I'm Ready

NickiChick · September 2013

I think it's time for an introduction. DH and I are beginning our adoption journey after almost 2 years of infertility. DH (29) and myself (28) are diagnosed as "unexplained." I'm a control freak/planner, so this is BY FAR the hardest thing I have had to go through. I believe this journey has pushed me and my faith in many ways. I believe that God is in control and this struggle works for good and His glory. It's taken me a while to fully believe this, but I truly feel at peace.

Before deciding on adoption, we did 1 medicated cycle and 3 medicated IUI's. We signed up for IVF and were doing all the additional testing the month before when a friend of mine brought home her two boys from Haiti. Their homecoming made me really think about where my heart was. I made the decision to call off the impending cycle and spent the next two months in prayer. Those two months I experienced a wonderful sense of peace and knew it was time to move on.

We are choosing to pursue international adoption for several reasons. RIght now we are struggling with picking a country. I am leaning one direction and DH is leaning another. Any advice for figuring this out? The two countries are Nicaragua and Congo.

I look forward to getting to know and support you ladies. I know I will need support during the long road ahead!

Dr.Loretta · September 2013

Welcome. We have no experience with IA, but I'm sure you'll get some great advice from IA parents. Post often!

irismorning · September 2013

Welcome to the board!

maryoosa · September 2013

Welcome!

CaptainSerious · September 2013

Hello, and welcome.

Have you looked up the requirements for adopting from these two countries? Having been to Nicaragua, I had a feeling that their adoption process might be slow and tumultuous, so I looked it up, and unfortunately, it seems I was right.

My best advice to you is to not only consider where you want to adopt from, but what the process will be like. Yes, places like Nicaragua have an overwhelming need, but I assure you, there is need in every country that has an international adoption program, and it is no worse for a child in one country than it is for another.

The adoption process is extremely emotional, and has a way of putting one through the most gut wrenching highs and lows, repeatedly. Programs change and close all the time, due to international relations and national issues ranging from security and politics to economics and perception. It is in your best interest--and in the interest of the children you will adopt--to chose a program that will have the least upset and enable you to bring your child(ren) home as quickly and smoothly as possible.

That being said, I'd check out the information on the US Dept. of State's Adoption website (https://adoption.state.gov/) for any country you wish to adopt from, if you haven't already. It seems that neither country is a Hague participant, which means that you'll have to do a bit more research on your own to make sure that everything has been done ethically. According to that page, Nicaragua's program requires a 3-6 month in-country fostering period and is fraught with delays and changes. The Congo's program seems to be a bit more streamlined, but you'll definitely want to research what people are saying about how ethical their adoption practices are. The last thing you want is to be halfway through and have the country shut down it's program amid allegations of unethical practices.

If you have any other questions, I'll be happy to answer them as best I can. I know that this decision is scary and requires a huge leap of faith, but you'll work your way through it, I'm sure. Good luck!

sumati · September 2013

Welcome!

NickiChick · September 2013

Thanks for the warm welcome.

@CaptainSerious- We have spent some time looking into both countries and are aware of the 3 month fostering period in Nicaragua. We actually view this as a benefit as my husband works from home and only needs an internet connection. I would like to verify this with someone other than my adoption coordinator though!

It's my understanding that as soon as you accept a referral you travel right away to begin the fostering process. I think knowing your child's ethnic culture is important and having 3-6 months in country would be a great opportunity to learn and document that part of their story.

Nicaragua is not Hague but they are run by a DCS like group titled Mi Familia. They are very serious about protecting children which is part of the reason they require that fostering period. Compared to Congo, I feel much more confident ethically working with Nicaragua.

That being said, my husband is the one learning toward Nicaragua. My heart has always been in Africa! Although, Congo has the highest risk when looking at closure. There has been a lot of attention there regarding unethical practices. I have read about others hiring private investigators to verify orphan status. I need to read more into this if we choose Congo.

How did you know you wanted to adopt from Peru? I'm struggling with balancing my heart pull and knowledge of programs.

CaptainSerious · September 2013

When we started the process, a large part of our decision of where to adopt from was based on what culture we'd like to add to our family's heritage. My parents are from two very different cultures, and growing up, those cultures were very much a part of our lives. We went into adoption with the same notion, that we would make our children's heritage part of our family's daily lives. My husband and I are avid travelers, and we loved the parts of South America we'd been to (especially Chile), so we decided to start looking in Latin/South America for a program that would work for us. At the time, Chile didn't have a program, and the only two countries with programs to speak of were Guatemala and Peru. We had concerns about Guatemala (and it later shut down) and liked what we saw in Peru.

