XP: If your parents/in-laws live far away...

gibbonlove · September 2013

I don't post often, but I need some help with this one.

My first question is, if your little one's grandparents live far away (3+ hours), how often do you:

1. Call

2. Skype

3. Visit

4. Have them visit

I'm going through a situation with my parents and grandparents where they do not understand the demanding nature of the working parent's job. We spent thousands of dollars last year visiting all sides of the family/friends, and then having both sets of LO's grandparents and his great-grandparents out around the holidays. When it came to this year, we were very clear that we were going to be taking our own vacations, and that we needed a break from the stress of travelling/hosting guests. We needed time for ourselves, as a family of three, since we have very little time together during the week and weekend.

Any thoughts on this, from your own experience or perspective, is much appreciated!

adadrian910 · September 2013

We have the same issue. We live in IN, my parents are in FL (the rest of my family is in MI), in laws live in Ohio...we aren't close with them for multiple reasons. We try to go to Florida at least once a year and then my parents will come visit for a couple days about 3-4 times a year. We Face Time on the ipad maybe once a week with my parents. We talk on the phone a couple times a week. We are getting ready to move out of IN in a couple months, unsure of where at this time,so this all may change. Our other vacations during the year are just the three of us as a family. My parents also alternate Christmas between us and my sister. This year they come to us for Christmas. We don't do holidays with my husbands family (his choice) so it's one less thing we have to worry about. Thanksgiving is just us at our house, unless people ask to come spend it with us. It can be tough, half the reason why we don't do holidays with my husbands family. They didn't get the point that we are married and have a family of our own and we both have jobs and don't get to sped much time together as a family of three as it is. They never gave up the pestering about it to this day so my husband put his foot down. Hope that helps. Good luck!

blu-eyedwife · September 2013

My mom lives a little over an hour away, but DH's mom is farther so I'll use her.

1. Call Every Day.

2. Skype Every Sunday.

3. Visit 3 times a year.

4. Have them visit Twice a year.

Cherryblossoms07 · September 2013

My parents and the ILs all live at least 16 hours away. There is a stark difference between my family and the ILs because my family is a little closer knit than the ILs.

1. Call - I call my parents at least once a week. DH talks to his parents once or twice a year.

2. Skype - We don't. I have a family blog that I post pictures to often to keep the grandparents up to date. I also send pictures via e-mail when there is a big event - birthday, first day of preschool, etc.

3. Visit - I usually return home once a year for a couple of weeks during one of DH's work trips. My kids have never visited their other grandparent's house.

4. Have them visit - My parents stop by to visit probably 4-5 times a year. They go out of their way to visit and stay in touch. ILs have stopped to visit twice since our first child was born.

I should note that we don't travel for the holidays. DH decided when DD was born that holidays were going to be spent as a family in our home, making our own traditions. I agree, since it was a lot of stress traveling over the holidays with just the two of us. Family can visit, but we don't travel.

allardr · September 2013

Both grandparents live on the east coast and we're currently in Iowa so way far away. We skype every week, it's like Saturday mornings I skype with my family and Sunday mornings DH with his. My parents really appreciate this. As for travel I made it real clear that every other year we'd travel to see each. So for example this year we traveled to NH to see my parents and next year we're going to meet the in-laws in Myrtle Beach for a vacation with all of us. (We like the two in one, see the family but also a vacation). Their plan is then to come to us on the "off" year. So since we traveled to my family this year, the in-laws came to us. So theoretically each family would get to see us once a year.

Now LO is the first grandchild so sometimes they make extra trips to see us which I'm fine with, but we can't afford to travel to them any more frequently with this. So far everyone seems fine with the plan. I think it helped that we put this plan out there early on so realistic expectations were set. GL!

JENandJEH · September 2013

My parents and ILs live 10 hours away.

1. Call My parents - daily. ILs - twice a month maybe

2. Skype My parents - as often as possible...sometimes multiple times a week but we have a 5-year old who loves his MeMe and Pops ILs- never, they don't have the ability to Skype

3. Visit twice a year

4. Have them visit My parents - twice a year ILs - once a year

DH is in the military so we don't get to take leave at random times...usually 2 weeks for summer break and 2 weeks for Christmas. We do travel to visit home during that time because I want my kids to have memories of holidays with their grandparents...my parents have elderly parents still living so them traveling to us for holidays would leave my grandparents all alone for the holidays (that thought breaks my heard) and my ILs have 4 other kids and other grandkids who they spend holidays with. I want to spend the holidays with family because you just never know when they won't be around for the next holiday...I tend to be sappy and over emotional about things like that though.

We use 4-day weekends for shorter vacations with just us 4 and every 5 years, DH and I take a big adult-only vacation for our anniversary. For now, we're within a reasonable driving distance but we'll be moving to Kansas next year which will push it to a 16 hour drive. We likely will only go home for the holidays since we'll likely fly. Bottom line, I try to do everything in my power to go visit or have them visit us. It is super important to me for my kids to know their grandparents and have great relationships with them even though we're not fortunate enough to live close by. Their grandparents won't be around forever and I try to put myself in their shoes (which I hope to be one day) and hope that my children will allow us to visit and do everything in their power to visit with us.

unaveragejane · September 2013

With my parents:

1. Call: Once a week

2. Skype: Never (I email them video clips and photos)

3. Visit: 4-6x (spring, summer, Oct. family reunion, Thanksgiving, sometime after Christmas)

4. Have them visit Mom is welcome any time. She has come up 3x. They can't both be away from the farm at the same time, so Dad never comes.

