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Blended Families
EarthandFire
member
Living Situation and LO (Long)
EarthandFire
member
I've been posting for a little while and checking in on the different discussions around here. There are many knowledgeable ladies here and lots of common sense. We are a blended family. I have a daughter who's GD is no longer part of our life.
My better half and I have been together for a while and he is awesome. I've known him for years but we haven't been romantic until recently. He went through what I would call a nasty divorce; not because it of the legal so much as the emotional toll BM put on him. BM moved BH's LO from his marriage out of state and being in the military the courts didn't make her bring him back when the divorce was finalized. BH did not give permission for her to move LO but because she had "moved" and he was in the military she was able to keep LO with her out of state. BH can not be deployed for medical reasons.
Shortly before school started BM decided she wants to come back to the area. This is a great thing but she has no support network locally even though she lived here with BH for years. BH wants LO back in the area as visitation when LO is in another state is so limited and BH is a very involved parent. BM claims she doesn't have the resources to get a place to live here. She has been living with family and BH is current on all his CS payments. BM has also been working and day care was provided by grandparents so BM did not have that expense.
BM has a lot of leverage right now because she has physical custody and lives in another state. This makes seeing LO very hard. Having LO back in the area would be huge for us and we want LO closer desperately so BH can be a regular part of his life. I don't believe BM would move back to the area unless she was "getting" something for doing it. BH had to weigh the consequences of having LO living out of state with what he ended up doing and having LO in the local area outweighed the drawbacks of what he did. Since BM wanted to move back into the area BH offered for her to live in the house he received in the divorce which is currently on the market until it sells or until she gets "on her feet." Yes BH is still paying the mortgage and the utilities.
Shortly after BM returned she text BH that she had found a job and wondered if he could watch both children in an emergency should she have to work and not have child care. BH is the father of only one of BM's LO's. BH agrees to help by watching both children in an emergency. It's been more often than anticipated. BH doesn't complain about this because it's time with LO.
We thought that the house would sell much faster than it is as it's in a growing part of town. BM has been in the house for a couple months and she's made no inference to a move out date. She is working, she is not paying rent or utilities. We hoped that a quicker sale would put BM in a position where she would need to find another place to live but this isn't happening so now we're in a position where we need to encourage BM to find her own place instead of taking advantage of the situation. We are worried that if BH is too firm or forceful she's run back out of state and we'll be back where we started. Any suggestions? Is there any way other than serving her with an eviction notice? I'm also worried about BM spinning the story that BH evicted "his own DC from his home." It's not LO he wants out, it's BM who's freeloading.
I know, BH got himself into this position by agreeing to let her live there while she got on her feet. To have LO in the area is worth the hassle we're now going through to untangle BM from the house. I'm hoping others here may have suggestions how to untangle this mess with as few problems as possible. I want a amiable relationship between BH and BM for LO's sake but know that both parties have to be agreeable to this for it to work so I hope there is a way to accomplish this civilly.
I may delete this post in case BM comes across it. She sent me a FB message even though my profile is private but I can receive messages and I have a feeling she may be stalking me since she moved back. Thank you for any advice in advance.
My better half and I have been together for a while and he is awesome. I've known him for years but we haven't been romantic until recently. He went through what I would call a nasty divorce; not because it of the legal so much as the emotional toll BM put on him. BM moved BH's LO from his marriage out of state and being in the military the courts didn't make her bring him back when the divorce was finalized. BH did not give permission for her to move LO but because she had "moved" and he was in the military she was able to keep LO with her out of state. BH can not be deployed for medical reasons.
Shortly before school started BM decided she wants to come back to the area. This is a great thing but she has no support network locally even though she lived here with BH for years. BH wants LO back in the area as visitation when LO is in another state is so limited and BH is a very involved parent. BM claims she doesn't have the resources to get a place to live here. She has been living with family and BH is current on all his CS payments. BM has also been working and day care was provided by grandparents so BM did not have that expense.
BM has a lot of leverage right now because she has physical custody and lives in another state. This makes seeing LO very hard. Having LO back in the area would be huge for us and we want LO closer desperately so BH can be a regular part of his life. I don't believe BM would move back to the area unless she was "getting" something for doing it. BH had to weigh the consequences of having LO living out of state with what he ended up doing and having LO in the local area outweighed the drawbacks of what he did. Since BM wanted to move back into the area BH offered for her to live in the house he received in the divorce which is currently on the market until it sells or until she gets "on her feet." Yes BH is still paying the mortgage and the utilities.
Shortly after BM returned she text BH that she had found a job and wondered if he could watch both children in an emergency should she have to work and not have child care. BH is the father of only one of BM's LO's. BH agrees to help by watching both children in an emergency. It's been more often than anticipated. BH doesn't complain about this because it's time with LO.
We thought that the house would sell much faster than it is as it's in a growing part of town. BM has been in the house for a couple months and she's made no inference to a move out date. She is working, she is not paying rent or utilities. We hoped that a quicker sale would put BM in a position where she would need to find another place to live but this isn't happening so now we're in a position where we need to encourage BM to find her own place instead of taking advantage of the situation. We are worried that if BH is too firm or forceful she's run back out of state and we'll be back where we started. Any suggestions? Is there any way other than serving her with an eviction notice? I'm also worried about BM spinning the story that BH evicted "his own DC from his home." It's not LO he wants out, it's BM who's freeloading.
I know, BH got himself into this position by agreeing to let her live there while she got on her feet. To have LO in the area is worth the hassle we're now going through to untangle BM from the house. I'm hoping others here may have suggestions how to untangle this mess with as few problems as possible. I want a amiable relationship between BH and BM for LO's sake but know that both parties have to be agreeable to this for it to work so I hope there is a way to accomplish this civilly.
