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Dr.Loretta · September 2013

For those unfamiliar, we used to do a hot topic Tuesday (HTT). We haven't done it in forever. But I came across this quote in the Boston Globe and I want to throw it out there for discussion. This is regarding Kristin Kish, the latest Top Chef, and her thoughts on her adoption.

Born in Seoul, Kish was adopted by a Michigan couple and raised in a middle-class, suburban Midwestern home. While her upbringing was comfortable and her parents loving and supportive, Kish says, she constantly strove for perfection, despite harboring nagging self-esteem issues.

Looking back, she says, being adopted was one factor--although not the only one--in her desire to please others, rather than focus on her own happiness.

..."if somebody gives you up for adoption, it means a) they can't care for you or b) they don't want you. Either way, you're missing a piece of something." she says.

aligross · September 2013

I can tell you that I have siblings who were adopted back when it was ONLY a closed adoption. My brother who is quite a lot older than I am has searched for his birth family for many years. Finally on his last BIG birthday, he decided to give up the search to only realize that he wasn't doing it for himself, he was doing it for his birth mom... He wanted to tell her thank you for the life she gave him. He didn't care who they were, he cared about her. His heart still breaks a bunch over not knowing, but he also knows that his true family is that that has loved him and raised him his entire life.

I think a lot of kiddos go through an identity crisis no matter adopted or not. My sisters had me convinced that I didn't belong to my parents when I was little and I was always waiting to see my face on the milk carton... (no joke here folks!) It took my mom showing me pictures, and the love that they had in their eyes when they held me, showed me my birth information etc. etc. for me to realize that they were my parents. As a teacher, there are kids always who are wondering who they are etc. As parents I think it is our job to reinforce the facts to our children. Who they are, why they are in our families etc.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

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Rachel Sonnier · September 2013

Just my two cents: Some aspects of adoption obviously involve loss. However, IMO, at some point everyone deals with loss, finding where they fit into their family unit and issues surrounding self-esteem. We may come to it in different ways, at different times, but we all do. I had a relatively peaceful childhood and still dealt with these things to some extent. My cousins had a picture perfect life growing up, and they deal with some CrAzY issues, that nobody can even figure out.

I personally lost my father at 22 and that shaped the adult that I became in lots of ways, some of them for the better. I have looked at the world a little differently ever since. IMO everyone has a variety of issues, loss being a very powerful one, that shape them as they grow and mature.

Would those issues have been different for the person in the article had she not been adopted? Sure, but who's to say that they would be better than the issues that she is facing now, as painful as they may be?

I think admitting that adoption involves loss and some different family issues (not less, just different) is a good thing. It doesn't mean that adoption is a negative thing, but if we don't admit that adoption is often the result of a negative situation, then we are lying to ourselves. The children know this, and I feel as though its our responsibility as parents to acknowledge their pain and support them in whatever ways we can.

Life is complicated. Life is hard. Life is painful. For all of us.

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