Question for 2+ time mommas

RedBird11 · September 2013

I have a little bit of a dilemma and as a first time Mom I am not sure what to do.

My best friend is getting married on May 17th. She wants me to be a bridesmaid. I am due April 14th. Of course, I can't look into the future and see what date I will actually give birth, or even if it will be a natural birth or c-section. My friend had said that if I turn down being bridesmaid she understands since it is so close to my due date and she won't take it personally. I do want to be in the wedding but I have no idea what to expect and don't want to regret whatever decision I make. Pretty much my question is: In your experience would you have wanted to be in a wedding a month after giving birth? What about if I end up being a couple weeks late and give birth at the end of April? Or if I have a c-section? I know these are loaded questions but since I have never been through pregnancy/birth before I really don't know what to do.

Sisimama10 · September 2013

I wasn't asked to be in any weddings, but I know a month after I still wasn't feeling great. I tore horribly and had a hard time walking and healing. I was still very emotional and sore. I wasn't feeling so hot about my body either yet so I wouldn't have wanted to be in a dress for a wedding. But everyone's experience is different and you may feel great the week after. It's hard to know ahead of time.

MamaFantastic · September 2013

Could you ask to be included otherwise? Like doing a reading, perhaps? That might be less stressful on you (not to mention easier for your PP body to not have to be in a bridesmaid dress!)

SeattleMomma · September 2013

I told my best friend that I couldn't because the baby ( my second) would have only been 1 month old. I still ended up going to the wedding, but there was no way I would of fit in the dress.

bsinno · September 2013

I had my daughter on 8/16 and was MOH at my sister in laws wedding on 9/17. It worked out fine for me, although both sets of grandparents were at the wedding, so my daughter ws there the whole time just being passed around by family members while I got ready/practiced speech/set up lanterns/ect. Physically, I felt fine. I started pumping the week of, as even with her there, I didn't breastfeed her directly for the longest time since her birth (20 hours, I had a few cocktails!)

It is doable, just don't pit high expectations on yourself. I planned a lot of the bridal shower while I was still pregnant and then handed over the reigns to someone else.

NicoleAnne416 · September 2013

I'd skip it. Wondering how the dress would fit, how you're healing, your exhaustion level...

myluckypig · September 2013

I guess I am in the minority and I would totally do it!

Obviously I would not participate in the bachelorette party or spend the entire day of wedding prepping with the girls like normal...but I definitely think I would be okay to stand with my friend a short while.

For what its worth, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding just a week before I had my baby. I came right before wedding, stayed for the dinner, first dance, etc.......but shortly after I left...because I was just miserable. I am so glad I went and spent a couple of hours with my best friend on the biggest day of her life.

ksulli · September 2013

I was a bridesmaid 4 mos post pardum with DD and that was tough balancing the baby and the bridesmaiding duties. There were five other bridesmaids to help out with wedding duties, and my parents were invited, so the could help us with the baby. Nursing in the bridesmaid dress was a b*tch. I would decline at 1 month, especially if it requires travel. I do like the option to do a reading if that would work for the bride.

myluckypig · September 2013

Oh...and I just saw that it is your BEST FRIEND.

I wouldn't worry about the dress fitting. I think they say consider yourself 4-5 months pregnant about 1 month after birth..so you can get your measurements then.

I had vaginal births both times so my healing was pretty rapid (even though I had episiotomy). I would have been happy to have an excuse to get out of the house by 1 month pp. :-)

bsinno · September 2013

as for the dress: I had my fitting at 5 months and the staff at davids bridal were very helpful, women come in with this situation all the time. I ordered a dress that it me at 5 months and it fit perfect day of. and we planned the bachelorette party to happen while I was still pregnant. It was a beach weekend and I still went, I just came home from the bar earlier than everyone else and ate my face off. I had a blast though!

pdilly2b · September 2013

What would be required of you the day of? If all day duties and pics and you had to stay the whole reception or baby couldn't be around wherever you were (with DH or other family) then I would decline. My bigger issue would have been separation related to BFing and emotions than anything physical (aside from engorgement).

smashton14th · September 2013

I wouldn't have done it. Being a bridesmaid is more complicated than just attending. I was sleep deprived, still healing, and still working on breast feeding. But everyone is different.

AliciaBeth · September 2013

If my best friend's wedding were a month after my due date, I would absolutely be a bridesmaid. You can figure out all of the details when the event gets closer, but I know she would love to have you as part of her day and you'll probably be excited to dress up again!

