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Need to vent

joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
in Blended Families
I am new to this thread, my husband and I married 2 years ago and have a very blended family lol I have 2 kids and he has 1 and we are currently expecting in January. Anyways for the last 5 years I have dealt with my SD's moms jealousy and the way she treats my SD. Lately it seems to be getting worse, they are currently homeless but refuse to let her stay with us until they get a home and it will cost us $8000 to fight for her. Right now her mom has primary physical custody and they have joint legal, my husband also pays a lot in child support and I have my SD on my insurance and I provide the majority of her clothes and shoes. You would think she would be thankful that another woman loves her child and helps care for her but instead she treats my SD like trash and tells her that her dad is not her legal parent and just really tries to hurt her. My SD will come over sick and incredibly hungry. This girl will sit in my living room and cry her eyes out because mommy doesn't love her like I do she says. I have had about all I can take today and just needed to vent. Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.
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Re: Need to vent

  • CheerileeCheerilee member
    Get a lawyer. If she's homeless, her needs aren't being met. Sell a car if you have to.
    image

    "To be able to practice five things everywhere under heaven constitutes perfect virtue...gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness."
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    We even reported it to child services and they won't help either.
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Specify homeless. Living with relatives, in a car, a shelter? If its either of the latter you can file an emergency motion. If she's living with extended family, she's not homeless.
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    They are in an ancient camper with no running water, electricity, or heat
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Then find the money and get the girl.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Yeah get your girl. There are advocacy groups that help single fathers afford lawyers if you meet the income reqs. And I don't know what state you're in, but you should be able to find an attorney who will take a $1,500-3,000 retainer that lasts for over a year.
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    I'm getting frustrated because I tried to file an emergency temporary custody order but our court system does not do those unless you go through a lawyer which will take 1 to 2 weeks and cost a minimum of $1500 to start without a lawyer we can file change if custody but that can take months. I have tried the bar association for pro bono lawyers or payment agreements, legal aide, even tried to ask the judge to cut the costs but we make to much money. I don't know how because combined we make less then $50,000 a year with 3 kids to support and child $5300 a year in child support going out the door. I feel like I am letting my SD down
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Has her address changed? Most COs and state laws require that parents notify the other parent of added changes 30 days before the move. If she is not living where she was (I am assuming the caller is not in the same property) your H could file contempt. Maybe that could at least get him in front of a judge to address the problem.

    Oh and an emergency temporary custody order only takes about 48 hrs max. It is out on the subject for the judge to review the very next day after it is submitted. Hence the term "emergency." Once you file something or have something in the works, your H can generally maintain custody because a motion has been started.

    If all else fails, your H should just maintain custody. File with an attorney ASAP, but when the well-being of your child is at risk, sometimes you have to make a call on what is right.
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    How old is SD?  Is she elementary school age?  Can you report this to the school or teacher?  They are mandatory reporters and their calls to CPS might carry more weight. 

    I don't like dirty tactics, but in an extreme case like this if there is a cold night I would call the police and ask for a well child check.  If there is no heat in the camper maybe that would be enough. 

    Unfortunately re: the emotional abuse - - it is devestating but it is so hard to prove there is almost nothing you can do about it, asisde from getting her therapy to give her tools to handle her mom's emotional abuse.  (therapists are also mandatory reporters).

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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    The average median income in America is 50k a year, and most families have 2.5 kids. If you or DH have decent credit, you can get a personal loan and have the money in your account in a matter of hours. I'm sorry but it sounds like you're making up excuses coz you don't want to pay for a lawyer.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    You cant generalize like that. 50k a year with 2 kids is considered below poverty where I live. Median house selling price is 750k here. Also, you dont know the financial situation they are in. It is possible they cant come up with that kind of cash.
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    Look I came to this thread hopping for some advice, to see if maybe someone else has been here before and Could offer something that maybe I haven't thought if to try. Not to be ridiculed, because I'm asking for some advice on something besides the fact that a pregnant woman sneezed and peed her pants because we all know every pregnant woman does that. I apologize if I may be the only mom here in a financial bind and is looking everywhere for advice to help an innocent child.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    edited September 2013

    ??? Who ridiculed you?  You got good advice.  I know it may be difficult for you, but keep trying.  Can anyone in your family loan you the money? Can one of you get a part time, evening or weekend job to pay it off?   Is there anything at all that you can sell? Seriously, look around your home and talk to family and friends.  I'd sell my wedding ring if I had to get custody in that situation.  Maybe if you told several family and friends, you could pull a little bit from them all to get this taken care of.

    Keep looking and fighting.  Don't give up.  I hope it works out for you all - especially your SD. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    I'm not ridiculing anyone and I'm not generalizing anything. I'm just stating the median household income in America as of June 2013 is $52,100. And that's two incomes. So you are the average, which means most families are in your income bracket, that's all. You're not the exception, you're the rule right now.

    And I agree I don't know how ppl support families on that. In my neck of the woods, between me, DH, BM, and her boyfriend who lives with her, we all make about $300k a year combined and trying to raise 3 kids we still feel like we struggle sometimes. All that aside, my point is this: if you make 50k a year combined, and one of you has at least a 620 credit score, you can get a personal loan from almost any bank or credit union (I advocate a credit union) and have the funds in your account in 24 hours. Yes it sucks paying it back, and you'll prob get a rate of 9% or higher, but if your step child's situation is so dire, then that's the sacrifice you make.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    We didn't qualify for a personal loan when we needed the money so we got a title loan on our only vehicle. SDs situation was dire. I do not recommend those loans, but we did what we had to.

    We sold furniture (aka we ended up with no living room furniture and we slept on a mattress on the floor with our clothes in plastic totes though the kids always had everything they needed and more), we had no TV or internet until a couple weeks ago. We only had smart phones as if last year when we both went to school (I used phone for online classes and even typing papers).

    If you can come up with the retainer you can pay off the rest in time. It's not easy. Believe me I know. We made less than 20k combined the year we filed for custody of SD and we had to get on it THE DAY that my DS was born. It can be done if you are really determined. It's not as easy as it sounds when it is typed on the computer. Many of us understand that.

    Also, I hate to advise playing dirty, but have you tried calling the police anonymously saying you are concerned for the well-being of a child (our children) that you believe may be living in squalid conditions?
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Here's another thought when asking family and friends for help  - if you get custody - you don't pay CS, which you can put toward paying them back a personal loan.  
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    We tried the loan and we don't qualify because I have to many student loans. I can't sell a car because we owe on both if them and I have sold my wedding rings to get the first filing fee. We got good news today the hubz might get a second job on Monday, they finished his background check today, which we can use to find this... I'm seriously hoping this goes through big time
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  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    ambrvan said:

    Also, I hate to advise playing dirty, but have you tried calling the police anonymously saying you are concerned for the well-being of a child (our children) that you believe may be living in squalid conditions?

    I would ask yourself, would you call if you saw a child who was not yours living in the same conditions? If you would then I don't see this as playing dirty. Ultimately you would not be taking these steps if BM was taking appropriate steps to insure SD has what she needs. As long as the child's well being is your motivation, do what you need to within the law in order to ensure her health and well being.
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  • sprky79sprky79 member
    File pro se.  Contact the teachers.  Contact CPS AGAIN.  Contact her pediatrician.  Contact the police  Get a hardship forbearance on your student loans.  Borrow from family.  Get a second job.  And do not have any more children until you are in a position to handle emergencies.  
    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
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