Opinions please!

JessH1474 · September 2013

BM sent DH a text saying SS12 wants to join FFA, which we both think is great. The problem is that we live about 1.5hours from SS and only have him EOWE. BM was very limited with the info she gave to DH. She said there "will be ongoing costs and mandatory volunteer days". DH responded and asked about the volunteer days considering he will be with us EOWE and that would mean that DH would be driving all three weekend days 3 hours round trip assuming he would volunteer on Saturdays. BM is only required to drive every other Sunday per the CO. Of course her response was that most of the volunteer days will fall on the weekends. This doesn't really affect her b/c it will be local and she can run up and drop him off and then pick him up when he's done. DH will have to drop him off, hang around in that town for however long he volunteers, pick him up and then drive him home the next day. Asking BM to help or be flexible with the driving is NOT an option, it was a struggle to get her to agree to the one day per month. What would you guys do in this situation? We don't want to tell SS no b/c we're happy he's finally interested in something, but this is a big commitment for our whole family considering it would be for the rest of the school year and would bascially mean that on weekends he is to volunteer we can't plan much of anything since all 3 days will be driving days.

+just+j+ · September 2013

I would get all of the information directly from the leaders of the group that clarifies how many hours he will have to volunteer, what that all entails, and what this volunteer work is, what can be done during the week as well. He is not going to be doing this every single weekend. He should focus his volunteer time on his weekends with his mom and weeknights when he can. Events and activities that fall on your weekend, you will probably have to sacrifice personal time and do a lot of driving.

+just+j+ · September 2013

FFA as you probably know is a fantastic organization. I would not squelch this either, but I would try to work it so that your weekends with him are really spent with you in quality family time - not constantly running him around. Try to do your fair share, just keep it reasonable.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

I agree with @+just+j+ in that it's important to get all of the information directly from the group before making any sort of decisions. If BM is unreasonable and difficult to work with regarding transportation, I can only imagine that she isn't going to be completely forthcoming with information and the possibility of volunteer shifts that SS can do while with her.

If I were in your position this is what I would do: First contact the group and get all the information you can. Explain your situation with visits and transportation to the leaders. More than likely SS is not the only individual involved that is part of a blended family, and they probably encounter this type of thing all the time. Ask what the options are for make-up time, possible volunteer work in your area, weeknight volunteer hours, etc. Once you have all of that info, look into what you and DH can realistically handle. Depending on your weekend schedule with SS (is it Fri-Sun?), would he be able to do a volunteer task Saturday morning and then you pick him up afterwards? That would mean missing out on Friday and part of Saturday, but at least you're only making one trip out there. Also, let BM know that if DH is going to be doing extra driving for this activity, then she will need to start doing pick up every Sunday when he's with you. If she doesn't like it, then SS may have to miss out on volunteer activities. Even in intact families both parents have to sacrifice and do extra work. It can't just fall one on parent.

Wahoo · September 2013

I know nothing about FFA, but do know about volunteering, so I will offer my $0.02. I would call the leaders directly and talk to them. Your DH might be able to arrange something where he can take all of his volunteer days at once (1 8-hour day vs. 8 1-hour days). He may be able to volunteer remotely (doing publicity, putting together an email directory, etc.), or opportunities to volunteer on days when he would be picking up SS anyway (ie: if there is some sort of event on a Friday night, and he has SS Friday nights, he can volunteer for that event). Maybe there are volunteer opportunities closer to your home. Then he needs to be up front with the leaders.

Find out what the schedule will be for SS as well.

Once you have all the information, H can get back to BM and come up with a plan that will work. (or, he can ask BM "I am 1.5 hours away - how is this going to work?" and let her come up with a plan if she is unreasonable).

Do BOTH PARENTS have to volunteer? H can always play hardball and tell BM that he cannot volunteer, and if she wants SS involved, she will have to pick up that part of the committment.

