Possibly moving to a different state.

Jbosarge85 · September 2013

So DH and I have been thinking about moving across the country. I have a SS here and of course we would still want to see him, his mom can be pretty difficult at times to work with. I'm just wondering if we should talk to her first and try to work out a visitation schedule and figure out who would pay for what part of the flight ect, or just get a lawyer to start. Just wondering if anyone else has experience here and what they did. Thanks,

xmaryrickx · September 2013

If at all possible don't move across the country. Really. What's the motivation for this? Most everyone here will tell you it's terribly difficult.

cole2144 · September 2013

I don`t understand how any parent could willing move across the country from their child, that being said I would get a lawyer first.

workitmom84 · September 2013

I am in a similar situation. My husband is in the military, so unfortunately we have no choice as far as distance from his son. SS's mom left during a deployment and moved to their home state. Anyways, it is a colossal pain in the butt. According to my husband's divorce/custody papers, they would split the cost of a flight for SS if the distance was greater than a certain number of miles. I have a friend whose exH has to pay the entire cost, I think because he chose to move for no good reason, well after the original custody/divorce papers were completed. Our last station and our current station were/are drive-able, so a halfway point was decided upon and both parties drive to meet. Which is always a joy when SS's mom is hours late, or doesn't have gas money, or wants to switch times/dates after we have already agreed. It's a tough situation and we don't get to see SS as often as we would like, and too much time goes in between visits because it usually has to fall on an extended school break.

Good luck.

HChad · September 2013

DH had to move cross country for work and his sanity. It didn't work out well. Get an attorney ASAP to get ALL the details in writing.

jess9802 · September 2013

DH moved from California to Oregon when he and his XW first divorced - not cross country but it might as well have been (16 hour drive). His ex just moved to FL last month and now DH and I have custody.

In some ways I think the reason he and XW have a cordial relationship is because of the distance - they've each moved on with their lives and don't have to deal with each other regularly and all of the emotions that go along with it (I know two other couples who have divorced in the last two years and the DRAMA with their exes is never-ending). On the other hand it's hard only getting to be an involved, active parent 25% of the year. Very, very hard. It sucked to never go to parent-teacher conferences or school events or even just see SS more than at Christmas or during the summer. I understand why DH made the choice he did and his ex has said she now understands it as well b/c she essentially made the same choice. But it's not an easy choice or one to make lightly.

Logistically, we split the cost of the flights. The current CO says that she pays for SS's flights to see her and we pay for the return flight. SS flies Southwest Airlines; after he turned 12 he did not have to fly as an Unaccompanied Minor. You need to make sure that you can get direct or nonstop flights for your SS if he must fly as a UM.

SS will spend Christmas break and summer break with his mom and the school year with us; before this year it was reversed.The long visitation periods meant we got into something of a routine and regular home life with SS when he was visiting, rather than it always feeling like we were entertaining a visitor or short-term guest.

fellesferie · September 2013

When XH and I split, we both lived in FL. He moved to CA and I moved to TN. He sees DS 4-5x/year (some typical times are fall break, spring break, summer, and thanksgiving/christmas).

XH pays for any flights, but we do travel 4 hours roundtrip to meet him. I would not consent to pay for airfare.

Ilumine · September 2013

Sorry, but unless your current job is making you move, I have to side-eye anyone who moves across the country from their children.

1) Children need both parents's influences to grow into well rounded human beings. There are enough studies on the importance of mothers and currently a handful of studies on the importance of fathers.

That "influence" is surely tied to the number of awake, non Disney Land hours.

2) The logistics of cross country parenting sucks. Sure you can (and should) have a very clear cut court order specifying when and how the transfers should take place...but it sucks.

3) The cost sucks more. So let's say your moving across country to earn more money. Will your higher income now cover the cost of the plane tickets?

Because right now a Non-Stop ticket (children always fly non-stop) from Atlanta to LA is about $550. Will you have $1,650 a year for the three trips a year (because anything less than 3 trips negates #1).

And as a CP, I would balk at paying the entire cost of the these tickets if you CHOOSE to move across the country.

I am not trying to be snarky. And I get that life sometimes throws you curveballs. But really, there are SOME things you should prioritize. Please think long and hard about this move.

+just+j+ · September 2013

Get a lawyer. If you think she's difficult now, wait until she finds out you're moving across country. And even if you do get a lawyer, I suggest you tell her as soon as you can.

I also give a side-eye to anyone who moves away from their child, I suggest you all be damn sure it is in everyone's best interest. Not just your and your DH's.

twister22 · September 2013

What is the reason for the move?

Littlejen22 · September 2013

Why would your DH considering moving away from his kid just because? And do you want to be with a man who would do that?

doodlebuggmommy · September 2013

My husband moved away from his son, we are now 10 hours away from him. We see him as much as we possibly can. It's hard and it sucks. His son and his ex live in a city with an economy that is pretty much dead. My husband moved away for work, and that was only after he joined the military and wrecked his back before deployment. If you can get away with it don't move, if it is for a job think long and hard about the repercussions.

CurlyQ284 · September 2013

My DH and his ex split up while he was in the military (over 10 years ago). She went back home to Michigan. We've been trying to move there since he got out of the military but with the economy in the toilet we haven't been able to. I wouldn't do it. We are missing everything.

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