Mother and MIL Tradition?

Jamersonn · September 2013

My mom called me this morning and told me my MIL had sent her a message on FB stating that they are trying to plan to come out when the baby is born (my MIL lives out if state and my mom lives 20 minutes away). My mom then proceeds to tell me that she wants time wih jut me before my MIL comes and would prefer to have a couple days before she comes. She also tells me that this is he tradition. I don't mind when my MIL comes since this is also her grandchild and my DH's mother. When I told her I needed to talk to DH she said she would keep away when MIL is here. Ughhhh! Way to make things stressful mom. Is this normally the tradition? I've never heard of it and jut want this to be a joyous occasion where people don't have to stay away.

MrsCCParra · September 2013

My mom invited herself to stay with me because her mom did it for her and my 2 Aunts. I told her this "I'm not you or them, I am me. And i'm not comfortable with that. If I need help then I will ask" She didn't like it but she took the hint. She only lives 30 mins away and can be there quick if I need her. My MIL lives 20 mins away and i'm sure will come to the hospital and my house. But I will not be afraid to "dismiss" everyone if I'm feeling overwhelmed, need to nurse, tired or LO needs me.

I'm sorry she is making things stressful on you. Just make sure you know what you can and can't handle and be prepared to tell people, even family, to go home.

ETA: Sorry, I left something out. Also, don't be afraid to tell your mom that if you want certain people around, that's your decision, not hers. Main point: Do whatever feels right to you.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

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MsCrispy · September 2013

I don't think this is a tradition. They are both grandmothers and I don't think being the mother of the mother trumps being the mother of the father.

Now, personally, I would prefer if I only had to deal with one at a time. I'm guessing they are staying with you since they are both from out of town. If that is the case, I would use space as the excuse to coordinate when they come.

Does your mom and MIL not get along? I don't get why she will stay out of your MIL's way.

Jamersonn · September 2013

My MIL and FIL will be staying at a hotel to give us space. I love my MIL. She is just a fun and laid back person. She has been a stay at home mom and is the reincarnation of Martha Stewart. My mom is an attorney who never had time to really be at home and excel at cooking, cleaning, crafts, etc. they both get along but I feel there is some jealousy on my mom's part. I think she doesn't want to be "shown up" while helping with meals and whatnot after the baby is brought home (even though that's not MIl's intention).

Kfran84 · September 2013

My mom always pulls "traditional" when she is wrong. It's her default.

I think having your mom play the role you want her to play is the REAL tradition.

To OP, If your mom lives 20 minutes away, why can't she just come spend time with you any time? It's not like her planning requires a lot of precision.

If she wants to stay out of the way while your MIL is in town, I guess that's her prerogative, but unless she and MIL don't get along or something I don't see why she needs to stay away.

I'd tell her to come over whenever she wants for alone time and that it's really unnecessary to stay away while MIL is here, that you'd rather everyone just be together at that point.

jennifertewart · September 2013

I don't think it is a common tradition.... I would ask your MIL when they were thinking of coming. Maybe suggest after a few days so you and DH can get a handle on things. But since they are further away and you mom is 20 minuets away, she can visit whenever whereas they cannot.

dobrydney · September 2013

I think, as uncomfortable as it may be, you need to tell all parents involved what YOU (and DH) want. There is a lot of what they want in your OP, but it should really be about what is best for you and your little new family.

Jamersonn · September 2013

Thanks ladies. I hadn't heard of it as a tradition and wanted to check with other mamas to see if I was missing something. It is ultimately up to DH and myself. Looks like we'll be having a nice little conversation tonight.

mm&es · September 2013

Its definitely up to you--whatever you are comfortable with.

Another perspective on your mom's request--maybe your mother plans on "staying away" when MIL is there, so as not to take away MIL's time with the baby? My mother is local while my IL's are from out of town. When they come to visit, my mother always invites them over to dinner or something, but for the most part, doesn't come over and lets them be the grandparents during that time, since the IL's have much less time with the kids.

babymama619 · September 2013

I don't know if it's "tradition" but typically I think the mom of the mother comes first then the MIL afterwards. Usually I think they don't overlap because that;s too many cooks in the kitchen, KWIM? Also both grandmas typically like to have some alone time with mom, dad, and baby. I think your mom is just trying to be considerate by saying she'll stay away when MIL is in town. But I also see that her little girl is having a baby and she might want to be there immediately pp. Whether or not you want her there probably depends on your relationship.

barista411 · September 2013

I think it is just natural that a daughter wants her mom around at first. My parents lived in ton and were in the delivery room and waiting room and then MIL came a few hours later. My parents also pull the card that they want to give my ILs space and refuse to be around when my ILs are around. It drives me nuts why can't everyone just get along. May give your mom a little alone time. It doesn't have to be days but even a little time before ILs come and make it clear that everyone can be together or even order pizza or dinner the first night your ILs are there and invite your parents and have dinner all together so you can show your mom that your time doesn't have to be divided and everyone can spend time together.

Barbercharm · September 2013

I don't think it's necessarily a "tradition" (as in sets of governing rules), just something that is done.. But, I am of the mindset that mother of the new mama trumps mother of the husband.. I am much more comfortable with my own mom/dad than I am my ILs.. And I'm the one who has just squeezed a human from my insides.. And the one who is trying to figure out BFing.. If I need help/advice I'd much rather my mom help me than my MIL. That being said, my mom gets preference for visiting when LO is born. And my MIL can come once my mom leaves (both of our moms live 1800 miles away).

Kim22 · September 2013

I have never heard of this and as a mom of boys I hope my future DIL's don't always make me second to their moms. I would understand when it comes to things like being in the delivery room but otherwise I hope not to be left out.

heritten · September 2013

I love my MIL and am trying to decide if I want her to come stay with me before the baby gets here. My parents live 2 hours away, IL live halfway across the US. Both sets of soon to be grandparents are super excited as this is the first (and likely to be only) grandchild on both sides for quite a few years. My MIL actually stresses me out a lot less than my mom does (who constantly does things like call me fat, even though I only have gained 10 lbs so far) the only thing I don't want to think about is that MIL is very allergic to my fur babies and they are getting a new human sister. I still do not know how to handle the situation, I think I'm going to ignore it and hope it resolves itself (IL are planning to come for thanksgiving and my mom is not with so many relatives planning to visit her already). So if baby comes early, mom gets to see her first, if baby comes late, MIL gets to see her first, decision is out of my hands.

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