RedBird11 · September 2013

Thanks for all of the replies ladies, I really do appreciate it. Like I said I am clueless on what to expect so I am really taking all of the responses seriously. I am starting to lean towards turning it down because of some points that you all have made that I never thought of. Breast feeding being a big one. I definitely plan on breast feeding and I see where that would be a problem between all the time it takes getting ready, the actual ceremony and tons of photos afterwards. Not to mention the amount of time I would spend sitting at the head table. The wedding is going to be about 45 minutes from where I live and it will be pretty much an all day thing. I told her I would attend though no matter what. I just couldn't miss it.

myschlove · September 2013

I had a C-section on the day I was due and four weeks later I definitely would not feel like being in the wedding… I hate to tell you that. Let's just say at that point my son was sleeping about 3-4 hours at a time at night and I still had quite a post baby pooch! Granted if you have a vaginal delivery chances are you'll bounce back faster but it takes a long time to recover from a C-section. It took a week before I could go to the bathroom without help or take a shower without sitting down.

I don't say this to scare you… Everyone's recovery is different but since it is so close I think you will do better if you decline. There is enough to worry about those last few weeks without worrying about being in a wedding shortly after!

teachingmama11 · September 2013

Personally, I wouldn't have felt up to it. I was exhausted and probably also would not have been ok with being away from him for such long periods of time in one weekend at 1 month. I do agree with others that if you can have fewer duties/have to be there less time than typical or if there is another way you can be part of the wedding, I would do that.

strawberrytree · September 2013

This is just me, but I'd do it. Our first was actually a surprise baby while we were planning our wedding (got a + the week after I bought my dress). I was due 6/10 and our wedding was planned for 7/7. I got lucky and went into labour 2 weeks early, and had a straightforward natural birth that I bounced back from physically. I was up and about and doing everything I normally I did before I was even a week pp.

Not to say it was a snap- I remember sitting in the chair at the hairdressers, nursing my newborn while getting my hair done- and I ducked out of the reception a few times to BF in a back room. I nursed him right before I got dressed, and then again after the ceremony before we went for pictures...basically, any time there was a few minutes of downtime, I snuck out and nursed. I also brought a couple bottles of pumped milk just in case, and he did take one (the one and only bottle he ever took!). Your DH would need to be a rockstar taking care of the baby while you performed your duties, and you'd probably want to leave the reception early. But it is 100% doable.

In your place, I would probably say yes, on the condition that if you have a difficult recovery (two weeks overdue with a C-section, etc) she is okay with taking a lesser role. And if you can, get a dress that won't require a formal fitting. If the bride hasn't already chosen dresses, these are awesome: https://twobirdsbridesmaid.ca/collection/ and they don't need to be sized.

Laura11786 · September 2013

I was in a wedding when my son was 7 days old and I would do it again but I left and went to my bed after the meal and toasts, I never stayed for the disco and everyone understood! I think as long as everyone knows you might need to leave early or disappear every few hours cause your bfing then it should be fine to do it! You might regret it if you turn it down! How good a friend is it? Is there other members of your family going that can help with baby? Are you staying there? Might be an idea so you can take a couple half hours to yourself! Do it your way hun and don't stress if you feel like you can't do it! X

Sarahjess06 · September 2013

There is no question, I would absolutely do it. With my son I was out and about before he was even a week old. Was I tired? Of course. It was thanksgiving and I wanted to see everyone. It's your best friend. Do it. No question.

dhaas1313 · September 2013

A wedding it not about you it's about the bride. Yes, you will probably be tired, you probably won't look as great as you would like, but again it's not about you it's about your best friend that asked you to be there by her side. If I were the bride I would be offended that you wouldn't get over it for a night.

cwm11985 · September 2013

dhaas1313 said:
A wedding it not about you it's about the bride. Yes, you will probably be tired, you probably won't look as great as you would like, but again it's not about you it's about your best friend that asked you to be there by her side. If I were the bride I would be offended that you wouldn't get over it for a night.

How insensitive to expect someone to "get over it for a night." At one month (or less) PP, the op had every right to still feel like crap and not want to participate as a bridesmaid. Clearly her friend cares about the situation since she specifically mentioned she was understanding if op couldn't be in the wedding.

Op, I would not do it. We were invited to a wedding (husband's friend) 3 weeks after my LO was born. We didn't go; it seemed like a nightmare with a nursing 3 week old. I am so glad we didn't go. Friends of ours, who had a 5 week old at that point, went and were totally miserable. Since its your best friend I would go to the wedding but decline being a bridesmaid personally.

1983sas · September 2013

I disagree with what seems to be popular opinion. I was perfectly fine 2 weeks after having B, running up and down stairs, and only 2 sizes bigger than pre pregnancy. I think you would be fine being in the wedding and will regret not doing it.

