"Rehoming" Discussion

Re: "Rehoming" Discussion

• Dr.Loretta member

  September 2013

  I think there's "rehoming" like the article where you essentially dump a child, and there's working with your agency to find a more appropriate home for an adoption that doesn't work out for whatever reason.

  There was a piece a couple of years ago about a woman who adopted internationally. She and her son (I think) just never made progress. She worked with her agency to find him a home with parents who had extensive experience with attachment issues, and in the end it worked out for all involved. I believe she was on one of the morning shows, and a lot of people applauded her bravery in stepping forward, explaining her situation, and doing what she felt was in the best interests of the child (which is key IMO).

  I also have a friend who adopted her son through foster care after he just didn't mesh with his first foster family. They had a son a similar age and the boys were NOT getting along, leading to problems in the home. He met my friend and her family, came to live with them, and thrived in ways he wouldn't have with his first foster family. I guess you could also call that "rehoming" in a certain sense.

  In a situation where I was presented with a disruption, I'd want a lot of information on what had happened with the first family, as well as thinking about what kind of support system I had in place to deal with, at the very least, issues of abandonment the children would feel.

  I would love to hear about your experience if/when you're ready.

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• IRR member

  September 2013

  I think it would depend on the situation like Dr.L stated.  Is it that these parents were told something about these kids when they adopted internationally which turned out to NOT be what was the truth and they actually can't handle the issues these children are facing or is it some other reason.  There are many unknowns with international adoptions and captain serious chime in, but sometimes you find some things out like FASD that you are not equipped to handle.  Other people can handle it just fine.  So it just depends on why these kids are being "rehomed".

  
  

  
  

  Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
  

  Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15

  
  

  
  

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• SoSweet06 member

  September 2013

   We are open to it--actually, we are thinking of applying to adopt a child from a disruption right now. There are so many unknowns with international adoption, we feel like we have a better chance of getting "the real story" with a child being disrupted (we're open to another international adoption as well, but since we're open to a child with needs, it makes sense for us to stay open to a child from disruption). 

  
  

    I would ask for as much information as possible AND be very confident in your decision. If you weren't planning on adopting a child with significant needs, I would pass...people don't typically disrupt over minor things (although I'm sure it could happen). 

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• june2704bride member

  September 2013

  We recently disrupted our (international) adoption.  It was an extremely difficult decision and are still incredibly sad.  We did so through an agency and did everything by the book.  We disclosed everything-and we had a lot of papers and had conversations.  Keep in mind, there are serious issues that led to the disruption-insist on full disclosure and keep in mind your ability and resources (including financial)  to be able to handle the issues.

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• CaptainSerious member

  September 2013

  First of all, I see an adoption disruption, that's done with the help of the social welfare system and therapists, as something completely different to the "rehoming" discussed in the article.

  
  

  I believe that adopting traumatized children is a serious commitment much different than adopting an infant or child with minimal past trauma. As june2704bride mentioned, I would want to know as much about the case and the children's situation as possible, including all possible information about their health, mental state, original situation, current situation, and all homes/placements between. Helping my children through their trauma has been difficult, but it would have been impossible without full disclosure and us making an informed decision that included not only us committing to making their issues and trauma our own, but also understanding that we'd never know everything, so the full extent of their delays/traumas/difficulties/health concerns would only become evident over time, and that we were also willing to accept that uncertainty and commit to whatever came to them (and by extension us) in the future.

  
  

  While my family's situation is highly unusual, it's certainly not the most extreme case (at least not yet!) of discovering the full extent of the situation after the fact.  I can completely and wholeheartedly understand why a family could feel unable to handle what it discovers after an adoption has been completed.  BUT, I also know second-hand what a disrupted adoption can do to a child and how it can rock their very core.  So, please, please, please, please do not commit to any situation in which the child(ren) have already suffered an adoption disruption and are led to believe you may be offering a permanent home if there is ANY doubt in your mind that you can accept whatever extremes they might bring into your family.  Suffering one disruption is crushing; I can't imagine what suffering a second one would do to a person.

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• CaptainSerious member

  September 2013

  Just some more information about our situation, since I think you are relatively new and probably don't know the background influencing my strongly opinionated post:

  
  

  My husband and I adopted two boys from Peru, and later discovered our children had far more extensive special needs than we initially thought.  We were never lied to or intentionally misled, in fact, Peru was awesome and gave us every bit of information (social/psychological/medical) they had on our kids.  But time reveals all, and we found out that our boys situations are more involved once they came to live with us.

