I just have to say this...

raeg13 · September 2013

In 2010 I experienced a miscarriage. It was one of the most difficult things I have experienced.

I understand that people get tired of seeing the same posts over and over again. I understand that we can't tell people if they are miscarrying because we aren't doctors.

However, when someone posts that they are scared and they need some reassurance, I don't think being snarky is an appropriate response in that situation. It is one of the scariest feelings in the world and the last thing someone wants to hear is a sassy response. Go ahead and be snarky about the no symptoms posts and what not. But please think about what feelings women who are spotting or bleeding are going through before you post things like "we can't help you, we aren't doctors." This is the one situation on TB where I think the rule if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all applies. Just something to think about.

Pixie5295 · September 2013

I have

awc1986 · September 2013

I'm also PgAL so I understand the pain of loss, as do many other women on the boards so please don't suggest that we are not supportive and are somehow insensitive. That's actually a very insensitive thing to say yourself as you do not know what we have all previously been through. You don't know our individual situations, but you don't need to explain how loss feels. We've been there, some of us many times, so we know. You are not an authority on it, but you are part of a group of women who have experienced it and are here to support each other.

Anyway, when someone asks if they have miscarried, what on earth do they expect as an answer?! We can provide reassuring words but without a medical degree, a whole load of expensive equipment and a home visit there is no way we can tell you whether or not you are miscarrying. If that is your concern, get off the boards and get on the phone to your dr! They're the only person who can answer that question for you.

We're all here to support each other, but if you ask an impossible question, you will get a frustrated answer.

raeg13 · September 2013

WOW, by no means do I consider myself an authority on this. Just giving my opinion which I thought was pretty clear.

As I said, I understand that we can't answer the question. MY personal opinion is that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. You don't have to respond. You can also tell someone to call their doctor in a kind way. It was just food for thought. I am not the miscarriage police. Good grief.

2ismymax · September 2013

In my opinion telling someone to call their doctor is not snarky in the least. It's good advice. I hate seeing people blow smoke up the spotter's ass by telling them spotting is normal. Reality, it's normal until it's not. I think it's much worse when someone sits back and does nothing because twenty internet strangers made a poor diagnosis without a medical license.
When someone makes a post that says "I called my dr, I am in limbo, I need prayers", we all give it.
Do not seek medical advice from internet strangers, ever.

raeg13 · September 2013

2ismymax said:
In my opinion telling someone to call their doctor is not snarky in the least. It's good advice. I hate seeing people blow smoke up the spotter's ass by telling them spotting is normal. Reality, it's normal until it's not. I think it's much worse when someone sits back and does nothing because twenty internet strangers made a poor diagnose without a medical license.
When someone makes a post that says "I called my dr, I am in limbo, I need prayers, we all give it."
Do not seek medical advice from internet strangers, ever.

I don't disagree with you at all. I have just seen instances where people have said it in a way where it comes across snarky.

awc1986 · September 2013

"Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows..." :-\"

raeg13 · September 2013

awc1986 said:
"Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows..." :-\"

And don't forget unicorns.

Empireceo · September 2013

Anyone else getting tired of seeing the word "snark"? It's losing all meaning.

Some people are blunt. Some are better at coddling people. Some prefer one approach to the other. *shrugs* It's the internet. If a stranger can hurt your feelings, well...I don't really have advice for you.

pandadair · September 2013

Empireceo said:

Anyone else getting tired of seeing the word "snark"? It's losing all meaning.

Some people are blunt. Some are better at coddling people. Some prefer one approach to the other. *shrugs* It's the internet. If a stranger can hurt your feelings, well...I don't really have advice for you.

It generally seems like most people whose response is *shrug* "I'm just blunt" are really just assholes. Everyone on here would flip out if someone's response to an "I miscarried" post was "Well, it happens to 20% of people. Better luck next time." You could classify that response as blunt, truthful and non-coddling, but it's also really fucking rude and unnecessary.

Soupy84 · September 2013

pandadair said:

Empireceo said:

Anyone else getting tired of seeing the word "snark"? It's losing all meaning.

Some people are blunt. Some are better at coddling people. Some prefer one approach to the other. *shrugs* It's the internet. If a stranger can hurt your feelings, well...I don't really have advice for you.