Stasi · September 2013

I was still suffering horribly from hormones a month after a had DD which had me crying at things like sad commercials, love songs, the color yellow, clouds...ha! I had the blues pretty bad!

ksr53777 · September 2013

I was the MOH in my sister's wedding 2.5 months PP after my 2nd daughter. I can not imagine if I would have only had one month! I also think there's a big difference between being mobile and out of the house vs. being in a wedding. The BF'ing was really an issue, there was no way to have by daughter with me the whole time so I just carried the pump everywhere. YAY for pumping in the limo on the way to take pictures! After all 3 babies I feel like it took a good 3 months to get a good groove and feel like myself. The wedding was very stressful! HOWEVER despite it being a miserable day for ME I think I would have regretted not being in my sister's wedding more, you know? So that is something to consider.

MyNameWasTaken · September 2013

dhaas1313 said:

A wedding it not about you it's about the bride. Yes, you will probably be tired, you probably won't look as great as you would like, but again it's not about you it's about your best friend that asked you to be there by her side. If I were the bride I would be offended that you wouldn't get over it for a night.

Oh, shut up. Not everyone feels up to doing something like this after birth, and that's perfectly okay. If her best friend goes all bridezilla over this, then she's an incredibly self-centered twat of a "friend".

OP, a month after delivering? Nope. I was sleep-deprived, really sore, nursing a kid every 1-2 hours around the clock, and definitely wouldn't have felt up to it. Further, I looked like shit--my hair was falling out, I was a stinky, sweaty monster and I was still bleeding like a stuck pig (as in, still wearing Depends). I don't imagine things would've been very different if I'd had a c/s, other than healing from the incision. I'd probably decline being a bridesmaid, given the dates, but I'd try to make it to the wedding if I could.

b-ruth · September 2013

I was in my best friends wedding a month after I had my little one. I was totally fine except it was a really long day and I was squeezing in pumping in my car. If you decide to be in her wedding make sure to order your dress at least a size bigger than your pre pregnancy size. I ordered my dress big and I'm glad I did cause I was still carrying around extra baby weight. Edit to add: oh forgot to mention that my baby was still in the hospital so that might make a difference. I did not have a newborn to take care of. Best wishes!

myschlove · September 2013

one month is hard... but she could be late! and that could even mean 2 weeks! it's one thing to help but I was not up to standing in a formal gown in front of a crowd 2-4 weeks after! that's rough!

and for miss "I bounced back right away" ...um.... I'm really happy for you but most ppl dont just bounce back and run up and down stairs right away, especially if you've had a csection !

MrsEmilyS · September 2013

I would have attended if it was a good friend but otherwise I wouldn't have even gone. I was exhausted and felt terrible about my PP body.

Andrewsgal · September 2013

I bounced back right away from both of my vaginal births, I would have been fine at a month, hell I would behave been fine at two weeks. I had a friend who had a c section Thursday and we are going out to lunch today. Even with a c section some people bounce back quickly,

Teresa1896 · September 2013

I would go but decline such a formal responsibility of being a bridesmaid. At 4 weeks old my DD was a nursing machine and it would be very hard to deal with that amid wedding festivities. Your friend will just appreciate your being there, whether you're formally her bridesmaid or not.

momofmanyinthemitten · September 2013

I felt better 2 wks after my c/s than my VBAC. I had a 2nd degree tear and couldn't sit for at least 2 weeks. Also, I had nerve damage and didn't have control over my bowels or urine. A wedding 2-4 wks after that would have been a no go. However, I would've considered it after my c/s, if my child didn't have crazy colic.

GoldenGibson · September 2013

At one month PP I was just starting to feel human again. Sleep deprivation would make me completely miserable being a bridesmaid. Everyone is different though and I guess it depends on your flexibility level and the baby. I've had friends/family that have super easy newborns that are happy and sleep all day but my DS was very needy and demanding so it just wouldn't work for us.

AWICK18 · September 2013

I think it all depends on how you deal with stress. Whether you have the baby 4 weeks before the wedding or 2 weeks babies at that age sleep a lot, but it is going to be difficult leaving the baby that soon. I was fine at 2 to 4 weeks but if you have a baby that cries a lot you might feel differently and be sleep deprived. If you are the type of person who is very active and is able to handle a lot of tasks at once I think you can do it. If you get overwhelmed more easily I wouldn't do it. Its not worth the stress on you or your family. I'm sure your best friend wouldn't want you to feel that way either. You know yourself and should know what is best. If you don't think you can do it, doing a reading or something like that is a great way to be part of your best friend's special day.

