WWBFD?

JessH1474 · September 2013

So my boss booked a Disney cruise he and his wife and their kids last year. Something has come up and they are not going to be able to go on the cruise. They wouldn't issue a refund but they will transfer the tickets for a small price. He's offered the tickets to me for just the fee to transfer, which is awesome!!! The problem is, he only has 4 tickets, and we have 5 people in our family (DD10, DD5 and SS12). I thought about just trying to buy another ticket, however having 5 people instead of 4 means we require a bigger room which we can't afford as all of the ticket prices would increase. The trip is scheduled on a weekend that we don't have SS (we have EOWE) and the kids would to miss 2 days of school, which means BM would have to agree to let us have SS 2 extra days and switch weekends which I'm sure she isn't going to do. I don't know what to do, I hate the thought of taking a trip w/out SS (he's NEVER missed a vacation we've taken), but at the same time I hate to pass up such a great offer on a trip we may not ever be able to afford otherwise. Not to mention the thought of having to fight with BM to try to switch things around doesn't sound fun at all. So bascially our options are 1) Turn the trip down completely b/c all 5 of us can't go or 2) Go with the 4 of us and either explain the situation to SS or not mention it at all to avoid getting his feelings hurt. If only one thing in my life could be simple!!!

cole2144 · September 2013

Do you really think your other children would not tell?

Hopeforthebest · September 2013

Go and enjoy.

SS will be fine.

JessH1474 · September 2013

I think if I explained to the girls why he isn't able to come that they would understand and not purposely bring it up in front of him. I think if we decide to go our best option is to be up front with SS about it so that he doesn't feel like we're doing anything behind his back. I just have mixed emotions about it.

bebe11 · September 2013

I am sure he would find out about the trip. Talk to BM, if she refuses to switch weekends, then I would still go. if she agrees, talk to your H and see if you can swing the extra cost by cutting back on some other stuff?

sweetwalks · September 2013

A smaller thing, something not so major, I wouldn't worry about. In the past DC has missed out on things because we couldn't switch w BM or didn't get an answer in time re SK going so DH & I decided that in those instances we would just do it & make up for SK's absences with other things.

Now in the cruise situation, I agree w bebe11. See if you can swing the extra cost, somehow. If your boss only had 3 tickets would you leave a DD at home and explain it to them?

JessH1474 · September 2013

@bebe11 I wish we could swing the extra cost, I've already looked into it, that was the first thing I did even before looking to see who's weekend the trip fell on. If we had a decent relationship with BM I'm sure things would be different, but things between BM and DH are NOT good right now and she is trying everything she can to drive a wedge between SS and DH. I'm sure she'd say no just simply for the fact that SS would be doing something fun with us, she can't stand that. If it were on our weekend, we would probably just decline the trip completely b/c we already know we can't afford to upgrade to 5 people. The only reason we're even thinking about this is b/c it's not a weekend we'd normally have SS anyway.

@sweetwalks That is why I'm struggling with this. I can't imagine having to not take any of the kids honestly. I do feel in a way though that it's not much different than SS going on trips with BM and her boyfriend and coming over to tell DD"s all the details. I've had to talk to DD10 before and explain that I know from her standpoint things seem unfair as SS gets double the presents at holidays, double the vacations, has his own room at both houses while she has to share with her sister but that's just the way it goes sometimes and that she's lucky to have both of her parents together all the time.

sweetwalks · September 2013

I see where you're coming from & my step-siblings/half-siblings got to go on trips and do things without me, just not a cruise.

It would be hard for me to make the decision to. But, if BM is already trying to drive a wedge going on a cruise without him will only make it worse.

cole2144 · September 2013

I can tell you that my dad, SM and half siblings went to Disney once without me and my brother, and while we got over it, it still hurts that we were not even invited.