  
  

  We adopted M in 2010.  We knew his mother had been an alcoholic, but he showed no signs of fetal alcohol syndrome, and that he needed heart surgery right away.  We also knew that his heart defect had gone undiscovered until right before he was supposed to be adopted by another family, as a relatively healthy child. When that other family discovered his heart issue, they backed away from the adoption.  Around the same time, bone testing indicated that M might be a year older than his legal age of 7.  When we went to Peru to adopt M, we discovered he had lived with his biological mother, on and off.

  
  

  We brought M home and had his heart fixed.  He immediately became medically healthy and started growing like a weed.  By the end of his first year with us, we recognized that he had dyslexia, and over the course of the next year, we realized his delays were more significant and he was diagnosed with a fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, something that we had actively avoided in our adoption search because we didn't think we could handle raising a child with a FASD.  M never stopped growing, and within the last year, it's become evident that he's likely quite a bit older than we initially thought.  We are now battling the school district, which informed us over the summer that they'd like to move M from 3rd grade last year into 8th grade this year.

  
  

  We met J when we were in Peru to adopt M, and returned in the Spring of 2012 to adopt him.  J has Neurofibromatosis, a condition in which tumors grow on the nervous tissue.  We also knew at the time that he had a significant speech delay and recurring sinusitis.  J has had a really hard time fully attaching to us; letting us get close seems to be a very real and mortal fear of his.  To complicate matters, since he's been with us, we have discovered that he has an apraxia of speech (which has really made clear communication difficult), acute anxiety, strabismus (which may explain why he's so clumsy and always falling/bumping into things), OCD tendencies, possible asthma, and possibly a processing disorder.  We are in the processing of trying to sort it all out, so that one treatment doesn't mask another issue until we know what's at the base of his difficulties.

  
  

  In short, parenting these boys has been a vastly different adventure than we imagined.  I love them to my very core, but I can't say that this version of our family is what we expected, wanted, or thought we were capable of handling.  I am learning, each and every day, that I can do far more than I thought, but it hasn't come without sacrifices.  I quit my job to make managing therapies, tutoring, and doctor's appointments more manageable (luckily, I was able to do so).  We take everything slower than we would if our boys were typical, and have learned new ways to accommodate them.  We are in the midst of a legal battle with the school districts and have altered our relocation and retirement plans based on their continuing needs.  We have adapted and adjusted and will continue to do so, but only because we have accepted that we are now parents of children with far greater special needs than we anticipated.

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• NickiChick member

  September 2013

  Thanks to all for your thoughtful comments. I can now share more about the situation in which we were involved. 

  
  

  Let me start by saying, we are not far into the adoption process. We have an approved application with the adoption agency, but we have not chosen a country program yet. We don't even have a home study complete! When I got the phone call about this disruption, to say I was caught off guard would have been an understatement. 

  
  

  My initial reaction was no. I wasn't ready. I'm not mentally prepared to parent an adopted child, let alone one from a disrupted adoption. I haven't taken all the classes or read all the books. I'm a planner, so this would be against everything I'm used to. 

  
  

  After some prayer, my mind started thinking about all of our resources. I am a teacher, so working with children that have special needs is not new to me. I have the ability to stay home right away. We live in a community and have many close friends who have adopted, so I know we have a great support system. DH and I discussed what we are capable of providing and our willingness. We decided there wasn't much we wouldn't be willing to work with, but we needed full disclosure. We know things always come out with time, but we wanted to know what we could in order to be sure we could provide what these kids need. 

  
  

  We were given little information. We were told ages, personality, and that they had "attachment issues" and mom didn't feel like she could provide the individualized attention they needed due to her bio kids. 

  
  

  We decided to submit a bio with a few conditions. 

  1. We meet with the parents first (without the kids). 

  2. We have the ability to communicate with doctors, preschool teachers, and counselors that have been involved with the kids. 

  3. We would have a mediator from the adoption agency travel with us for all meetings. 

  
  

  Three families were presented to mom, but we were not chosen because she does not want to meet or even speak to the new parents. 

  
  

  I really feel for her, but we were clear that we needed full disclosure so we could prepare the best support for these kids from day 1. We realized that we wouldn't know all, but we were given nothing! I'm sad for this family and these kids. I'm sure she must be in a really low place, but I feel good that I advocated for their best interest. I pray their new home is permanent. 

  
  TTC since Jan 2012
  
  Me (28) DH (28)
  
  Dec 2012 Testing Complete: Me: Blood tests look great HSG "beautiful" DH: SA = normal Unexplained?
  
  PAIF/SAIF welcome!
  

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• CaptainSerious member

  September 2013

  It really sounds like you handled the situation as well as possible. I'm sorry that the mom is in such a place that she wasn't willing to work with you to ensure a good transition.

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