WDYD about constantly negative reports from school?

MirandaHobbes · September 2013

DS is having a rough transition to kindy. He is refusing to do work, disrupting the class, and acting out. His ASD teacher gives me daily, detailed reports. But we're at the point where it's been nothing but negative reports for over a week, and in each one she asks "if you have any advice for us, we'd really appreciate it." I'm basically out of advice. I've thrown everything I've got at it. Reward charts, social stories, time outs, sensory breaks. I've made a point to respond to each one. Yesterday's report was especially bad, so we told DS he lost his Ipad/TV privileges. We had warned him in advance that negative reports will result in loss of privileges. Is this the only way? This doesn't feel right to me. DS is getting very depressed about the whole thing and the constant negativity. Last night he said he was going to have bad dreams about it. I feel like his teacher wants me to contribute something, but I don't know what. To be fair, his mainstream teacher emailed me saying we just need to be positive with him, and work towards building his confidence. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. Any advice, SN parents? How do you deal with negative behavior at school? How should I respond to the ASD teacher who constantly sends these negative reports?

bumpuser511563 · September 2013

This has been us with the negative reports from preschool. I even got some calls from the teacher. The teacher is new to being the autism teacher. It has only been a month since school has started.

DS has bitten at school at least once a week and the reports do not even say what was happening. I just know he bites to avoid things or to get out of things.

There is only so much you can advise on your own child. I did that last year and the teacher still could not handle DS. It was very stressful because I was also getting it from the old daycare, too.

There isn't much I can do to reinforce and tell DS not to bite 6 hours after the incident occurred when he was at school. Pretty much the teacher needs to handle the bad behavior at school. All you can do is handle the bad behaviors at home.

It took me a whole school year and a new daycare to realize this is not my fault that DS had bad behaviors at school when I was not around. Dh is on board and it took him this long to realize this, too.

lite-bright · September 2013

I'd ask for a meeting. Depending on whether you feel you have the right supports in place, either asking for a casual meeting or an official re-open of his IEP. Something is going badly and it needs to be addressed ASAP so he can start feeling positive about school again. Maybe it's time to push for an aide at least temporarily, or bring in perspective from a private therapist who could observe for a day and offer advice. Or at least get both his mainstream teacher, ASD teacher and you in on a discussion so you're all on the same page with a strategy.

Big, big hugs. We had an extended period of negative reports from the summer program we tried a year ago, and there were times I just bawled over it. It was not a great fit as far as an activity (way too much free play, staff had no clue on SN) but I didn't realize that until we were well into it. One woman in particular was always the bearer of bad news, and I felt a lot of pressure because I was worried that they were laying the groundwork to kick her out, and the suggestions that I gave them didn't seem to be working.

I asked our private SLP/Floortime therapist to come and observe DD1 for a day and help us help her, and although the staff was kind of nervous about her being there, it ended up being a really good thing with helpful tips coming out of it. Plus I felt like it was important for me to address things proactively (and for them to *see* me actively trying to get them help) rather than just pulling her (obviously not an answer when you're talking about kindergarten!) or throwing up my hands. We made it through the rest of the program, but it was a hard lesson and an important one for me, I think, in terms of digging in and dealing with a problem.

His teacher is asking for help. You *want* to help her help your DS. You want to help him to feel positive about school & behave better. In my case, I kind of had to accept/get past feeling hurt and embarrassed that my child was a "problem child" and focus on how to help her teacher, even if I didn't particularly like her and thought her lack of training was part of the problem. It was about figuring out what worked for her in dealing with DD1, not me; which is kind of meta, but it was really about getting her the tools she needed and that DD1 needed her to have, since I was never going to be on the spot to help them both out.

If you don't have any more ideas, be the one who brings other people in who might have ideas, or additional resources/support. Show his teachers that you're putting in the effort to help figure this out -- that alone will help to some extent, I think, because they'll feel supported.