JessH1474 · September 2013

@cole2144 That is what I'm worried about

All I can hope if we decide to go is that SS will remember that we have never been anywhere without him. We plan every single trip or activity around the weekends we have him and he has the same annual park passes that the girls do. If we had the funds to plan something like this ourselves, it would be planned during an extended time with SS like the summer or winter break.

Hopeforthebest · September 2013

A 12 year old is old enough and should be equipped to understand the circumstances. I would not lie, I would explain the situation with boss giving you the trip basically and it not being your weekend with him.

cole2144 · September 2013

JessH1474 said:

@cole2144 That is what I'm worried about All I can hope if we decide to go is that SS will remember that we have never been anywhere without him. We plan every single trip or activity around the weekends we have him and he has the same annual park passes that the girls do. If we had the funds to plan something like this ourselves, it would be planned during an extended time with SS like the summer or winter break.

Has SS been to Disney with you guys before?

JessH1474 · September 2013

@cole2144 Oh yes, we live about an hour outside of Orlando so we've been to almost all of the Disney parks and all have annual passes to Sea World/Aquatica. Not that this matters, but he's also already been on a cruise with BM last year. He really does get the best of both worlds, that's one thing I can say for BM is that both her and DH have always tried to do as much for him as possible, there's defintely not much room to complain.

twister22 · September 2013

bebe11 said:

I am sure he would find out about the trip. Talk to BM, if she refuses to switch weekends, then I would still go. if she agrees, talk to your H and see if you can swing the extra cost by cutting back on some other stuff?

Ask BM first. BM is 99% likely to say no, in which case, what more can you do? I would then take the trip guilt free. I know it would be hard, but try to have fun. If hell freezes over and BM says yes, then I would do everything in your power to make it happen - talk to your parents, talk to DH's parents, see what you can cut back on, etc.

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

I think you should ask BM for the extra days. If she says yes I would pay extra for the other ticket and room. I just can't imagine going without SS unless his mom won't allow it. Which would make her a really bad mom in my book, unless she has prior major plans those days like a wedding of a family member or something??

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

And I really hope you are not considering lying to SS. That is just wrong/weird.

JessH1474 · September 2013

@dmndsr4eva Like I said, the problem is that we don't have the extra money to spend, this trip is scheduled for next month so we don't even have a lot of time to save for it and by adding a 5th person, we have to pay extra for every ticket, not just the transfer fee for the 4 tickets. As I said before, that was the very first thing I looked into was whether we could swing the extra ticket. Even went as far as calling the cruise line to explain the situation to see if any discounts were available. If that were a possibility, this wouldn't even be a question on our side at least. BM is not a bad mom, she's just a very bitter person. She's all about SS loving her and wanting to be with her more. DH and BM were together for 1 year in high school and broke up with SS was 3 months old which was almost 13 years ago. She has other children with her boyfriend and she still can't get past the hate toward DH. Trust me, if she were to say no, it would not be b/c she had other plans, it would be b/c she could not stand the thought of SS doing something with us instead of her that was fun. In a perfect world we would have the extra money and this would have fallen on our extended time, but I just don't see it working.

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

cole2144 said:

I can tell you that my dad, SM and half siblings went to Disney once without me and my brother, and while we got over it, it still hurts that we were not even invited.

This. Go ahead a go without your SS but be prepared for him to remember he was left behind for the rest of his life. If his mom keeps him from going then you need to make sure he is aware of the reason he was not allowed to go.

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

JessH1474 said:

@dmndsr4eva Like I said, the problem is that we don't have the extra money to spend, this trip is scheduled for next month so we don't even have a lot of time to save for it and by adding a 5th person, we have to pay extra for every ticket, not just the transfer fee for the 4 tickets. As I said before, that was the very first thing I looked into was whether we could swing the extra ticket. Even went as far as calling the cruise line to explain the situation to see if any discounts were available. If that were a possibility, this wouldn't even be a question on our side at least. BM is not a bad mom, she's just a very bitter person. She's all about SS loving her and wanting to be with her more. DH and BM were together for 1 year in high school and broke up with SS was 3 months old which was almost 13 years ago. She has other children with her boyfriend and she still can't get past the hate toward DH. Trust me, if she were to say no, it would not be b/c she had other plans, it would be b/c she could not stand the thought of SS doing something with us instead of her that was fun. In a perfect world we would have the extra money and this would have fallen on our extended time, but I just don't see it working.

