Advice from Strangers: Useful or Annoying? (half-rant/half-curiosity on the subject)

SPNfangurl · September 2013

Annoying in my opinion

So this happened two days ago me and bf were on a walk since it was so nice out and this lady saw us walking and she could see Mini-Bump because I was wearing a shirt that shows off Mini-Bump and she said if a baby cries to splash cold water in their face and they will learn not to cry so I looked at her and asked (very nicely might I add) that if I splashed cold water in her face if she would learn to stop talking. I laughed about it later at how dumb it was but at the time all I felt was anger at this strange woman giving me advice meant for cats (I work with kids for a living after all and know this isn't true)

So then the next day my bf and I went grocery shopping and we were in the aisle with shampoo and stuff. So this lady and her husband enter the aisle and her husband ignores us but the lady decides oh I'll just give these young people some advice on babies. She says that after the baby is born and if their ears stick out to tape them back and so I was going to respond to her when my bf starts flapping his arms saying he was being attacked by bees (he wasn't) and I gave him a look before responding to the lady and asked if I taped back her nose if she wouldn't stick into other people's business. We left the lady speechless and her husband laughing and my bf said he was done taking me into public until LO was born.

Usually I am more calm but since that thing with the little girl sticking up for me and Mini-Bump I have felt more confident and ready to say how I feel. Sorry for how long it is just needed to rant about people where I live. So how do you all feel with strangers giving you advice?

SPNfangurl · September 2013

Leftie22 said:

I think offering advice without being asked is always annoying. My BIL was trying to tell me what to do for morning sickness, and this is my second pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I know more than him. Definitely annoying.

My soon to be SIL said that orange juice is bad for pregnant ladies because it makes the baby stupid as they get older and that it will make them act high. Why do people think giving unasked for advice is helpful?

notkateanymore · September 2013

It's annoying, but the way y'all acted was way worse.

SPNfangurl · September 2013

@KateMW I know I was rude and I feel bad about it. If I ever see them again I am going to apologize.

KKcowgirl · September 2013

SPNfangurl said:

Leftie22 said:

I think offering advice without being asked is always annoying. My BIL was trying to tell me what to do for morning sickness, and this is my second pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I know more than him. Definitely annoying.

My soon to be SIL said that orange juice is bad for pregnant ladies because it makes the baby stupid as they get older and that it will make them act high. Why do people think giving unasked for advice is helpful?

OJ makes babies stupid & act high??? That is the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

SPNfangurl · September 2013

KKcowgirl said:

SPNfangurl said:

Leftie22 said:

I think offering advice without being asked is always annoying. My BIL was trying to tell me what to do for morning sickness, and this is my second pregnancy. I'm pretty sure I know more than him. Definitely annoying.

My soon to be SIL said that orange juice is bad for pregnant ladies because it makes the baby stupid as they get older and that it will make them act high. Why do people think giving unasked for advice is helpful?

OJ makes babies stupid & act high??? That is the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

I know but she's young and has never really been around infants or pregnant women

azzyberry · September 2013

Yes it's annoying but it's not worth getting upset over or being rude about. People are always going to want to give you advice. It doesn't stop once you have children. Just ignore it and move on.

imakeeff0rts · September 2013

I really like your responses.

I don't understand why people suddenly think that once someone is pregnant that it's ok to touch them, give them advice, and be generally annoying.

My husband's cousin who I "met" once (read: waved at from across a crowded room after my husband pointed and said "And that's my cousin soandso") felt that we truly had a bonding moment and were besties. She added me on fb (I begrudgingly accepted), and then made the mistake of posting a picture of everything we did with the nursery. It immediately started pouring in - our lotion was the wrong brand, wipes were the wrong brand, our diapers weren't cloth, our carrier wasn't a Moby and didn't count as a carried (wtf?), our walls aren't painted (we live in military housing and will only be here a short time - it would have been more trouble than it's worth), the clothes in the closet weren't arranged correctly, we needed to rearrange the room and that everything we we're doing or have is completely wrong.

