Still pining for my vaginal birth

babyrossman · August 2013

I'm new to this board. I had an unplanned csection after my water broke, 23 hrs of labor (including cook balloon, and max dosage pitocin) and I wouldn't progress past 4-5cm. It was BEYOND unexpected. I felt so disconnected from my birth that I still feel totally cheated. I find myself crying at hearing others birth stories because I'm JEALOUS. I don't feel like I deserve a birth story because I didn't give birth -- I had surgery. I know it was necessary as baby was in distress after such a long labor, but that doesn't make it any better. I had visualized a beautiful natural birth and holding my baby and Breastfeeding right away.. Instead, I didn't see my daughter for an hour after birth and didnt get to breastfeed for two hours. I cried all night asking to see her because I couldn't even remember what she looked like. I'm now 5weeks pp and I worry I will never get over not physically seeing my daughter come from my body. It seems so trivial because she is perfect and healthy and I love her so much. But this "birth story" still breaks my heart. Did anyone go through this? Does it get better?

cinderin · August 2013

I was told I was going to have a c/s when I was about 34 weeks PG and LO was breech.

For a while, I hoped he would turn. When I realized I was really going to have a c/s, I "grieved" for the birth I had wanted for about two weeks. It wasn't what I wanted or imagined for myself. I too wanted a vaginal birth. I cried about it a lot those two weeks.

I got my grieving out before the birth. I think you are just grieving now. Give yourself some time.

You are right, the important thing is that you and baby are healthy. There is a lot to be thankful for in that alone.

millieb0623 · August 2013

I had an emergency c section too. I also felt very cheated, I didn't get to hold her right away and didn't get to breast feed right away either. It does get better with time. I think I finally came to terms with it but I felt bad at first too so yes it does get better

nosoup4u · August 2013

I don't think it's helpful for people to post about how they don't feel bad about having a c/s on these sorts of threads...how does that help the OP in any way? And LOL at the poster who had as easy of a recovery with her c/s as someone with a vaginal birth - have you had both so you can really compare the two? Because as someone who *has* had both, they are not really the same in terms of what you're recovering from...

OP, it took me a year to come to terms with my unplanned c/s. I had pushed for hours with DS1, to no avail, and then he was also unexpectedly hospitalized after birth. The hospitalization was insanely stressful, and it really colored how I viewed his whole birth. FWIW, planning for and having a VBAC with my second helped me come to terms with my first son's birth.

Be gentle on yourself - five weeks postpartum is still incredibly early! It's really common to not be happy about an unplanned c/s, and different women react and deal with it in different ways - you're not less of a mother or bad bc you don't appreciate having major surgery. There are therapists who specialize in postpartum and new moms, maybe think about talking to someone if you don't feel better. ICAN usually has good support groups, too. And try to focus on breastfeeding and taking care of your baby - it was hard for me not to replay all of our decisions in DS1's birth. hth and take care.

rozerok · August 2013

I definitely know how you feel. My pregnancy went beautifully, my water broke on its own 4 days prior to my due date, I was in labor for 18 hours from when my water broke to when I had my csection. After I got the epidural at 4 cm, I progressed from 4 to 10 in 2 hours. I pushed for about 4 hours and couldn't get LO's head out from behind my pelvic bone. I was dead set on a vaginal delivery and wanted to breast feed right away as well and that didn't happen. He never would latch right and u believe it is because we didn't get to try until 2 hours after he was born. I'm hoping I won't feel so bad after more time passes, and I will pray that you will too.

Schell2013 · August 2013

I could of wrote this exactly. I am almost 4 months pp and still feel super ripped off. I don't know when it gets better but I still wish I had a normal birth. I was put under for mine and didn't even hear her first cry. I just try not to think about it or it makes me upset and cry. I too hate my birth I resent it, and being told I am lucky we are both ok still doesn't fix the fact I got my daughters first moments in earth that I waited nine months for taken away from me.

Clynnpollock · August 2013

beckyschell said:

I could of wrote this exactly. I am almost 4 months pp and still feel super ripped off. I don't know when it gets better but I still wish I had a normal birth. I was put under for mine and didn't even hear her first cry. I just try not to think about it or it makes me upset and cry. I too hate my birth I resent it, and being told I am lucky we are both ok still doesn't fix the fact I got my daughters first moments in earth that I waited nine months for taken away from me.

