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Working Moms
Anyone with SAHD totally resent their husbands?
Hi I am looking for some perspective to help me change my attitude. My husband has a flex schedule and is our sole care provider for our two children. I just went back to work full time and I hate it. I think what got me through the two years prior was knowing I wanted more kids and knowing we would get preggo and I would be on maternity leave with my two babies. Now I'm back at work and I've started to really resent and pretty much hate my husband. It makes me sad because he is an awesome dad and overall a great guy but my own misery about leaving my kids and working 40 plus hours plus two hour commutes makes me not even really able to look at him or even be nice to him even when I'm trying I can help but make rude comments.
Financially we can't afford for me not to work unless he took on a second job.
Any other moms married to guys to have the kids all of the time? How do you control the jealousy and anger?
Financially we can't afford for me not to work unless he took on a second job.
Any other moms married to guys to have the kids all of the time? How do you control the jealousy and anger?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Anyone with SAHD totally resent their husbands?
Why is this his fault?
That hate that is in your post - I'd actually recommend counseling.
At a minimum, look for a new job closer to home. If your job/ commuting is making you THIS miserable, start looking at how you can change it.
Due to my DHs job, 2 weeks out of every 4, he is the primary caretaker. I LOVE it. LOVE it. He's an amazing father, and DS and he have a great relationship and a ton of fun. I may get little pangs of jealously- but it's more that I can't be w/ them. Not that it's my DH w/ him instead of me. Never have I felt an ounce of anger towards my DH.
If I can't be w/ DS, absolutely him being w/ his dad is wonderful.
I really can't relate to being ANGRY about this. Think of your kids. THis is about them and being w/ someone they love and who loves them. So it can't be you as much as you'd like it to be. But your solution is to hate your DH, which could possiblye tear your marriage apart and therefore your kids are split between you?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am aware of being in the wrong when it comes to my feelings but I'm looking for ways to deal with them. (Beyond counseling because let's be honest thy costs money and time neither of which I have)
His job is a rotating schedule and only three overnights a week. So often times I have the kids alone on the weekends and he has them during the week and if his shift falls on a weekday we have a nanny for those days and I take over after work since he isn't home. Many people in his field work day jobs or side jobs so their wives stay home but my husband doesn't want to do that and enjoys being home w the kids.
I am going to actively look for a job closer to home however he tells me I can't take a pay cut or work less hours because we can't afford it.
I tell him I would rather cut back on cable or phones or any extras just to spend time w my babies before they are not babies anymore and he just says we can't.
I think I'm just going through the depression of going back to work missing them and resenting that I get up in the middle f the night for all the feedings since I breastfed and I work all day while he sleeps.
Just looking for possible words of encouragement from other moms who have processed and dealt with similar feelings.
The difference is, I like my job and also DH has been very supportive about me taking a lower-paying job if that is what I choose to do. Both of you deserve to be happy - so I think it's unfair for him to say that you can't cut back on extras so that you can spend more time with your babies - that would make me very resentful too. I think you should discuss that in more detail with him.
Don't have a SAHD, but I pretty much agree with all this. I think having a job you like better may make you less resentful of DH stsying home with LO. Also, please remember, being a SAH parent isn't always a walk in the park. Try seeing things from hi point of view. I'm sure there's a part of him that wishes he could be the one working.
But when he's alone with them it's a good thing... He gets lots of time with them.
Right now you guys have it set up so that you need to pay for limited childcare. That's pretty great.
I'm not sure why you're saying its not entirely his fault. I don't see this as a fault thing. He's got a weekend job. You've got a weekday job. That's how it is. He's not willing to take on another job and full financial responsibility so you can SAH. I can't blame him.
I'd consider counseling. You're jealous, but there's absolutely NO excuse for being mean to him. None. Get over it. You guys are doing what you need to.
Sit and talk to him again. Tell him you're having a really hard time missing your family and want more time with him and the girls. Ask if you can start by looking at the budget. Cut where you can. If it'd be cheaper to move near your work, do so. Cut cable some and sell some things and change your lifestyle a bit.
Then look for a job that supports your lifestyle.
You do sound very resentful that he doesn't want to work two jobs so that you have lots of time at home. That's pretty unfair. He'd miss them as much as you do.
Get over the time and money thing and get counseling so you can treat your husband like your partner and a friend, not like crap.
Divorce isn't cheap. Paying for 2 households instead of 1 isn't cheap. You think you have no time now? Being a single parent = even less time.
I don't mean to sound like an ass here, but look at the bigger picture here. If you don't get help, you're going down a BAD road. Get your priorities straight here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You don't want to seek counseling, I get it. It's a time commitment and you don't have the time, but girl, if you want to save your marriage, I would make the time ASAP.
You need to make peace with your situation and move on and try to enjoy it. GL.
So, I will just say that I have been pretty annoyed that I ended up being the breadwinner while H stayed at home. However, recently, I realized that the only person right now who is trying to ruin our family and poison our relationship is ME with all of my resentments. H is doing his best to raise our family, and it certainly isn't the kids fault.
I know that it isn't easy to let go of your anger. Especially if it is justified. But being angry and resentful of your spouse can ruin your marriage, and you are the only one who has any control over it.
Good luck!
