Moving to town where your ex lives?

MomtobeNJ · September 2013

Here's a juicy one for a Monday morning. Honestly, I'm looking to get some opinions on this. DH and I are house hunting in a specific (large) county in NJ. There are lots of great towns to choose from. One town keeps getting recommended to us - reasonable prices, great schools, great shopping, etc., etc. So yesterday I'm telling a friend of mine that this town is included in our list of possibilities.

Here's the thing: my ex-fiance and his new fiance own a home in this town. It did not end well and we have no contact at all (broke up in 2003 and we've spoken maybe 3 - 4 times since then), and no more mutual friends. Not only does he live in this town, but his brother and family, his sister and family, and I think 2 cousins. This is a fairly large town, but I have no idea what area they all live in. They could be our next door neighbors for all I know, but the bottom line is that I need to do what's right for my family.

Now, I didn't give this a second thought except for maybe an internal eye-roll. But my friend told me she doesn't think that's a good idea and she would never live in a town where her ex and his whole family lived. She is not normally overly dramatic, so although I was surprised by her reaction, it did give me pause. She was like, "do you really want to be running into them in the grocery store? What if one of the kids is in your DD's class and you see them at school all the time?"

My response was, "I'll act like an adult and ignore them. Sure, it would be SUPER awkward, but we don't have to be best friends."

Am I way off? She still got me thinking. What is your opinion?

Unknown · September 2013

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JulesDiane · September 2013

I am sure not going to change my life and what could be best for my family because of an ex. Of course, that being said, if I did find out that the house I loved was right next door to my ex, then I might reconsider. I don't think it's something you should really worry about...

Flamingemu · September 2013

Ehh, I never talk to my neighbors anyway. Also, in the years I have lived in my town I have only ever run in to people I know 3 times. I would not give it a second thought.

MomtobeNJ · September 2013

Flamingemu said:

Ehh, I never talk to my neighbors anyway. Also, in the years I have lived in my town I have only ever run in to people I know 3 times. I would not give it a second thought.

This made me chuckle.

I'm glad I wasn't way off.

MarisaKathleen · September 2013

I've lived in the same city as ex friends for the last 5 years...it's roughly 30K people. I've never in 5 years run into anyone I know in the grocery store, target, etc, much less the weirdos we used to be friends with. I would say don't worry about it. Even if you would have some chance run in, you could smile, or nod and walk away. You don't have to be polite, or nice, or anything! You can be totally indifferent. Not to mention that would probably drive him nuts. :-)

Hyaline · September 2013

My only serious ex and I are still good friends. And lived in the same town for a while and never bumped into each other without planning to, even though he lived in my best friend's neighborhood.

I think it depends entirely on how comfortable you are seeing him. Yeah, if seeing an ex sends you into an emotional tailspin, something to consider in terms of selecting the town you live. If it's just kind of an "eh, that was weird" who the eff cares? I wonder if your friend had a really bad breakup at some point and can't imagine even seeing the person again?

MomtobeNJ · September 2013

Hyaline said:

My only serious ex and I are still good friends. And lived in the same town for a while and never bumped into each other without planning to, even though he lived in my best friend's neighborhood.

I think it depends entirely on how comfortable you are seeing him. Yeah, if seeing an ex sends you into an emotional tailspin, something to consider in terms of selecting the town you live. If it's just kind of an "eh, that was weird" who the eff cares? I wonder if your friend had a really bad breakup at some point and can't imagine even seeing the person again?

Bingo!!! I am sending you a virtual internet prize for hitting that nail on the head. That must be the explanation for her paranoia, because it wasn't making any sense to me.

hmp1 · September 2013

Don't a lot of people live in the same town as an ex unless you or him/her moved? A lot of people work with an ex or have a child with an ex. I can't imagine letting an ex have any impact on the future for my family. Seems very childish to me. I mean, unless this guy was beating you up or something terrible, the possibility of maybe seeing them at the grocery store is not a big deal.

MomtobeNJ · September 2013

It was an awful relationship and it did not end well, I'll just leave it at that. Would I be a little startled to see him or his family when I turn the corner...probably. But I still feel like I can look away and keep walking. We're not going to start WW3 in the middle of the cereal aisle.

