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So tired of stereotypes and double standards

CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
in Blended Families
I know stereotypes and double standards get brought up quite frequently here, but I need to vent for a minute.  Flame if you want, that's ok, I just need to get this off my chest because I'm frustrated and can't go work out.

Just because my DH and I drive nice cars and live in a nice house, that doesn't mean he doesn't provide for K.  We pay the CO amount every month and provide her with excellent health insurance that is well above the State requirements, and we also provide dental insurance which in CA he is not required to provide.  We have nice cars and live in a nice house because we work our asses off and budget accordingly.  BM living with her mother, sharing a bedroom with K and driving a beater car is a pure reflection of her own laziness and refusal to provide a better life for herself and K.  Calling DH a "deadbeat dad" and me an "evil SM" is the farthest from the truth. 

Just because my husband and I are able to provide for K, my children and our baby together, that doesn't mean that my children's father is exempt from providing for them.  He still has a financial obligation to them and needs to do his part.  And for the record, he's not doing his part so don't assume that I'm milking him for every penny he has.  I work part-time so that I can be there for the kids day in and day out, not so that my ex has to pay me more money.  If that were the case I would have had the support order modified to reflect my lower income.  I'm gladly accepting, although not actually receiving, an amount that reflects what I used to make because that is what I'm capable of earning.

Just because I work out 5 days a week, drive a nice car and take pride in my appearance doesn't mean that I'm putting my own needs above the needs of the children in my home (K included).  Nor does it mean I'm an ex-stripper.  It simply means that I work to pay for my car, my Crossfit membership, and that I care enough about my heath and my children to take care of myself to be the healthiest I can be so that I can be around for a long time for the children.  I like wearing nice things because dammit, I pay for those nice things. The kids have nice things as well (including K) and no one is doing without in my home.

Just because my husband works his ass off to provide for our family, that doesn't mean he's putting my children above K.  Their father does zero to support them financially, emotionally or otherwise.  DH is helping me raise my children, just like I am helping to raise K.  Why does he get side-eyed for providing for my kids, but as a SM I'm expected to use money from my job to provide for K?  I'm not complaining about providing for K, but don't bash DH for helping me provide for my children as well.

Why is it that when a SF steps up to the plate and helps raise and provide for his Skids he's praised and applauded for being such a stand up guy, but when a SM shows love and affection and does things for her Skids she's bashed and cursed for "overstepping"?  And in the same token, if a SM is hands-off she's cursed and bashed for not caring about her Skids?  If Skids tell their SF they love him, it's a sign that SF is doing something right and has earned their love.  But if Skids tell their SM they love her, she's clearly forcing them to say it?

Again, I apologize for this rant.  I'm in a very grumpy and hostile place right now and can't go to the gym and blow off steam.
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Re: So tired of stereotypes and double standards

  • JessH1474JessH1474 member
    Preach on!! I agree 100%, it's very frustrating.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    Oh last one:

    Don't tell me I don't know what it's like to be a single mom and how hard it is and how much single moms struggle.  I was a single mom for 5 years before DH and I got engaged.  For 5 years I struggled to raise them on my own with no financial support from their father.  For 5 years I worked hard to provide for them and struggled to finish school and get my degree so that I could offer them an amazing life.  My DS and DD didn't just suddenly and magically appear after DH and I got married.   
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  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    Here here! I haven't hit this yet but can see it coming. If you figure it out, I'd love to know too.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    I feel you Jo. I think it's because women are so cruel to each other and are always judging instead of supporting. My DH says great things about my SS's SF and say he is lucky to have him. I know my SS's BM does not say the same about me!
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    =D>
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    jobalchak said:

    Just because my husband and I are able to provide for K, my children and our baby together, that doesn't mean that my children's father is exempt from providing for them.  He still has a financial obligation to them and needs to do his part.  And for the record, he's not doing his part so don't assume that I'm milking him for every penny he has.  
     


    Amen! Especially this part. BD has actually told me that he doesn't think he should pay CS because DH and I make enough to take care of DS. WTF

    As for the rest of it  :-bd  People always want to make assumptions about others based solely on what they see as an outsider. Stereotypes are rarely correct, its just that the people that fit the stereotype are the ones that people notice.

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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    kaholland4 said:
    jobalchak said:

    Just because my husband and I are able to provide for K, my children and our baby together, that doesn't mean that my children's father is exempt from providing for them.  He still has a financial obligation to them and needs to do his part.  And for the record, he's not doing his part so don't assume that I'm milking him for every penny he has.  
     


    Amen! Especially this part. BD has actually told me that he doesn't think he should pay CS because DH and I make enough to take care of DS. WTF

    As for the rest of it  :-bd  People always want to make assumptions about others based solely on what they see as an outsider. Stereotypes are rarely correct, its just that the people that fit the stereotype are the ones that people notice.


    DC and his wife have said this to me.  I kid you not.  DC said that since DH and I are doing so well and are able to provide for the kids and cover their health insurance (which he is also supposed to do) then he feels it's "morally unfair" to demand support from him.  Yes, he actually said "morally unfair".  His wife is just as bad and accused me of trying to "ruin" their family.  Whatever.
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  • Mkherren12Mkherren12 member
    I agree but I'm on the flip side. Just cause my DH and I have nice cars are building a house and provide what xh doesn't/can't doesn't make me a b*tchy XW!! I don't denie xh time with dd and I don't complain when he drops plans last minute!
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    jobalchak said:
    kaholland4 said:
    jobalchak said:

    Just because my husband and I are able to provide for K, my children and our baby together, that doesn't mean that my children's father is exempt from providing for them.  He still has a financial obligation to them and needs to do his part.  And for the record, he's not doing his part so don't assume that I'm milking him for every penny he has.  
     


