2 year angelversary

Heatherhah · September 2013

My Sydney's 2 year angelversary is on September 30th. I am not sure what I want to do this year. Last year we did a little immediate family get together at a park then family and friends surprised me after at our house and lite candles and let lighted lanterns off in memory of Sydney it was beautiul. This year I was thinking of going out to dinner with immediate family and getting a cake and putting a 2 on it but I feel like I don't know what I want to do. I even feel like just staying home and ebing with just DH and my kids.

This month has honestly been hell. Last year I was pregnant with my rainbow and I truly think I was so numb all I did was cry and feel so worried for my rainbow and lost with out Sydney. Now on the 2 year mark I feel so completely lost with out all of my girls like the wound is newly open and she is gone all over again. I know the distraction of pregnancy last year made it different last year. This year it is so hard to see my rainbow growing and thrieving and just been totally sweet and know that she will never knowe her big sister. It kills me. She would be almost 2 she would be talking running and maybe even entering the terrible two stage. But we are missing all of that. My heart hurts so much. I won't lie to any of you this secind year is much harder than last year. I think I was leading up to her day and I was so so stressed it didn't seem as hard on that day but this year I know it will be hard and it is hard.

It seems so many people IRL forget that she died. They forget I have 3 girls not 2. I find myself reminding people almost daily, which makes it hard. I relive her day almost all the time. I look at her pictures and it doesn't seem real to me most days. It is a true mind scramble.

I don't mean to upset the newer loss moms honestly not all days are tough some it surprises me that I think wow I can look at her picture and not cry today.

Sorry I am rambling I just needed to get this off my chest. I try to be there for all of you but today I just need you guys!!

Thanks- Heather

Auki13 · September 2013

Oh hun, I am so sorry. Annabelle's 2 year was in July and I felt just like you. It was harder for me because it seemed like everyone moved on and our immediate family was all that was left grieving the loss of our sweetheart. On top of it all we were on vacation and even though we had cake for her, it just wasn't the same. I was planning on doing "something" more when we got back and never did. :-(
I think dinner and cake sounds like a beautiful idea. Have you thought of doing lanterns again this year? (Sort of making it a yearly tradition?) We released balloons last year and that is the part I missed the most this year. I personally think that having a tradition would be a nice way of celebrating yearly (no matter how simple) and can become something both your girls will know and understand as they get older. Miles (my Rainbow) will never know Annabelle either, and it kills me, but I make sure to have pics up and her mementos where he can look at them. We skipped balloons this year, but I refuse to skip doing it again next year. I want the kids to have something concrete they can look forward to (for lack of better words) and a concrete tradition that will help them understand the importance of their angel sister.

Bayberry12 · September 2013

Oh Heather, I don't even know what to say. I think it's good to just feel what ever you are feeling; grief, sadness, missing Sydney. Even the good things in our lives are reminders of what is missing. I know coming up on another year without her is hard, if you don't want to do a big family thing, it's perfectly fine to spend the time at home and just maybe just do something special for her there; light a candle, release balloons, or have a cake with the number 2 on it!

I know it's a mind scramble! Sometimes I can't believe that I had a baby. I actually had a real, full-term baby. And she is dead. And I am just here living my life. It's so surreal.

So many hugs to you.

Noethola · September 2013

Thinking of you Heather.

I agree Auki. While I am not to the 1 year point, I have already decided that we will do something yearly (do not yet know what) that will be our family thing. I know my parents and DHs parents will be involved with whatever we decide. I have thought of a small cake and sky lanterns to light. I have also thought about making it a day we do a service project of some sort as our way of holding on to her memory. I do not yet know what will be a good fit for her day, but I want it to be a day where we can share what few memories we have of her with one another and any future siblings. I want the future siblings to know their sister, and this is one of the best ways I know to do it (besides just telling them and having pictures.)

angelsnight · September 2013

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Your post made me tear up because that is one of the biggest tragedies of losing a child....we didn't just lose them now, we've lost their future as well. Since we lost our girl, I want another little girl so badly but I also fear it will be so hard, like if she looks like Kayla, and I'll always wonder what she would have been.

Maybe in the next few weeks it will become more clear to you what you would like to do on her angelversary. If being home with your family is what you want to do, there is nothing wrong with that. Some years you might want to do something big, and other years keep it low key. My thoughts are with you, I know grief becomes something we learn to deal with over time, but sometimes, no matter how long it's been, it hurts just as much as it did when when we first lost them. Bug hugs to you!

jbranden12 · September 2013

((HUGE HUGS)). On Patricia's one year birthday, Anna was still in the NICU so we didn't really do anything big, and now I'm a little glad. I feel like I now have the freedom to honor her however and whenever I want, not feel guilty because I don't do something specific. At the same time, I do think the special traditions some families have are wonderful and perfect for them. Ultimately, do what feels good for your family. We all tell new loss moms that there are no "shoulds" with grief, and that holds true as time passes.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · September 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

Big, huge hugs Heather. It's so hard to decide the best way to honor our angels because - let's be honest - nothing is ever quite good enough for them. I know that whatever you end up doing will be right for you and perfect for her.

It seems the further we get on this journey, we tend to forget certain things. The biggest being that's ok to not be ok. I know we have more "good" than "bad" days anymore but we're still allowed to have bad days and weeks. As time goes on, we don't miss our children any less. In fact, in some ways I think we miss them more. Trinity will meet her big sister some day and she has a special angel watching over her every day.

We are all here for you as you reach that next big milestone. {{HUGS}}

shandorfml2 · September 2013

big hugs and love

Heatherhah · September 2013

Thank you ladies I want to send so much love to all of you.

Angelsnight- I had my rainbow and she could have been Sydney's twin it hurt to see them look so similar but all of my girls looked the same when they were first born they could have been triplets. I know Sydney would be looking just like her baby sister. I do think Sydney is with Trinity she smiles and looks up all the time I wonder if she sees her often and knows she is always with her. I hope she does !! It brings me some sort of peace sometimes to think she is around her baby sister.

OSUWifey09 · September 2013

fluttergirlmoonchild79 said:

***SIGGY WARNING***

Big, huge hugs Heather. It's so hard to decide the best way to honor our angels because - let's be honest - nothing is ever quite good enough for them. I know that whatever you end up doing will be right for you and perfect for her.
It seems the further we get on this journey, we tend to forget certain things. The biggest being that's ok to not be ok. I know we have more "good" than "bad" days anymore but we're still allowed to have bad days and weeks. As time goes on, we don't miss our children any less. In fact, in some ways I think we miss them more. Trinity will meet her big sister some day and she has a special angel watching over her every day.

We are all here for you as you reach that next big milestone. {{HUGS}}

This. Exactly. I kinda get how you feel...Devon's angelversary was so hard this year, but I think it wasn't as hard as it could have been because I'm expecting again. I don't know how I'll feel next year, and it already kinda scares me because I'm afraid his angelversary will be more intense emotionally at that point.

And I get the whole "People have forgotten she's gone" bit with Devon. He's such a big part of me, and I talk about him like he was a child I was able to bring home and then lost [even though that's not the case], that people are always surprised that I had a loss. I'll never forget him, and I'll always put reminders out there. He's my child, just like Sydney is your child.

No matter what you decide to do, it will be very special. You'll know what to do as you get closer to it. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs.

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