SOS

rs_bride · September 2013

I don't usually post here, but I'm at a breaking point and need to find some help somehow. As I type this, I feel like I'm having a panic attack or nervous breakdown or something. I'm shaking and can't seem to take a full breath.

I'm a full-time working mom of a 4 1/2 year old boy and almost on year-old girl. I love them to pieces but recently I feel like I'm the shittiest mom on earth. I've yelled at my son more times than i want to admit in the last couple days. I'm falling miserably behind at work, and my one year-old will eat nothing except macaroni and cheese and fruit, which I realize is completely 100% my fault. I'm trying harder to feed them good, home-cooked meals, but then the four year-old whines and I lose it. He's such a good kid, he doesn't deserve to have a mom who yells and I'm so scared that he's going to grow up remembering nothing except me yelling at him.

I'm so stressed out, but just don't know how to fix it. I already have the most flexible work schedule anyone could ask for. I make my own hours and work from home 3 days a week. If anyone should be able to do this working mom thing, it should be me. I'm set up for it and my husband is incredible (though does not do his share of the discipline, which is part of why I end up yelling all the time).

I don't know what I'm asking for here. Comisseration? Help? Suggestions? I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that this is ok, because I know it's not. Yelling at a poor little four year-old boy for jumping on the couch or for not eating his potatoes, when i know he doesn't like potatoes, is not ok. Ever. I'm just not sure how to make myself stop in the moment when my stress level is through the roof and he just pushes that one. last. button. I'm failing him and I need to figure out how to reverse our course.

amberdt03 · September 2013

Could you take some time off work? Maybe have a mommy-son date?

Virgo17 · September 2013

Could you send the kids to daycare and take a day off from work to catch up? Maybe grocery shop and do some freezer meals or prep to get ahead on meals.

When at work, try to prioritize what needs to be done there and not think about home or kids (easier said than done I know).

Don't beat yourself up. All kids have picky phases. Put a couple of things on the plate you know they like along with a couple of new things each night. Let them choose if and how much of each thing they will eat and don't turn it into a battle.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself. It really affects how you react to the kids, your husband, and anything else. Just breathe! I'm sorry you are having such a hard day.

jf198400 · September 2013

Since you work from home, have you tried doing crockpot meals? Whenever I work from home, I'll prep dinner at lunchtime in the crockpot and that way we have a good home cooked meal ready as soon as I'm done work.

Virgo17 · September 2013

PrivacyWanted said:

There is a great blog about one woman stopping yelling theorangerhino.com she's got some great ideas. I also second the idea of taking a personal day. You mention you work at home, do you have childcare for that time?

Thank you for posting that blog. I am a yeller by nature and am trying to be better about it.

aglenn · September 2013

For me, the yelling is a sure sign that I am not taking good enough care of my own needs. It is absolutely crucial that I devote attention to myself by getting good nutrition, some sort of daily exercise (even if it's just walking around a little), as much sleep as I can manage, and frequent self-calming. I do breathing exercises several times a day to calm my body and bring myself back to center. I still lose it sometimes, of course, but I have come to recognize that it's usually more about me than it is about them. The kids are kids, and they do frustrating and annoying things, but none of it is really that big of a deal unless my own coping reserves are depleted.

jlaOK · September 2013

I definitely know that when I'm stressed I'm less patient with DS. Could you take some dedicated time for yourself. Maybe a girls night once a week or pick up the kids 30 min late and have some decompress time.

Then I think that having a better discipline plan in place (that both you and your DH follow) might help. Find something that your DS responds to: a reward chart, a reward jar, stamps, stickers. Whenever I find myself losing it, I have to remind myself to speak softly and calmly and give praise for any positive behavior (like taking a bite of potatoes).

Finally, remember that sometimes the small battles aren't worth it. If your kids don't eat a great meal once in a while, it's not a big deal. For me, the biggest battle in our house is brushing teeth. I have to remind myself that if DS skips his teeth getting brushed or doesn't do a very good job every now and then, it's not the end of the world.

Good luck!

Virgo17 · September 2013

jlaOK said:

I definitely know that when I'm stressed I'm less patient with DS. Could you take some dedicated time for yourself. Maybe a girls night once a week or pick up the kids 30 min late and have some decompress time.
Then I think that having a better discipline plan in place (that both you and your DH follow) might help. Find something that your DS responds to: a reward chart, a reward jar, stamps, stickers. Whenever I find myself losing it, I have to remind myself to speak softly and calmly and give praise for any positive behavior (like taking a bite of potatoes).
Finally, remember that sometimes the small battles aren't worth it. If your kids don't eat a great meal once in a while, it's not a big deal. For me, the biggest battle in our house is brushing teeth. I have to remind myself that if DS skips his teeth getting brushed or doesn't do a very good job every now and then, it's not the end of the world.
Good luck!

Sidebar: Have you tried the battery-operated toothbrushes? This was a battle in our house as well, but DD is in LOVE with her new spinning Dora toothbrush. It actually encourages her to spend more time brushing her teeth and most nights I can get her to let me go in behind her quickly to make sure they were brushed well.

litzo27 · September 2013

I can commiserate. I have never thought I would be the yeller mom. Ever. But having two boys (even, the wonderful boys that they are) has sometimes turned me into a mother I don't want to be. I've had some bad stages but the past month has been better. Definitely some of the suggestions that PP have made are great - taking some time for yourself, choosing your battles, positive reinforcement. Also it's silly but I've been rewording myself - when I go through a week without yelling once I do a treat for myself. And I brag shamelessly to DH. Ant it certainly seems to be a spiral - once I started focusing much more on alternative techniques and yelling less it became easier and easier to control myself. The past month has generally been much better.

rs_bride · September 2013

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the support. Unfortunately, right now I can't take any time off work. I was out four days last week with DD--she had a fever--and I have two enormous looming deadlines. That is obviously, part of the problem. I can't turn off my work brain when I'm with the kids and I can't turn off my mommy brain when I'm at work, so I feel like I'm doing a crappy job in both places. I need to remind myself--and walk the walk--that my kids are more important than anything at work. I did take some time at lunch to both go for a swim and to make a large healthy casserole recipe that we'll get 5 dinners out of (4 went in the freezer). Not having to cook in the evenings always makes things go smoother.

emberlee3 · September 2013

Take a few deep breaths and remember that you are only human. If you lose your cool and yell, apologize to your son. It is good for children to see us making mistakes and modeling how we handle them.

EMOmamma · September 2013

You mentioned that your DD is 1 - are you weaning from BFing or anything else big that could be hormonally changing your body? I only ask b/c I ended up with PPD at 10months (and they think it was related to my DD nursing less) but I know it can be triggered later for some women for no reason - both PPD and PPA. If you feel like it might be a physical/chemical issue give your dr a call.

It sounds like you do need a break. Can you take a weekend day where half the day you do something for yourself and the other half go on a date with just DS (assuming your SO is there to help on the weekends).

rs_bride · September 2013

Emo-mama, interesting you mention that. DD is nursing less and less and I barely pump anything while she's at daycare anymore. I do feel off--like this is not myself and more than just having a few extra-strength crabby days. I have an email in to my midwife to ask for recommended therapists. But the thing is--where is the time to see a therapist?!? If I'm already struggling to find time to tie my shoes, how am I going to carve out an hour a week to sit on a couch and talk about my problems? I guess I'll have to, but it just makes me feel even more guilty for taking another hour away from the kids. Oh how nice it would be to be independantly wealthy!!

Want a personalized experience?

SOS

Re: SOS

Choose Another Board

Search Boards