Let me assure you my hubby and I are in no way near a divorce or anything we both aw knowledge we are in a tough phase and that this too shall pass. I do try my very best to be honest about my feelings without being mean and honestly I'm not ever mean to him. I just feel these feelings on the inside and I'm trying to process them. I can't help how I feel.. It's just a combination of my own sadness for being at work all of the time compounded with a job I don't like, feeling like I have no control over our finances (he manages the money and doesn't really give me much info when I press for it) and my lovely out of control hormones.
But divorce, not even on the radar. He's my best friend, I love him dearly and he really is my favorite person in the world besides my kids but I'm just in a dark place and I need to process these feelings somehow and so even the reality check that I'm being ungrateful helps.
I just like to know that other working moms feel pangs of jealousy or guilt from time to time and that I'm not alone in that... Most of the moms I know work because they want to or stay home because they want to but either way it's a choice for them.
I'm not making any sense but please keep responding with thoughts and insights.
Look into an Employee Assistance Program, either at your workplace or your husband's. Free counseling, basically.
My DH works nights/weekends and is home with LO while I work during the week, but there wasn't really ever a jealousy issue. Although certainly figuring out who gets a break when we're both home is sometimes an issue.
I think you have already gotten great advice here, so I don't have a ton to add, but I do agree that you need to make time for counseling. It is crucial for helping you process your feelings. After I had my DS, I went through a phase where I was really resentful that I could not SAH, even though rationally I knew that was never in the cards for us. I had a couple of phone sessions with a counselor through my company's EAP and just being able to spill my guts to an unbiased person and get an outside point of view on the situation was immensely helpful.
I know you say divorce is not in the cards and I completely believe that you feel that way now, but if this feeling of resentment and barely speaking to each other continues, your relationship will not be in a good place down the road.
I would focus on looking for a new job that makes you happier, as that should also help your outlook tremendously. Finally, it sounds like you are gone at work most of the week and he is gone most of the weekend. I think when a couple works opposite shifts, while it is a good arrangement in terms of childcare, it is tough as a family dynamic because your actual time as a whole family is limited and the person that is not working at the time had full on sinlge parent duty. Then you both feel like you are doing everything because you don't physically see what the other person is doing in terms of helping with the HH, and when you are home and need help they are not there. So you may want to consider whether that has any impact on this situation and if another long-term solution may be better for your family. I am only saying that because of this resentment issue - I know that arrangement works for some families.
Even if you don't go to counseling - I mean, that isn't a magic bullet, especially if you don't want to go - I would strongly consider starting a job hunt right now and/or start looking at how feasible it is to move. Even if you have to rent your house out instead of selling it, a 2 hour commute is long and it sounds like that is really playing into your feelings here, as is the fact that you don't enjoy your job.
I had such a hard time going back to work, and while my husband is not a SAHD, I know it's never going to be an option for me to quit b/c I make way more than he does. That would bother me a lot more if I didn't have a job I actually enjoy, and that is something that may seem unchangeable but it's really not if you work on it.
But we made that decision TOGETHER after talking, budgeting, and saving as a team. DH would never keep me in the dark about our finances or dictate that I "can't" look for a new job if that's what would make me happy. I agree that your attitude isn't good but I think your DH's approach isn't helping things.
DH recently closed the sale of our primary business (6 months ago). He went from being largely absent/wiped out to being the primary caregiver to our 2 kids. I went from having a very flexible schedule, seeing the kids off in the morning, picking them up and doing activities to leaving the house before anyone is up and meeting the family at the arena/soccer pitch/swimming pool to watch activities already in progress.
We've had a significant shift in schedules, responsibilities and lifestyle.
I do not like my job. But I certainly do not resent my husband for now having the time to spend with the kids. Not one bit.
What you have written here troubles me. Resentment can really fester, if you push it down and try to ignore it the consequences could be grave. If your husband truly keeps you out of the financial loop, that is problematic as well. How on earth you can have a discussion about your family well-being without knowing the dollars and cents of how the household runs is beyond me. Finances need to be an open book, IMO. You don't need to combine finances (we never have in 20 years of togetherness) but you need to know how the money works.
Honestly, based on the limited details of this post, it seems obvious that you need to change jobs. Something closer to home.
I didn't see your follow up post regarding the finances at first. This is a potentially huge problem. It's a big burden for him if he thinks he MUST handle all the finances.
Also, it's really unfair if you ask him about the finances and he won't answer you. I would actually recommend financial counseling - like an FPU course. That course really helps couples communicate about finances and that has been a huge help to my marriage.
It's impossible to see options when you don't have any information, and I think that's adding to your despair. You don't know what's going on, so you don't even know what your options are!
I'm in Canada so we get a year long maternity leave. I resented my husband because he got to go back to work after his 3 week paternity leave. It faded over time. I am back to work now and I love it. How long have you been back at it? Do you enjoy your job? If you did you probably wouldn't have these feelings.
Maybe look into something more flexible and shorter commutes or move closer to your job.
This very problem has lead to the destruction of a lot of families so I suggest you be proactive about it.
That's a fair point.
My DH and I work opposite shifts and he is our DD's primary caregiver during the day. I am alone w her a lot on nights and weekends. It's hard. I get lonely. I sometimes do feel jealous when they do something cool during the day and I'm at work, but not when he tells me about poop accidents and meltdowns at the store.
The difference though is DH and I both love our jobs and are really supportive of each other. We are very open about finances too. I guess just trying to talk through your feelings really helps, even though that sounds cheesy.