrated with her the next day.  This year it's on our day so we'll do a big dinner and stuff after school.  The weekend before K's birthday (or the weekend of, depending on how the weekends in the month land) we do a small gathering for K and a few of her friends, and BM does her own party when K is with her.

    There are a lot of shortfalls of the CO - at this point we don't have the cash flow to open it all back up to put a lot more specifics in.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    BD and I just let DS's birthday fall where it falls. DS's bday is the end of October, and BD always takes DS the last weekend of October to have DS's birthday party for his family and friends as well as go down to a campground he frequents for their trick-or-treating. And I celebrate DS's birthday with a party the weekend before. DS's "actual" birthday is very low key - we get an ice cream cake, give him the presents from me & DH, and let DS pick what he wants me to cook or where he wants to eat. This has worked well for us.

    Could you ask BM if you guys can take SS in the evening now? Or maybe ask for extra time during your weekend instead of taking him on his actual birthday?
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  • eltar08eltar08 member
    twister22 said:
    BD and I just let DS's birthday fall where it falls. DS's bday is the end of October, and BD always takes DS the last weekend of October to have DS's birthday party for his family and friends as well as go down to a campground he frequents for their trick-or-treating. And I celebrate DS's birthday with a party the weekend before. DS's "actual" birthday is very low key - we get an ice cream cake, give him the presents from me & DH, and let DS pick what he wants me to cook or where he wants to eat. This has worked well for us.

    Could you ask BM if you guys can take SS in the evening now? Or maybe ask for extra time during your weekend instead of taking him on his actual birthday?

    I would say the evening might work except it's on a Sunday this year so depending when the party ends, it might be late/short period of time.
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    Honestly, mine and DH's CO both say that the parent who does not have the kid on their birthday gets 6pm-8pm. We have never followed this. We just let whomever has the kid on their birthday have them. So if I have DD, I keep her. If BD has DD, he keeps her. If BM has one of my SKs, she keeps them. If we have them, we keep them. We, of course, call if we don't have them on their birthday though. To us it's not about the actual day because if it falls during the week and say it's DD or DS's birthday (those who live with us) we aren't apt to celebrate it that day anyway. We celebrate when we have all the kids.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • agibbyagibby member
    SS's birthday is included in the holiday schedule so each parent gets to spend SS birthday with him EOY. THis is his first year of school so we've had to get specific as to who throws the birthday party for friends. It wouldn't make sense for each parent to throw the kid a party with his classmates, so whomever has SS for his birthday that year will throw the "classmate" party.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    I would say it would suck for him to leave early In the a.m. while his friends are sleeping over. It doesnt make sense anymore for you guys to take him to breakfast. you will be disappointed. He will absolutelly keep asking when he can go back, that is if he even goes with you to begin with. I would celebrate with him either later in the day or the day prior and make it special.
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  • Banana44Banana44 member
    Our CO states that the NCP gets to spend 2 hours with SS on his birthday if a weekday and 4 hours if Saturday or Sunday.  It doesn't specify the hours, but BM and DH have always done breakfast. 
    So if it is a weekday they will pick SS up from CP house early and take him to breakfast before school.
    This year birthday was a Sunday and DH's weekend so BM picked him up at 9ish and took him to breakfast. She brought him back 11 / 11:30 (I can't remember exactly).  But we didn't have anything planned to interfere.  We had his party the day before - and some of his cousins had spent the night - but he still had fun with his Mom.  His cousins were still here when he got back, so he wasn't sad he went to breakfast or anything.  He just picked up where he left off.

    Take him to breakfast. How many kids are sleeping over - can you take them all?  That would kind of be cool for SS.  It would be like continuing his party!
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    I think BM's poor planning is going to bite her in the butt.

    You are scheduled to pick up SS at 8 am - so what time are the guests going to go home, and is she going to be entertaining a bunch of 6 yo while she waits for their parents to pick them up? 

    Also, because of the sleepover the night before, she is going to have one cranky / sleepy 6 yo at her family party.

    However, I don't think it's 100% fair that you are criticizing BM.  Since SS's birthday falls ON the weekend, and you have him EOWE, she has limited opportunity to throw a sleepover if that is what her son wants.  Yes, she could have scheduled Friday night, but for whatever reason, that did not work.  And just because you envision having a low-key birthday doesn't mean that is what BM has to do, or even what SS wants. 

    You seem to have a decent relationship with BM (I'm guessing b/c of you can sit down and share a meal with no drama!), can you talk about your concerns?  Is it going to matter in the next few years, when SS has a birthday in the middle of the week?  I think some of this may be a communication and expectation problem, not a selfish BM problem. 

    I agree that taking the kids to IHOP or someplace similar may be a great idea! 

     

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I would ask BM for different time so he can enjoy time with his friends. How old is he? I would verify with BM that the kids are sleeping over and ask when they plan to leave and if the answer is after 8 then I would ask for lunch instead or dinner. You can even eat at a diner or Denny's or iHop and have breakfast later in the day.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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