Step kids and biological

Doubletrouble12 · September 2013

Just curious if you feel you treat your step children the same way as your bio children?

Do you ever feel like you are under pressure to treat your step kids differently since they aren't yours

biologically?

How do you strengthen the bond with your skids?

Thanks for any input!

CurlyQ284 · September 2013

I treat them differently because of age. Right now SDs are almost 11 and 12. DS is 10 months. I think having DS made me a better step mom. I "get it" a lot more now. Now that he is here, I feel extra pressure and awareness of treating everyone fairly and equally. Not necessarily that I wouldn't I'm just conscious of how things look to others.

Lavender P · September 2013

First of all, I don't think it's a fair question to ask if you treat your SKs the same as your bio kids. It is impossible to treat any two kids exactly the same even if they are both biologically yours. I try to treat my SS as fairly as possible and that is the only real parenting goal I have. I try to treat him how I plan on parenting my DS at that age, but it is hard to know if I am because I have very different expectations of my DS as opposed to SS. He is with his mom the majority of the time and I only see him 4 days a month. That isn't really enough time to effect any major change so we just try our best.

Who would you feel pressure from to treat SKs differently? Not sure what you mean by that. My DH wants me to treat both kids as similar as possible, which isnt always realistic but we try.

I bond with my SS the same as with my DS. We spend time together as a family and time together just the two of us. We read together, watch movies, play games and hang out.

+just+j+ · September 2013

I am pretty certain I will treat my daughter much differently than I did my ex-stepchildren. No doubt. And DD will probably be held to a higher standard. I was pretty tough with them, but I did cut them a lot of slack.

Doubletrouble12 · September 2013

Who would you feel pressure from to treat SKs differently? Not sure what you mean by that. My DH wants me to treat both kids as similar as possible, which isnt always realistic but we try.

I guess I meant when I discipline or make decisions I feel that others may think i'm being harder on them because they are my step kids. My SDs are 7 and DDs are 1. I just wondered if anyone else feels the same.

KendraL86 · September 2013

I treat my SK's differently than I intend to treat my own child when he/she is born. I am much more lenient with SK's because they were raised with a different parenting philosophy than I currently possess. When DH and ex-wife were together, they used a very "modern" parenting philosophy that essentially lets the kiddos call the shots and dictate what they think is best for them.

I wholehearted disagree with this approach (as does DH now) and we will not be raising LO this way. We do use this philosophy (with some minor tweaks - we do say "no" now) with my SK's though because, at almost 15 and almost 19, they are too old to change the rules of the game. By the time LO realizes the rules are stricter for him/her than they are for SK's (and it's not just BC LO is so much younger), the SK's will be grown.

For me, it has nothing to do with biology. It just has to do with the fact that DH and his ex made a decision to raise the kids differently than I would. So I don't plan to raise LO with the same philosophy.

Sunday924 · September 2013

I would say for the most part I treat DD and SS the same. I treat them both different than older SS but that is because he is older. DD and SS are 10 months apart and I have been around SS since he was 3 months and he is now 6. I guess it's easier since they are close in age. I'm a little harder on DD but she is in our home 100% of the time and I expect more from her.

Lavender P · September 2013

ascott1125 said:

Who would you feel pressure from to treat SKs differently? Not sure what you mean by that. My DH wants me to treat both kids as similar as possible, which isnt always realistic but we try.

I guess I meant when I discipline or make decisions I feel that others may think i'm being harder on them because they are my step kids. My SDs are 7 and DDs are 1. I just wondered if anyone else feels the same.

I figure people will always judge how others parent and we tend to be much more harsh on Stepparents. I try not to think about how it looks to others when I correct SS, but it is hard not to think that they may see me as a mean SM. I just remind myself that I'm doing a disservice to SS if I let him behave in ways that I know will eventually get him in trouble and don't try to teach him instead. It does cross my mind though that people might think I'm being harder on him because he is my SS...

AlwaysForgetful · September 2013

I do not have stepkids. I do know what you are talking about though. There is treating them a little different because with them, there are different rules that their parents follow, and then there is really treating them different just because you can. I have seen both.