I still feel like I missed a huge moment too - and nearly three years later, I can honestly say it still hurts sometimes, but the pain has lessened over time - I still have a lot of firsts I remember far more clearly than I do DS' birth, but a part of me still wishes I had those first moments too (and I think I always will), maybe it's greedy, but I wish I could have had them. I'm grateful that DS and I both came through the experience healthy and whole, and it's become more important as time passed. I can only hope the same is true for you...

amaburch · August 2013

Its slowly getting easier for me too, I try to think that my husband got to have that early bonding time with him by holding him first and provide the care the first 24 hours. It took us a few weeks to really feel that bond, now its so incredibly strong

My OB said I could try a VBAC next time, so I'm hanging on to that so I feel a little better. I just keep reminding myself that his story is special and unique too, and remembering how I felt the moment I saw him around that curtain and how that feeling wouldn't have been any different had I had him vaginally.

zbeesma86 · August 2013

I try to look at the positive of it- DD was breech and instead of doing what I wanted or thought I could do- having a vaginal birth- I thought about DD and what was best for her at the time, which was getting her out via c section.

It's an adjustment, but don't feel cheated! You have a wonderful LO and if you still feel that way in a year or 2- have another and do it vaginally!

limetango · August 2013

My DD will be 21 months next week, and I still feel like I will never come to terms with my c-section. I went to a local birth center for all of my prenatal appointments and wanted a vaginal birth SO BAD. At almost 42 weeks I was told there was not enough fluid for the baby so I had to be induced. That alone crushed me b/c I would be adding drugs to the mix. Then after 45 hours in labor and only being 2 cm, they told me I needed a c-section. I hate when people tell me "you still gave birth, just look at the end result". YES, I am glad I have a perfectly healthy daughter, but being as my husband and I do not plan on having any other children, I will never get to experience what I wanted so badly. I might have been able to cope with a planned c-section a bit better, but 2 days in labor with 4 different drugs, my water being broken, and a balloon in my cervix and then ending up getting cut open is a pretty traumatic birth experience in my book. Plus my spinal block made it so that I couldn't feel myself breathing so I though I was going to die on the table before I even saw my daughter. My husband and I have been to therapy and the therapist said the same thing, "you still gave birth", so we left her immediately. I did not "give birth", my daughter was surgically removed from me and I don't think I will ever be able to get over it.

nikel13 · August 2013

I understand how you feel. Add to it, I didn't even see my baby in person until 4 hours after she was born. I was put under for an emergency c/s and she had to go to the NICU for low O2 stats after birth. I only got to see a pic that DH took when they wheeled her past to the NICU. I know that I mourn my lost birth experience and all of those precious firsts that I missed, but I know that I delivered my baby (even if it didn't seem like it) and I get to experience so many firsts with her. I make it a point to not miss anything. I have to keep telling myself that even though I didn't see her right away, I have my baby and she knows I'm her mommy. That's all that needs to be happening. She got here safely, and that's what counts.

Bunnyfer · August 2013

I feel robbed of the whole birth experience in general. I chose my hospital because of it being a Woman and Babies hospital...it was nothing but labor and delivery, a NICU and recovery. I went into labor at 7a. Arrived at the hospital at 10a, already 5min apart on contractions, very painful. They triaged me, and found I was only 2cm, but my BP was high. My OB wanted me admitted, but the problem was there was no beds( this was a few days after the full/blue moon), and their were woman coming in 6-8c already who were getting priority. I was left in a triage room, which was tiny, windowless, and all I had was a gurney.I had to walk up the hall to pee...which was NOT comfortable or fun in the gown I was in. I was having TERRIBLE back labor, and not one person helped me get through it. I sat in the triage room for 13hrs!! I was put into a room about 9p. The delivery rooms are so much bigger, have huge floor to ceiling windows, great beds. By then I was screaming for an epi(which was NOT in my birth plan) but I was in to much pain and exhausted. I had the epi at 9:30p, my water broken by 10p and was 5cm. Within 30min, LO's heart rate had dropped 2x, and the decision was made to do a c-section due to me losing to much blood and her heart rate. She was born at 10:45p. I was a basket case.

