Mediation question

Re: Mediation question

• CFjo2010 member

  September 2013

  Attorney's generally are not allowed at meditations, at least not in my State (CA).  In my experience, mediators like a calendar to look at as well as what has been the general practice regarding visits. Depending on the age of SD, 2-2-3 might be a lot of back and forth.  Does your State have a recommended parenting schedule?  I know most mediators and Judges prefer a set schedule of days and times because it creates consistency and stability for the child; kids like to know what to expect.  Playing it by ear based on BM's work schedule would be pretty chaotic for a kid.

  
  

  I would ask for a set schedule, and if BM's work schedule conflicts then that is her issue to deal with.  Most parents, CP and NCP, have to work at some point during their custodial time.  That's just life.  However, be prepared that if there is a set schedule and BM has to work, your DH may have to pay 1/2 the childcare.

  

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• danac2010 member

  September 2013

  See I want the schedule to be BM has SD every Mon, Tues, DH has her Wed, Thurs, and whoever's weekend it is gets Fri, Sat, Sun because then SD would always know who has her what days.  DH doesn't want to go 5 days without seeing SD.  I get that some but BM/DH agreed in the summer to 7 days on 7days off with the exchange day being Wed after soccer practice.  Having the schedule according to BM's schedule was very chaotic and some weeks we were picking up or dropping off every single day.  BM is complaining because she said if she has to work during her parenting time she wouldn't get to see SD and that wasn't fair.  She doesn't think about what is best for SD, the consistence.  I don't see anything coming from mediation tomorrow and we will more than likely go to court but I just want to help H prepare for tomorrow.  One last question, is it just BM and DH allowed to go?  DH wondered if I needed/should go and he is hoping BM doesn't bring her oldest daughter with her.  The only reason DH wants me to go is because I do all the PU/DO when it's our time so it actually affects me more than him but I don't care to go unless I need to.

  

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• CFjo2010 member

  September 2013

  Usually just the parents are in the mediation.  However, when DH and BM were in mediation trying to figure out holidays and everything, I was in the waiting room and DH would come out to confer with me on several things.  BM got pretty pissy about it, but the mediator had no problems with him checking with me.  We were trying to get the kids on the same holiday schedule, and I'm the one who primarily handles the pick up and drop offs.  Now if BM were married, I would expect her to confer with her husband as well, since these schedules impact the whole household.  I think you being there in the waiting room is a good idea.  Even if DH doesn't need to talk to you about stuff, at least he knows you're there to support him.

  
  

  As for BM complaining she won't see SD during her time if she's working: tough cookie.  Again, a lot of parents have to miss out on time with their kids due to work, even in intact families.  That's life.

  

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• danac2010 member

  September 2013

  jobalchak said:

  Usually just the parents are in the mediation.  However, when DH and BM were in mediation trying to figure out holidays and everything, I was in the waiting room and DH would come out to confer with me on several things.  BM got pretty pissy about it, but the mediator had no problems with him checking with me.  We were trying to get the kids on the same holiday schedule, and I'm the one who primarily handles the pick up and drop offs.  Now if BM were married, I would expect her to confer with her husband as well, since these schedules impact the whole household.  I think you being there in the waiting room is a good idea.  Even if DH doesn't need to talk to you about stuff, at least he knows you're there to support him.

  
  

  As for BM complaining she won't see SD during her time if she's working: tough cookie.  Again, a lot of parents have to miss out on time with their kids due to work, even in intact families.  That's life.

  That's what I told DH.  I told him that if she brings that up in mediation that he needs to just say that he misses time with her too sometimes and unfortunately that is what happens, divorced or not.  I told him he needed to take all emotions and anger towards BM out of the equation and fully focus on what is best for SD and make sure that the new CO/schedule is in SD's best interest, even if it means he goes a few days without seeing SD so that SD isn't worried about who's house she is at that night.  She needs consistence, that was mentioned by her play therapist, psychologist doing her learning disabilities testing, and her psychiatrist.  I told him that if makes it all about doing what is best for SD and not what is best, more convenient for him he will look better since BM can't do that.

  

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• CFjo2010 member

  September 2013

  danac2010 said:

  jobalchak said:

  Usually just the parents are in the mediation.  However, when DH and BM were in mediation trying to figure out holidays and everything, I was in the waiting room and DH would come out to confer with me on several things.  BM got pretty pissy about it, but the mediator had no problems with him checking with me.  We were trying to get the kids on the same holiday schedule, and I'm the one who primarily handles the pick up and drop offs.  Now if BM were married, I would expect her to confer with her husband as well, since these schedules impact the whole household.  I think you being there in the waiting room is a good idea.  Even if DH doesn't need to talk to you about stuff, at least he knows you're there to support him.

