How much is too much?

hcbrowne · September 2013

I have a great MIL but she can be overbearing in certain ways. She has a great job and PLENTY of resources to shop as often as much she wants to--she is also a really big gift giver and this is her way of "showing love." I get that, or I've had to accept it. It has always made me uncomfortable and feel really awkward (b/c the gifts are over the top). I know it seems like a crazy thing to complain about and I sound ridiculous. My main issues though is that she is starting to really spoil my son with gifts. I understand he is too young to really understand this but I worry about setting a precedent for the future.

For example (and the reason I'm concerned) she had told us she was sending us some gifts for DS's 1st birthday (she is also flying out for the party) that she had gotten--she sent us the links to the order forms, etc. so we knew what she was sending and when it was coming in. Cool, I appreciate it...it seemed a bit much to me, but I've come to just accept these things. So I start getting the packages she says shes sending and then we get one that wasn't on the "list" I open it up thinking it was from someone else (nope) and it is FILLED with books and toys. I mean...that is great, and we feel loved and we truly appreciate her but where should the line be drawn?! I know my husband is used to this kind of gift giving but when it comes to our son I feel differently. I don't want my son to feel deprived and want him to have special gifts and to have things. I just don't want him to expect an excess of things at his disposal.

I don't want to just come out and say: stop, b/c I know this is how she shows love and I think if I put my foot down she'd feel rejected. I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't even know what to say to her about receiving these gifts---I think she knows she was a little sneaky about it. Again I know maybe I sound douchy. To me its like whoooa inappropriate, but other ppl may see it differently.

pb_bride · September 2013

I don't have this problem, but I can see why you are concerned and where you are coming from. I'm not sure what you can do about this really without hurting your MIL's feelings. IF you think she is amenable to suggestions, can you ask her to not send that many gifts. IMHO, books are okay though. Will she be agreeable to contributing to a education fund for your LO with the $ she spent, instead of toys? If you can get her to see that toys have a short lifespan whereas books and/or educational fund are much more useful in the long run, perhaps she will change somewhat?

hcbrowne · September 2013

Oh I totally agree about the books. I'd actually made a wishlist (per her suggestion) and it was like 95% books. I was happy about the books and I have no problem with that. I suggested to my husband that maybe in the future we can ask her to put a certain percentage toward a savings fund for DS but I have a feeling she'd just do both. So maybe we can just return things and put the money in his savings--but again I feel like somehow that would turn out badly. lol EH. I know its a *great* problem to have I'm just worried about how this will end up down the road.

candr09 · September 2013

Like PP said, books are NBD in my opinion. Send as much of them as you want! But toys and clothes, I just say we don't have room for. And that's not untrue. I also go with "we already have something very similar". I think my MIL has realized that I don't really like accepting gifts from her so she's calmed it down a lot.
GL

spinsoffresonance · September 2013

I have the same problem with my MIL. She will not stop buying DD clothes. DD has more clothes than DH and I combined and that's not even counting clothes she's outgrown. She will outgrow a size before even having worn half her clothes. She had 6 4th of July outfits and now has about a dozen thanksgiving onesies. She has some of the same outfits in every size and multiple of the same outfit in the same size! DH and I keep telling MIL to not buy so much, that it's wasteful. We also suggested putting the money in DD's college fund instead but she won't stop. She says she doesn't care if DD doesn't wear everything that it's her pleasure to buy her clothes. Did I mention we only have 1 closet in our entire condo and DD's room is 7'x9'. I don't even know what to do with all this stuff anymore and the boxes keep coming. If you find a way to put a stop to the madness let me know how because this is insane!

candr09 · September 2013

I'm not above returning things. I used to think it was rude. But if you continue to buy things I've already told you we don't need or don't have room for or don't have a use for, it's getting returned.

JJ_13 · September 2013

I have this problem with my own mother. Maybe this is passive of me, but I plan to just chalk it up to grandma-spoiling and try to teach my child the difference between gifts from grandma (which may be excessive in number) and gifts in our own little family. I dunno. Maybe I'll change the way I feel down the road. Barring the college fund and books-only suggestions, I'm not sure what else you can do.

hcbrowne · September 2013

Nicb13 said:

I honestly don't see what the problem is and I'm not putting you down or anything...just think differently about it I guess.
It's your job as a parent to teach him about life, being humble, a good person, generous, etc so being spoiled by a grandparent as a baby does NOT mean he has to be a spoiled brat the rest of his life.
Enjoy the gifts

I can understand this point of view and a part of me feels this way as well but then there is another part of me that feels uncomfortable. In fact I just received another box of toys today and I have a feeling it wont be the last one. I'm thinking about saving some to wrap for Christmas.

hcbrowne · September 2013

lica001 said:

I have the same problem with my MIL. She will not stop buying DD clothes. DD has more clothes than DH and I combined and that's not even counting clothes she's outgrown. She will outgrow a size before even having worn half her clothes. She had 6 4th of July outfits and now has about a dozen thanksgiving onesies. She has some of the same outfits in every size and multiple of the same outfit in the same size! DH and I keep telling MIL to not buy so much, that it's wasteful. We also suggested putting the money in DD's college fund instead but she won't stop. She says she doesn't care if DD doesn't wear everything that it's her pleasure to buy her clothes. Did I mention we only have 1 closet in our entire condo and DD's room is 7'x9'. I don't even know what to do with all this stuff anymore and the boxes keep coming. If you find a way to put a stop to the madness let me know how because this is insane!

We have the same issues with clothes though it has gotten a little better. I am just hoping we have another boy!

[Deleted User] · September 2013

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smileybabyboy · September 2013

Maybe if you have accumulated a lot of stuff, ask her if it's ok if you donate some of it it since you appreciate it all, but don't have the room to store it. If you mention you would rather donate the stuff than keep it, maybe she will get the hint?

jennygirlmt · September 2013

If it helps, my grandma and aunt (who never married or had kids) spoiled us like mad. My parents made us share everything-toys, fries, etc. We were able to separate the gift giving practices of my gram and Aunt from everyone else and it was no big deal.

We are extremely gracious.

My Aunt still buys me lots of things because its how she shows us love and in return I send her notes and DDs artwork bc that's how she feels love

courtneycelasun · September 2013

My MIL lives very, very far away (thankfully!) so we don't have to deal with this issue ourselves but I would imagine her distance might drive some of the gifts your way as a way to compensate for lost time. My mom lives 4 minutes away from us so sees our ds almost daily so she spoils him with attention and the occasional toy or two. I would suggest trying to stagger the toys throughout the year. We rotate the toys we have for our lo throughout the house and into storage monthly so he is always interested- just randomly throw things into plastic bins and store away till later. I find if he has too many toys to play with at one time he gets bored with them quicker and the mess just drives me nuts. If she is coming to visit just try to make sure several of her toys are visible so she doesn't get her feelings hurt. Good luck- kinda a lose/lose situation most likely so make the most of it

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