A few days later, as DH and I discussed it, I told him that while I was happy to have her healthy and not affected by delivery method, I felt cheated by the whole delivery. I did everything in my power to have a perfect pregnancy, and to have the whole thing go the way it did...I felt cheated. I have cried about it a few times, but have come to the conclusion, it is what it is. I now have a battle scar, and a beautiful daughter. It gets better

frank3jr · September 2013

I have been feeling really bad about this as well. My whole life I have had this picture in my head of how this wonderful experience would go. Even when I knew my risk of having a cs went up, due to having twins, I really never believed I would have to have a cs. Due to my baby girl's heart rate dropping, I had to have one and they told me with my husband's and my family all in the room. We both really regret not asking them to leave so we could have a moment to mourn before going in for surgery but neither of us could get the words out (he knew how bad I wanted it all to go so he was heartbroken for me). I don't know if it would have been better if we had more time to mourn about it before hand but I hated having my family there, watching them wheel me away for surgery. I was and still am so embarrassed because I feel like I failed. I pretty much shut down emotionally and that is why I don't remember the first night and the first day too well either. I also feel like I didn't give birth and that our babies just showed up. It is really hard for me to call myself a mom because I don't feel like I gave birth to them. I know I should be happy that I have healthy twins but I can't seem to let it go after 4 months.

eandk18 · September 2013

I can completely relate to this! I'm one month out and I still get jealous when I hear of people having vaginal births. We tried for 4 years to get pregnant and during that time I also pictured how I would feel when I saw/heard my baby(ies) for the first time. I knew it would be an intensely emotional experience. Instead I developed a fever and had to have a c section...then bc I felt like I couldn't breathe and freaked out, I had to be put under general. I completely missed their birth and I was in so much pain afterwards that it didn't even phase me that my babies were here.

I still get a little teary eyed thinking about it. I know it was the best thing for my babies and their health is the ultimate goal, but yeah, it's hard!

emaddock · September 2013

I had really bad depression after my csection and with my second child I really wanted to VBAC. I had the same delivery--all the way to 10, pushed for 2 hours and then suddenly rushed back to the OR. With my second, I had a tear in my bladder and was in surgery for 5 hours. So scary. But the crazy thing? It gave me some peace. I realized that my body does all the work but I can't get my babies out. I still wish I had had the vaginal experience but I feel much more at peace. I did talk to a therapist for a bit and really recommend it. There are therapists that specialize in PPD and other birth related depression. Good luck! You aren't alone!

MrsHetzel · September 2013

DaisyBlinks said:
Time helps. I used to be the exact same way. Now it's like "birth stories? aint nobody got time for that. THERES A TODDLER RUNNING AROUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON".

ETA:

This lol. I'm a FTM, LO is only 9 weeks but already I'm over the "birth story" obsession bc your csection was just one day in your life. Your child is here now, and for every day of your life. Focus on that. Focus on the healthy happy miracle your surgery produced. And though this might be "shallow" just think if you decide to have another child, you can schedule a RCS and know the exact day and time your LO will come and bc it won't be an emergency surgery, you can tell the drs/nurses exactly what you want. With my RCS, My water broke 4 days early but I still went into the hospital with my list: things like LO was to be put skin to skin immediately, DH was to hold LO and stay with me the entire time I was getting stitched up (assuming no medical reasons made that impossible) and I said I wanted to BF asap, and a bunch of other things. Yes it was major surgery, but I felt totally in control about 98% of the time.

The point is, focus on moving forward and providing the best of the best for your LO!

Ardmhs83 · September 2013

This is normal...I felt the same way and still get upset at times and DS is 3 years old!! I HATED my section and feel very much like you do. It doesn't help that I see insensitive women on FB and on these boards sometimes saying, "we got the easy way out." Yea right!!!!!
Time will help you feel better and better. I am planning a natural VBAC next time, so I pray I can vaginally deliver next time!! You can too!!
Like I said your feelings are normal, especially at 5 weeks PP. I do see a therapist for PPD and she said women do mourn the loss of not giving birth the way we wanted in the same way that people mourn for any loss.
Talk about it and express your feelings, it's ok to cry. Feel better...hugs!

Want a personalized experience?

Still pining for my vaginal birth

Re: Still pining for my vaginal birth

Choose Another Board

Search Boards