It generally seems like most people whose response is *shrug* "I'm just blunt" are really just assholes. Everyone on here would flip out if someone's response to an "I miscarried" post was "Well, it happens to 20% of people. Better luck next time." You could classify that response as blunt, truthful and non-coddling, but it's also really fucking rude and unnecessary.

This.

There is being blunt, and then there is being rude. Even though you may not know the person, what harm could it do to show just an ounce of compassion? I have seen far too many posts that are rude and condescending in tone. If all you have to give for advice is "Go see your doctor" (which IS good advice), take the extra few seconds to phrase it politely. Caps are not necessary.

Empireceo · September 2013

pandadair said:

Empireceo said:

Anyone else getting tired of seeing the word "snark"? It's losing all meaning.

Some people are blunt. Some are better at coddling people. Some prefer one approach to the other. *shrugs* It's the internet. If a stranger can hurt your feelings, well...I don't really have advice for you.

It generally seems like most people whose response is *shrug* "I'm just blunt" are really just assholes. Everyone on here would flip out if someone's response to an "I miscarried" post was "Well, it happens to 20% of people. Better luck next time." You could classify that response as blunt, truthful and non-coddling, but it's also really fucking rude and unnecessary.

I don't understand this example. No one, at least not that I've seen on the board, has said anything that approaches that. Most of this thread has been people either agreeing or disagreeing that "call your doctor" is often the best advice one poster can give to another. I don't get why you would turn it into a what if situation because I said some people are blunt/prefer blunt responses.

Edited to try to fix wonky quote.

2ismymax · September 2013

@soupy84
When I wrote it for the tenth time in a 48 hour period, caps felt necessary. People just don't seem to get it. The life of your baby is at risk. Stop asking medical questions on an internet forum. I have compassion, but not when people lack common sense.

pandadair · September 2013

Empireceo said:

pandadair said:

Empireceo said:

Anyone else getting tired of seeing the word "snark"? It's losing all meaning.

Some people are blunt. Some are better at coddling people. Some prefer one approach to the other. *shrugs* It's the internet. If a stranger can hurt your feelings, well...I don't really have advice for you.

It generally seems like most people whose response is *shrug* "I'm just blunt" are really just assholes. Everyone on here would flip out if someone's response to an "I miscarried" post was "Well, it happens to 20% of people. Better luck next time." You could classify that response as blunt, truthful and non-coddling, but it's also really fucking rude and unnecessary.

I don't understand this example. No one, at least not that I've seen on the board, has said anything that approaches that. Most of this thread has been people either agreeing or disagreeing that "call your doctor" is often the best advice one poster can give to another. I don't get why you would turn it into a what if situation because I said some people are blunt/prefer blunt responses.

Edited to try to fix wonky quote.

No, there definitely hasn't been anyone posting something like that. But would that response bother you? Because it's just being blunt. And also not OK. I just don't understand some of the people on here who take the time to respond/comment (on anything, not just "Am I miscarrying?" questions) just to make it known that they think the OP is dumb for asking. Like @Soupy84 said, if you feel the need to respond, it takes no extra effort to say "I'm sorry this is happening to you. We can't really give you an answer, but your doctor can." than it does to say "GO TO A DOCTOR." If posts annoy you that much, it's pretty easy to just not respond.

2ismymax · September 2013

WhenI bled this time, within two minutes I called my doctor. Then I called my mom and my sister since we have a genetic disorder that caused eight miscarriages between the two, then I jumped on google to educate myself. But that's just me. I am not insensitive and like I said before when your baby is at risk, don't ask strangers. So yes, for the second time in my defense, caps are necessary.

Turn4Cindy · September 2013

@raeg13, great you posted this. And I loved all the responses I agree with. I have had an ectopic and have chosen to simply not respond to those questions youve referred to because I really feel like just saying "go to your doctor, damn it"! So, I rather not. They'll figure it out. I teach children, don't usually bother with adults.
If you're seeing these posts and you actually respond to them each and every time or so often that you're tired of them, maybe you have too much time in your hands and you need to find something else to do. You're borderline bitter. We are pregnant, hormonal, but quit using it as an excuse to be an insensitive bitch. Even if it is the Internet.

