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Am I overreacting?

August & AfterAugust & After member
in Baby Showers
DH's dad had called us to get dates for when we could go downstate for a shower (they live about 3 hrs away).   We give him dates that could work, as we have two showers up by us already planned, and DH gets this email from his mom today:

Dad said you are having 2 showers in Nov. What dates and are they surprise showers? Who is giving them, and will your sister and I be invited to one or both? Need to check on requesting Saturdays off. Don't plan on having one for her, since there is no one here except Grandma and Aunt D! But my siblings could be invited to one of them.

DH had told his dad before that the two showers being held, were small, etc.  One shower my friend is throwing, is just for friends, no family.  The shower my sister is throwing (at my mom's house about 1.5 hrs away from us, 4-4.5 from DH's family) was going to be for local family and a couple local friends.  We weren't going to include any of DH's family with the shower my sister is throwing, mainly because none of them were going to make the trip (some live up to 6.5 hrs away) and we didn't want them feeling obligated to send a gift.  Not to mention, my sister was trying to keep the guest list down.  If they want to give us anything, they can send it when the baby is born.

So, if DH's mom doesn't want to throw a shower because there is no one in their town besides his grandma and crazy (literally crazy) aunt...how does it make sense that she wants us to invite all her extended family (who lives 2 hrs away from DH's family and up to 6.5 hrs away from us) family all the way up to my mom's house, when these family members could drive (and would actually go) if DH's family put together a shower?  Just seemed odd.  

If they don't want to throw a shower period, that's totally fine, but I was a bit put off by her telling us who we could invite.  Furthermore, should she expect to be invited to a shower that really isn't all that close...a good 4 hour drive for them (let alone BOTH showers)?  I honestly wasn't thinking of including them for the shower my sister is throwing because they would expect to crash at my mom's house (they don't really do hotels anywhere, they always find a place to crash with friends/family) and I didn't think there would be any room with my sister's family and DH and I staying with my parents that weekend as well.

I ended up talking to my mom about it today and she said it was fine, and since they got a new living room couch, they actually have a sofa bed that SIL and MIL could use.  It'll be a full house, but she said it'd be fine.  So DH emailed MIL back and said (again....we had told his dad this before) that basically one shower was just friends and no family, and that the shower my sister is throwing was only supposed to be local people, but if they want to drive up they are welcome to and they could stay at my mom's, but that no other family on that side would be invited.

I talked to someone about it today and they said that MIL just probably expects, as the grandma-to-be, that she should be included in this stuff.  Which I get to some degree.... but if MIL decided to throw something, my mom would NEVER expect to be included. 

Thoughts?  Am I in the wrong to be kind of taken aback by all this?  I want no drama!  This is a drama free zone.
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Re: Am I overreacting?

  • MrsIMrsI member
    Usually grandmas to be are invited to most if not all showers. So her asking what Saturdays she would need to request off isn't so bad. Giving an additional guest list is a bit much. I'll leave it at that.
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  • August & AfterAugust & After member
    The other shower is small, maybe 10 people, just friends. My mom isn't invited nor would she intend to come. In my eyes, it's the equivalent to my office throwing me a shower (they are)...family simply isn't being included in that one.

    The feedback I've gotten from others I've talked to is that MIL and SIL should be invited to the one my sister is throwing but providing a place to stay shouldn't have been necessary. They could have dealt with it or decide not to come.

    Oh well.
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  • ceh789ceh789 member
    You need to call and talk to her. It sounds to me like miscommunication. I can easily see where FIL told MIL that you were having 2 showers already and MIL though that meant you didn't want one from her as well.
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  • dufferoodufferoo member
    edited September 2013
    I would definitely expect the grandma-to-be to be invited to your showers, but no, I guess if if you really wanted to exclude her, it wasn't her place to invite herself. Ok, and she probably shouldn't have mentioned her siblings. I'll give you that much! But I still seems to me that you are being a little mean about this. I also think it's not fair for you to be so annoyed that she's going to want to stay with your mom, when you are the one that basically made the arrangements and just announced them to her. Why make it so easy if you are going to be so annoyed about it?
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  • August & AfterAugust & After member
    Thanks ladies, I talked to DH tonight and he said all is likely fine, MIL just didn't understand that these weren't big showers, etc.

    I honestly think I'm projecting ahead into foreseeing having issues with them when the baby comes along and what they expect will happen (ie, her staying with us a week or them crashing with us in our condo when we are just home from the hospital) versus what our reality will be (no house guests). We haven't event talked about it with them yet, i just know it is coming.

