DH's with depression?

Hollylb3 · September 2013

Anyone's DH deal with depression? If so, did you have to point it out to them? I think DH is, but he would never admit to needing medication. I can't handle it anymore though. No matter what I do, he always seems to be in a bad mood, and we bicker constantly. No matter how sugary sweet I am, he's snippy and grouchy 90% of the time, and he lets the littlest bit of stress do him in.

He hasn't always been like this, but depression does run in his family. I just don't know how to bring it up or get him to the doctor.

lightgetsin · September 2013

Does he work out? I would try and make sure he gets time to run or go to the gym.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

tmsgrl said:
Does he work out? I would try and make sure he gets time to run or go to the gym.

No, I've definitely thought of that, but he truly doesn't have much time and that's really the last thing he feels like doing. He has a very physically demanding job and works about 70 hours a week.

lightgetsin · September 2013

I'm not sure why men hate going to the dr. so much but mine is the same. I usually have to call and just make the appt. for him although he is getting better about that.

Can you talk to him about it and just tell him what you told us? That he used to be happier and that you want him to have that again?

I think a lot of men see depression as a sign of weakness so I would come up with a way to tell him that won't make him feel weak or like he is not living up to your expectations.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

tmsgrl said:
I'm not sure why men hate going to the dr. so much but mine is the same. I usually have to call and just make the appt. for him although he is getting better about that.

Can you talk to him about it and just tell him what you told us? That he used to be happier and that you want him to have that again?

I think a lot of men see depression as a sign of weakness so I would come up with a way to tell him that won't make him feel weak or like he is not living up to your expectations.

Yeah, he's definitely the type to not want to admit a weakness. I'm thinking I'll avoid the word "depression" and just mention a chemical imbalance like his mom has.

zbeesma86 · September 2013

DH has his days too- I don't think it is depression though. He has a very demanding job and works A LOT.

Do you think it's really depression or him just being over worked? I know it's hard to talk to DH about this topic, but I would just come across as you are on his side and want him to be okay and that maybe he should talk to someone.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

hls19 said:
DH has his days too- I don't think it is depression though. He has a very demanding job and works A LOT.

Do you think it's really depression or him just being over worked? I know it's hard to talk to DH about this topic, but I would just come across as you are on his side and want him to be okay and that maybe he should talk to someone.

I dunno, maybe a combo. I'm leaning more towards depression though, just because even when he doesn't work that much, he's still pretty grouchy / snippy. Maybe not as much, but still more than he used to be. We did counseling a couple years ago and discussed it, and he swears he doesn't realize he's doing it.

zbeesma86 · September 2013

at the time was counseling helpful? did he seem better?

Hollylb3 · September 2013

hls19 said:
at the time was counseling helpful? did he seem better?

Not particularly. He would make an effort for a day or two after each week's session, but it was like he just couldn't suppress the grouchy giant trying to get out, KWIM?

zbeesma86 · September 2013

I hear ya. DH can totally be like that too sometimes- I call him McGrumpus.

Like a PP said- it's not going to be easy having this discussion with him but hopefully once you talk to him and tell him how you feel he will be like, hey! I need to make a change here. It's hard to be happy when you know your partner isn't. I know it affects me too.

Do you guys have date nights? Do anything weekly that he looks forward to?

Hollylb3 · September 2013

We have date nights probably bi-weekly. We go play volleyball every sunday afternoon and he really enjoys that. Of course that'll be coming to an end when the weather changes.

zbeesma86 · September 2013

Perhaps approach him with a game plan for what you want to do and what you want to see happen. I know my DH can act butt-hurt because he thinks I'm attacking him sometimes, even when I'm not!

Hollylb3 · September 2013

hls19 said:
Perhaps approach him with a game plan for what you want to do and what you want to see happen. I know my DH can act butt-hurt because he thinks I'm attacking him sometimes, even when I'm not!

Yeah, I've told him before that things need to change. Guess I need to make him see it's more serious. His attitude affects mine daily. Thanks.

notkateanymore · September 2013

Hollylb3 said:

DH has his days too- I don't think it is depression though. He has a very demanding job and works A LOT.

