Disconnected to DH

nortiz03 · September 2013

DH and I have been so disconencted lately physically and emotionally. We have not dtd since the night I went into labor 4 months ago. We don't even hug or kiss. We both work full time so when we come home we are both exhausted and then it's time to care of LO. LO is not STTN and we were co-sleeping, but I have been sleeping in her room trying to get her used to the crib. Hopefully it'll work. But besides that I feel angry w/ DH at times. Sometimes I wish he knew what it's like to physically have a baby and see what it does to your body. I mean I just don't feel sexy at all. He worked out through my pregnancy and lost 15 lbs. He continues to work out so when he complains about something on his body it just gets on my nerves. I also EP and have wanted to quit so many times but I just look at LO and see how much she has grown and it makes it hard to quit. I just feel like he doesn't understand or he has it easy. And b/c of this I find myself moody and snapping at him alot. Feels good to finally post about it since I feel like I don't have anyone else to talk to at times.

Boo0512 · September 2013

I understand how it feels. I feel super unattractive, I still have 15lbs to lose and my lady bits just aren't the same. I was really insecure about my appearance before I had a baby but its worse now. The last thing I want to do is have sex. I feel bad but he doesn't even try to understand my side of it. I also take care of the baby 99% of the time and it frustrates me that he isn't more involved/helpful.

You are definitely not alone! I hear it gets better but I'm not holding my breath.

1and1is3 · September 2013

EPing is hard work! Good for you for keeping up with it! Give yourself a pat on the back for that, seriously

I also feel disconnected to my DH. It's not that we don't hug or kiss or anything, it's just that I get so annoyed with him for no reason! I'm really hoping it's just a phase

EDIT: wording issues

jayro10 · September 2013

I hear you. Right after LO was born, probably for the first 6 weeks or so, I felt more connected to him than I had in a long time. We were on cloud nine as a new family of 3. Then things sorta shifted and lately I've been thinking how disconnected we are. I'm home with baby all day and when he gets home from work I want him to take over for a while, but he's been really busy at work and he just wants to veg for a bit when he gets home. Plus he's working on his Masters degree which is a huge time suck. Once baby goes down for the night we both just get on our computers or phones and I hate it. But at the same time, I need that downtime too.
I don't know what the solution is yet, other than forcing more alone time, but I do know that it won't be like this forever. I've gotta believe it will get better with time but we both need to put some more effort in to it.

Lolalipsy · September 2013

It does get better. I felt like this , still do to a certain extent but it's by no means like what it was.

It got to the point where I considered going to stay with my mum for a few days for a break because he irritated me so much. It was imagining how much my "little break" would devastate him that changed my mind. Plus I thought it was incredibly selfish of me.

Adjusting to having a baby is hard because the dynamics and priorities change overnight. Don't be so hard on yourself or your H and you'll start to soften. Be proactive and start mummy group for exercise or perhaps slimming world. Anything that will help you feel better about yourself.

I bite my tongue a lot still but the more I do the more loving feelings creep back in. The most important thing is that I know I love him to bits, I just struggle to show that but I'm trying.

Good luck.

nortiz03 · September 2013

Feels good to know that these feelings are normal and you girls can relate. I look forward to it getting better but I know it's not going to happen overnight. Some days it's just so frustrating and hard. This has seriously made me wonder if LO will be an only child.

snowgirl427 · September 2013

These are def normal and I feel the same way.. We have some things that add to the situation, but it's the same result. I hope it gets better too...

ILoveSnacks · September 2013

We have had some adjustments too. I found that having me time helped a lot. I know that it's hard with working full time but even just 2 hours of errands by myself help my mindset.

helenkayj · September 2013

We're still working on it too... it's a big challenge. Last night we made some "us" time. We had to schedule it though and talk about it a week in advance to get us amped up for it because I'm just not feeling connected to DH either. Then we made dinner, put J to bed a lil early, watched a movie and cuddled, and DTD. I'll be honest and say that the physical contact was forced from me, but I feel like it was an important step to trying to get reconnected.

nbatchen · September 2013

I'm feeling the same way. And on top of those feelings we are in the middle if an out if state move. When my DH gets home he is packing or doing something to get the house ready to sell. I understand these things need done but I am by myself with the baby all day and would like a little time to myself or at least to have him acknowledge I'm there. Hoping things get better after the move!

drhibbard · September 2013

We plan things and do them but I still feel disconnected. Like we're together but his mind is somewhere else. He's the angry one in our house.

nortiz03 · September 2013

We may have to do a planned dinner or planned alone time. Months ago this would've sounded nice but now I think it would feel forced. If that's what needs to be done though. Having a baby is a huge life changing event for anybody. I think we had an idea of how much it would change our lives. But I dont think we had any idea how much things would change between the two of us after being together for 10 years w/ no kids. I definately wasn't prepared to feel all the emotions and insecurities I am feeling now.

pnutg · September 2013

I feel very disconnected as well. My H irritates me and I dread sex because its still uncomfortable. But of course, all he talks about is sex and how we don't do it enough...which makes me want to do it even less. I feel like we are in a serious rut. And I get annoyed that he doesn't help with the baby more. He says he would if C didn't fuss with him so much. Sigh. Felt good to get that out. So in short, I feel you.

nortiz03 · September 2013

pnutg said:
I feel very disconnected as well. My H irritates me and I dread sex because its still uncomfortable. But of course, all he talks about is sex and how we don't do it enough...which makes me want to do it even less. I feel like we are in a serious rut. And I get annoyed that he doesn't help with the baby more. He says he would if C didn't fuss with him so much. Sigh. Felt good to get that out. So in short, I feel you.

Actually we have never talked about it. Well, at first DH would say how we never have sex anymore but after about a while he quit talking anout it. Now it's like the elephant in the room.

HZ2012 · September 2013

I was in your shoes for about 3 months. Having a baby is such a huuuuge adjustment to your whole life. Anything DH did or said would irritate me to no end, and he's always been so unbelievably caring and understanding, as well as appreciative for having his baby. I decided that I had to change my attitude (not saying you should or need to do this, in my case, it was me who needed to check myself), and since then it's been so much better.
I think that combined with being the primary caretakers of LO, our hormones are still adjusting. Cut yourself a break, try to regroup, and go back to basics with DH. Talk it out, and come up with a plan to make things better. Good luck, you can do it

mamatohne · September 2013

I am so glad you posted this! Me and dh are on two different planets right now! And I don't see it getting better in the near future! So glad its not just me!

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