Worries about preschool

bingbongsmama · September 2013

My DD will be 3 soon and I'm starting to think about putting her in preschool maybe 2-3 mornings a week. She's very social and I think would enjoy that aspect, plus the activities.

The few times I left her with a babysitter she warned up within 30 seconds & loved the attention of someone playing with her and didn't get upset when DH & I left. She seems okay being left at our house but I don't know how she would feel about a strange environment.

The other thing is I will regularly host play dates 2-3 kids at a time and I find some moms tend to be busy chatting rather than watching the kids, so I end up having to mediate, have them say sorry & hug after a kid grabs a toy and the other one cries and stands there upset and confused for instance.

My concern is that with a whole group of kids things could get rowdy and will the teachers be properly monitoring things? she's too little to fend for herself and I really don't want her having negative experiences this young. I know it will happen eventually but...at this point she's still a baby to me and needs to be protected. I feel this way about all toddlers, not just mine.

I'm trying to balance these fears with whats really best for her.
Do you think she's too young? Should we just stick to parent involved activities for another year or so? WDYT?

ncbelle · September 2013

Callum started a small in-home preschool at that age - and LOVED it! Maybe a smaller setting would make you more comfortable? I don't think she's too young but I also don't think it's a "must do." Callum's preschool worked a lot on social skill type things - I mean it was play based but she did a really good job of helping them work through disagreements and learn to play well together. I think it was a really positive experience overall.

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2013

My son started preschool right at age three. He loves it and has learned and matured so much since he was motivated by peers to do new things. We chose a nationally accredited facility which means they keep low ratios of kids to adults. I observed the classroom before he started and liked how the teachers handled things. I definitely recommend giving it a shot and touring a few classrooms before you decide if its a good fit.

musicalmama5 · September 2013

I don't know what kinds of things are offered in your area, but since I'm a Kindermusik teacher, I'm going to recommend it as a stepping stone to preschool.

At 3 years old, the class she would take is 30 minutes with just kids and teacher and then 15 minutes with parents too. It's a great way to get kids acclimated to a school-type setting in a small dose with a bit of parental involvement as well.

bingbongsmama · September 2013

We've done kindermusic & she loved it - all the parent involved activities we've done have been a hit! Even just being in the company of other kids is exciting to her.

A smaller setting would definitely be a good idea, and it would be good if I was allowed to sit in at first. If if didnt work out though, I will have wasted the tuition.

I'm leaning towards a program that's set up like a preschool, 3 or so hours in the morning, where parents can stay and just observe without getting involved. Or leave if they want to.

Does this sort of thing exist?

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2013

bingbongsmama said:

We've done kindermusic & she loved it - all the parent involved activities we've done have been a hit! Even just being in the company of other kids is exciting to her. A smaller setting would definitely be a good idea, and it would be good if I was allowed to sit in at first. If if didnt work out though, I will have wasted the tuition. I'm leaning towards a program that's set up like a preschool, 3 or so hours in the morning, where parents can stay and just observe without getting involved. Or leave if they want to. Does this sort of thing exist?

I don't think so. Why do you think preschool "wouldn't work out?" Assuming she's a typically developing kiddo she will adjust to the transition probably much easier than you think and it will likely be tougher on you than her. IME the kids who have a rough experience transitioning to school are the kids who skip preschool and whose school experience starts at kindie as older kids are more set in their ways. Preschool provides a number of cognitive, social and emotional benefits to kids so don't let your own fears get in the way.

Chichigo · September 2013

Preschools vary greatly in philosophy and in training of staff. I would call a few and ask if you could observe, and talk with the teacher and assistant in the class your child would join. You'll have an idea if that environment matches what your interests.

TiffanyBerry · September 2013

Some preschools - including the one I put DD in when she was 2.5yrs - will let you stay and encourage parent involvement (volunteers) during the day. This was the only way preschool would have worked for my daughter at that age - and I *did* stay the whole time (2 hours) for a few months. Then I would stay for about 45 min, then 30, then 15. Even by the end of the year, it was still 15 min. This year, her second year back to the same place, I stay 10 minutes. She needs that time with me there to help her mentally transition to the new space and having to be on her own. (She's fairly introverted, and the preschool - like any - can be loud.)