Although Peru had a comparatively small, slow program, they structured everything so that it was designed to meet the children's best interests. It was a slow, tumultuous process, and Peru doesn't like to send children to America (they much prefer European countries), but we made it through, twice.

While we were waiting for our first adoption, we visited Peru (we hadn't been there before), and traveled around the country for 3 weeks. Then, when we adopted M, we were there for 6 weeks. For J's adoption, we were there for just a month.

I am all for learning about a child's native country and culture, but please understand that when you are traveling for an adoption, it is a very different situation than any other, and is extremely stressful. You are adjusting to a foreign land, which is fun and adventurous on your own, but you are doing it while also transitioning a new, usually older child into your family. You will have no idea how long you are required to stay, you will have emergencies come up and have to deal with them in a strange system, and you will have social workers and lawyers watching and documenting your every move. In our situation, we weren't allowed to leave once we started the process or the adoption would fall through. This meant that my husband had to miss his grandfather's funeral because he died while we were in Peru.

Please know that I'm not saying this to discourage you, but to give you an idea of what adoption travel is like. I have wonderful memories of Peru and our first days as a family with each of my sons, but I also never wanted to leave a place more badly. Now it would be awesome to go back for visits (we're thinking maybe next year), but at the time, we needed to introduce our boys into their new lives and start our real transition phase. While you're living abroad, so many habits are formed out of convenience and lack of other responsibilities like school and work that it's hard when you try to establish different routines at home. The children feel that just as they learned your rhythms, you are changing everything on them again at the same time that they are adjusting to entirely new surroundings. For this reason, I felt that the longer we were together but not at home during the transition phase, the more difficult it was on everyone.

All that being said, I wouldn't rule out a program for that reason alone. Definitely chose the program that is the most stable and ethical and that you are most drawn to. The hope is to find all three of those things in one program.

Have you every traveled to Nicaragua or the Congo? I haven't been to the Congo, but I'd like to warn you about Nicaragua, if you haven't been there. First, let me say, it's a beautiful country, and I recommend it as a cheap vacation spot to anyone looking for a tropical/beach/hiking/adventure getaway. But, it is one of the poorest countries in the world (I believe 2nd poorest in the Western Hemisphere). In addition to the typical things you might think of, this means that it's common for places not to have electricity 24 hours a day. Outside of the cities, especially, many places are run by generators, and they cut them off at a certain time each night to conserve. The thing that might make it even harder to work from there is the unreliability of internet service. I'm sure there are some places that have great connections, but many places have WiFi throughout their property, which means connections can be limited, slow, and unreliable.

On the same note, something that happened to us in Peru that I can see happening in Nicaragua: we rented an apartment rather than stay in a hotel the whole time. Many landlords will say they have WiFi, but what they really have are repeaters that pick up other people's WiFi. This was a problem because our internet came from the salon across the street, and when they were using the service, we had a very weak signal. My husband was trying to work for part of the time we were there, and he'd have to wait for the salon to open on Monday mornings in order to get a signal (because the cleaning lady shut it off on Saturday afternoons).

Again, I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm telling you these things so that you have a better idea of what a 3 month fostering period might mean and can make a more informed decision. Personally, I think that being able to foster an older child before you adopt them is a wonderful thing, but truth be told, the first 3 months are sort of the honeymoon period. Sure you'll have little issues, but the real, big, deep stuff didn't surface until just around month three for us. I can imagine it would be even more pushed back if you don't even get to bring your child home for longer than that.

If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me. I'm always floating around and promise to answer as best I can.

NickiChick · September 2013

@CaptainSerious- Thanks for taking the time to type that out. You gave us some great points to think on! I'll update once we take the big leap.

CaptainSerious · September 2013

Best of luck in deciding!

AwBeth · September 2013

Hi! We are adopting from Congo. We received referral on August 9th!!! It's true that the program has ups and downs, and we keep reminding ourselves that it could all close down tomorrow. BUT we feel like this is exactly where the Lord has led us, and we are just trusting Him. The wait has gotten much more difficult now that we've received referral, but I've been surprised at how calm we've remained

Good luck in whatever you decide!!!

potatohead · September 2013

Welcome and congratulations on your decision! I look forward to following your journey. I am familiar with DIA, so I apologize for not having any IA advice, but I am certain that God will lead you and your DH to an agreement that will be perfect!

JoaPata · September 2013

Hello and welcome, I am working on adoption from the US Foster Care System (0-3 years old). I know a lot about this but not a ton about IA. I look forward to talking with you and hearing about your journey.

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