Having a hard time (ticker warning)

angelsnight · September 2013

I thought I was doing better lately, it's been over five months, and that raw shock and disbelief has faded somewhat (though still comes back with a vengence). But lately I've been so angry and annoyed by the littlest things....people talking too loud at work, coughing, clearing their throats, saying something annoying....it all drives me insane. I just want to scream at everyone to shut up. I sometimes sit and day dream about someone saying something insensitive to me so I can lash out at them, just so I have someone to take my anger out on. But I also know how I am when it comes to confrontation, and I am usually too dumbstruck to say anything "rude" and always have that worry of offending the other person. Like when this woman at work said to me, "you actually named her"? I was so shocked, my knee jerk reaction was to defend myself and be like well she was already named, so....and I'm so angry at myself for saying that. Why should I have to justify naming my daughter? It's been months since that happened and I still think about it most days.

Is it odd that I cry almost everyday on my way home from work? By the time I get off, I'm tired and very mellow on my drive....I'm not worried about getting home 5 minutes later so I'm just sort of laid back and have 40 minutes to think every afternoon. I think about my baby....almost every sad/slow song on the radio reminds me of her, even if it's a break up song about an ex, I can find a way to make it fit her. I bounce back and forth between missing her, my mom, my grandparents....I try to be grateful for everyone I still have with me, I have an amazing husband, father, brother and friends, but I feel like I'm missing so many people.

My grandma and I were very very close, and despite being 83, she was in relatively good health, so it really crushed and shocked me when she died suddenly last summer...she was always the one I would call when I needed someone to talk to and I wish I could talk to her now about Kayla. It comforts me some to know that so many people I love are up in Heaven with my baby girl, but I want them all here with me.

I guess there isn't much point to this post, I kind of feel like I'm all over the place and very few people in real life understand.

Bayberry12 · September 2013

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It does come and go out of nowhere. I do a lot of the same things you do; play situations in my mind, and imagine how I would react. I had a close friend act very surprised that I consider my daughter my first child - it's no like I go around saying I have a daughter or talking about her all the time, but I was telling my friend how I was sad that any other child I may have will never know their sister. And she just could not believe that I think of her as my child.

Having a good cry is necessary sometimes, even every day for a while. Sometimes you just have to let those feelings out. Hugs to you.

bunnybun4 · September 2013

((hugs)) sorry you are having a rough time...

i'm glad you mentioned wanting to lash out at people...sometimes I go over insensitive things people have said or done over and over in my head and wish that they would bring it up somehow so I can tell them how shitty they acted and how they have no clue how much pain I am in. it just really sucks how people just don't get it...at all...

I cry a lot on the way home from work as well...I think it has to do with having to bottle it up all day and act like everything is normal...the smallest things can set me off.

hope you start feeling a little better soon...

Noethola · September 2013

I am so sorry. Big ((hugs))!

After long days at work I definitely break down in the car or right when I get home. I just need a way to release all the crazy and pent up things from the day. You are not alone.

jbranden12 · September 2013

((hugs)). It's normal for anger to grow and fade with time. I can't believe that woman said that to you. I would've probably been just as shocked and reacted like you did, then come up with long ragey rants that I should've said later on. I also did a lot of thinking, crying, and grieving in the car. On the way to and from work. Music helps me let out my emotions and I would put on the songs that remind me of Patricia. Also, congrats on moving into second tri this week!

BrittianyM · September 2013

So very sorry you are having a hard time today. I really hope you get feeling better.

I can not believe that lady would have asked you about naming your little girl. That is the worst kind of insensitive. Kayla is a person and even though her life was not very long doesn't mean she doesn't matter. She matters so much and always will! You had every right to defend her but you shouldn't have to.

You are allowed ups and downs. I still cry a lot also. I wish I could hug you. Sending thoughts your way.

angelsnight · September 2013

Thank you all! I hate the reason why we're all here, but knowing I'm not alone is a lifesaver. Hugs to you all!

shandorfml2 · September 2013

(((hugs))) I've been having a hard time too. Grief sucks.

JessicaG220 · September 2013

It's like déjà vu... I know we all go through the same emotions. Reading your post is like reading my own mind. I miss Ava every single day and sometimes I feel like I'll never be happy again. Your feelings are completely normal and justified. You love Kayla with all of your heart and being sad is totally ok. I am right with you in feeling like I'm not in control of my emotions sometimes. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I hope you feel better

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · September 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. FWIW, I'm almost 2 years out and I still cry in the shower almost every day. I don't know what it is. I think it's just the fact that there's not much to think about so my mind goes there. I don't know.

I also had a period where I was basically pissed at the world for pretty much anything you can think of. I still have periods of time where that happens. And it's ok.

Hoping this down period eases up for you soon.

OSUWifey09 · September 2013

***SIGGY***

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

Even at this point, I still cry a lot over losing Devon. A part of me will never be the same after that, and that fact hits me at the most random times and always puts me in tears.

When I read that part about the lady not believing you named her, I wanted to punch her. How freaking insensitive. It's not odd that you cry during your drive home; I cried almost every day for six months, and most of those tears fell during the drive home. When you get up in the morning, you have to get going with your day...but once it's over and your brain can slow down, reality starts to hit a little more. That was the way it was for me. I still have those days sometimes, too.

I hope your down period comes back up soon. Grief sucks, and it truly comes and goes in waves, even when you think you're OK. **hugs**

Dixon813 · September 2013

marylaurena said:

i'm glad you mentioned wanting to lash out at people...sometimes I go over insensitive things people have said or done over and over in my head and wish that they would bring it up somehow so I can tell them how shitty they acted and how they have no clue how much pain I am in. it just really sucks how people just don't get it...at all...
I cry a lot on the way home from work as well...I think it has to do with having to bottle it up all day and act like everything is normal...the smallest things can set me off.

This all is exactly how I feel. I've gone over so many things in my head and wish I could lash out at people (not that making them feel bad would make me feel any better, though...)

I've gotten the name thing a couple times. The first time it completely caught me off guard "Oh, I didn't know you named them?!" SERIOUSLY? And another friend was looking at my necklace with their names and said "Oh, those are the names you would have given them." No - those ARE their names. Please are just very insensitive.

I wish there was something I could say to help - just know you aren't alone...

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