U/S says twins; complete abject terror

sechat322 · September 2013

Hi all,

I am fresh from the doctor's office, having just discovered that I am now 6 weeks pregnant with twins. By way of background, I have ovulation problems and conceived by 16 month old daughter the first cycle we used injectables. This time, we used Femara (in particular because of the multiples risk associated with injectables), and I was again lucky enough to conceive on the first go-around. At my first ultrasound a week and a half ago, we could only see one empty gestational sac. Today, there are two, with heartbeats.

I am utterly gobsmacked and struck dumb with terror. I had an easy pregnancy with my daughter, but a pretty hard time once she came home. I was never diagnosed with PPD, but I had a terrible time with breastfeeding, and had (have!) a daughter who is wonderful, wonderful but who is a very high needs kid... the actual opposite of those lump babies I saw (with some jealousy) in my mothers' group. I confess to some ambivalence about even having a *second*, especially since I'm an only child and I loved it. I don't have the first clue about siblings or how to parent them.

I'm terrified of what this is going to mean for our daughter, and for our family. Do we need to sell our house, our cars, get bigger ones? Are we going to be able to afford vacations, camp, college? And, ok, I'll be totally honest - even if we *can* somehow afford those things, does this mean a lifetime of total sacrifice? I don't know whether this makes me sound like a terrible person or what, but this just absolutely wasn't what I expected, and I am scared to death. Sick-scared.

Finally, since I think this might even be the biggest factor, my SIL/BIL have twins, who are now 5. That experience does not... instill confidence or peace or happiness or anything else in me (except maybe more fear).

I'm sure that once your children are born, you can't imagine life without them, etc. That, in retrospect, I'll say that having twins was a wonderful blessing. But, guys, I'm really really scared, and if any of you would be kind enough to take pity on me, not judge me too harshly for lacking excitement, and help me find a way to reframe this in my mind, I'd be so grateful.

Wishing35 · September 2013

I was scared and in shock when I found out, it didnt feel real to me until they were born! Give yourself time to get used to the idea., it's only been a month and its not easy for me but I can see how down the road it will get better, you already have experience with your first child so in that way you are lucky! Also don't let your sil's experience scare you, there are plenty of great twin parents to learn from and get advice from on here!
And one more thing, sometimes when I get discouraged I look up cute twin videos on youtube, it makes me feel better you might want to do that it may get you feeling more excited.

meechellebelle · September 2013

I had the exact same thoughts when I found out I was pregnant with spontaneous twins. We weren't trying to get pregnant but now we have two amazing 7 month old boys. Life in the beginning is an adjustment but its doable. Just take it one day at a time and know that those first couple of months will actually fly by. And then it gets so much better! Watching twins interact is amazing.
Congrats!!!

raraavis28 · September 2013

Congrats and welcome! First off, just breathe. You just got a big shock, so give yourself at least today to NOT think about all those questions and "what ifs" and "how am I gonna handle this??" Second of all, you can do it!! It is definitely overwhelming finding out you are having multiples (I know I felt that way!), and it may even be more daunting when you already have a child and an experience to anticipate/compare it to. But just take one day at a time (and some days, one minute at a time), and start by focusing on having a healthy pregnancy. Find support and hang out on this board; the ladies here are awesome in terms of support and advice. Good luck; sending hugs and hopes for a healthy 8ish months!

Northof54 · September 2013

I found out out at 6.4 weeks that I had quadruplets. I shook and cried. I actually went into a depression until my next doctors appointment. I avoided the doctor and didn't go. I was convinced to go again (and didn't want to) at 11 weeks. We found that one baby's heart stopped beating at 9 weeks. My doctor was very supportive and caring of my fears. I pretty much didn't tell anyone or even get excited until I found out the genders at 20 weeks. They even wanted to tell me at 17 weeks and I didn't want to know - I just wasn't ready. It's a scary time.

But like you said -- now I wouldn't trade them for the world and love them to pieces

Stephanie2167 · September 2013

I agree with all PP. Give yourself time to let it sink in. When I found out it was twins I went home and ugly cried like Kim Kardashian. I was terrified. I don't think I'll ever be ready, but now I can't wait to meet these sweet girls.

Good luck.

PinkinProvence · September 2013

What you're feeling is normal and probably very similar to what many of us felt. Give it time to sink in. There are still moments of panic, but I have come to peace with my pregnancy and am now utterly excited and happy!