My MIL lives only an hour away. She came to see DS once when he was little bitty. Otherwise, she depends on seeing him at DH's family functions.

baloneydisc · September 2013

We live in CO, MIL lives in FL (my family is local). We talk once a week or so. We do not Skype, I text and post pictures and videos to FaceBook. We have not been back to FL in 13 years, though we do plan to go visit soon (BIL just had heart surgery). Since DD was born MIL has been here 4 times. I know she plans on visiting as often as they can afford, probably at least twice a year.

cedenton · September 2013

Mine all live 6+ hrs away. I talk to them frequently on the phone. My mom doesn't really do video stuff. I can't imagine trying to figure that out on her side. My inlaws sometimes Facetime, but seem to always forget that he goes to bed by 7ish.

My MIL would love to be here all the time, but has health problems and it's hard for her to spend a lot of time in the car (bad back). We'll see them next week and BOTH of them are coming up in a month to watch LO while DH and I go to Puerto Rico to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. My mom flies up here about once every 3 months or so.

We'll be visiting my family around Christmastime this year.

preggersin2011 · September 2013

gibbonlove said:

1. Call- LO and I have a 15 min ride home. I swap between my mother/grandma/sister over the bluetooth speaker. She talks to someone at least once a day since around 15 months
2. Skype- once a week or every other week i find it easy to set up the laptop at dinner
3. Visit- for the drivable family every 3 months? for grams i fly once a year
4. Have them visit- grams flew in when LO was born, i dont expect her to again. Random weekends between our plans and visiting car trips my mom/sister will come visit

Natty13umppo · September 2013

My parents live about 9 hours (driving) away; My ILs live about 3.5 hours away.

1. Call - I call my parents at least once a week on average - but it varies - sometimes it is several times a week, sometimes it's closer to two weeks before we talk - just depends what's going on; DH has a standing Sunday night phone call with his parents. But DD rarely talks to the grandparents on the phone.

2. Skype - Rarely. Less than once a month?

3. Visit - we been averaging once a year to each grandparents' house

4. Have them visit - the ILs are here on what seems to average once a month - on their invitation, not ours (they just announce they are coming - they usually stay with DH's sister or at a hotel though next time they are staying with us). DH and his sister (so all their children and all their grandchildren) live here and they are retired so they show up whenever they damn well please. I would prefer much less frequent visits but as I said, if they aren't staying with us, I don't know how to slow it down (and DH is kind of too much of a good son to not see them if they are in town - though if we legitimately have stuff going on, he lets them know)

But to the OPs point - with DH's work schedule, he gets to see DD maybe two hours a day during the week and weekends are kind of precious. If the grandparents are taking up a full weekend every month, I don't know, maybe I'm in the minority (or maybe it's because I just don't get along with my ILs or think they are a great influence on DD), I think it's a lot.

My parents come to visit maybe 2 to 3 times a year. Honestly, I'm fine with that and I think I'm close with my family and enjoy spending time with them! I wish visits from DH's family were limited to 3 times a year.

Re: Vacation - vacation is pretty important to me. DH's parents keep having all these grand ideas of vacation we'll go on together and i'm like no way. (I think DH agrees.) I know things are different now, but DH didn't go on vacation with his grandparents and I didn't go on vacation with my grandparents so I just want vacation time to be us. There may be exceptions for certain trips, but no way in hell will traveling with the grandparents be a regular occurrence.

vintagejjane · September 2013

We live 1,000 miles from our family so we try to get communication with all of our parents as much as possible.

1. I call my mom every day. IL's aren't phone people, but my MIL and I text regularly.

2. I Skype my grandparents every day (Because I enjoy talking to them.) My parents twice a week, IL's once every 2 weeks.

3. We just moved to Texas we plan on going back twice a year

4. My parents will come twice a year, MIL twice a year, FIL probably once a year

I honestly talk with my family so much, it doesn't feel like I am that far away. I do miss my nephews and I know DD does too, but we stay in constant contact.

BP607 · September 2013

I live only a few minutes from my parents, so we see a lot of them but for my IL:

1. DH and DS talk with them on FaceTime on Sunday evenings - I usually make supper and get things ready for the week during this time, this is the only time he talks with his parents during the week.

2. Same as #1

3. We usually visit at Thanksgiving

4. They visit us once a year

NatesLady1309 · September 2013

I will answer for my parents since we have a good relationship with them. The answer for all for them for DH's parents would be very rarely or never.

1. depends on how busy each of us are, sometimes it's multiple times a week other times it's a couple of times a month or less

2. never. they don't get technology. it's really sad because I'd love for them to see DD more

3. We have not gone to see them as a couple in a few years, and I last went when I was pregnant with DD. This is not because we don't want to see them there but things like DH's time off and how it would work with DD while we would be there have been issues.