Look around to see if they have what you're looking for. Co-op. Parent-ed. Small private preschool. Etc. Talk to people with kids in preschool and call around. I definitely think it's an important thing for their development, but I don't think you have to push.

rubber_chicken · September 2013

bingbongsmama said:

The other thing is I will regularly host play dates 2-3 kids at a time and I find some moms tend to be busy chatting rather than watching the kids, so I end up having to mediate, have them say sorry & hug after a kid grabs a toy and the other one cries and stands there upset and confused for instance. My concern is that with a whole group of kids things could get rowdy and will the teachers be properly monitoring things? she's too little to fend for herself and I really don't want her having negative experiences this young.

This might sound harsh, but you need to back off the helicoptering. Your child can handle much more than you think, you've given her a solid foundation and now you need to give her the room she needs to grow as a person independent of you.

Recent research shows that resiliency is the most important determinant of future success and happiness. Your child NEEDS to have negative experiences in order to develop resiliency.

And if you keep interfering in your child's little tiffs, how will she ever develop the skills needed to navigate social situations and problem solve? What you're doing is completely unheard of in other cultures. Sit back and watch what happens - if they're not hitting each other, then what's the problem with letting them sort it it out themselves? So someone gets upset and cries for 30 seconds - is that really the worst thing in the world? Or would the worst thing in the world be a child who doesn't know what to do when they're upset?

bingbongsmama · September 2013

Hmm not sure how to address the helicopter parenting comment. I will say that that I have done a lot of reading up on AP and I feel confident in my decision to create a gentle environment for my daughter. I don't feel it necessary for her to be roughed around by boys that are larger and stronger than her and for her to have to CIO at 2 years of age. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I understand there will be disappointments and less than gentle situations, but I don't feel exposing her to this at a such a young age is necessary.

PP, your comment has the hit the nail on the head though. My exact concern is that the preschool teacher would share your thinking and allow a child to be roughed up and left to cry...because its not the worst thing in the world.

bingbongsmama · September 2013

Thank you for the helpful suggestions, I'd never heard of a co-op preschool, that sounds perfect.

bingbongsmama · September 2013

Thanks moosha, did you have any problems getting a refund on tuition? I don't know how to go about trying a place out as far as having to pay tuition upfront

Emerald27 · September 2013

I get what @rubber_chicken is saying (I think), and I don't think she's advocating letting your child CIO over a stolen toy or whatever, or allowing her to be pushed or bullied by the bigger kids.

I think she's just suggesting allowing toddler interaction attempts and problem solving, positive and negative, before stepping in. I meet with some friends for a play date once a week. There's a 3-year-old, 2 15-month olds, and DS, who will be 2 next month. We let the kids have at the toys and play space, and mostly things work out pretty well. If a toy gets snatched and it's a big deal, we have the snatcher return the toy, and have the kids take turns. If someone hits or pushes, he/she must say they're sorry. So we do guide their interaction somewhat, but we also try to let them handle things first. It's a balance, and we interfere to help them learn how to handle certain scenarios, not to protect them from the scenarios. Make sense?

I hope you find a preschool environment you're comfortable with! Sounds like you might like something in which you can be very involved, that has just a few students and is a peaceful, gentle environment. Good luck!

rubber_chicken · September 2013

CIO is a method of sleep-training an infant. It doesn't refer to a toddler crying because she wants a toy.

Dr Sear's website has this to say about AP and toddlers: Hang in there through age eighteen months, then be alert for signs that your toddler is trying to make space between you. Some mothers might tend to hover and smother and continue to hang on, but remember, the one-and-a-half-to-two-year-old needs to become his own person.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/helping-toddler-ease-independence

Also this on spoiling: the possessive parent, or "hover mother," is constantly in a flurry around her child, doing everything for him because of her own fears and insecurity. Her child may become overly dependent, because he has been kept from doing what he needs to do. An attached mother recognizes when it is appropriate to let her child struggle a bit, experience some frustration, so that he can grow. This is why we continually emphasize putting balance in your chosen parenting style. Attachment differs from dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-development/spoiling

bingbongsmama · September 2013

rubber_chicken said:
CIO is a method of sleep-training an infant. It doesn't refer to a toddler crying because she wants a toy.