Soupy84 · September 2013

@2ismymax

Do you truly feel that when someone comes to a board such as ours and posts about her spotting, that she is lacking common sense? Would it not make more sense that she is most likely terrified that the life of her unborn child is indeed in jeopardy?

Most posters have already called their doctors, but are helpless to do anything at that point and time. They are stuck in limbo. Why make their pain that much worse by taking your frustrations out on them?

When I was spotting in week 5, I sure as hell wouldnt have responded well to someone on their high horse barking at me to call my doctor. That was the first call I made. Talking to the doctor did absolutely nothing to calm my fears. It has nothing to do with my level of common sense and everything to do with fear and wanting to understand.

andrew's wifey · September 2013

I find it fascinating that we can use profanity here now. It's kind of exciting.

raeg13 · September 2013

andrew's wifey said:

I find it fascinating that we can use profanity here now. It's kind of exciting.

This just made me laugh out loud. Love it.

2ismymax · September 2013

I guess I am an insensitive bitter bitch with too much time on my hands. Wow. Glad this post went there and stayed mature. @turn4cindy

andrew's wifey · September 2013

raeg13 said:

andrew's wifey said:

I find it fascinating that we can use profanity here now. It's kind of exciting.

This just made me laugh out loud. Love it.

This is important shit!

Pixie5295 · September 2013

I have had two losses now (3 babies) and I don't think telling them to call their docs is mean at all. While we can tell her our experiences and she can compare it with hers it won't really help. Every pregnancy and m/c is different.

That being said people can get mean. But I still stand by that saying call your doctor is no an insensitive thing to say. Its the best advice we can give.

Soupy84 · September 2013

Pixie5295 said:
I have had two losses now (3 babies) and I don't think telling them to call their docs is mean at all. While we can tell her our experiences and she can compare it with hers it won't really help. Every pregnancy and m/c is different. That being said people can get mean. But I still stand by that saying call your doctor is no an insensitive thing to say. Its the best advice we can give.

I agree that telling someone to call their doctor is the best advice we can give. There is no debate over that at all.

What seems to be the issue, is how that message is delivered. Poor delivery is the issue at hand. In a board that is supposed to be supportive, there have been a lot of posts that are insensitive due to their punctuation, tone, etc.

Pixie5295 · September 2013

Soupy84 said:

Pixie5295 said:
I have had two losses now (3 babies) and I don't think telling them to call their docs is mean at all. While we can tell her our experiences and she can compare it with hers it won't really help. Every pregnancy and m/c is different.

That being said people can get mean. But I still stand by that saying call your doctor is no an insensitive thing to say. Its the best advice we can give.

I agree that telling someone to call their doctor is the best advice we can give. There is no debate over that at all.

What
seems to be the issue, is how that message is delivered. Poor delivery
is the issue at hand. In a board that is supposed to be supportive,
there have been a lot of posts that are insensitive due to their
punctuation, tone, etc.

Fair enough. When she said think before saying"I am not a doctor, I can't help you" I guess this response just wouldn't bother me
I understand some are more sensitive then others. Usually I just stay clear of the "Am I m/c?" Post.

Soupy84 · September 2013

I think that this board would simply be better served if those that felt they couldnt provide support in a courteous manner, refrained from posting a response. I try to steer clear of those kinds of posts as well. It becomes very trying to answer the same questions over and over. If I dont feel I can give the level of support necessary, then I dont respond.

Pixie5295 · September 2013

Soupy84 said:
I think that this board would simply be better served if those that felt they couldnt provide support in a courteous manner, refrained from posting a response.

I try to steer clear of those kinds of posts as well. It becomes very trying to answer the same questions over and over. If I dont feel I can give the level of support necessary, then I dont respond.

I completely agree.

melissamello · September 2013

Never once have I seen someone reply with a rude remark... nor do I think telling someone they should seek their doctor's advice is rude in any way, especially when I have seen people post about spotting and they give no details (ex: "I've been spotting for 2 days, should I be worried?") If you don't give any details of course we are going to tell them to go to the doctor...

MrsT2008 · September 2013

I assume this is basically about 2ismymax's post in one of the "am I miscarrying" threads, no?

In that case, when the poster made no mention of calling her doctor or providing any other details, then I see zero issues with the responses she got. She was literally asking if we thought she was miscarrying. WTF are we supposed to say to that?