AWICK18 · September 2013

I think it all depends on how you deal with stress. Whether you have the baby 4 weeks before the wedding or 2 weeks babies at that age sleep a lot, but it is going to be difficult leaving the baby that soon. I was fine at 2 to 4 weeks but if you have a baby that cries a lot you might feel differently and be sleep deprived. If you are the type of person who is very active and is able to handle a lot of tasks at once I think you can do it. If you get overwhelmed more easily I wouldn't do it. Its not worth the stress on you or your family. I'm sure your best friend wouldn't want you to feel that way either. You know yourself and should know what is best. If you don't think you can do it, doing a reading or something like that is a great way to be part of your best friend's special day.

blueshamrock7 · September 2013

Just to give you some perspective based on my situation and a "worst case scenario," which is how I usually weigh my options, personally. My daughter was born 2 weeks late... and I ended up being induced & then having a C-section. If this were to happen to you (very possible, sadly, with your first, at least for the late part!), your timeline would give you two weeks between having the baby and the wedding. You stay in the hospital 3-4 nights (I stayed 4 nights with my daughter, with my second when I have a RCS, I will hopefully only stay 3 because I don't want to be away from my daughter that long)! That means you'd be home for a little over a week before being in a wedding. I don't know about you, but when I've been in weddings, it is usually an all day affair that starts with helping the bride get ready, getting yourself ready, taking a ton of pictures and then spending hours in a reception hall/restaurant. At 2 weeks PP, I wasn't even allowed to drive and I was still limited to stairs once-twice a day. Granted I was doing a lot better than when I first left the hospital, but there is no way in HELL I would have been in a wedding and I am thankful to have a best friend who would understand. Sounds like yours would to. Just because you're not in her wedding, doesn't mean you can't still help out and be involved in everything and then you can be involved on the actual day at your leisure vs. the needs of her/the wedding's schedule. Good luck!

sweetmelissa0707 · September 2013

cwm11985 said:

dhaas1313 said:
A wedding it not about you it's about the bride. Yes, you will probably be tired, you probably won't look as great as you would like, but again it's not about you it's about your best friend that asked you to be there by her side. If I were the bride I would be offended that you wouldn't get over it for a night.
How insensitive to expect someone to "get over it for a night." At one month (or less) PP, the op had every right to still feel like crap and not want to participate as a bridesmaid. Clearly her friend cares about the situation since she specifically mentioned she was understanding if op couldn't be in the wedding.

Op, I would not do it. We were invited to a wedding (husband's friend) 3 weeks after my LO was born. We didn't go; it seemed like a nightmare with a nursing 3 week old. I am so glad we didn't go. Friends of ours, who had a 5 week old at that point, went and were totally miserable. Since its your best friend I would go to the wedding but decline being a bridesmaid personally.

Totally agree! Yes I would want to be there for my friend, of course. But you literally never know how it's all going to go down once you deliver. My first was a doozy, severe pre e, unplanned c section, extended stay for jaundice, botched epidural that led to a spinal headache , blood patch to fix it, antibiotics that turned my stomach to acid and a new baby. At four weeks post partum, I was barely human. "Getting over it" even for a night is not always an option.

All that aside, OP, I would tentatively plan to attend some of the wedding, but perhaps not take on the role of bridesmaid. Good luck.

ckred27 · September 2013

I would do it. Everyone is different, but I was feeling fine a month after, and would welcome the excuse to get out of the house and have an adults only night.

bornmommy · September 2013

I wouldn't have been able to participate in bridesmaid capacity a month after I gave birth. I was still bleeding heavily, exhausted from not sleeping, etc. Also, DS needed me 24/7 at that point because I was breastfeeding and he was going through a growth spurt, so he literally was eating every 30 minutes.

snowclouds · September 2013

I haven't read all the responses. If this is your best friend, you might regret not being in the wedding.

Here are some things to think about which might have been mentioned. BF can be hard and even if it isn't. A 2-4 week old eats every 2-3 hours. If you're ok with pumping and giving bottles then that can work. Is your friend ok with baby attending along with you and hubby? I've been in weddings and being in the wedding party is very time consuming until after dinner. A c-section has a 6 wk recovery period attached to it. Now it did not take me 6 weeks, but it did take me a good 3 weeks to be able to go up stairs comfortable and lift baby plus carseat and all diaper bag.

A good option might be to get your friend to get a standby person just in case you have to pull out last second. Hopefully that person could just use your dress with last minute alterations if worse comes to worse.

Good luck with the decision. Stuff like this is hard.

RayRay007 · September 2013

I would not have wanted to be in a wedding one month after giving birth but it could be done. It's more than just standing up at the ceremony. You will be expected to help with a lot of things before and after the wedding. That's what would be difficult. If you want to support her and stand up for her, maybe if you make it clear that you might not be particularly helpful with other things it would be fine.

katiedidthat · September 2013

I would have been up for it after DS. I was up and on my feet within hours of delivery and really only bled for about a week. I'd definitely want to make sure baby can be there (in the bridal suite with grandma during the ceremony perhaps?) if you plan to breastfeeding, and I'd let your friend know you won't be up for a full days activities but I'm sure if you tell her yes and then something happens to prevent you for actually attending that it won't ruin her wedding or anything like that. Your best friend will only get married once (hopefully), I'd at least say you'll try or that you'll do it for now and revisit the decision later if you have to!

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