It was fucking ridiculous. There's no other way to describe it. I tried to be patient about it, but then she started getting pushy and downright rude, so I gave it all right back to her. Eventually, she got butthurt and ran to my husband who told her that she was in the wrong, and then had the gall to involve my MIL who told her the same thing.

People are so dumb. You'd think that they would have been irritated by that crap when they were pregnant, but apparently that's part of the pregnancy amnesia, too.

ETA: I'm dumbfounded that she actually told to you splash water at an infant. I'm sure her awesome parenting worked out for her.

PetuniaFeatherbottom · September 2013

I think it's good that you spoke up. I'm tired of hearing "advice" from old ladies at work who think I want to hear about their experiences. On Wednesday, our school got out early for heat (no ac, rooms more than 100 degrees. Terrible.) and before we learned we were getting out, I went to the faculty room to get a drink. I had already had two big bottles of water and I wanted some diet coke. Yes, I should have had more water. But I wanted some dc, and I was to have it! Long story slightly shorter, this old bat in a crowded room yells over, "you know you shouldn't drink soda!" I wanted to say, "you know you should mind your business!" But I didn't say anything. OP, I know it's hard to keep your cool. People really should keep it to themselves unless asked.

jacquilee83 · September 2013

I don't think your responses were anymore rude than their stupid advice. If they want to offer unwanted drivel, they should be prepared for any response you find fitting! I find myself biting my tongue a lot but as pregnancy progresses it gets harder. I have been astounded by how pregnant women are treated. If another perfect stranger tries to touch me I might just do something drastic!

msronzio · September 2013

It's annoying, but the way y'all acted was way worse.

This.

Your responses seem kind of dramatically contrived. I hope you made them after the fact, and just threw them in to make your post more interesting. I could see saying "wow, I'd never pour water on my baby's face," as a response, but these strangers weren't being outrightly rude. They were just giving you their unwarranted, BSC advice, trying to be their version of helpful.

I haven't gotten crazy advice. I'm prepared for it, however, with a well-groomed simple statement that allows me to smile at them and still have class. "Thank you for your thoughts." When I've used this in the past, people don't really know how to respond to it, so they just stop talking and awkwardly float away.

I don't imagine the strangers fabricating these claims as being the type of people who, in the reverse situation, entertain the same plain of advice. In the same respect, when people comment on the appearance of a pregnant woman, they don't really take into consideration how they'd feel if a similar appearance comment was made to them. i.e. "Wow, you've gotten so big! Are you sure you're not EDD for this week!?" While it may be tempting to respond "Wow, your face is so shitty and ugly! Are you sure your mother didn't procreate with a billy goat!?" in this kind of situation, it's better to make the situation awkward. It's more likely to be resolved! Instead of redirecting their rudeness with the two-wrongs mentality, just stare at them. They're more likely to think twice the next time they berate a pregnant woman with unwarranted comments because they now realize they're out of line, and it's not just that you deserved it, or you're hormonal (my personal favorite).

A PP was correct. It doesn't end when you have the child. You're always going to get awful, unwanted advice from strangers who think they're being helpful. Just once, try the "thank you for your thoughts". If they keep talking, say it again. Be nothing more than an uninterested, repetitive, boring soundboard. They will leave you alone!

I'm not saying you have to put up with annoying people; you can respond and still maintain your dignity.

msronzio · September 2013

PetuniaFeatherbottom said:

I think it's good that you spoke up. I'm tired of hearing "advice" from old ladies at work who think I want to hear about their experiences. On Wednesday, our school got out early for heat (no ac, rooms more than 100 degrees. Terrible.) and before we learned we were getting out, I went to the faculty room to get a drink. I had already had two big bottles of water and I wanted some diet coke. Yes, I should have had more water. But I wanted some dc, and I was to have it! Long story slightly shorter, this old bat in a crowded room yells over, "you know you shouldn't drink soda!" I wanted to say, "you know you should mind your business!" But I didn't say anything. OP, I know it's hard to keep your cool. People really should keep it to themselves unless asked.

See, I think this response would have been great. It's not rude or demeaning. It just, is what it is. You should have said that!

ETA A related story.