If it were me I would either give up the tickets or use a credit card or personal loan to buy the extra tickets. For what sounds like a trip of a lifetime I would be willing to pay the extra $1500 or whatever it may be. In the grand scheme of things $1500 is worth sparing SS's feelings.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

I didn't read all the responses but here's my 0.02...

I feel like this is an "all or nothing" situation. Either you make it so that the entire family goes, or no one gets to go. However, if you are able to come up with the money for everyone to go and BM won't allow you the extra days with SS, then I feel it's ok to go without him. But to deliberately exclude him is not ok.

Ilumine · September 2013

Eh, I would go, but ONLY because SS has been on a cruise with his mother and did not seem to mind that his siblings (be it step or half) did not get to go. The precedent has been set.

Life is not equal. In most cases it is not fair.

YOU have also set the precedent of providing wonderful memories and activities in the past. It is not as if you have been purposefully excluding him from family moments all his life.

My intact family did cruises and caribbean vacations without me, then without me and my sister because they were able to get deals on times that did not coincide with my/our ability to go. I do not resent them for taking the opportunities presented to them.

MommyEllenSue · September 2013

If there is no way to make it work to take SS then I would turn down the whole trip. To me it's an all go or nobody goes kind of situation.

EarthandFire · September 2013

My first thought is ask BM if its a possibility. Don't tell her you are going but say you might be and could you take SS if you did? If she says no, you're done. Go w/o him because BM wouldn't agree. Not your fault. If she says yes then you're going to have to decide. Right now you're trying to plan on what if's.

We didn't do large trips 5 and younger because I honestly don't remember any big trips we took under 5 in my youth and I know we did trips. In our house, I'd probably leave the youngest with a relative and take the older two. Little ones get tired walking, they have different wants/needs for activities than the older two who are closer in age and really may have as much fun with grandma. My younger siblings went on multiple cruises with my mother after I was out of the house. I never got to go. There will be trips with your youngest the older two won't go on. If you take DD5 on a cruise at 14 after the older two are out of the house you'll make up for missing this one and she may get more out of it.

dannie2011 · September 2013

I would go without SS. I know I don't have step kids but I don't always take my bio kids everywhere. We went to Canada for 3 weeks and only took 2 of the kids. It's not the end of the world your SS has been on a cruise before, it's not like it's a once in a lifetime thing.

Heck leave your husband at home if the guilt would kill you :P

blush64 · September 2013

I think it would be hurtful and wrong to go without him. Would you consider bringing him and leaving one of your own at home? He is not 17 or 18 where he might be old enough and mature enough not to mind so much. He's only 12 and not far off in age from a step sibling who would get to go. It would look like he wasn't as part of the family as everyone else.

Edit Not mentioning it would be wrong and make it look even worse. I don't think it should matter that the boy went on a cruise with his mother, that has nothing to do with you or your husband or your vacation plans. It seems like just a lot of excuses as to why it should be fine to leave him home and go on a cruise with your kids. PP all have different ideas and opinions, I just can't agree that it's ok to leave him.

emikat · September 2013

Ilumine said:

Eh, I would go, but ONLY because SS has been on a cruise with his mother and did not seem to mind that his siblings (be it step or half) did not get to go. The precedent has been set.

Life is not equal. In most cases it is not fair.

YOU have also set the precedent of providing wonderful memories and activities in the past. It is not as if you have been purposefully excluding him from family moments all his life.

My intact family did cruises and caribbean vacations without me, then without me and my sister because they were able to get deals on times that did not coincide with my/our ability to go. I do not resent them for taking the opportunities presented to them.

