Update: Not good news :-(

spencerlynne · September 2013

I've been MIA this past week because we got some not-so-good news from our agency (foster-to-adopt through Arizona). Our agency worker (and another one from another agency we interviewed) told us we should not bother finishing our application. We said we wanted a child under the age of 2 (we have a 2 1/2 year old and feel strongly about keeping his place as the oldest in our family). We live in a very rural area of Arizona and most of the nearby area is Navajo reservation land (Native American tribes have their own adoption process - rarely to those outside their nationality). I guess they have four waiting families in the foster-to-adopt under the age of 3 and all of them have been waiting 3-5 years without even a placement. So we were basically told that the possibility of us getting matched/placed is almost 0%.

I'm so discouraged...We really felt that this was the right direction for us. We're back to the drawing board. We are looking into international adoption or moving to a different county next year to start the process there (we were planning on moving in a few years anyway). I'm not even sure at this point :-(

T&P, please!

Dr.Loretta · September 2013

I'm so sorry

mtendere · September 2013

I'm sorry to hear that, especially when there are other places where people are so needed. I hope you find the best way to build your family soon.

spencerlynne · September 2013

jalara48 said:

I am so so sorry.

We had to choose International adoption as DCA is only taking applications for 1) 4+ sibling group, 2) children over age 8 and 3) severely disabled. They've had our file for 3 years now and won't even touch it. It was devastating when we found out.

I'm here for you.

Thank you so much, ladies! Your kind words mean a lot.

@jalara48 - I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been through the run-around (though I wouldn't wish it on anybody). They made me feel so awful during our conversation - like there was something wrong or selfish of us to be so "limited" in our choices. "Well, if you wanted an older child or a sibling group we could help you." :-( It breaks my heart because DH works as a teacher (he feels very called to work with low-income, broken children, hence why we moved here) and he sees so many broken and neglected children every day. We have drug babies everywhere around us and children being passed from family member to family member from infancy and being exposed to unspeakable horrors. It's so hard to cope that we want a little one more than anything to love and cherish....but we can't get one. Yet they are being left in that kind of environment? I just don't get it....I had to call CPS on a child who (at age 4) had been left home alone for two days by herself. CPS came by five days later and the mom of course denied leaving her. What gives?

We're looking into South Korea right now. They have an agreement with Arizona and California to facilitate adoptions. It will take around two years but no wait is too long to bring the missing piece of our hearts home.

irismorning · September 2013

I am so sorry! I think that your heart and attitude are in a much better place than mine would be in a similar situation. T&P your way.

firecracker8 · September 2013

We adopted using an AZ agency. I would be more than happy to give you some info on them if you're interested!!! PM me if you want. They work with families all over the state.

And.... I'm sorry about the let down, that's hard. Hugs!

mommytoconnor · September 2013

I'm sorry to hear that. I also live in AZ. My story a little different. I am single and was looking to adopt thru fostercare. I was open to gender and race under age 6 yrs. Pretty open preferences too. I waited 4 long years and then I got "the call". I brought my son home just under 4 months old and his adoption was finalized one week after his first birthday. I believe things happen the way they are supposed to, you may not understand it, but if you truly want this then persevere and be diligent and hopefully it will happen. My son is now 3 yrs and the light of my life.

bhead81 · September 2013

I am so sorry. I am in AZ and a foster care parent. What area do you live in? I have been struggling with my agency and will be changing sometime soon. I am happy to make other agency suggestions as I have lots of contacts in the system (former counseling center worker and most of the people I worked with went into FC and CPS).

spencerlynne · September 2013

Wow - lots of AZ mommas on here! I would appreciate any info you have! I'll PM you :-)

We live in Navajo County. We only had three options for agencies - one never even contacted us back after our intake questionnaire despite several e-mails and phone calls.

They've told us we would have better luck if we lived in the Valley or Tuscon.

annalisel · September 2013

I'm sorry about your news. CPS is very up front about the types of families they need. I do wonder how need varies from county to county. While we found there was a lack of need for families for single younger children in our suburban CA county, we have friends of friends who adopted single young children from nearby counties that include medium-sized cities. Good luck researching alternatives.

Chele · September 2013

So sorry to hear your journey has been rocky so far. Hopefully you will find what you are looking for one way or another.

NickiChick · September 2013

So sorry you have to go through this. I am also a teacher in a low income area. I know how hard it is to see the horrible situations kids are in and having an empty loving home around you!

I am just beginning the international adoption process. It seems so far away, but like you said, no wait is too long. You will get to the other side of this! I believe this trial is teaching me so much and I'll be a much better parent because of it!

I hope you find some peace in your situation soon!

mommytoconnor · September 2013

Have you tried doing fost/adopt? Arizona has one the the countries largest amount of children needing foster homes, many of which may turn into adoptions. Just a thought.

CaptainSerious · September 2013

Typically, I would tell you to look into this further and higher up the chain of command, because I have heard of foster care workers discouraging families from being approved just so they can adopt babies/young children because they really need more homes approved for older children, and they don't want families to adopt quickly and no longer be open to placements. Since they told you about the families who have been waiting, though, it sounds like they are giving it to you straight.

The best advice I ever got was from our international adoption doctor who told us that we should never feel guilty for acknowledging that there were some situations in which we just didn't feel we could appropriately parent. He told us that there are families that actually seek to adopt children with more severe needs, and that many of them have skilled training or experience because of their jobs or families histories. We thought he was just giving us a line to make us feel better for not perusing a specific case...until the little girl was matched with a family the following month! Accepting a referral outside your comfort zone will only stress you and your family out, possibly leave the child without some form of assistance he/she desperately needs, and result in resentment and bad results throughout the family. Don't do it, and don't feel guilty about being honest with yourself and the workers about what you can handle.

spencerlynne · September 2013

mommytoconnor said:

Have you tried doing fost/adopt? Arizona has one the the countries largest amount of children needing foster homes, many of which may turn into adoptions. Just a thought.

This is through foster to adopt! That's why I was shocked too...they said even the families wanting to foster to adopt (not just straight adopt) hadn't even gotten a placement in 3-4 years! It is for children under 3 though...I know they have older children available (over 6 years old). Everything I've researched said that Arizona in in a crisis mode with all the children in foster care and needing adoption. It must just be our county that is like this. I'm checking with one other place to make sure I covered all our bases but our county only has 3 agency options :-(

@CaptainSerious - Thank you for the words of wisdom! It is so hard no to feel guilty and pressured (especially for a people-pleasing, never-say-no person like me). What you say is so true - it's not just about getting children placed, it is about placing them in the right homes. One of my dearest friends' parents have adopted 4 precious Down Syndrome babies from China now that they are empty-nesters. I can think of no better place for those girls to be than with a family that is loving and properly equipped to give them the best care!

[Deleted User] · September 2013

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mindaa · September 2013

I attended an agency orientation in Phoenix and came away with a similar message. So, as PP has stated, maybe keep talking to different agencies?

My orientation indicated that one explanation behind the seemingly contradictory high foster need/low foster to adopt rate is because of the priority given to arranging placements within a child's circle (friends, family, acquaintances, etc). As a teacher, it's possible your DH could find himself acquainted with the family of a potential placement...

Update: Not good news :-(

Re: Update: Not good news :-(

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