Do you think it's really depression or him just being over worked? I know it's hard to talk to DH about this topic, but I would just come across as you are on his side and want him to be okay and that maybe he should talk to someone.
I dunno, maybe a combo. I'm leaning more towards depression though, just because even when he doesn't work that much, he's still pretty grouchy / snippy. Maybe not as much, but still more than he used to be. We did counseling a couple years ago and discussed it, and he swears he doesn't realize he's doing it.

There is a difference between depression and being an asshole. I know you know that, but I wouldn't be so quick to say somebody has depression when it could just be that he's being a jerk. If this is a new attitude, what changes has he gone through to cause it? When did he start working that much? Does he like his job?

Hollylb3 · September 2013

Trust me, at first I thought he was just being a jerk. But after going through counseling, I realized he doesn't see how his attitude is so negative. It's just the general tone in how he says things, and his negative attitude. He doesn't like going out anymore, everything is an inconvenience...I don't really know how to explain it. He just appears to be stressed out and down in the dumps.

He didn't used to work this many hours and he doesn't like his job. He's looked for other work, but he's pretty well topped out as far as pay for his field, and doesn't want to take a pay cut. He doesn't really know how to do anything else. He's talked about going back to school, but he doesn't really have time.

peacelove&mama · September 2013

My DH has suffered from depression for a long time. Deep down he knew he was depressed but had a hard time admitting it until he finally broke down and opened up to me. It embarassed him. He feels a lot of guilt from things that happened in his past, and hasn't properly grieved his father or ex wife passing away. He's been on medication in the past but didn't like the way they made him feel.

We are searching for a new therapist for him that he feels comfortable talking to, as unfortunately the one he used to meet with isn't around here anymore.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

That's a shame, @peacelove&mama.

I fear the same about him going on medication. I've always thought it must be so difficult to be married to someone who had a spouse pass away. Do you mind me asking what happened?

I think even getting him to take it would be an issue. Therapy probably would be good for him, but I know there's no way I could get him to go. Ugh, men.

ASullivan1231 · September 2013

What if you approached this from the point of view that you need him to do this for the benefit of you and your child? I really don't understand that old school mentality that a guy is too proud to get help. Especially if its at the expense of his wife's happiness. I'm not ragging on you, I would just find that really frustrating that he wouldn't want to better himself for him and his family.

My Dad did therapy, and he comes from a completely closed off, talk about nothing, Irish Carholic family. He did it bc my mom was really unhappy with some of his behavior. He set his pride aside and I have no doubt it turned my parents marriage around.

I hope he can be open minded. I've dealt with my own depression and anxiety, it's not easy.

peacelove&mama · September 2013

She committed suicide less than a month after we started dating. It was very difficult. SD was only 6 at the time and had a hard time comprehending that her mom was gone, DH felt it was his fault, and I can't explain how I felt... The best way I can put it is that I felt guilty as well (if he hadnt met me, would they have got back together like she wanted, would SD still have her mom?) but also in a way I felt I would never be good enough.

It's getting easier for everyone though. Today is our anniversary, so next month marks 4 years since she passed. In the past DH would completely fall apart, but now he just writes a post on her Facebook and let's SD go on his account to do the same. Her older daughter (different father) held onto her ashes and had her laid to rest in August, so I'm sure we'll be taking flowers to her grave this year. I don't feel the way I used to anymore, uncomfortable about it all. My focus is just on making sure that SD knows she can talk to me about it, and helping keep her moms memory alive.