MommaP12 · September 2013

I'm the oddman out here but I'm fine with it:

I don't think I could do it. If it were JUST him, maybe, but the fact that it's so much of the family too - the family that you almost married into and it ended badly, I don't know. It would have to be a VERY large city for me to consider it (very low odds of running into them).

kelbel527 · September 2013

I live in a relatively small suburb community (10K people), and there are a few people who live in our area that I know from work / grew up with. I never run into them. Maybe if the entire family is in the town, it makes it worse. But honestly, your biggest risk is if your kids are in the same school someday. So just consider how that will make you feel.

This is coming from someone who is still friends with her most serious ex and never was as serious (marriage-discussion) with anyone except my husband. So I've never really been in your shoes.

Just do what's best for your family and don't worry too much about "what-ifs"

MomtobeNJ · September 2013

It's a large town (not a city, not sure what the population is), but I don't know where any of them live. And I don't want to do any digging to find out! I do think the chances of seeing them regularly would be slim, but obviously still a possibility.

As for the school thing, it wouldn't be HIS kids in DD's class. He doesn't have any kids and I don't know if they're planning on it. Even if they were, there would be at least 2 years difference. However, I believe his sister has a girl around DD's age.

KellersPrag · September 2013

I think it's 100% stupid to worry about living in the same town as your ex.

You're not sharing a house.

linzeek44 · September 2013

KellersPrag said:

I think it's 100% stupid to worry about living in the same town as your ex.

You're not sharing a house.

LOL. Unless you're my parents. Then you divorce and share a house. hahahaha.

I wouldn't worry about it. I have zero desire to see my exboyfriends, but I'd move into town if that's where I wanted to live.

Cheenomae · September 2013

I was thinking the same thing @hmp1 said. Most people live in a town where they already have an ex or two. I have been broken up with and broke up with a guy or two before I met DH. We all still live in the same town. I have never, not one time, run into them or anyone in their family that I know of!! Also, it wouldn't deter me AT ALL from moving into a town if my ex lived there.

Flamingemu · September 2013

MomtobeNJ said:

It's a large town (not a city, not sure what the population is), but I don't know where any of them live. And I don't want to do any digging to find out! I do think the chances of seeing them regularly would be slim, but obviously still a possibility.

As for the school thing, it wouldn't be HIS kids in DD's class. He doesn't have any kids and I don't know if they're planning on it. Even if they were, there would be at least 2 years difference. However, I believe his sister has a girl around DD's age.

Honestly, if you are worried about it, you can do a little recon. Once you start looking at houses, pull up your county tax assessment and look at your street. At least you can make sure they are not neighbors.

I pulled up the site to check out my street to see sales records and average sizes, prices to make sure we weren't living in a neighborhood with too drastic of differences. So it is an easier way than just straight up googling his last name to figure out exactly where he lives, you can at least make sure you won't run into him on a walk.

BPer · September 2013

I have like 5 exes in my current town. I was even sat next to one on a connecting flight from Detroit yesterday. I've gotten used to the awkward. #smalltownproblems

Bighair12 · September 2013

I also live in the same town as my exes. I am used to it. Though none of my breakups were terrible. I rarely see an ex.

MomtobeNJ · September 2013

You guys had me curious so I looked it up - approx. 6500 residents, 1 elementary school, 1 middle school, 2 high schools.

Meh. If I find a house we love I would not let this stand in our way.

miss50 · September 2013

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it.

Me on the other hand. I avoid the ex's at all costs. I avoid fairs and county stuff, just to insure I won't see them. I live in a metro area and all but one of my ex's live in the town. And the 1 that doesn't live here has grandparents that live eight houses away. I've counted.

My last ex had a baby 3 days later than Sage. I'm sure we will encounter bday parties or soccer games as some point in time. I dread that day.

MrsManny · September 2013

MomtobeNJ said:

You guys had me curious so I looked it up - approx. 6500 residents, 1 elementary school, 1 middle school, 2 high schools.

Meh. If I find a house we love I would not let this stand in our way.

We live in a town almost exactly like this. We both have exes that live here and we rarely run into each other. I think if you don't run in the same circles, you will rarely see each other besides randomly occasionally at the grocery store or around town.

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