MrsT2008 · September 2013

I'm going to start answering posts like that with "no, I doubt you are!" That's nice enough, right? Not blunt, not rude, not snarky. Oh, but it's completely pointless and won't help the OP in any way shape or form. At least telling her to call her doctor will get her actual answers.

raeg13 · September 2013

MrsT2008 said:

I'm going to start answering posts like that with "no, I doubt you are!" That's nice enough, right? Not blunt, not rude, not snarky. Oh, but it's completely pointless and won't help the OP in any way shape or form. At least telling her to call her doctor will get her actual answers.

Ok, let me try and put some perspective with why I wrote this. I feel like my point is being lost in translation.

If your friend called you and said, "OMG, I am spotting, I am freaking out. Do you think I might be miscarrying?" Would you respond by yelling, "I'm not a doctor. CALL YOUR DOCTOR" into the phone and hang up? No. At least I hope you wouldn't. Hopefully, you would calmly tell them that they should probably hang up with you and call their doctor and you hope everything is ok. Whether it is your friend on the phone, or an internet stranger, it is a delicate subject that I believe should be handled delicately. Period.

jenmbott · September 2013

To piggyback off of a lot of what has already been said, I think people that post about spotting, bleeding,cramping and possibly miscarrying are also looking to see if other women have been in their shoes. Hearing a story about another woman who has been in a similar situation as you with the end result of a healthy pregnancy gives some hope. No, most of us are not doctors and therefore cannot tell other posters if they are miscarrying, but we can offer stories and positive thoughts. Although every case is unique, it helps to identify with people who are going through or went though the same thing as you. It has been said multiple times before by people in this thread, but if you do not have something positive to contribute to the bleeding, spotting or miscarrying threads, do not post at all. @Soupy84 and @raeg13 I completely agree with you guys and thanks for bringing this up!

ETA: It is possible to be firm and assertive without being rude and condescending

dragossoul84 · September 2013

I have had six losses at one point I was told I couldnt have children (thankfully they were wrong) I totally get the pain of loss, however the truth is I would rather have people be honest with me than just say what I want to hear. Some spotting is okay some is bad without being a Dr. no one can say for sure.

AllieSchur · September 2013

I just have to chime in.

As a loss mom, I know when I read those threads, my heart aches as I can easily remember those first hours/days when you start to realize that something might not be right. If God forbid the worst does happen and it is in fact the beginning of a miscarriage then myself and other loss mom's know the hell that they are going through and what horrible days are to come.

I think the point of the OP was can we just have gentle hands? Obviously the only answer any of us can give is to call their doctor, and I know there are a million of these posts and it is always frustrating when they obviously need to seek medical advice.

I think just a gentle "you need to call your doctor" or nothing or a redirect to PGAL.

Empireceo · September 2013

I think people should stop directing others in what manner they should respond on the internet. Seriously,we're getting hung up on punctuation now? A thicker skin wouldn't hurt some of you.

2ismymax · September 2013

Since this was bumped up and since myself and several other girls took a beating on this post I will say this:
Thank you for the lecture on Bump Ettiquette 101. Although I have a new name, I have been around the block a few times here and know how things work. I appreciate the fact several of you told me what I can/can not and should/should not post.
That being said, this is the internet and it's a public forum. If I chose to use caps or lower case it is really not for you to say. It was mentioned a few times if the post annoys me then I should look away. The same holds true for my comments. If you don't like them, roll your eyes, shake you head and ignore, or hell, flame me on the stake. But some of you used the word condescending and I think telling someone what they can and can not do on a forum and then using that word is quite the double standard.
In my personal opinion, the girl who asked if she was having amiscarriage without consulting her doctor after two days of bleeding and then a negative test deserved an urgent comment of Call your doctor. If that makes me a bitch, so be it.
If I was commenting all the time in a bitchy manner then I would maybe understand the lecture, but since that's not the case, the horse is dead, so can we stop dictating responses?

OSMmom · September 2013

Is it possible that the intent of the post "CALL THE DOCTOR" was that of compassion, and real worry for the op. Who are you to decide how somebody is saying(meaning) something in the internet.
If the op is offended by a response that is sound advice, weather it is wrapped in fluffy virgin unicorn wool or not, they have very right to ask the poster if there intent if it isn't clear To them.

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