4. They come to see us two or three times a year.

Jenny952 · September 2013

My family is about 500 miles away so for them I:

1. Call - about once a week

2. Skype - once a week, usually on the weekends for about an hour

3. Visit - I go there 2-3 times a year

4. Have them visit - my mom comes almost monthly, my dad will come with maybe every other time. My sister is still in college so she comes up with my mom maybe 2 times a year, and my brothers and their families have come a few times.

Before my DD was born, we alternated spending holidays here vs. with my family. DD was born just before Thanksgiving so we did not visit that year, and then last year she had a surgery around Thanksgiving and we had to cancel our trip back to my hometown. This year we are planning on going there for Christmas. We'll try to do every other holiday going forward, for at least as long as we can.

My DH's parents both live here in town, but it's been more stressful trying to figure out how to plan vacations, holidays, events, etc. between them because they are divorced and amicable at best with each other. We also have to balance his parents' expectations of spending time with us because they live here and want to see us a lot. We have to be protective of our time b/c we are both working, we occasionally travel and have busy lives. We have to first figure out what WE want to do and then let his/our parents know our plans and whether they are included in those.

You need to be clear with your expectations for having visitors or visiting and stick to it. It's tough but you 3 are your main family now and it's up to the 3 of you to decide how you will spend your time with extended family.

Netty_3 · September 2013

We live around 7 hours away and see go there 3-4 times per year and each set probably come out twice each. I hardly call my parents my mom isn't much of a conversationalist and my dad's Parkinson's makes the phone frustrating for him. Dh talks to his once a week. I want my parents to learn how to Skype I think it would be great.

allardr · September 2013

can I just say Skype is like amazing! my DD has only seen her Nana & grampy 3 times in her life (5wks, 6months, 1year) but when I say let's call Nana she races over to the computer. If I show her pictures, she can point out Nana. She definitely recognizes them and I know it means a lot to my parents! she even plays peek-a-boo with nana sometimes over the computer.

ns1 · September 2013

I'll do this for my parents, who are 6 hours away. (FIL is also 6 hours away, and MIL is 8 hours away)

How often do you...
1. Call - 1 X / week

2. Skype - 1 X / month

3. Visit - 2-3 X / year

4. Have them visit - 4 X / year

I understand your situation! I feel like we never see family enough, but we are so busy with a toddler and work (both of us work full-time). I would love to be closer, but we're settled where we are with good jobs and the job market where my parents are just wouldn't work for us.

I agree that it's important to see family, but I think it's also good to have vacation time where you're not rushing around to pack and actually get to spend some time relaxing as your own family unit. We have rarely done this and are feeling the need for it as well. This is the first year we are staying home for the holidays, and I'm looking forward to not running around and having DD wake up in her own home on Christmas morning.

alake · September 2013

We are in Florida. Parents/ IL are in Alberta, Canada.
We go home often. For quite a while it was every four to six weeks. My parents fly down every two or so months.
We spent the summer up in Canada at our summer cottage. The kids, my parents and DH flew home on August 24th. I stayed for a funeral, and arrived home late that Tuesday night. We won't be back to Canada until Halloween now (we are flying home on Halloween)
My IL have never made the trip to see the kids. We don't get to visit them often, though they live in the same town as my parents. They live in a tiny apartment, in a seniors apartment building. Five kids under seven and a half is way to much for them. They are not that old, but they don't drive. If I want to meet them somewhere, I need to do all the driving. I make the time when DH is up with me, but if not, we do call. My DH is adopted. These are his adopted parents.
We are fairly close with his biological family (except his mom) They live in Ireland. We have been over to see them, once and they are frequently in Florida. We are flying from Canada to Ireland in November to see them.
We are big on facetime. We usually do it every other day. I talk on the phone with my mom usually once a day.

emberlee3 · September 2013

ILs live 3-4 hours away by plane. They visit about 3 times per year. Since DD was born, they have stayed in a hotel instead of staying with us. It's wonderful. They know they are welcome any time. DH talks to them a couple times per week. We never Skype. We have not visited them yet with DD, but took DS to visit them when I was pregnant. We will probably either visit or do a vacation with them next year. Their house is not very baby-friendly, so it is better if we wait until DD is a little older.

kderham · September 2013

Both my parents and in-laws live 10 hours away (two states over).

I don't call ever - we only ever Skype because DS is too young to talk on the phone.

I Skype weekly with my parents and we Skype about twice a month with my in-laws (that relationship is a bit more challenging).

Visit: Honestly, we would prefer to visit once every two years. We get limited vacation days and don't really want to spend them all where we grew up (and intentionally don't live).

Our parents tend to visit about once or twice a year. The visiting doesn't bother because I make it very clear when they announce a visit that we cannot take off work the whole time but will do what we can while they are out.

I know this all sounds really cold but the fact of the matter is we need to maintain our sanity and our finances. And we both feel that it is more important to work on our relationship with your kids than our parents have a great relationship with our kids.

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