Im back... severing parental rights?

mamastich · September 2013

Im reaching out to this board because I lurk too much and yall know what youre talking about.

My situation is... Divorced when LO was 3 month, her BD came and saw her when she turned one and has no plans to do it again. He occasionally wants to Skype her and then it goes away for awhile. Our CO says I have full physical, joint legal and visitation is upon mutual agreement. She turns 2 this month.

I have a huge fear of me dying and he gaining custody of her and the older she gets the more this is her life here. Right after our separation I mentioned severing his rights and he didn't turn it down.. financially I wasn't in a spot to do that but now I might be.

TIA

EarthandFire · September 2013

As a parent who's considered this action, I don't see anything in your post that I feel would warrant taking such action. Is there more to this story?

xmaryrickx · September 2013

Most states don't just allow you to terminate rights. There has to be no contact for a minimum time (year) and there has to be someone else willing to adopt at that point.

Unless there is more to the story I would not do it. Who would you want to have custody should something happen?

mamastich · September 2013

xmaryrickx said:
Most states don't just allow you to terminate rights. There has to be no contact for a minimum time (year) and there has to be someone else willing to adopt at that point.

Unless there is more to the story I would not do it. Who would you want to have custody should something happen?

He's had no physical contact for over a year and a handful of Skype calls.

There's not a whole lot more to the story and we actually get along ok. If something happened to her I'd want my mother or her god parents to gain custody.
Is there some other legal option I have? This isn't something I'm trying to rush, I just want to work on the long term plan.

xmaryrickx · September 2013

Skype counts as contact.

If there are no other reasons, I would simply as him to approve of the godparents gaining custody should you pass away. That he would still have visitation/contact and to make that very clear in your will.

Do you not live near each other? Does he give reasons for not wanting to visit?

EarthandFire · September 2013

The only option I can see is to talk to a lawyer and write up an agreement signed by both parties outlining custody should you perish and his visitation expectation in your absence. This is a very severe step and without good reason and strong/unaquivical evidence a court won't severe parental rights.

mamastich · September 2013

xmaryrickx said:

Skype counts as contact. If there are no other reasons, I would simply as him to approve of the godparents gaining custody should you pass away. That he would still have visitation/contact and to make that very clear in your will. Do you not live near each other? Does he give reasons for not wanting to visit?

Him agreeing would hold up in court? We live across the country, he has yet to give me a good reason and I know finances are not the issue. Thank you so much for you suggestions. Does a will hold up?

EarthandFire · September 2013

No, the court wouldn't allow him to just sign off. They see it as being in the best interest of the child to have two parents with legal responsibility both physically and financially. Where I am there must be a spouse who agrees to take on legal responsibility and adopt the child before a parent is allowed to relinquish their rights. This can also be done in cases where a child's well being is put in severe danger but you have to have a strong case for this that directly affecting the child. I'm not a lawyer but that is what I've been told.

hopanka · September 2013

You could write a will where you outline your wishes for custody. It is a good thing to have, even though in case you did die, it isn't a trumph over what your ex might request at that point. He could ask for custody and would likely get it, however since he is so dis-interested now, your will give everyone in the family a good idea what you wanted, and if he is meh about custody then like he is now, at least your family will know whom you wanted as DD's Guardian. It's not fool proof or what you want to accomplish by this, but it's better than nothing at all, IMO.

ambrvan · September 2013

hopanka said:
You could write a will where you outline your wishes for custody. It is a good thing to have, even though in case you did die, it isn't a trumph over what your ex might request at that point. He could ask for custody and would likely get it, however since he is so dis-interested now, your will give everyone in the family a good idea what you wanted, and if he is meh about custody then like he is now, at least your family will know whom you wanted as DD's
Guardian. It's not fool proof or what you want to accomplish by this, but it's better than nothing at all, IMO.

This. And as others have said, most states will not allow termination of parental rights, even voluntarily, unless there is someone else stepping up to adopt. Typically this someone must be a spouse or in some cases a grandparent.

My DH has a younger cousin whose daughter is the primary custody of her maternal grandmother and her biological father is the NCP, the biological mother had no legal custody. The grandmother took her teenage daughter to court for this and they agreed upon it through mediation. If grandmother does our becomes disabled, child goes to BD, not BM.

Your BD also might be able to sign a power of attorney regarding custody to change guardianship of the child where his name is concerned. You should consult an attorney

Littlejen22 · September 2013

I would think even if he signs something and you died he can still get custody if he wants it but chances are he will not want it. A court is not going to want to terminate his rights unless someone is going to adopt the little one because if something's happens to you or your income then tr state has to pay instead of him.

EarthandFire · September 2013

I agree with Littlejen22. He could try to get custody if you pass. He can try now if he wanted it. That right doesn't change. He gets preferential treatment over everyone except you. A lawyer would know but I'd think an agreement signed by you both would hold water so long as he doesn't pursue custody. That's what I would do in your shoes.

A note on beneficiaries. Making your child a beneficiary gives that money to their custodial parent. I'm not saying your BD is like this but it's motivation for some to take custody. By listing a parent or a power of attorney you could avoid that.

mamastich · September 2013

EarthandFire said:
I agree with Littlejen22. He could try to get custody if you pass. He can try now if he wanted it. That right doesn't change. He gets preferential treatment over everyone except you. A lawyer would know but I'd think an agreement signed by you both would hold water so long as he doesn't pursue custody. That's what I would do in your shoes.

A note on beneficiaries. Making your child a beneficiary gives that money to their custodial parent. I'm not saying your BD is like this but it's motivation for some to take custody. By listing a parent or a power of attorney you could avoid that.

That's a really good point. This is def some food for thought. Ill bring it up to him and see where's he's at.

xmaryrickx · September 2013

Did one of you move? Is that the reason for the distance?
Has there been any talk in establishing visitation?
If you are on good terms I would try talking to him about it.

ambrvan · September 2013

Our beneficiary for us is my SIL. She has little care or concern for DH, but she is trustworthy and honest and a neutral party. We know our children will get their dues with her being the beneficiary.

mamastich · September 2013

xmaryrickx said:
Did one of you move? Is that the reason for the distance?
Has there been any talk in establishing visitation?
If you are on good terms I would try talking to him about it.

He kicked me and lo out and I had to go home across the country. She was 10 weeks. He came and saw lo once when his gf paid for it. That's it. Up until recently I encouraged him to come see her and would ask if he wanted to Skype. I just don't see where she will benefit long term unless something drastically changes. We're on pretty good terms, I just need to wait for the right time.

jess9802 · September 2013

If you want the money to go to your child and don't trust that the other parent would use the money wisely or want to avoid a conservatorship, then DO NOT leave it to another person outright. It is far better to do some higher level estate planning and set up a trust as a beneficiary of that type of policy.

What I tell clients with that sort of plan ("I'll give it to SoandSo who knows what I want") is this: (1) SoandSo is then under no legal obligation to use the money how you want. You may trust SoandSo, but people do strange things when they have access to lots and lots of money and no oversight. (2)SoandSo may have perfectly wonderful and honorable intentions, but things happen. SoandSo can be sued (and thus that money becomes subject to her creditors); die, get divorced; whatever - and suddenly that money is in play in her estate or with her estranged husband.

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