I sadly know 2 people who have full custody of their kids, BD is no where around for the most part (One actually has 4 BD) and their SO/DH treats the kids (so they are not his biological kids) like crud. It breaks my heart and I think god for DH every day and wonder why the women stay. One has a DH that has been around her 2 boys since they were 1 and 2. So it mirrors my situation. She too has a special needs child. The girl is the only child that is biologically the DH's (mirroring me again). The kids are now 7,9,and 10. The boys do not have birthday parties because "they don't have friends anyway". Before I realized how bad it was, we use to invite them to our place for cookouts and birthday parties. Her DH would get mad at the special needs child over nothing and tell him "you aren't mine, I don't have to deal with this ****." Or we would be talking about paying for therapy out of pocket. He would tell me how they stopped because after 2 visits it was not helping and why should he have to pay for that when it is not even his kid. If the child's father wanted it, then he should pay child support (That BD is out of the picture)... Right in front of the kids. The kids view him as their only male parent. I had to back away from them. I can't imagine being with someone who treated my kids like that. He has been the ONLY male in their lives. They do not lash out with "you aren't my daddy" or anything like that either.

Or this last week I was selling something DH and I bought one of the boys, new in box, but Pa saw it too and gave it to them. We lost the receipt so I decided to sell it part off because we did not need another. The woman who bought it for me was telling me it was a Christmas gift for her 5 year old. Ok. She handed me a bunch of change and apologized, but explained she had to save for things because her BF of 4 years would not buy anything for her 3 kids and she was out of a job at the moment, so she saved the change and was trying to get a jump on Christmas. But he treated their joint child well at least. I admit I thought it was a sob story.... till her "man" came over asking if she was done yet, made a comment about how he did not see why she was buying it, the little **** was not worth it. Umm, it was $5 and we are talking about a child. He left and I just gave it to her for free... I hope she can buy another gift for one of the kids. But once again, why would you stay if your kids are being treated poorly? Ok, maybe there is abuse involved and things I do not understand. It still breaks my heart.

Littlejen22 · September 2013

Looking back I sometimes has unrealistic expectations with SD because I did not have kids and just did not fully get it. I think unless you knew the SKs very young and their BM is out of the picture it is impossible to feel the same. You just try to treat them as similar as possible.

Ilumine · September 2013

Of course you are going to treat your stepchildren differently from your biological children.

You start off with the tried and true concept that ALL PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. DO you treat your parents the exact same? Your siblings? Your friends? NO. Because they are different people with different personalities and needs.

But then you add the specifics of your relationship and there you go.

1) What type of relationship does your partner have with his/her bio children? You can only go as far as your SO allows you to go.

2) Time affects your relationship. If you only get EOWE, you can either go really lax, ie the Disney Land Dad thing or you have to deal with a pissy ass child(ren) and you end up coming "DOWN" on them in order to deal with their attitude. From the outside, this looks like you are being MEEEEAAAN, but in reality you are just trying to DEEEAAAL.

3) Time also affects your interpersonal relationship with the child. If you only get 22 wakeful hours each EOWE visit with 44 wakeful hours out of 360 wakeful hours a month, its not like you are going to create a deep BOND all of a sudden or even over a reasaonable lengthe of time.

So when you have your OWN child, one that you get to interact with for 24/7 you ARE going to have a stronger bond/love/relationship. And that does, unfortunately seem like you do like/love one more than the other.

4) WHen you came into the child's life will most definitely affect how you interact with them. I came into SD's life when she was 18 and SS's life when he was 9. I treated them differently right off the bat.

Age appropriate expectations always look mean.

5) Monetary positions always seem to make people think the BIO kids get treated like dirt by the step-parent, especially when the step-parent is Non custodial.

Hell, I remember SS having an absolute temper-tantrum (screaming, throwing things, calling names) at the age of 14/15 because DH and I bought DD a portable DVD player.

Now when SS was 2, DH could not afford the portable DVD players, they were so huge they were impractical and DH and BM never ever traveled anywhere. But to SS I was horrid and treating him less then DD. ALL THE WHILE HE HAD A BRAND NEW DS (brand new because he drowned the 1st DS his father bought him and lost the 2nd one DH bought to replace the first) in his hands.

Bio kids are always going to have more in the house that they reside in more. Just like the SKs will have more in their Custodial Parent's home. But if we Stepmothers do not go out of our way to be 100% equal (not fair), then we are deemed evil.

It actually makes me really angry when I get labeled a bad SM because I am not 100% equal to the children living in my home, even though they are not 100% equal people.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

I don't try and look at it as "treating" DS, DD and K the same. I try and look at it as having the same expectations of them. I expect K at the age of 7 to be able to do the same types of chores that my DS and DD did when they were 7. I expect K to exercise the same manners that DS and DD do. I expect K to clean up after herself just as I expect DS and DD to clean up after themselves.