Dr Sear's website has this to say about AP and toddlers: Hang in there through age eighteen months, then
be alert for signs that your toddler is trying to make space between
you. Some mothers might tend to hover and smother and continue to hang
on, but remember, the one-and-a-half-to-two-year-old needs to become his
own person.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/helping-toddler-ease-independence

Also this on spoiling: the possessive parent, or "hover mother," is
constantly in a flurry around her child, doing everything for him because of her
own fears and insecurity. Her child may become overly dependent, because he has
been kept from doing what he needs to do. An attached mother recognizes when it
is appropriate to let her child struggle a bit, experience some frustration, so
that he can grow. This is why we continually emphasize putting balance in your
chosen parenting style. Attachment differs from dependency. Attachment
enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-development/spoiling

Let it go, chicken.
Your 2nd quote isn't relevant. YOU have defined my parenting style as spoiling, it is not a fact that moderating when a petite 2 year old is pushed down by bigger kids is hovering. That is your opinion. I'm not sure why my desire to ensure my baby is happy and safe is such a threat to you.

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2013

bingbongsmama said:

CIO is a method of sleep-training an infant. It doesn't refer to a toddler crying because she wants a toy.

Dr Sear's website has this to say about AP and toddlers: Hang in there through age eighteen months, then be alert for signs that your toddler is trying to make space between you. Some mothers might tend to hover and smother and continue to hang on, but remember, the one-and-a-half-to-two-year-old needs to become his own person.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/helping-toddler-ease-independence

Also this on spoiling: the possessive parent, or "hover mother," is constantly in a flurry around her child, doing everything for him because of her own fears and insecurity. Her child may become overly dependent, because he has been kept from doing what he needs to do. An attached mother recognizes when it is appropriate to let her child struggle a bit, experience some frustration, so that he can grow. This is why we continually emphasize putting balance in your chosen parenting style. Attachment differs from dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/child-rearing-and-development/spoiling
Let it go, chicken. Your 2nd quote isn't relevant. YOU have defined my parenting style as spoiling, it is not a fact that moderating when a petite 2 year old is pushed down by bigger kids is hovering. That is your opinion. I'm not sure why my desire to ensure my baby is happy and safe is such a threat to you.

Have you ever actually been to a preschool? Do you think it's a gang mentality where the larger kids beat up on the smaller ones all day and the teachers look the other way? It really doesn't matter the size of your child--the occasional squabble over a toy will happen. The teachers will handle it and the kids will move on. It's really not as big as a deal as you're making it out to be. I have two kids--my youngest is petite and underweight while my oldest is the size of a first grader so there's nearly nine inches between them in height. Sometimes my dd gets pushed down but they still mostly work out issues among themselves. Surprisingly, she still feels happy, safe and gets over it.

neverblushed · September 2013

Hi -- Lurker with older kids here. I had to respond to this because my kids were both young 3s, and they were both very cautious/sensitive kids.

I was really worried about how they'd do in the "rough and tumble" world of preschool when they were that age.

First, I shopped around until I found a preschool that I felt confident would understand my quiet, sensitive kids -- one with sensitive, skilled teachers who would nurture my kids and guide them to be more socially confident. Happily, the school that fit that description also happened to be the least expensive!!

My kids' preschool was 2 mornings a week for 3s, which was exactly what I wanted. I had mom friends whose 3 y/o kids were going for 5 half days a week, including lunch. I didn't leave a beloved job to stay home with my kids so that they could go to 1/2 day school at the ripe old age of 3! I still wanted my kids to mostly be with me.

Ultimately, it was 100% the right choice for my kids. DD soared into school with confidence and never looked back. She was a little shy with other kids, and it bothered her when kids broke the rules (nothing has changed there, even though she's 13 now!) But she learned to roll with things, and she was ready for kindergarten by the time it rolled around. DS was a little different story! He had a harder time separating from me in the beginning, and he didn't really learn to like school until about February of his first year. But the teachers were absolutely amazing about working with him to become more confident.