    Amen! Especially this part. BD has actually told me that he doesn't think he should pay CS because DH and I make enough to take care of DS. WTF

    As for the rest of it  :-bd  People always want to make assumptions about others based solely on what they see as an outsider. Stereotypes are rarely correct, its just that the people that fit the stereotype are the ones that people notice.


    DC and his wife have said this to me.  I kid you not.  DC said that since DH and I are doing so well and are able to provide for the kids and cover their health insurance (which he is also supposed to do) then he feels it's "morally unfair" to demand support from him.  Yes, he actually said "morally unfair".  His wife is just as bad and accused me of trying to "ruin" their family.  Whatever.

    Yep, I was told it was unfair because BD was supporting GF's 3 previous kids plus their new baby. That he "had other kids to think about" and that I was denying the GF's kids. I don't understand these people. What's "morally unfair" is for him to treat his (your) kids the way he does (or rather, doesn't).
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  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    kaholland4 said

    Yep, I was told it was unfair because BD was supporting GF's 3 previous kids plus their new baby. That he "had other kids to think about" and that I was denying the GF's kids. I don't understand these people. What's "morally unfair" is for him to treat his (your) kids the way he does (or rather, doesn't).
    Is it bad I can't even wrap my head around this mentality? I'm supporting someone else's kids so why should I have to support my own? It's great he's helping her take care of her kids but I don't know how he thinks he's not responsible for his own children by that logic.
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    You will never "win" in the eyes of those who don't want you to. People will always judge your choices and actions. And you know, as well as I do, that there is nothing you can do to change them. So F them.
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    xmaryrickx said:
    You will never "win" in the eyes of those who don't want you to. People will always judge your choices and actions. And you know, as well as I do, that there is nothing you can do to change them. So F them.
    This times 1000.

    And Jo, eh, I think you're just an ex-stripper. ;)
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    @MrsHetzel:

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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Haha!  I did take 13 years of ballet....does that count?  Oh what am I saying, I think the big csection scar has killed my stripper career..
    jobalchak said:
    @MrsHetzel:

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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    EarthandFire said:
    kaholland4 said

    Yep, I was told it was unfair because BD was supporting GF's 3 previous kids plus their new baby. That he "had other kids to think about" and that I was denying the GF's kids. I don't understand these people. What's "morally unfair" is for him to treat his (your) kids the way he does (or rather, doesn't).
    Is it bad I can't even wrap my head around this mentality? I'm supporting someone else's kids so why should I have to support my own? It's great he's helping her take care of her kids but I don't know how he thinks he's not responsible for his own children by that logic.
    Right?! I don't get it either. Luckily that's a good thing, it means I don't speak moron.
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  • CurlieWhirlieCurlieWhirlie member
    Lavender P said:
    I think it's because women are so cruel to each other and are always judging instead of supporting. 
    THIS. Ladies, we can do better.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    There are so many movies that perpetuate the evil SM stereotype; The Stepmother, Cinderella, Happily N'ever After, A Cinderella Story, Ever After, Snow White - A Tale of Terror, A Tale of Two Sisters, Enchanted, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and the list could go on. Not that this will solve everything, but we need more movies like The Sound of Music where the SM is showcased as a positive person in the kids' lives.

    Jo, I'm sorry you're grumpy and that this double standard is so evident in your life.
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  • bebe11bebe11 member

    I totally understand what you are feeling.   It is frustrating.  Can you go for a run, since you can't go to crossfit.  Might help :)

     

     

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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    edited September 2013
    MrsHetzel said:

    Haha!  I did take 13 years of ballet....does that count?  Oh what am I saying, I think the big csection scar has killed my stripper career..

    j
    jobalchak said:

    @MrsHetzel:

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    Obviously you haven't seen the strip clubs around here. The club's are shut down now, but I know someone who used to DJ at one of them and there was a woman there still dancing at 8 months pregnant. And he said she was one of the better looking girls. Lol
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  • danac2010danac2010 member
    twister22 said:
    There are so many movies that perpetuate the evil SM stereotype; The Stepmother, Cinderella, Happily N'ever After, A Cinderella Story, Ever After, Snow White - A Tale of Terror, A Tale of Two Sisters, Enchanted, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and the list could go on. Not that this will solve everything, but we need more movies like The Sound of Music where the SM is showcased as a positive person in the kids' lives.

    Jo, I'm sorry you're grumpy and that this double standard is so evident in your life.
    Maybe this is why Sound of Music is my all time favorite movie!  

    BM has a daughter that is only 6 years younger than me and BM is 10 years older than me.  BM's daughter has blasted me on FB for marrying for money (if DH has money I'd like to know where he is hiding it) and that I don't really know how to be a mom because I'm so young, yet the daughter has 2 kids.  I don't let it bother me and I just let them say whatever because 99% of the time the coaches, teachers, etc think I'm mom and BM is the grandmother.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    ambrvan said:
    Haha!  I did take 13 years of ballet....does that count?  Oh what am I saying, I think the big csection scar has killed my stripper career..
    j
    jobalchak said:
    @MrsHetzel:

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    Obviously you haven't seen the strip clubs around here. The club's are shut down now, but I know someone who used to DJ at one of them and there was a woman there still dancing at 8 months pregnant. And he said she was one of the better looking girls. Lol
    Thanks for sharing, I kinda threw up in my mouth a bit...   :-&
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