JessH1474 · September 2013

Thanks ladies, DH already has an email into the leader to find out what all is involved and is just waiting to hear back. BM is bascially only getting her information from SS since he stayed after school for a meeting about FFA yesterday. She is very bad about telling DH things last minute and then getting upset if DH doesn't agree. It's bascially her way or the high way, which is why they can't along no matter how hard DH tries. She follows the CO only when it benefits her. Like I said it spells out her one Sunday a month driving and the fact that whoever has SS is to transport him to all extra curricular activities so she would never agree to anymore. My thought is that it's really none of BM's business what happens on our time anyway, so if something were to come up on a weekend where he was to volunteer and he can't make it, as long as DH stays in contact with the leader and works it out that way, I don't see why BM should even be involved. Of course if we agree to this, we're going to do everything in our power to make sure he follows through with everything he should, but sometimes things come up, that's life.

JessH1474 · September 2013

@Jobalchak I forgot to answer your question...yes we do have SS Friday-Sunday. Our BM is such a peach that she actually keeps tabs of how many overnights we have to a T, b/c in our state CS is based on the amount of overnights each parent has each year. We currently have around 78 each year with holidays and summers, but if that # drops to 74 or below, she gets more child support. She is such a money hungry person that she would LOVE for DH to get him Saturday-Sunday so she can subtract Fridays from our list. It's so petty it's not even funny. Poor DH wants to be flexible, but he can't help but wonder how much more money he'd have to pay her by just trying to do what makes the most sense for everyone. We don't think she'd have a leg to stand on with this situation considering it's not b/c DH just doesn't want the Friday nights, it would be strickly so he could do his volunteer hours w/out being in the car 3 hours 3 days in a row, but stranger things have happened.....

Ilumine · September 2013

JessH1474 said:

@Jobalchak I forgot to answer your question...yes we do have SS Friday-Sunday. Our BM is such a peach that she actually keeps tabs of how many overnights we have to a T, b/c in our state CS is based on the amount of overnights each parent has each year. We currently have around 78 each year with holidays and summers, but if that # drops to 74 or below, she gets more child support. She is such a money hungry person that she would LOVE for DH to get him Saturday-Sunday so she can subtract Fridays from our list. It's so petty it's not even funny. Poor DH wants to be flexible, but he can't help but wonder how much more money he'd have to pay her by just trying to do what makes the most sense for everyone. We don't think she'd have a leg to stand on with this situation considering it's not b/c DH just doesn't want the Friday nights, it would be strickly so he could do his volunteer hours w/out being in the car 3 hours 3 days in a row, but stranger things have happened.....

You know what I would do? I would contact your lawyer and have an amendment to the CO made, that any reduction of Overnight visits due to mutually agreed upon organized activities will not count towards a reduction in CS.

That will totally deflate her sails.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

Ilumine said:

JessH1474 said:

@Jobalchak I forgot to answer your question...yes we do have SS Friday-Sunday. Our BM is such a peach that she actually keeps tabs of how many overnights we have to a T, b/c in our state CS is based on the amount of overnights each parent has each year. We currently have around 78 each year with holidays and summers, but if that # drops to 74 or below, she gets more child support. She is such a money hungry person that she would LOVE for DH to get him Saturday-Sunday so she can subtract Fridays from our list. It's so petty it's not even funny. Poor DH wants to be flexible, but he can't help but wonder how much more money he'd have to pay her by just trying to do what makes the most sense for everyone. We don't think she'd have a leg to stand on with this situation considering it's not b/c DH just doesn't want the Friday nights, it would be strickly so he could do his volunteer hours w/out being in the car 3 hours 3 days in a row, but stranger things have happened.....

You know what I would do? I would contact your lawyer and have an amendment to the CO made, that any reduction of Overnight visits due to mutually agreed upon organized activities will not count towards a reduction in CS.

That will totally deflate her sails.

^^This. If it's in the CO that DH must drive SS to extra curricular activities, have it amended to say "mutually agreed upon extra curricular activities". That way BM can't sign SS up for things and then force DH to take him.

Want a personalized experience?

Opinions please!

Re: Opinions please!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards