Is this weird? (Turned into MIL vent)

kmc217 · September 2013

My MIL and SIL have been here the past week to visit us/see my new DS (2.5mo) for the first time. To say they are not involved (unless they are here) is an understatement. They have little to no contact with us or our kids other than the 1-2 times a year they or we visit but then want to be super grandma/auntie and have a lot of control over things etc. This is an issue but not actually my issue right now, LOL. Anyhow, MIL brought some clothes for the girls and then yesterday bought them Halloween costumes. Neither she nor SIL brought anything for DS, not even a stupid baby Halloween costume while she was buying the girls. So this morning (they leave tomorrow), MIL comes up to me and is like "Mark (DH) says Logan doesn't need anything so I thought I'd ask you if he does or if you want me to get him anything." Um... he's 2.5 months old and our 3rd baby so no, he doesn't really NEED anything because if he did, we'd have bought it at this point. But who visits their new grandchild without bringing a cute outfit, book or rattle or something? And then she honestly sounded angry that I couldn't immediately think of something for her to get him. I did tell her I had just moved him into 6 mo clothes and he could probably use a couple more outfits and she was like "well where do you like to buy his clothes." Honestly, if she is going to make me buy my son's gift for her, I'd rather she give me the cash and I"ll put it in his savings account.

I should add, she and SIL are both very well off and that MIL has treated SIL to lunch while they are here but not us, nor has she offered to help cook, buy groceries or treated us to dinner. DH has even bought her beer when she didn't like what we had in the house and treated her to lunch yesterday. We are not rich, I am on unpaid maternity leave and while they were here we had to put $1000 into DH's car. IMO it is not okay for her to expect/have her son buy her beer 2 hours after I all but had a panic attack with an unexpected car expense- and she was in the room for the phone call from the mechanic.

Sorry this is more of a vent.

kmc217 · September 2013

And I should add that I don't expect/want my MIL to buy us anything or pay for our groceries but I do think it's weird for her to treat SIL but not us at the same meal-- she handed me cash for her and SIL's meals and we put the rest on our card which seemed rude to me. And maybe it's because of how my parents were/my mom still is with us but I'm used to every now and then my mom CHOOSING to treat us and she would never expect me to just pay for her lunch or beer without offering to pay for it herself first (not saying I don't/wouldn't treat her, she just wouldn't expect it which MIL does-- she walked out of the liquor store while DH was buying HER beer. He had his own already at home.)

ToastieSimons · September 2013

Oh, oh oh! Me, me me! My MIL and FIL came to visit. DS1 just turned 2, and DS2 was 6 weeks old. They never got a birthday card or gift for ds1 or a baby gift for ds2. She said "just tell me what they need and I'll buy it". Well they're our kids so we have provided them everything they NEED, but a bib, onesie anything would be NICE. She has never bought a diaper, wipe or bib. She bought DS1 2 outfits when he was like 3 months. That's it. And she didn't cook a meal. I had to cook the entire week with a 3 week old special needs newborn.

ASullivan1231 · September 2013

I'm sorry. All of that would hurt my feelings too.

Honestly though, the sooner you come to terms with the way she operates the better you'll feel. As much as I'd like, my MIL will never operate the way my Mom acts. She will never do a million things that'd I'd like - it hasn't been an easy road but I'm trying to accept her for who she is and not who I want her to be. I highly doubt she's changing. You may not like her, but it's only hurting you getting mad about it.

Also, it's a little hard to feel bad when she's offering to but something for DS. It sounds like she wants to get something you'll use.

MILs are tough, but remember you'll probably be one some day. ;]

chelseymat · September 2013

I feel ya. MIL never so much as bought a card for DD when she was born. Actually it took her 3.5 weeks after the birth to even call and ask how the baby was.....of course she wasn't concerned at all with how I was after my 3rd csection. Oh but she made sure to ask DH for a $200 birthday present. Totally understand how your feelings are hurt. I just try to remember that I love DH and mil raised him so she just can't be as bad as she seems most of the time

spring_time · September 2013

In regards to the gifts, I think you are getting caught up in semantics. As a 3rd child, and as you stated, your DS probably doesn't need anything. She probably didn't buy a bib, rattle, etc. for him because you probably already have a ton of them. I know I had plenty after just one kid. She is asking to buy him something. Would it feel better to you if she asked, "Do you WANT anything for him?" I love telling people what to buy.

As for buying for the girls and not him, it might still be a thing of not knowing what to buy. Some people do better buying for one gender, or age group over the other. Also, your girls are old enough to ask for things and know what is being bought, your DS doesn't know the difference. It is fun to buy for kids who get excited.

Is your SIL single? When we go out with my parents, they pay for my sisters, but our family is on our own. Once I got married, I became my husband's wife. We are a family unit and theoretically planned for things like going out for dinner. My sisters, since they are still single, are still their daughters. Does that make sense? It is less offensive as it sounds.

I am just playing the devil's advocate here, and maybe you will see another perspective. Nobody likes to see one of their children snubbed, intentionally or not.

bumpuser8448316 · September 2013

The gift thing wouldn't bother me. She may have sounded angry because she was trying to buy you a gift and you were blowing her off. And as far as the clothes...sounds like she was just trying to buy you stuff you would actually like. Did all of that happen before the restaurant thing? Maybe she was hurt/offended

lollitots · September 2013

DD#2 was in the NICU for 5 weeks (premmie). MIL visited once. They saw DD#3 5 times in her first 18 months of life even though she lives 10 minutes away. FIL didn't even come to the hospital when DD#3 was born. MIL came, stayed 2 minutes and refused to even hold the baby. They gave their only other grandkid annual pass to Disneyland, my kids each got one outfit from the $5 mix and match section in Kohls. They talk about all the places that take BIL and nephew, but have taken DD out to lunch once in her 8 1/2 years of life. She is old enough to ask why.

It sounds like we have a bad relationship, but really, there is no bad blood there.

It all sucks and used to bug the heck out of me. Now I have just excepted that is the way she is and there is nothing I can do about it. I will take what little grandparenting that they offer my kids and be happy with it. At least they are not all over my business.

Love My Lil Princess 509 · September 2013

I'm sorry but you sound entitled. I'd be pissed they suck at being grandparents bc they don't even know my kids, not something as superficial as they didn't bring a gift? When my family came to the hospital, they brought flowers for me, no gift for the baby. They threw my shower and helped out plenty afterwards. It sounds like you don't even like the woman. I don't like my in-laws, which is why 99% of the crap they buy gets returned for stuff I like. They are also compulsive shoppers, who can't stop buying stuff for any and everyone instead, of actually knowing the person. They think they are GPA s of the year too bc they give gifts..

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