In regards to attention/discipline/affection, yes I feel that DH and I are pretty "equal" with all the kids. We make sure to do things as a family, we make sure kids get one on one time, reprimand bad behavior, etc. Even though K is only with us 40% of the time, she has spent a weekend with us grounded for misbehavior. The weekends that K is with us she has certain chores, and the weekends she isn't with us DD does those chores.

As @Ilumine said, it's impossible to treat people exactly the same because different people have different personalities. One person needs more physical affection (hugs, snuggles, etc) than another, one person requires more verbal affection.... For example, K will snuggle with me on the couch during a movie whereas DD prefers to sprawl out on the floor and catch popcorn in her mouth that I throw to her and DS will quiz me on what other movies certain actors have been in (DH hates watches movies with us because it's such chaos at times hahahaha). We're all spending time together but attention is being doled out in different ways to appeal to the kids' different personalities.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

Ilumine said:

5) Monetary positions always seem to make people think the BIO kids get treated like dirt by the step-parent, especially when the step-parent is Non custodial.

Hell, I remember SS having an absolute temper-tantrum (screaming, throwing things, calling names) at the age of 14/15 because DH and I bought DD a portable DVD player.

Now when SS was 2, DH could not afford the portable DVD players, they were so huge they were impractical and DH and BM never ever traveled anywhere. But to SS I was horrid and treating him less then DD.

This issue arises in intact families as well. When my older sisters were in High School my parents weren't as financially well off so my sisters had to work and pay for their own Homecoming dresses, extras, etc. 4 years later when I entered High School my parents were doing much better and money I earned from working went into a savings account, while my parents paid for different things. There was money for me to play travel volleyball, whereas my older sister didn't get to play because my parents couldn't afford it before.

When my oldest sister wanted a Discman back when they first came out (dear God, that's how old we all are), my parents couldn't afford it because they were ridiculously expensive. Fastforward 4 years and my parents bought me one for my birthday. It wasn't favoritism, it was just a matter of finances and that the cost of the Discman dropped to less than $100. My sisters still to this day swear that my parents favored me, and that's really not the case.

suburbanstepmom · September 2013

KendraL86 said:

I treat my SK's differently than I intend to treat my own child when he/she is born. I am much more lenient with SK's because they were raised with a different parenting philosophy than I currently possess. When DH and ex-wife were together, they used a very "modern" parenting philosophy that essentially lets the kiddos call the shots and dictate what they think is best for them. I wholehearted disagree with this approach (as does DH now) and we will not be raising LO this way.

I was going to respond something similar to this. SO and I do not have kids together yet, but the parenting approach him and his X took w/ his LO is not the way I would want to raise a child. Similar to what @KendraL86 said it was a "hands off" type approach. Not my style. If this is the case I don't think you have a choice BUT to treat SK's differently as its not necessarily your say as to how to teach/discipline/raise them.

EarthandFire · September 2013

jobalchak said:

I try and look at it as having the same expectations of them.

This. It's harder with two sets of household rules, especially when NCP's rules are stricter, because they try to live by CP's when visiting but they'll learn. I did growing up.

jobalchak said:

When my oldest sister wanted a Discman back when they first came out (dear God, that's how old we all are), my parents couldn't afford it because they were ridiculously expensive. Fastforward 4 years and my parents bought me one for my birthday. It wasn't favoritism, it was just a matter of finances and that the cost of the Discman dropped to less than $100. My sisters still to this day swear that my parents favored me, and that's really not the case.

And this. Favoritism is when I missed a 4H show because I'd been at the fair the night before until 2:30 am, I had to drive 30 minutes home, sleep, get up at 6:00 am to be to the class at 8:00 am, my mother gave me permission to skip it, I am still at the fair at 8:00 to prep for my 10:00 am class, my mother forgot about the exception and grounded me for a month even though other parents heard her tell me I could skip it and reminded her of it, no contact with the outside world until school started.
Then my sister stays home instead of going on vacation, lies to my grandmother about where she's staying, lies to her friends parents about my grandmother being at our house for a sleep over, steals my car (she was 13) and goes for a joy ride and gets 2 weeks grounding with phone and friends visiting privileges. There is a CLEAR double standard there. I think communication with kids about why they can't have new, expensive things is important and illuminates the perception of double standards. I also feel hard life milestones are important for privileges like reaching a certain age before they get contacts. One can't get them in 5th if another got them in 7th. You can't control what BM/BD does at their house and it's likely there will be times that needs to be communicated to bio-children but if you hold the same expectations for all kids, I think you're doing well.

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