Did you at all comtemplate your thoughts on multiples undergoing IF treatment? My doctor said it could never happen with my dx, but it was always in the back of my head!

bitsytripmom · September 2013

I third or fourth or whatever PPs... I spontaneously conceived triplets and found out at 9 weeks... Pretty much from there went into shock. And was shortly thereafter diagnosed with a rare twinset that comes with a lot of high risk complications. I just started narrowing my focus down to each day and realized that no matter what, these babies would be fed and loved and everything else would take care of itself. Give yourself time to mourn a normal pregnancy and to adjust - and then don't force yourself into anything and try not to jump too far ahead....

Lots of thoughts and prayers for a happy and healthy pregnancy... You'll get there.

babywillmake3 · September 2013

Congrats and welcome. I just want to say ditto to what the others have said. 1. You are not alone in feeling this way. 2. I'm into my 2nd trimester with twins now and breakdown in tears occasionally over how horrible I am for "doing this" to my singleton who is my life. It's normal, you will do it, you can do it, you will be awesome doing it and you will survive.

You really need to take some time to get use to the idea. You will get excited, the shock comes and goes and will probably come back when you're having to buy extras of things you already have. We're here for you through the rollercoaster ride you are now on.

Missi576 · September 2013

Hi. I'm in a slightly different boat because I was kinda hoping for twins, but for a very very selfish reason. I hate being pregnant

Now the encouraging part, the reason I am looking forward to them despite having soo many of the same fears you do about money, time spent with each of them, sacrifice. You aren't alone on that, we all want to be happy and not give up everything for someone else, no matter how much they mean to us. Somewhere along the line, it doesn't end up a sacrifice because the blessing is worth everything that was 'sacrificed.' Have those feelings, don't feel guilty about them, work though them and trust that it WILL work out.

Side story, I got remarried in December of last year to a wonderful long time bachelor. What a shock for him, even though he knew it was coming, of welcoming not just his bride, but both a 9 and 11 year old daughters into his life. He started getting depressed and I finally got him to admit that he was feeling guilty for missing his freedom. He's okay now that he realizes that is completely and perfectly normal.

Okay, back to why I wanted twins (rambling pregnancy brain here). My first two daughters are only 18 months apart. Yes, definitely easier than twins, but you wouldn't believe how often people ask me if they ARE twins. They share a lot of their clothes, wear the same shoe size, etc. The joy of the last 9 years has been watching them interact. I enrolled them in charter virtual schools to give them time to work together at school and really nurture their sisterhood. It has been hard as heck, but so amazing.

We aren't wealthy. I'm sitting here thinking about how we HAVE to get a larger vehicle now.. how after a year or so, we have to find a bigger place to live.. but I know from experience that the sibling bond, and the joy of watching it develop (EVEN when you get so sick and tired of listening to them bicker) is worth every moment of morning sickness, heart ache, and penny that goes to something other than the thing you would have loved to get for your spouse that you can't.. because the nine year old needs braces ><

I hope this helps. I'm only 8 weeks along and still in shock. Kinda in the "careful what you wish for because you might get it.." stage. I'm just ecstatic that I found this forum, because all the others that I looked at were so drama filled Yay for amazing supportive people to surround yourself with

sechat322 · September 2013

Thank you all for your immense kindness. I'm still reeling, to be sure, but it's a huge comfort to know I'm not alone. As for Pink's question... You know, although we knew that multiples were a risk, we understood that they were a tiny risk with Femara (almost in line with the general non-IF population), and we'd already gotten "lucky" with a singleton once with injectable drugs that we knew had way higher multiple rates. At the ultrasound just before go time, I even specifically asked again whether we needed to worry, and was told that the multiples rate with Femara was so low that I shouldn't give it another thought. I also had what looked like only one lead follicle. In short, though we knew the risk, we thought it was pretty remote.

PurrCrasher · September 2013

I will echo what everyone else has said and tell you that it's totally normal to be all "Holy shit!" about it. It's scary and there are so many things to consider. I'll tell you the honest to goodness truth, the first few months are a blur of sleepless nights and various emotional struggles, I HATED the first few months (but I also had major PPD and once I dealt with that I was so much better) but now that I have 1 year olds (WHAT!? HOW?!) I can tell you with absolute confidence that it was all worth it and I have never been happier. All those fears I had and all those what ifs are so long gone from my memory. Having multiples is truly the most fun thing I've ever experienced. They way the play peek-a-boo with each other and chase each other around the table, the way the pat each other on the back when they're crying, it's absolutely priceless. There are no words for how awesome it is. It's just plain amazing and you will be totally fine. Stick around, ask questions as needed and just know that you will all be totally fine.

macchiatto · September 2013

I felt pretty much the same way when I had my first u/s, at 12w. It took me WEEKS to wrap my mind around the whole "twin" things. There are a lot of MoMs who gush about having twins; I've never been one of those. I think my kids are awesome whether they come one at a time or together; I think every spacing of kids has its pros and cons. They can be so very sweet with each other and as they get older (they're 4.5 now) there are more and more advantages to having two the same age.