    I'm also stressed about other stuff lately and this just set me off. Moving on!
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  • dufferoodufferoo member
    August & After said:
    I honestly think I'm projecting ahead into foreseeing having issues with them when the baby comes along and what they expect will happen (ie, her staying with us a week or them crashing with us in our condo when we are just home from the hospital) versus what our reality will be (no house guests). We haven't event talked about it with them yet, i just know it is coming.

    Now that, I understand! Now is a great time to practice saying NO!
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  • August & AfterAugust & After member
    I know. Dreading when that convo comes up. She has LOADS of vacation time accrued (in her job she doesn't lose it at the end of each year, she can carry it over) and had hinted a couple years ago that it would come in handy when we had a baby. Sigh.
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  • EastCoastBrideEastCoastBride member
    To echo others - her expectation to be invited isn't surprising to me. It is often the norm.  Her expectation to be put up, though, a bit forward.  I think your DH handled it fine, though.

    I also don't read her email as TELLING you to invite her siblings.  She's saying they "could be".  I just think that there has been some miscommunication and she just doesn't realize what the plans are.  As long as her reaction to your DH was basically "Oh- o.k.  That sounds good" - don't worry about it. 

    Which leads me to- I get your concerns about what will happen down the road, but I feel like you're projecting just a bit too much.  She may not "do hotels", but when your due date gets closer - if she talks about coming to see the baby, your DH just needs to tell her that you all will not be putting up any guests in your home.  Leave it at that - she can figure her accommodations out. 

    And she may not be surprised or upset!   Honestly- if i were traveling to a "family rich" area, I too might try to stay w/ family vs spending $$ on a hotel.  this doesn't make her wrong.  It's just what she's used to doing.  And she may be perfectly understanding that she can't stay with you.  She might actually NOT "expect" to.  You never know.


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  • Sam Buttons Sam Buttons member
    Reading your post, I would think there is some sort of existing rift between you and your MIL. That, or you're just not her biggest fan regardless of what is going on with your shower.

    That said, maybe she shouldn't have brought up other family members, but typically grandmothers to be are invited to all showers. I say you let it go and enjoy her and SILs company at your sister's shower.
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  • neverblushedneverblushed member
    Your sister should invite your MIL, DH's grandma, and Aunt D to the shower. MIL is indicating that she and the other closest female relatives are figuring on making the trip for it.  3 more people won't make the shower much bigger.  The friend shower should remain just a "friends" shower.

    Your H should tell his parents to talk to each other to eliminate confusion.

    It's clear that your MIL doesn't feel obligated to invite any relatives to a shower and that there are not enough people on your H's side to warrant having an entire shower, which is normal. 

    Don't take this personally.  These logistics are normal.
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  • August & AfterAugust & After member
    edited September 2013
    To be fair, there is enough people to have a shower on H's side, and they would go to a shower if MIL wanted to host it.

    No rift between MIL and myself, I think she just has expectations and vice versa. DH emailed her the situation and there's been no more questions since. The thing he stressed is that WE are not the ones planning this, so we are staying out of it. MIL and SIL are invited, and my mom offered to put them up.

    Also, my MIL doesn't even have a great relationship with the grandma and the aunt on my FIL side, which is why i thought it was a bit odd that she said those two would be the only ones to go to a shower if she threw one (but isnt planning on it) but we should invite MIL family that is even further away from us to the shower being thrown up here, while they live within easy driving distance of her.

    I think she just doesn't want to host anything. Which again, that's fine. But don't add to a guest list for a gathering you aren't throwing. It was never the intention of my mom/sister to turn it into a huge affair involving all families.

    I'm basically over it, we've said what we know and leaving it up to her if she and SIL want to come. We went through the same thing with my bridal shower. (I approached her to find out what dates would work as it was a combo bachelorette party day bc I didn't want SIL to feel like she had to make two trips and it ended up that MIL wouldn't take time off with dates I had suggested that work work for all other bridesmaids, so the date got changed like three times, it was a bit of a mess) It's like stepping back in time. Hahaha
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  • BC&LMBC&LM member
    MrsI said:

    Usually grandmas to be are invited to most if not all showers. So her asking what Saturdays she would need to request off isn't so bad. Giving an additional guest list is a bit much. I'll leave it at that.

    What she said.
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