I was talking with a local farmer who's a mutual friend of my mom. I had a sierra mist in my hand. I usually aim for around 80oz of water a day, and somewhere throughout the day, I might allow myself soda or juice. We were talking about food because my boyfriend and I eat mostly organic/healthy. This gentleman actually says to me "you should really just throw the soda away. Seriously. You're predisposing your son to sugar."

All I could think about was fucking really? Sierra mist was like crack to me when I wasn't pregnant. Now that it's 89 degrees out, my feet hurt, I have a cramp in my buttcheek (which I didn't even realize was possible), and sometime within the next two months, I'll be pushing a 9lb child out of my tiny vagina... I think I'm allowed to have a soda every now and then!

Obviously I just smiled and continued to drink my SM (while feeling begrudgingly guilty). I didn't comment on the fact that he's a male and will never understand being pregnant! lol

SPNfangurl · September 2013

UPDATE: So I talked with my therapist about how I acted and she said that I feel defensive about advice because growing up I was bullied and a so-called friend gave me advice on how I should act and be more like her. Well long story short I ended up being embarrassed in front of the guy I liked because of her and so my therapist said that because I think back to the moment in my life that I snap at innocent people who try to offer me advice because I think it will end up hurting me and mini-bump or people I love. I did see that lady who suggested splashing water in the babies face and apologized and she laughed saying she understood how a pregnant woman acted sometimes and that her husband found it funny when she told him later that evening. I hope I see that other lady so I can apologize to her as well for how I acted. My therapist suggested that instead of saying something rude I should ask the person how they came across their advice and if it worked for them or if I truly felt like the advice was dumb to say thank you and walk away ignoring what was said to me

msronzio · September 2013

@Leftie22 I think the fact that she apologized was a very mature and graceful move. It's good karma and builds esteem. If giving advice is rude, I understand where the "you're all negative, awful, horrible bitches" outlook comes from on these public message boards. Did it ever occur that people give advice because it's an icebreaker? Or maybe they are trying to relate? The responses OP made were, IMO, extremely rude compared to the tame context of the strangers' comments. And for the record, if one listens to people when they start to talk instead of just dismissing them right off the bat, one may find a few non-BSC strangers giving well-meaning, useful advice, that they would have given anything to have a stranger dispense to them on the street.

Stupid advice from strangers should not be a total shock the moment you get pregnant. Strangers will always give worthless shitty advice. Whether it's on your car, your computer, your choice of music, etc. Everyone has an opinion.

Bravo @SPNfangurl. It seems like this is a deep seated emotional hurdle that you're well on your way to overcoming. Good momentum! The patience will be priceless when LO comes.

calimama2007 · September 2013

You.are.awesome.

imakeeff0rts · September 2013

OP, I still stand by my statement that your responses weren't entirely inappropriate. Personally, I'd imagine that it's a hormonal thing, but then again I'm not a therapist.

The baby-splasher, imo, particularly deserved the snark. Splashing water in a baby's face for crying? Really? She particularly deserved the snark - and I'm sure she never thought about how it would make her feel if someone splashed water in her face if she were crying. I'm sure she wouldn't like it.

ASmallWonder · September 2013

I don't understand why people think advice is rude. Can advice be stupid? Yes. Can it be a little presumptive? Yes. But they believe they are helping you. They aren't commenting on you or your baby. They are commenting on themselves and THEIR babies and sharing something they think will help. The advice is crap but it's not ill intentioned or rude. The only time I think advice could be viewed as rude is if it's linked to a criticism like "You look fat. You should eat more vegetables and less crap."

msronzio · September 2013

@Leftie22 What the fuck? I was comparing your opinion that these strangers were dispensing "rude" advice and the opinions of a lot of the drive-by posters on the bump getting responses they didn't like and calling them rude. This, to me, is a severely skewed perception. It doesn't come as a shock that you twisted my words as well.

Also, don't bother with the holier than thou I'm not a parent yet so I clearly don't understand. LOL! Maybe I just have lots more patience and class than you think.
Oh my, you have been pregnant once before I have, and you have a toddler, you must know it all. Are you kidding me? Get over yourself.

