Adoption experts (or anyone who is bored)

RondackHiker · September 2013

Ever since we've dated, DH and I have talked about adoption. It's just something we both have always been interested in. DH always liked the idea of having one or two biological kids and then adopting. About three years ago he read an article about girls in India and has talked about adopting a girl from there since then.

Since I'm on my second HG pregnancy and I'm very, very sure that I cannot handle a third like this. But we've always wanted three, possibly four kids.

So we've discussed adoption more lately, especially from India or another country where girls are treated very poorly.

Something someone posted last week made me re-think some of that though. I think it was Fredalina who said that adoption shouldn't be about 'rescuing' a child, since that can create issues for the child, who feels like he or she needs to be grateful all the time for being 'rescued' from a bad situation.

We'd pursue adoption to add to our family and because we want a third child. But DH would like to adopt a girl from India because of the way girls and women are treated there, and he knows that many girls are unwanted and mistreated there. But wouldn't that mean that one reason we adopted a child would be to 'rescue' her from a horrible life? The reason to adopt is to grow our family, but the 'rescue' aspect would influence where DH wants to adopt from. We won't be adopting for another few years (we'd have to wait till DH is making actual doctor salary), but we're very interested in pursuing it. So this is a very long-term 'what if' sort of situation.

I guess my question is, if we do indeed pursue adoption, should we reconsider adopting a girl from India in order to avoid the whole "rescuing a child" thing?

NativeFloridian · September 2013

I seriously think it all depends on how the child is treated. Would you treat the child as if she needed to be grateful for the rest of her life? Or would you treat her as any other child?

Also, if it were you what would you feel was better? A lifetime of mistreatment because of the presence of a vagina on your body or the possibility of a lifetime of feeling grateful to a set of parents who wanted and loved you enough to bring you into their family and care for you?

RondackHiker · September 2013

We would treat her like any other child, but I know she'd likely ask why we wanted to adopt and why we chose India in particular. Our reasoning for choosing India would be because of the way the women are treated there... which would imply we rescued her.

I worry about giving my potential, likely not yet born, daughter a complex.

There'd also be a large chance we'd have to cut off my uncle and some of my extended family if we adopted a child who wasn't white. So then I feel like we'd make her feel like we rescued her and that she'd think it was HER fault my uncle is a racist asshole and so we'd likely lose contact.

BoatsNHoes · September 2013

I guess you could say that for any kid, even biological, that You want what's best for them. I agree there doesn't have to be a complex. I would guess its all about how you approach things. I mean the kid will be resentful of you at one point or another, no matter what continent they're from. I also think you could raise them like their culture is enriching YOUR life, which I'm sure it would.

RondackHiker · September 2013

Thanks all! I will XP this on adoption.

CinemaGoddess · September 2013

Have you checked into Indian adoption laws w/r/t US adoptions?

More and more countries seem to be considering going the way of Russia and preventing their kids from being adopted because of the dipshit Americans who give the kids back.

RondackHiker · September 2013

CinemaGoddess said:
Have you checked into Indian adoption laws w/r/t US adoptions?

More and more countries seem to be considering going the way of Russia and preventing their kids from being adopted because of the dipshit Americans who give the kids back.

Since we are a few years out, I haven't. Things will likely change between now and then. If India is out we've considered Thailand (dh spent time there in college and saw 11 year old girls being sold...) or some countries in Africa. When we're closer we'll look into the laws associated with different countries. Right now dh is still a bit stuck on India but he will come around if needed.

Rach21 · September 2013

We wanted to adopt after G was born, but found out during the process that it is just too expensive for us. We also couldn't pursue international adoption because of the price and some of the places we were considering required up to a month's travel, and neither of our jobs would support that.

My advice would be to find out everything you can before you start the procedure. It would be helpful to read books about international adoption, written by both parents and adoptees. You might be drawn more to some area of the world based on the conditions of that nation, but those kids still need loving homes. And the "rescue" mentality quickly dissipates when they're no longer "a little girl in India" and they become your child.

(My friend has adopted 4 kids internationally and she created a non-profit that promotes orphan care worldwide. She has a lot of useful information on her website, Two Hearts for Hope.) Good luck!

RondackHiker · September 2013

Brandi Bee said:
OMFG. How can you even give a kid back? That is disgusting.

What is this referring to?

suv75 · September 2013

Isn't any child you adopt from anywhere in a sense "rescued"? Children that don't get adopted get shuffled in foster care or orphanages. Any child from any place is better off with you than whatever orphanage or home where they are unwanted. So, no, it isn't an issue just particular to India.

My sister adopted twins from India. She chose India for same reason you are considering. They were placed with her at 18 months. They are almost 5 and are happy and well-adjusted. My sister is Indian and her husband is white. Race has never been an issue with his family.

PM me if you need more info.

CinemaGoddess · September 2013

Spooko said:

@brandibee, there are definitely cases of giving the child back that are disgusting (the mom sending the Russian boy back with just a note comes to mind) but there are some very valid reasons for disrupting and adoption and I don't think it's fair to paint it so broadly.

I'm talking also about people who give away their adopted kids on Craigslist.

RondackHiker · September 2013

Russian adoptions have other issues than just giving children back or up. Putin insists that it's due to abuse concerns, but a lot is due to sanctions the US placed against Russia.

Banning adoptions was one way to "punish" the us.

RondackHiker · September 2013

@fredalina

Thanks for weighing in!

The great loss you mentioned is one of my big worries. Obviously if my potential daughter left India, there would be benefits... But there would also be a great loss and I wouldn't want her to feel like I'm trashing her country ever. There are great and horrible things about all countries.

wiggyslilsis · September 2013

I think I read @suv75 post differently than you guys. I thought she was saying that you can get a savior complex even with domestic adoption because you feel like you are rescuing them from bad conditions. That this isn't something totally unique to international adoption. Not that adopted children are literally rescued no matter what.

suv75 · September 2013

My point was, the situation isn't unique to adopting from India if your motivation to adopt is to give a child a better life (whether or not they actually are getting a better life).

suv75 · September 2013

wiggyslilsis said:
I think I read @suv75 post differently than you guys. I thought she was saying that you can get a savior complex even with domestic adoption because you feel like you are rescuing them from bad conditions. That this isn't something totally unique to international adoption. Not that adopted children are literally rescued no matter what.

Thanks, yes this is what I was trying to say. Getting two hours of broken sleep last night and my brain isn't quite up this morning.

RondackHiker · September 2013

Brandi Bee said:
Yeah, I can see where there would be situations that it would need to happen, perhaps. It just seems weird to me that it is happening often enough (on CL no less) that it is warranting a consideration like that.

I posted earlier in this thread... There are more issues with Russia than just people giving up children. Russia is upset with the US and banning adoptions is part of the fallout. Putin cites cases with returned children and occasional neglect/abuse (or potential abuse that wasn't proven) as reasons to end adoption, but it's mostly a reaction to the human rights related sanctions we placed against them.

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