IMO, consequences at home for behavior at school aren't particularly effective at this age -- I'm pretty sure my DD1 just wouldn't think about them in the moment at school, and by the time the consequence comes after school, she can't do anything to correct what she's already done that day until tomorrow, when she might not be able to truly connect the behavior with the consequence in the moment, again. That's a bad cycle when a kid needs extra help on the spot with curbing an impulse, and delayed consequences just feel like heaping on negativity instead of motivation.

Good luck, I hope things improve soon.

funchicken · September 2013

I'm sorry he's struggling right now. I was wondering if there was a trusted professional who could observe the class, too. And have you talked to the mainstream teacher about the reports you're getting from the ASD teacher?

Your DS saying he's going to have bad dreams about school makes me want to cry

Last week DD had a rough day and had to have a "behavior conference" with the teacher. Her teacher is not forthcoming at all, but DD told me that she got in trouble, and she was really worried that the teacher didn't like her. She kept talking about it for the rest of the day, and I've really been trying to emphasize with her that the next day is a fresh start and learning the rules takes time for everyone. DD2s preschool teacher actually recommended not talking about school too much at home while the kids are still adjusting, so I've been following that advice with DD1.

Can you reassure your DS that you know he's having a hard time right now and the grown ups are going to try to see what they can do to help? Try leaving the school stuff at school and just go about your normal home routine while you and his team work on a school plan? Hang in there, mama--you're doing everything you can.

MirandaHobbes · September 2013

Thank you all for your kind, encouraging words!! I told my DH last night that I/we need to eat some humble pie and just suck up and keep reaching out to his teachers no matter what. Personality-wise, we don't click, but I resolved that I won't give them any reason NOT to like me. So, I'll forge on and "kill them with kindness" even when I'd rather kick them in the shins.

I did go ahead and request a formal FBA to put a BIP in place. And requested either a conference or an opening of his IEP. So, that alone makes me feel like at least I'm trying to help! And DH and I spoke on the phone and agreed we're immediately pulling our at-home discipline regime for at-school behavior. The poor kid is going to get a complex if we keep that up.

Thanks again!!

KelleyBean · September 2013

The other ladies have given some great advice so I don't have much to add. DS has just started the ECSE program and the start has been a bit bumpy. Transitions are his weakest point and they are pushing him on them. It's hard for him and he acts out sometimes. We talk about it a little bit at home (it's important to listen and follow directions from your teacher) but always try to keep the conversation positive because he was so initially concerned about school. No punishments at home for school infractions because he really needs it to be a safe place to let his hair down. Hang in there....I know this can be really tough but it sounds like you have a good plan in place.

august06mom · September 2013

I don't know if this will help, but I just wanted to say that DS1, my NT kid, had a very rough transition in kindy -- and he had gone to full day daycare before that. The expectation of good behavior all the time can be really hard for a lot of kids. Now, I'm really not saying that to trivialize what your DS is going through or saying it to mean that he won't need extra support. But I remember being so frustrated and things did settle down a bit by the end of Oct. We went through something similar in 1st grade too.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in the beginning of kindy frustration. I hope your DS gets what he needs to help him soon.

Stillharbor · September 2013

Yes, you are getting negative reports, but the teacher is also asking for your help. Let her know what your reactions/ consequences at home are for misbehaviors. She can use your guidelines that LO is used to and carry it over in class. If it's possible, sitting the class to observe for several days to a week is ideal. I know it would be a hardship for your if you're working. But being in the class, if LO started to misbehave you could help remind him what the classroom rules are. OH! And check on the teacher routine. When kids know the routine they are more comfortable with what is expected of them.

Mkherren12 · September 2013

This is a constant struggle for my dd. For us it's about her knowing that EVERYONE is one the same page and doing things the same way. She is very stubborn and teacher, me and Dh, grandparents etc all deal with her behavior is very similar if not the same way. Major offenses are the same for each of us. Consequences are the same. The consistency is key for her. If she is around someone new I can bet she will pull out all her tricks and try to get away with everything. I agree with pp about teacher meeting and set up a system with both of you on the same page. We have consequences for bad behavior at school. Just like I would if my daughter wasn't special needs. She knows those and we strictly enforce them. We also have rewards for good days. I think this helps. Hope you find a way that works.

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