I may delete this post in case BM comes across it. She sent me a FB message even though my profile is private but I can receive messages and I have a feeling she may be stalking me since she moved back. Thank you for any advice in advance.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Living Situation and LO (Long)
Depending on how much of an asshat she wants to be, YES an eviction notice will have to be served. Even then it is not a quick process sometimes to get the person out.
I think helping her find places (making suggestions, sending apt finder brochures) is the only thing you can do. I would notify her in writing of a timeline and do not falter from that.
Send it certified. With the child in the picture and the desire to try to keep them close, you are walking a fine line of playing nice but also being firm in the fact that she can not stay there for an open ended amount of time rent/utility/care free.
Maybe you could offer to sell HER the house?
There is definitely a fine line we're walking. This is why I'm so lost at the moment. I'll recommend he give her a timeline. I have a feeling we'll be playing nice for a while longer than we'd like. Thank you for the input. If anyone can think of anything else thank you too. It's already been helpful.
Holy crap. Your husband made a HUGE mistake letting her live there. Did he not foresee this might be an issue??
Does she keep it tidy for selling? My bet is she's not and she could be a big reason why it won't sell as fast if she were not in the home. Homes sell better empty or edited and I highly doubt with that sweet deal she has, she does not care one iota what people see walking into that home.
I'd seek legal assistance to get her out, but I think you might have a difficult time. And if all else fails, maybe if you lowered the asking price to below value, cut your losses, that might force the move
Does your SO have any legal resources available to him through the military? He needs a lawyer! First, to establish a regular visitation schedule for his child with ex. If his ex works part time, he can ask for right of first refusal to babysit HIS CHILD and let bm figure out what to do with her kids.
Second, to figure out what to do with the house. Ex has no incentive to move while she is getting free child care and free rent and utilities.
Unless I'm missing something I think you are
pretty unfairly vilifying this woman. In your OP you are bringing up things about her whining about taking care of the kid and other things that could have been exaggerated by BH pretty easily. I hated being a SAHM too but that doesn't make me a bad mother or horrible person.
You also keep bringing up CS and alimony and how she should have plenty of money. let me tell you right now from the beginning that BH is going to be giving her money for a long
time and if you keep worrying about it it is
only going yo drive you crazy. Dont worry
about her finances, they really aren't your business anyhow.
Bottom line, BH created this whole situation by offering up his house and paying expenses and free child care with no predetermined timeline. She didn't force him to do any of that. He needs to lay down a time line. If she refuses to leave then its time to worry about
eviction.
His decisions absolutely landed him in the position he is now in. His own fault but we need to untangle the mess that has been made. He walked into this battle but having LO back in the area was worth the battle he's fighting now. BH has asked several times if BM had an idea when she'd be getting her own place. She has not given a date or time frame.
BM definitely has no incentive to move. He has not given a hard date but he is only now starting to feel she is infringing on his hospitality. He wants to be prepared for what will come next if/when it gets to that. Her responses to his inquiries about when she would be moving out have been a good indicator of how she'll respond to a hard deadline. BH is concerned BM will run back to her parents who were giving her free housing out of state if he pushes too hard. Until he has a CO that protects him, BM has that leverage. He's willing to do whatever it takes to keep LO here where LO was born and where both parents can play an active role in LO's life. The collective knowledge of the ladies on this board know far more than I do so any recommendations you have are very welcome.
In reference to the SAHM question, BH put LO in child care and supported BM pursing a job, starting a business, going back to school. Whatever she wanted to do but BM took LO out of child care service against BH's wishes. He couldn't stay there all day and ensure LO stayed. It was also BH who initiated counseling to try and save the marriage on several occasions.
In the original post I mentioned CS and alimony to demonstrate that BH has been fulfilling his financial obligations as per the CO. BM would not have received alimony had BH not agreed to it. It was something he gave her to ensure she would have a strong foundation to get started on her own. That's the man he is. He wants BM in a good position for LO's sake. It's not that BM is waiting for financial support she isn't receiving. BH can not control how she uses CS but it is supposed to be used to provide for LO's housing, clothing, food and care. Currently BH is providing all of BM's housing, utilities plus paying CS. BH can not be responsible for providing all of BM's entire household with housing, utilities, ect. BM needs to own her own responsibilities.
What we'd like is a civil solution to encourage BM to take steps to be independent.
Ultimately that’s best for both her children, including the LO that is shared. Giving her a firm date is step one. He’s tried to leave it up to her to take this next step but it seems she needs a push. I’ll make that my next recommendation in email form. A civil solution may not be an option. Our final goals are to keep LO in the area where LO has lived since birth, Dad will be living and to get the house sold.
As a side note, selling the house is a good thing for BM as she has a settlement in the divorce involving the house's sale.
If her name is on the house in any form she is a rightful owner and nothing can get her out except a foreclosure or unpaid taxes. If it is his home alone he has legal recourse, but it is nothing I would do without an attorney advising and overseeing it all.
Honestly, I would seek an attorney before you have any further communication with her regarding the house. Property stuff is SOOOOOO tricky and being a landlord has so many consequences.
@Nineoceans - Eh god! I didn't even think of that! No, he doesn't have a lease. There was no money changing hands. It was a verbal agreement and he didn't refinance because he planned on selling it as soon as he was out. That should have been months ago but this process has been drawn out over and over again. Since he thought he only had a short time left he didn't see the benefit of refinancing. He put it on the market before she came back because he finally has a solid deadline.
My understanding is that the house was awarded solely to him in the divorce. It was agreed that she would receive a certain amount of settlement when it was sold, but that it was his so he does have the divorce decree that states it's his and not hers. I think you're right, I think he needs an attorney. I feel like he's going through the divorce process all over again. Unfortunately base legal won't touch civil cases.
Thank you all for the very helpful feedback.