But all that said, your freak-out feelings are normal and yes, it can be challenging (as I'm guessing you've seen from your SIL/BIL) but you'll get used to it and get through it and fall in love with your babies in time. Give yourself time.

And I recommend the book "When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads" by Dr. Barbara Luke, and Juggling Twins is also a good quick read with some helpful tips. The pregnancy book has lots of helpful info specific to multiple pregnancy and the Juggling Twins can help you think through how you'll handle some of the logistics and realize it is doable, even if it takes some extra planning.

And lastly ... congrats and welcome to the board!

scorch · September 2013

It's not as bad as you're making it out to be. You have some time to get this worked out in your head. It will be okay. I was pretty scared when I found out there was two babies. But we are working through what life hands us. It's always a shock, whether you had reason to expect them or not, still shocking. My twins are 2 1/2 and I still carry them around , one on each hip. You will adapt. Just try to calm down and enjoy the quiet . Enjoy having one kid the way you enjoyed having no kids before you had your DD. maybe BFing will go better this time . Maybe your twins will be so chillaxed you'll wonder why they didn't come first . Not every one gets to be the mother of two babies at once. You will be ok, just take it one day at a time, sun up to sun down. Don't be scared and congrats !

MuseumMaven · September 2013

It's incredibly shocking news. I wasn't exactly thrilled to fond out that we were having twins. And frankly, when people come to the board giddy about being pregnant with twins, I think of them as naive.

I won't lie, it's hard. While I had a very uneventful pregnancy I had two very needy, difficult babies. We didn't get much sleep for a long time. But my challenging babies turned into delightful toddlers, and I have a pair of easy-going two-year-olds.

You might get lucky and have easy babies. But even if you don't you'll get through it. And you'll love those babies to pieces, even if at times you don't like them very much.

Congratulations and welcome. You will manage fine.

zxe1106 · September 2013

I felt the same way for the first several months. At the time we found out we were even expecting, we had a 14 month old son and all I could think about was how I would be able to handle 3 children under 2. I'm almost 25 wks now and I still feel that way sometimes and I even admitted to my doctor ( whom I felt especially guilty telling since I know she has had fertility issues and eventually adopted instead) that I even feel slightly resentful about having twins. I told her how I don't feel excited very much because I know how hard it will be and I'm worried about pre-term delivery and I worry about my oldest feeling neglected also. It got a little better after we found out the genders, made them seem more identifiable maybe, easier to envision. I'm also worried that this will cause difficulty in bonding with them once they are born.

Hope things feel better for you soon. I know eventually it started to seem more normal to us that we are going to have twins, but there are still many moments that it is still completely mindblowing...

JuliaAndPete · September 2013

What you're feeling is normal. I'm still in shock everyday even at almost 16 weeks. There are pros and cons to everything. It all depends on how you look at it.

There are women who would give anything for just one baby. I had to remind myself of that a lot in the beginning. One day at a time, mama. People have done a lot more with a lot less. We're here for you too. This board is awesome.

Oh and one more thing. Prepare yourself for the twin stories. Everyone has one and they only want to tell you the stuff that's going to freak you out. Don't listen to them. You're going to make your own story. Right?

CaliCarly77 · September 2013

Love the title of this post - if you go back to June 6th, I had a very similar post, then a few more on June 7, June 8...etc. I had a very similar experience. I was apprehensive about dipping my toes in the parenting waters due to my long work ours. Finally took the goalie out of the net, and got pregnant and saw one empty sac at 5.5 weeks, then two heartbeats at 7 weeks. We live in a two bedroom condo, and drive compact cars, and I immediately felt like we had to change everything. I cried for 4 days out of fear: of change, of what this all meant, and of all the potential complications. One of the ladies on this board told me to "CALM DOWN" and it helped big time. We took a step back, realized babies are small, and we'll get to any changes when we get there. Now I can't imagine not having my two little guys (or girls!) on the way

I'm so sorry you have had some issues with your little one. Who knows what these little guys will be like, every child is different.

CaliCarly77 · September 2013

zxe1106 said:

I'm also worried that this will cause difficulty in bonding with them once they are born.

This is my latest worry - it just breaks my heart that I wont have that one on one mommy time with each of them as newborns to give them 100%. But, I try to balance that with the fact that it makes me so happy that they will always have each other.

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U/S says twins; complete abject terror

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