If you find the right school, it's MAGICAL for your child!

emilykathleen511 · September 2013

I agree with some previous posters who think you sound like a helicopter parent. I also don't agree with forcing children to hug and apologize. They should absolutely have control of their own bodies and when and who touches them (outside of necessary touching, like for diaper changes or for baths, or whatever). Especially other people's children?!

I'm all for AP, and positive discipline, etc., but you still need to meet your child at the developmental stage she is in. When your child is showing signs of needing greater independence, you need to meet her there, not keep her from growing socially and emotionally. That just doesn't help anyone.

Could be that we're all mis-reading your post completely. If that's the case, my apologies.

nosoup4u · September 2013

Bingbong, I have never said this on this board, but damn. You have to let go and trust your kid can make it on her own for part of the day. Visit actual preschools, and talk to the teachers. They're trained and experienced in dealing with groups of young children. I've been involved in education as a teacher and a parent, and haven't ever heard of or seen any of the craziness you think happens in preschools.

Both my kids have gone to a small private preschool where the student teacher ratio is 1:6 or so.

And I agree with whoever called you out in the forced hugs and kisses at play dates, that's sometbing that would piss me off as a parent. The entire premise of AP is respecting babies and children, not smothering them.

LilyGR · October 2013

I co-taught a preschool for one year, and I have an associates in Child Development. You are definitely doing the right thing when you help your child learn how to cope with negative situations. Young children need positive adult support and examples, because they haven't learned how to deal with conflict yet.

As for the teacher management question: It really depends on the classroom and the teachers. Teachers should be on the floor, playing with the children for the whole class time. They should be intervening in conflict situations and teaching the children conflict management skills. If they are doing these things, then your child will excel and mature. The teachers are capable of handling many children at one time.

Just make sure that the preschool you choose is a high quality one. I am not sure if Montessori does preschool, but if I sent my child to a preschool, it would be a Montessori one.

sugarbear0524 · October 2013

OP--If you do go the preschool route (and I hope you do), you have to have a positive attitude about it. If you're negative, your child can sense that. Go into it happy and confident, and that will tell your toddler that it's a safe, fun place for them to be.

Frankly, all this sounds like it's more about you than your child.

rae_dylanzmom · October 2013

I don't want to pile on, but "Frankly, all this sounds like it's more about you than your child."

My advice is to explore this from the perspective of being your process... not your daughter's. I don't know if it's about control, or trust, or your own memories of school, or what.... you'll have to get to the bottom of that yourself.

More practically, it sounds like lots of research on options, visits, and getting to know the caregivers will be important for your process.

As to what refund you'd get? Let that go for now and start spending some time in these classrooms to justify or alleviate your fears.

penguinem · October 2013

We kept our 3 year old home (my husband stays at home w the kids) and spent money on taking a few classes (soccer, dance) for social exposure and adjustment to structure, etc. I liked this because they only lasted 30-60 minutes and we could stay, and she still got Some exposure to the stresses of interacting, as well as the great stuff! This year at four she is a peer in a preschool program with some other children with disabilities; she goes 9-12 5 days a week. I know she wasn't ready for school at three but boy by four she was ecstatic! It's been wonderful.
Knowing your family's needs doesn't mean you're a helicopter parent. I didn't get that from the OP; I don't know why everyone jumped on that when that's not at all what you were asking. Now you have some great quotes from the Dr. Sears website, though! Seriously, don't let others make you feel bad for making the best decision for your family. I thought this site was here for support, not to bash each other. Don't we do that to ourselves enough as it is?

rae_dylanzmom · October 2013

Let me just jump back in to say that I wasn't intending to bash you with my comments. Hell, our news had ANOTHER report of abuse at a daycare while I was writing my first post.... it's a big deal to find your LO a nurturing environment that fits her temperament.

That said, in your OP, here's where you lost me... "I find some moms tend to be busy chatting rather than watching the kids, so I end up having to mediate."

I believe that a lot of our parenting choices are more about us than our kids. I could go on and on with examples here of my own stuff. So I've just suggested you look at this in a different way to understand more clearly what you need to figure out a solution.

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