That turned into a lot more than I planned on writing. Anyways, maybe if you try approaching DH and explaining that it's affecting you, and your relationship, maybe he'd be more receptive to talking with someone to see if he truly is depressed, or if its something else. I had to take that approach myself, as DH is very stubborn about going to any kind of doctor.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

That's how I've approached it before: I don't know why you're so stressed out, but you have to find a way to deal with it because you're stressing me out. I think he'd be really put off if I use the word depression. But something has to change for sure. It does affect me and will soon start affecting ds.

notkateanymore · September 2013

As somebody who has dealt with depression in myself, make sure you are very careful about the guilt aspect of it. It's fine to tell him that his moods effect you, but IME it will work better if you make it known that you want to help him first and foremost. Guilt was a big thing with me when I was suffering from PPD and numerous people tried to reason with me about how I could end up hurting DD {not physically, emotionally} and that just made it worse.

peacelove&mama · September 2013

Good point @KateMW. I never thought of it from that angle. I could see how that could make someone feel worse depending on how you approach/word it. I guess it really depends on the person, and where their depression stems from. For my DH to hear me say I know you're struggling, but it's hurting me too, that's what gave him the kick in the butt to seek help. But I can totally see it going the other way too.

notkateanymore · September 2013

I can see it going both ways too, just wanted to offer another view. I would for sure leave DS out of it though, no matter if you decide to mention yourself. That's a lot of pressure on a person to think they're screwing up their only child.

I hope y'all get it worked out soon. Depression/anxiety really sucks.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

Thanks for the perspective, gals. He actually has a daughter from his previous marriage. Not really relevant, just FYI.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

And wow, pl&m, that poor kiddo.

I can't imagine. I'd probably feel guilty too if I were you, even though it's nothing to do with you and not your fault. Just the way the human mind works. : /

ToastieSimons · September 2013

Mine was first alcoholic. Then he got sober and then I had cancer. Then we had a special needs baby. He Finally cracked and got on medication. It was like a light switch as to what had been fueling his issues for years. The medication is not an easy fix. We still deal with a lot. There are days that I literally have to force him to get up. And I know his slump warning signs. It's a team thing.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

ToastieSimons said:
Mine was first alcoholic. Then he got sober and then I had cancer. Then we had a special needs baby. He Finally cracked and got on medication. It was like a light switch as to what had been fueling his issues for years. The medication is not an easy fix. We still deal with a lot. There are days that I literally have to force him to get up. And I know his slump warning signs. It's a team thing.

Holy cow, that's a lot to deal with. Fortunately our issues aren't that bad, and he doesn't struggle with getting out of bed or anything like that. He's always been very motivated (for work, at least), he just hates going out in social situations. I hope the medication side effects would be minimal. : /

ToastieSimons · September 2013

Hollylb3 said:

Mine was first alcoholic. Then he got sober and then I had cancer. Then we had a special needs baby. He Finally cracked and got on medication. It was like a light switch as to what had been fueling his issues for years. The medication is not an easy fix. We still deal with a lot. There are days that I literally have to force him to get up. And I know his slump warning signs. It's a team thing.
Holy cow, that's a lot to deal with. Fortunately our issues aren't that bad, and he doesn't struggle with getting out of bed or anything like that. He's always been very motivated (for work, at least), he just hates going out in social situations. I hope the medication side effects would be minimal. : /

medication didn't bring many side effects.,,but it was so. Hard. No matter what I said DH was a glass half empty kind of guy except it was extreme. He was snippy and short because he couldn't see the good side of anything and we did a lot of fighting. He told me that he hated asking people to watch DS1 (he has special needs) because he was our burden to bear. But that's how he viewed life, everything was his fight to take on but he couldn't carry it all. There was a lot o him cracking beyond this but unfirtunately it told him to talk to someone for months until it became an ultimatum. H has been on Prozac for over 2 years now and I think he handled it better when DS2'got the same diagnosis as DS1 than me. For us depression is him being at the bottom of a giant hole and everything that happens, good or bad just dug it deeper. Every task seemed insurmountable and he just felt like he deserved nothing. The Prozac helped him start halfway up the hole so that at least he had hope he cold climb out.

Hollylb3 · September 2013

@toastiesimons, I'm glad he's doing better. All you guys have been through would have been tough on anyone. Marriage is rough sometimes, but I suppose you'll be that much closer on the other side.

Want a personalized experience?

DH's with depression?

Re: DH's with depression?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards