unexpected pregnancy & friendship issues

flcl · August 2013

Have any of you seen the article in Time magazine regarding women who choose to be childless? I always thought I was one of those women. Then I met and married my husband. This was the first time that I thought, maybe it would be pretty cool to have kids with him. However, it never actually changed my feelings for NOT wanting to be a mom. My husband and I have discussed that we would both be happy whether or not we had children so we decided just to see what would happen. A LOT of time went by and nothing happened. Both of our parents had a difficult time conceiving and I thought that was our answer. Then, out of nowhere, we find out I'm pregnant. My husband is thrilled and has been so supportive. The same goes for our family and the majority of our friends. What has been really difficult is that one of my closest friends, who does NOT want children of her own, can't help but remind me of her choice all of the time now. She brings it up every time I see her, she posts comments, cartoons and articles on wanting to stay childless, she's even told my husband and our mutual friends that she's angry with me and my baby. I know that my pregnancy is difficult for her, but it was difficult for me to wrap my mind around as well. She's treating my pregnancy as something I have done against her. But then on the flip side, she keeps telling me she wants to know everything that's happening with the pregnancy and can't wait to meet my baby. I'm having a difficult time knowing what to say to her, as she will spin it and then just shut me out completely, but I'm not sure how I can be a supportive friend to her while she's dealing with her difficult feelings. Ideas?

jasrun80 · August 2013

If possible, it probably will save your friendship for you to let her get through this while trying to respond non-judgmentally. It sound like she is struggling with the loss of your "old bond" of being childess together forever,,, and that, in a way she feels betrayed or left out. But clearly she still wants to be involved, and I'm imagining you are such friends that you really don't want this to end your friendship. I think that if you write her a nice note in a card expressing that this pregnancy is also a surprise to you but that you are SO grateful to get this chance. Be honest,,, and then include how important it is that you have her support because your relationship is so important to you. That you hope she is one of the first people you can turn to when you have issues as anew mom, because its hard,,, and you trust & love her. I'd also somehow request her stopping the passive aggressive cartoons etc. explain that you feel uncomfortable about it and that you'd much rather bullshit over other types of things that make your friendship more fun... But most of all express how much you care for her & that you don't want the things she is doing to continue. My fiend called me out in a sensitive way when I was feeling insecure in our friendship and when she also explained how important I was to her, it relieved my jealousies and really helped me to stop being a weird annoying freak. Better friends than ever since

good luck!

rayschicky · August 2013

When she starts spouting off about the childless stuff I'd just say, "I can totally see where you're coming from, but I bet this little guy/gal has lots in store for us." If you feel she's angry you could straight up ask or just ignore it and focus on your growing family until she gets over it. If she's a good friend she'll come around. Especially when she sees how cute your kid is and how she gets to go home at the end of the day and not have to play mom 24/7.

grumbledore · August 2013

My best friend is like this. She was actually in the room when my daughter was born (she's 9 now) and still makes comments about how horrible it was and how it's so awesome I don't have any other kids etc etc. It really pisses me off.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

I wouldn't say anything about what she posts. She still wants to remain childless and she is entitled to her feelings and opinions.

However, I wouldn't tolerate her telling your mutual friends and especially your husband that she is mad at you and the baby. Honestly, I would talk to her about it but I also wouldn't let her berate you either. You changed your mind, simple as that.

If I were you, I would keep an eye on her and have strong boundaries. If she proves to be kind and respectful of your decision, then great; but if she is continues to give you a hard time, I would seriously reconsider having her as a friend.

Kristinmo · August 2013

Nicb13 said:

Sounds like a really shitty friend but honestly, maybe she's jealous? Maybe she's questioning her decision to stay childless and is looking to blame someone and there you are.

This. However, I do think you need to be honest with her that the things she is doing/saying are bothering you.

flcl · August 2013

Thanks All

I really appreciate all of your comments and advice. I guess I'm struggling with telling her NICELY that I feel what she's doing is bothering me. When I was about 6 weeks along, physically sick from all-day sickness and had to reschedule with her, she texted me that she hated pregnant people. She then texted again stating that I've already "turned into one of them." I apologized but told her that I was upset... I wasn't canceling for nothing and I would love to see her when I've stopped vomiting every 5 mins. Other than having to reschedule our plans that one time, I've worked really hard to keep our friendship the same. I'm not sure how often I need to tell her and prove to her that she's an important friend. She's complained about her other friends when they were pregnant, saying that their pregnancy was all they talked about. I'm also hesitant in keeping her involved since she asked that of a few of her other close friends... when they did so, she would act one way towards them and then complain about how she didn't want to hear about it to me. A part of thinks that what jansrun80 might be a way to go, but I've already told these things to her verbally. It's just tough to know whether or not all of this is worth it with her but then I feel like I'm being the crappy friend for thinking this way...

grumbledore said:

My best friend is like this. She was actually in the room when my daughter was born (she's 9 now) and still makes comments about how horrible it was and how it's so awesome I don't have any other kids etc etc. It really pisses me off.

Have you said anything to your bestie? How are you still able to be so close to her?

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

Sweetie, I'm sorry but this isn't a friend. Why are you bending over backwards to make her happy? You need to stop it and gather some self respect. How old is she anyways ? She has the mentality of a middle schooler and really high maintenance. I am also willing to bet that most of your friendship has been one sided anyways.

Seriously, let this one go. Some people grow apart and that is ok. One woman I was very good friends with in high school, I don't talk to anymore. As we grew older the more I realized I didn't enjoy her company and found talking to her exhausting. I too had to walk on eggshells because she seemed to always take offense at the smallest things ? So I slowly ended the friendship and don't regret it either.

sykadelic · August 2013

The question I would have you ask yourself is this: why are you okay with making all this effort to accommodate her, but also okay with her making zero effort to accommodate you?

Yes, it's true that your pregnancy has changed the relationship, but it's not your "fault". Your pregnancy simply showed some very upsetting traits that you wouldn't have otherwise seen/felt.

It's understandable that she would be wary of how your pregnancy will change your friendship, but a mature adult would discuss that with you. That she misses you. Then talk about the changes you're going through.

One of my friends has drifted away since I got married. She isn't married, has never had a serious boyfriend, has no kids... basically we're living totally different lives. There's nothing wrong with that, it's sad of course, the end of an era, but you can't force a relationship to work when there's so much wrong with it.

So yes, I'm for drifting away as friends. I think someone so negative, someone unable to share your joy... isn't someone that you want in your or your child's life

MandiNewMommy · August 2013

Okay first off she does not sound like a really good friend to me. Saying things like she hates you and your baby really? I can understand how she would be worried things will change and trust me they will. Life changes when you have a LO. If she is already acting this way now, chances are thing will get worse, not better. Hate to be blunt but maybe it is time to cut your losses and move on.

grumbledore · August 2013

flcl said:

Thanks All
I really appreciate all of your comments and advice. I guess I'm struggling with telling her NICELY that I feel what she's doing is bothering me. When I was about 6 weeks along, physically sick from all-day sickness and had to reschedule with her, she texted me that she hated pregnant people. She then texted again stating that I've already "turned into one of them." I apologized but told her that I was upset... I wasn't canceling for nothing and I would love to see her when I've stopped vomiting every 5 mins. Other than having to reschedule our plans that one time, I've worked really hard to keep our friendship the same. I'm not sure how often I need to tell her and prove to her that she's an important friend. She's complained about her other friends when they were pregnant, saying that their pregnancy was all they talked about. I'm also hesitant in keeping her involved since she asked that of a few of her other close friends... when they did so, she would act one way towards them and then complain about how she didn't want to hear about it to me. A part of thinks that what jansrun80 might be a way to go, but I've already told these things to her verbally. It's just tough to know whether or not all of this is worth it with her but then I feel like I'm being the crappy friend for thinking this way...

grumbledore said:

My best friend is like this. She was actually in the room when my daughter was born (she's 9 now) and still makes comments about how horrible it was and how it's so awesome I don't have any other kids etc etc. It really pisses me off.

Have you said anything to your bestie? How are you still able to be so close to her?

I haven't. Honestly we're not as close as we used to be. I still call her my best friend out of habit and she's like family but when she says these things it is really upsetting. You might have inspired me to say something next time.

cinderella4282 · August 2013

My aunt and her husband have chosen not to have children......but she loves to spoil my DD! She was a little opinionated about her decision not to have kids while I was pregnant, but Miss "A" won her over.......maybe your friend will see that getting to play with your little one without the late night crying sessions isn't the worst thing ever,

It is ok to call her out though. If you have to honor her opinion, then she needs to honor yours.

LilacStar11 · August 2013

cinderella4282 said:

My aunt and her husband have chosen not to have children......but she loves to spoil my DD! She was a little opinionated about her decision not to have kids while I was pregnant, but Miss "A" won her over.......maybe your friend will see that getting to play with your little one without the late night crying sessions isn't the worst thing ever,
It is ok to call her out though. If you have to honor her opinion, then she needs to honor yours.

Quoted for truth! I am sure she would not appreciate if you called her out for refusing to have kids. She should respect you if you are as close as you say. Best of luck though. It is really hard to grow apart from someone you love!

Ducktale · August 2013

Agree with PPs. I did have some similar issues with a friend, and honestly, the friendship was a lot of work, and I did feel like I always had to walk on egg shells or apologize, even if the things I was apologizing for I was not actually sorry about. I was telling myself I was "being the bigger person" but really, I was letting her treat me poorly and I didn't deserve that. It was exhausting trying to maintain that friendship. Eventually I just let it go and stopped apologizing for things I was not sorry about, and let it be okay if she was mad at me for things when I knew I did not actually do anything wrong. I continued to reach out to her to make plans or to catch up for awhile, but we drifted apart. Sometimes I miss her, but more than that, I miss the way our friendship used to be. I don't regret letting us drift apart. I have made a lot of friends since who treat me better and don't take all of my energy.

SmileyJay · August 2013

I'm sorry, why are you friends with this childish woman?

She is mad at you for making a decision with your body that is between you and your husband. A life altering decision that can not be taken back. What is the point of making you feel bad about it? You are having a child with a man you love, you have nothing to feel bad about!

I kind of get if you told her "I am thinking of having a child" and her pressuring you not to. Even then, not her place... but when the decision is made and you are going to have a child, she is acting like a crazy person to exude anything but support for you!

Sounds like she might me second guessing her decision or have made the decision to be child free just to jump on the boat with others. Now she is afraid of being left out. Her behavior is really odd.

I would bet anything that after baby is here you start distancing yourself from people like this. Usually that happens just simply because you dont have time or energy to deal with the nonsense.

flcl · August 2013

Thanks Everyone for taking the time to respond with your helpful advice. I really do appreciate it.

I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to bring up some of the mean comments she's made in the past. I think that at this point, it may be best for me to keep my mouth shut unless more negative comments come up. Funny thing is, her best friend just called her out for being passive aggressive on another issue they were dealing with. She has so many great qualities about her and we've been through a lot together, but she can also be immature and self-centered. You ladies are right, I shouldn't have to put up with it. I've decided that I will continue to be a good friend to her as long as she's trying to do the same and that I won't be sticking around if she can't!

CowgirlK39 · August 2013

She's no friend. Friends respect each others decisions, even if they do not agree. What she is doing is downright rude and ignorant. I say cut her loose. You do not need to live your life feeling bad for a completely normal decision.

flcl · September 2013

So, I totally chickened out of saying something. I spent some time with this friend over the weekend and I was pretty uncomfortable the entire time which is really upsetting. I avoided talking about my pregnancy the whole time because I was afraid she would say something negative. The moment the topic came up though, she threw in "you and your stupid baby". I was so thrown off, I just changed the subject. I stuck around for another hour and a half, drove home crying. I wish I said something, but at the same time, those are her feelings. I think I'll be taking a break from seeing this person for awhile... I'm still exhausted from spending time with her.

Ducktale · September 2013

Cut her out. That is so inappropriate. That's NEVER okay to say to ANYONE, more or less someone should be you friend. If she had a hobby you didn't care about you would never say that to her, and a baby is far more significant than a hobby. That is beyond a "bad friend", she's just a mean, selfish, rude person. I'm sorry you've essentially lost your best friend during such a crucial time in your life when you really could use support.

CowgirlK39 · September 2013

Oh my word. How awful. Just know that you are not in the wrong... She is so far out of line, its disgusting. Who seriously says something like that? That's so rude and selfish, it's beyond repair. She's an ass, and you would be better off keeping away from her. I just cannot get over how horrible some people can be.

flcl · September 2013

Update:
I finally got the guts to tell her how I feel about the comments she's been making. She responded exactly like how I thought she would. This girl has definitely mastered the art of blaming others yet somehow making everything about herself.
She stated that she's not going to stop voicing her opinions on pregnancy and having children because those are her feelings. That's fine, I wasn't asking her to do that. I just wanted to know that some of her negative comments towards me were hurtful. She then asked for examples of specific comments.... I knew this was a slippery slope, but I gave her a couple (I hate pregnant people, you and your stupid baby). She tells me that I'm the reason why she said those comments, they were jokes and that she wouldn't have said them if it weren't for me. Her final statement was, "sorry I make you uncomfortable, apparently I'm just a shitty friend to everyone". It's pretty clear that she's doesn't care to take responsibility for her hurtful words. I've decided to stop communicating with her at this point.
On one hand, I'm sad that this happened to our friendship. On the other hand, I'll have a lot negativity to deal with in my life! Thanks to all the PPs for your time and advice!

kayoun36 · September 2013

@flcl I'm glad you decided to confront her! I'm sure you will be sad for a minute, but I hope you find greater peace not having to deal with her bullshit anymore.

brownmouse · September 2013

My best friend never wants kids. When I got pregnant with B she pretty much acted the same way as your friend is acting. Constantly reminding me that she hates kids, and doesn't ever want to be pregnant, etc. I just let it go at the time, because like you, I didn't know what to do about it. B is 4 now, and my friend is seriously the best "aunt" ever. She loves her to pieces and though she still says she doesn't want kids if you ask her, and seems to think all other kids are gross, she loves B and that is what matters. Now that we are TTC #2, I am not telling her because I think that she will think I am weird for wanting another, etc, and don't feel like hearing more about how she doesn't like kids. I'll tell her once I am pregnant, and I know she will be excited for me and love this new one as much as she loves B.

I have a feeling that maybe your friend is just feeling insecure about your friendship, and maybe needs some reassurance that you will still be around for her when baby comes. She might end up loving your child as much as you do.

Edit: Well, I just read that you talked to her about it. So sorry about losing your friend. But I will say, don't cross her friendship out completely. She may just come around after you have the baby and she realizes that accepting you and your baby wont get HER pregnant. Hahaha! Good on your for confronting her and defending yourself though.

Ducktale · September 2013

@brownmouse you DD is adorable and I love that her name is Basil. That's so perfect! So cute.

flcl · September 2013

brownmouse said:

My best friend never wants kids. When I got pregnant with B she pretty much acted the same way as your friend is acting. Constantly reminding me that she hates kids, and doesn't ever want to be pregnant, etc. I just let it go at the time, because like you, I didn't know what to do about it. B is 4 now, and my friend is seriously the best "aunt" ever. She loves her to pieces and though she still says she doesn't want kids if you ask her, and seems to think all other kids are gross, she loves B and that is what matters. Now that we are TTC #2, I am not telling her because I think that she will think I am weird for wanting another, etc, and don't feel like hearing more about how she doesn't like kids. I'll tell her once I am pregnant, and I know she will be excited for me and love this new one as much as she loves B.

I have a feeling that maybe your friend is just feeling insecure about your friendship, and maybe needs some reassurance that you will still be around for her when baby comes. She might end up loving your child as much as you do.

Edit: Well, I just read that you talked to her about it. So sorry about losing your friend. But I will say, don't cross her friendship out completely. She may just come around after you have the baby and she realizes that accepting you and your baby wont get HER pregnant. Hahaha! Good on your for confronting her and defending yourself though.

Thanks for your reply. First off, I LOVE your daughter's name, so cute!

You're probably right that she may end up loving my child after it's born. I guess that's not really my concern. I know that it may sound weird that I'm saying this but I don't need her to love my baby, I just need her to be a supportive friend who doesn't ask me to defend myself when she says things that I find hurtful. My concern is how to remain friends with someone who clearly doesn't care about my feelings and constantly puts blame on others for her words and actions. I support that she doesn't want kids and completely understand where she's coming from. I'm fine with her telling me how horribly disgusting she thinks it is to be pregnant, give birth and raise children. It stings though when she starts saying negative things about me being pregnant or makes comments about my "stupid baby". I get that this is difficult for her, I'm the last one of her closest friends without children. As painful as it was for me to hear a friend say those things to me, our friends and my husband, I don't really blame her. It just bothers me that she blames me for feeling hurt.

Disneygeek77 · September 2013

She sounds like a dingbat and self absorbed. I'm willing to bet your life will be better without her in it.

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