Also, I'm seriously rolling my eyes at being pregnant or having kids doesn't make you public property all of a sudden. Wow. Just.. wow. This is dramatic.

msronzio · September 2013

I don't understand why people think advice is rude. Can advice be stupid? Yes. Can it be a little presumptive? Yes. But they believe they are helping you. They aren't commenting on you or your baby. They are commenting on themselves and THEIR babies and sharing something they think will help. The advice is crap but it's not ill intentioned or rude. The only time I think advice could be viewed as rude is if it's linked to a criticism like "You look fat. You should eat more vegetables and less crap."

Well put. A poster on another board said a stranger actually asked her if she was giving birth to a baby or an elephant, and that she looked like shit. I think people need to back the fuck up if they think unwanted advice is rude. People are way too sensitive.

imakeeff0rts · September 2013

msronzio said:

I don't understand why people think advice is rude. Can advice be stupid? Yes. Can it be a little presumptive? Yes. But they believe they are helping you. They aren't commenting on you or your baby. They are commenting on themselves and THEIR babies and sharing something they think will help. The advice is crap but it's not ill intentioned or rude. The only time I think advice could be viewed as rude is if it's linked to a criticism like "You look fat. You should eat more vegetables and less crap."

Well put. A poster on another board said a stranger actually asked her if she was giving birth to a baby or an elephant, and that she looked like shit. I think people need to back the fuck up if they think unwanted advice is rude. People are way too sensitive.

IMO, it's rude when someone tells you how to discipline your child (i.e. splashing water in their face when they cry to "train" them), or like DH's cousin that flew off the deep end when I just did the nod and smile thing instead of jumping right on all of her "advice".

I agree that people are generally well-intentioned, but it's eyeroll worthy. I don't know the person, they don't know me, why do they think it's ok to tell me how I should do things? It's pretty presumptuous and I don't deal well with presumptuous. Although I haven't really said anything to anyone other than DH's cousin when she went bat shit crazy on us.

msronzio · September 2013

imakeeff0rts said:

msronzio said:

I don't understand why people think advice is rude. Can advice be stupid? Yes. Can it be a little presumptive? Yes. But they believe they are helping you. They aren't commenting on you or your baby. They are commenting on themselves and THEIR babies and sharing something they think will help. The advice is crap but it's not ill intentioned or rude. The only time I think advice could be viewed as rude is if it's linked to a criticism like "You look fat. You should eat more vegetables and less crap."

Well put. A poster on another board said a stranger actually asked her if she was giving birth to a baby or an elephant, and that she looked like shit. I think people need to back the fuck up if they think unwanted advice is rude. People are way too sensitive.

IMO, it's rude when someone tells you how to discipline your child (i.e. splashing water in their face when they cry to "train" them), or like DH's cousin that flew off the deep end when I just did the nod and smile thing instead of jumping right on all of her "advice".

I agree that people are generally well-intentioned, but it's eyeroll worthy. I don't know the person, they don't know me, why do they think it's ok to tell me how I should do things? It's pretty presumptuous and I don't deal well with presumptuous. Although I haven't really said anything to anyone other than DH's cousin when she went bat shit crazy on us.

I can see how others may feel it is rude, but clearly these people don't go out of their way to be rude. Like I said, people will always make comments and try to give unwarranted advice -- becoming pregnant does not suddenly make society against you. It has just always been that way.

I can only see giving a response like the one I provided. I might not want their advice, but they could have been a lot more rude to me.

I'm trying to think of a good example but I can't muster one. I'm sure I've given advice in a grocery store before about a certain product, or something to that effect. If the person went off of me and said something that translated to "no thank you for your fucking advice" it probably would have really bothered me. If that's their response to a stranger trying to be helpful, they just sound like a really miserable person.

And that's what I gathered from the OP's responses, which were unacceptable; and once again, bravo to her for owning up to it. There are times when responses like these are appropriate i.e. someone threatening me or my family. This was not one of those times.

I didn't read the other poster's response because I have shit to do.

Edited because I forgot the word don't lol

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