This. Life isn't equal and fair all the time. My SS gets to go on trips with his BM that my son won't participate in. We can't always plan for including everyone in everything. I would be honest with him though.

twister22 · September 2013

Another thought - is it possible for DH to take just SS on a special trip at a later date? It doesn't have to be extravagant, just memorable. My intact family growing up (BD, BM, DS1, DD, DS2) did vacations all together as well as special trips where not everyone went; i.e. BD&me, BD&BM&DS2, BM&DS1, BD&DS2, etc. And we all turned out to be happy, well adjusted kids.

"Fair isn't always equal."

+just+j+ · September 2013

If you can not afford the extra to take SS, don't go.

Wahoo · September 2013

If you cannot afford to bring SS, then take your 2DDs and call it a girls trip and leave your DH at home. I could not imagine going on vacation when my own child was excluded. It's not as if you would consider leaving your DC5 at home if BM allowed the trip. I think pointing out that SS goes on trips with BM without his stepsisters is BS. A) He has ZERO control over those trips.

His stepsisters are not part of the family he has with BM. He IS a pert of the family in your house, but leaving him behind says "you are less than a part of this family." If there was a history in your house of some kids (SS, DD10) splitting up and doing things I would say i it is similar, but its not.

ambrvan · September 2013

I already the be in the minority and maybe it is because we have SD almost all of the time and maybe because being so thoroughly excluded even as an adult from my mom's blended family hurts so much....

But this would not even be a question for me. I would NEVER consider going on a cruise or other major trip without all of my children. Maybe a trip to see my family or possibly even a local camping trip... ok. But a cruise?

And honestly, what kids is going to seem bothered that he got to go do something fun whether or not his siblings - step or half - for to go? But what kids would not feel slighted if they were the one left behind by their biological parent. Your kids (with your H or not) are not likely to feel anything more than classmate jealousy if SS went on vacation with his mom because they do not have a biological parent in that household. However, if you go through with this, your SS will likely view it as his dad going vacation with other kids and leaving him behind.

And if things are not good with BM and she is trying to drive a wedge between them, you say, then by all means give her the final hammer stroke.

emikat · September 2013

I can't figure out how to edit my previous post on this new format. I was going to edit to add that I just realized you probably have 50/50 custody. I was speaking from my situation in that we have a visitation schedule where things might happen all year long and it might not be possible to schedule things all the time when a SC is there. That might still not be a popular decision here, but it's the truth. You can't hold off on everything when the timeframes and schedules are limited. Unfortunately, we don't all that the flexibility in our schedules for that and I wouldn't hold back on opportunities for the rest of my family that might occur outside that timeframe. I think that if you have 50/50 then by all means try and make it happen for him. That is a completely different situation and I think he would feel left out. And agree with letting BM be the one to give the final hammer stroke if she's being unreasonable.

Lavender P · September 2013

We take little trips to visit our family and friends without SS. We always try to do things on weekends we have him, but it doesn't always work out with schedules and BM usually won't switch with us. SS is 10 years older then DS and I know that sometime in the future he won't want to take trips with us when they are not age appropriate for him. However, we will still ask him because being left out of a family vacation is really shitty. My DH's BD has gone away with his other to bio kids and SM, and didn't ask DH. Even as a grown up, it hurts. I think you should at least try to work it out so SS can go. Ask his BM and if she says no, you can go on the vacation with a clear conscience.

JessH1474 · September 2013

Thank you for all the replies, I really do value your opinions. I talked to my boss about the situation yesterday afternoon and he said he would take care of the extra cost for us in place of my Christmas bonus this year so the money part of it is settled! DH is going to email BM and ask her if it would be ok to switch and tell her he will take care of making sure it's ok with SS's teachers if he misses those two days of school. I really hope she agrees but we will see.

cole2144 · September 2013

You have an awesome boss! Now know matter what BM decides, you can go and enjoy yourself, knowing you did all you could.

ambrvan · September 2013

Wow that is amazing!

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