Blended Families

How would you handle this?

So BM got mad at DH for telling SS he had to do his homework, after BM told SS he didn't have to do it. SS told DH (in a snotty attitude) that his mom said DH wasn't the boss of him. SS is obviously repeating what he was told, but he is also 10. How do you teach (or attempt to teach) a child he has ro be respectful when the other parent undermines it purposely? We are torn because he is obviously a young kid still, but we don't want him to think he can be disrespectful to DH just because his mom is always nasty. Any sort of repercussions wouldn't be until a week and a half away since we only get him EOWE. We don't want SS to get away with being disrespectful but we also know it wouldn't be timely. I'm not sure if we will do anything but you ladies always have good ideas so I thought I would ask. Thanks!
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu

Re: How would you handle this?

  • We have the same problem. We just address the disrespectfulness right then and there and hope it doesn't turn into a "blow out." Honestly the last time we had a big issue was prob 2 years ago (when SD was 8, right before our wedding) when she said I hate you to DH and that is a NO NO in my house (primarily bc BM says I hate this I hate that every 5 mins and I'm trying to teach SD that you don't need to say hate, you can strongly dislike...) anyway we sent her to her room, she bawled her eyes out and then she came around. Is it ideal to discipline kids when you only have them a limited amount a week? Obviously not but you pick your battles and you stay consistent.
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    edited September 2013
    This exact same scenario used to happen every single week at our house. Mostly it was directed toward me, though sometimes H. When he would say that we would remind him that everyone deserves to be respected and that he needs to listen to any adult in his life when they are telling him to do something-teacher, aunt/uncle, SM etc. over and over and over again. Sometimes he would blow up and there would be a scene and consequences. And sometimes not.
  • What I would do is have a single conversation with him explaining that when he is in ANY adult's home, he will respect their rules. 

    When it is time to do something, homework for example, tell him to do it. If he gives you any pushback or just doesn't do it, tell him the consequence. Our therapist likes for us to give the kids a choice (ie, I want you to do your homework. If you choose to not do your homework, you will be choosing to sit in your room without any privileges/toys/whatever). Then either enforce the negative consequence or praise him for making the right choice. 

    In terms of disrespect, it depends on the circumstances. DS is only 8, but when he is mouthy I ignore it unless it interferes with what I'm doing. I generally assume he's doing it to get attention, so I don't give it to him. If his behavior is interfering with what I'm doing, I give him a choice (Jack, I can't focus on getting dinner ready because you keep yelling. I need you to use some more self control. If you choose not to do that, I will ask you to go to your room to calm down). 

    We are about 2 months into these parenting techniques, and I have to tell you they work. There are downsides, but overall DS's behavior is better and he is attention seeking in more positive ways. 
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  • we don't butt heads with out kids over homework anymore.  there are consequences for getting failing grades, they are left to suffer them.  by age 10, he is old enough
  • DH was there with him when he was told to do homework? How did BM find out and get mad? SS told her after the fact? I'm just wondering how BM found out while/when SS was supposed to be doing homework.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • Sorry, I should've given more details. SS was at our house with DH on a school night because BM was getting her nails done with her DD and she actually let him come over. DH told SS he needed to do his homework and SS then replies his mom told him he didn't have to. DH told him he did and told him he needed to read as well. DH dropped off SS and on the way home got a phone call from SS. SS told him that his mom said that DH is not the boss of him and can't tell SS what to do when it's not his parenting time. DH told him that as his dad he is just looking out for him, and that SS needs to be respectful to him. SS was saying that he can do whatever he wants as long as it isn't DH's CO time.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
  • Wow! I would have said "don't you ever talk to me like that and reminded DS that he doesn't make the rules. The next time DS was over I would have told him "my house, my rules." Does his mom WANT her son to be ignorant? I am baffled.
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • His mom doesn't care about anything but making sure SS loves her more. I don't think she thinks about what kind of person he will become as long as she has him on her side against DH.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
  • Thank you to everyone for you comments. @Felles, I really love your thoughts on parenting. I think I'm going to look into some books or classes too.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    edited September 2013
    Wahoo said: Wow! I would have said "don't you ever talk to me like that and reminded DS that he doesn't make the rules. The next time DS was over I would have told him "my house, my rules." Does his mom WANT her son to be ignorant? I am baffled.

    We actually have a similar problem with K.  BM doesn't allow her to bring her homework over to our house during the week because God forbid me or DH help her with it.  Now DH just emails the teacher every Tuesday and pops in the classroom every Friday morning (we have K Tues and Thurs nights each week) and lets the teacher know that K did not have her homework and that's why it's not completed.  Arguing with BM does no good, so DH and I (at the recommendation of the therapist) have started putting the responsibility on K.  It sucks at the age of 7 that we have to expect her to either stand up to BM or bring extra homework to our house when I pick her up from school, but at some point K needs to figure out what is best for
    her, not what makes BM happiest.
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  • @jobalchak, thanks! I think K's BM and my SS's BM are essentially the same person so I always value your advice. I never know if it is expecting too much of SS to take responsibility for his homework, but he is 10 and K is 7, so if your therapist says she is old enough then he definitely is...good to know.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
  • I agree with Jo
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