Future thinking...

AMH7124 · September 2013

Hello. I posted this in another forum but someone suggested posting here...

My gf and I have been discussing our future family plans. We both want our biological kids...1 using her eggs, and 1 using mine, with the same donor. However, I'm hesitant to go to a sperm bank as I would like for my kids not to have an unknown number of essentially, half siblings. My perfect scenario would be that we would obtain sperm from a man who did not want to have his own biological kids. For example, maybe a man who is in a homosexual relationship and they want to adopt rather than have do a surrogate. So my question is, is my vision too far fetched? Is it going to be impossible to bring my plan to fruition? Thank you in advance for any response

StacyLH24 · September 2013

It probably isn't impossible, but may be difficult depending on how you plan to find said man.

Either way you go, bank or KD, there are a lot of things to consider. My wife and I wanted to use a KD at first and ultimately decided against it. Believe it or not, it seemed to us that our perspective donors were very attached to their sperm and weren't willing to give it over to us. The main reason was that they did not think they could have a biological child and then not be able to have a say in who he/she is raised, etc. I'm glad they were honest about this with us.

Though we did ask a few men, we also weighed the option as it comes with having to sever parental rights and my wife having to formally adopt our child. With using a bank, there is no need for any of that. Also, there is no other 'parent' who has an emotional attachment to our child. That is important to us.

We picked a donor who is willing to be contacted in the future, so our potential child(ren) will have that choice.

Each bank is different, but many have a limit on the amount of children who can come from the same donor.

That is just what our experience has been. I know others on this board are using KDs.

wishiwaspreggo · September 2013

I'm right with @StacyLH24. We have a couple gay male friends we'd thought about asking but then we imagined the nightmare scenarios of how they'd react once they saw a kid. They made it pretty clear that they'd expect some type of "father" role - and also you never know how a man will react when he sees himself in your baby's face.

Having an open ID donor was the choice we made because we do want our child to have the option to meet the man who helped bring them into this world. We can't do this on our own, unfortunately, so even if just for medical records purposes I think it's best that my kid be able to make contact after age 18 with his/her donor. Other women feel differently and that's okay.

I think my sperm bank allows donors up to 25 offspring with different mothers, and then they become unavailable. I don't think that's too terrible - and I plan to make my child's origins clear to him/her so they can grow up with this information as a normal fact about themselves.

Just my two cents! Have a look around and see what you can find. I think there might be donor matching websites out there with men who just want to help a couple out.

AMH7124 · September 2013

Thank you both for your advice and thoughts. I really do appreciate it. I'm very new to this whole donor topic. We are not ready for kids yet but I hope I know where to start when the time comes.

StacyLH24 · September 2013

You're welcome. It can be very overwhelming to get started. I figured that it would be, so C and I started discussing options, etc. well before we were really ready to start. We talked about every angle of every possible decision. I looked up a lot of information online and also found the following book helpful: The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians by Rachel Pepper. I started reading this first, which is what sparked many of our discussions.

AMH7124 · September 2013

Oh wow, thank you for that book recommendation. I'll have to track that down soon. Hopefully it can open some doors that we've never even thought of.

GoaliesWife123 · September 2013

The Ultimate guide is a great book, but also read Taking Charge of your Fertility. It isn't necessarily geared toward straight or same sex couples, but it contains priceless information that will help!

2NewMoms · September 2013

It's ideal, in theory. In reality, you never know what's going to happen. My wife and I are in a similar boat - want two children, each biological to us and one donor. We thought long and hard about who we chose to be a donor because I never want to have my children feel like they don't know where they biologically came from. Although we had several people we knew said they would "help us out", we decided to go with a open donor at a sperm bank. This way, the child can decide whether or not they want to know who their biological "father" is and it won't get weird since this person isn't in our lives. With that said, we ended up buying 12 vials to ensure that we have enough for a sibling. We'll probably buy more though, since we're down to 9 as the first two didn't work and we're on our 3rd TTC.

So, no matter how much people may say that they don't want children, or don't want to be in the child's life...you never know what will ACTUALLY happen.

wishiwaspreggo · September 2013

2NewMoms said:

So, no matter how much people may say that they don't want children, or don't want to be in the child's life...you never know what will ACTUALLY happen.

Yup. Exactly. My close friend's brother was never interested in having kids... until his girlfriend got knocked up and CPS gave the baby to another family (long story). He went to court to try to get the kid despite his complete lack of interest in babies and his inability to care for one. He lost, thank goodness, but if he had a job and/or his own home the outcome could've been completely different. Be very careful. At least with an open donor, he'll sign a contract that will revoke all his parental rights.

AMH7124 · September 2013

Thank you 2NewMoms & wishiwaspreggo for chiming in. Like I said in a previous post, my girlfriend and I are not ready for kids yet but man, I already feel a bit overwhelmed. When it comes down to it, I really have no clue where to start. We're both 24 (25 in early 2014) and want kids by at least 30. We've started a "baby jar" to save towards us conceiving because neither of us know how much the whole process of getting pregnant will cost. Then comes finding a donor...how, what, when, and where? That's how I feel. Like I have a million questions and no idea where to begin. Thank you all for your comments as well as advice

I appreciate it beyond words.

ATXmommas · September 2013

@AMH7124 - smart of you to start thinking about this well in advance. There is a recent post that has some very good information about all of our experiences with the cost of conceiving if you are interested.

AMH7124 · September 2013

ATXmommas, do you happen to remember the title of the post? I can't seem to find it...

KH826 · September 2013

I think the post ATXMommas is talking about was called "cost of conceiving" ... And I think it was started about a month ago, if I remember correctly...

ATXmommas · September 2013

Try this link -

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12047395/cost-of-conceiving#latest

2NewMoms · September 2013

AMH7124, Once you start reading some of the donor profiles, you may feel more comfortable with the donor situation. We HATED (and still do) the fact that we had to "shop" for a baby, but really, what choice do you have. We're SO thankful that there are people out there who donate, or else, we'd never have a family.

We cried when we read our donors profile. It was as though this person was my wife's twin! We never thought we'd be able to find someone who we liked, and felt like they actually cared (not doing it just for the $$). So, I think you'll be surprised once you get out there and start reading some of the profiles. We looked for 6 months before finding ours, so doing it early does help!

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