  
  

  As for BM complaining she won't see SD during her time if she's working: tough cookie.  Again, a lot of parents have to miss out on time with their kids due to work, even in intact families.  That's life.

  That's what I told DH.  I told him that if she brings that up in mediation that he needs to just say that he misses time with her too sometimes and unfortunately that is what happens, divorced or not.  I told him he needed to take all emotions and anger towards BM out of the equation and fully focus on what is best for SD and make sure that the new CO/schedule is in SD's best interest, even if it means he goes a few days without seeing SD so that SD isn't worried about who's house she is at that night.  She needs consistence, that was mentioned by her play therapist, psychologist doing her learning disabilities testing, and her psychiatrist.  I told him that if makes it all about doing what is best for SD and not what is best, more convenient for him he will look better since BM can't do that.

  
  

  Regarding the bolded:  if you have anything in writing by any of those people about having a consistent schedule, I recommend having DH take it to mediation.

  

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• dmndsr4eva member

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  jobalchak said:

  Usually just the parents are in the mediation.  However, when DH and BM were in mediation trying to figure out holidays and everything, I was in the waiting room and DH would come out to confer with me on several things.  BM got pretty pissy about it, but the mediator had no problems with him checking with me.  We were trying to get the kids on the same holiday schedule, and I'm the one who primarily handles the pick up and drop offs.  Now if BM were married, I would expect her to confer with her husband as well, since these schedules impact the whole household.  I think you being there in the waiting room is a good idea.  Even if DH doesn't need to talk to you about stuff, at least he knows you're there to support him.

  
  

  As for BM complaining she won't see SD during her time if she's working: tough cookie.  Again, a lot of parents have to miss out on time with their kids due to work, even in intact families.  That's life.

  Our standard mediation documents from the state court specifically stated to NOT bring your signifcant other to the mediation.  It was clear to me that meant NOT to bring them at all.  The purpose of mediation is for the parents to try to reach an agreement.  I'm in disagreement with your logic.  BD and I came up with an agreement that fit the parents schedules so that we could spend time with our child.  We did not arrange a schedule where we would need to rely on someone else to do the pick ups and drop offs.  Obvisouly you think differently, but for me this is about me, my son, and his dad not about his wife, GF, or other family members.
  

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• danac2010 member

  September 2013

  Unfortuantely it's not in writing yet.  The psychologist is going to put it in her final report she said but we don't do the testing until next month so nothing right now.  The psychiatrist is a joke IMO.  She sees SD for 20 min every 3 months and gives her the ADHD pills.  The most time she has ever spent with SD is about 45 min and that was 2 years ago.  She just always says consistence is key for kids with ADHD.  I told him to call the play therapist and see if she has anything showing that she needs the consistency or anything about the housing situation but not sure he did.  I have text and called him and he must be busy at work today.

  

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• danac2010 member

  September 2013

  dmndsr4eva said:

  jobalchak said:

  Usually just the parents are in the mediation.  However, when DH and BM were in mediation trying to figure out holidays and everything, I was in the waiting room and DH would come out to confer with me on several things.  BM got pretty pissy about it, but the mediator had no problems with him checking with me.  We were trying to get the kids on the same holiday schedule, and I'm the one who primarily handles the pick up and drop offs.  Now if BM were married, I would expect her to confer with her husband as well, since these schedules impact the whole household.  I think you being there in the waiting room is a good idea.  Even if DH doesn't need to talk to you about stuff, at least he knows you're there to support him.

  
  

  As for BM complaining she won't see SD during her time if she's working: tough cookie.  Again, a lot of parents have to miss out on time with their kids due to work, even in intact families.  That's life.

  Our standard mediation documents from the state court specifically stated to NOT bring your signifcant other to the mediation.  It was clear to me that meant NOT to bring them at all.  The purpose of mediation is for the parents to try to reach an agreement.  I'm in disagreement with your logic.  BD and I came up with an agreement that fit the parents schedules so that we could spend time with our child.  We did not arrange a schedule where we would need to rely on someone else to do the pick ups and drop offs.  Obvisouly you think differently, but for me this is about me, my son, and his dad not about his wife, GF, or other family members.

  @dmndsr4eva, I do understand that it is about BM, SD, and DH.  But as DH's wife we are a unit.  

  The reason I do PU/DO is because I get off work 3 hours earlier and if DH waited until he got off work to do PU he would spend most of the evening in the car because of traffic.  Neither would get to see DD and SD would come in time to bathe and go to bed.  When we do PU/DO every other day some weeks it was really hard on everyone.  Neither BM or I mind me doing the PU/DO so why should it matter?  If it was an EOWE type thing it would be different but because this is during the week and a 50/50 type thing circumstances are different.  

  I didn't plan on going into the mediation room.  I wanted to be there for DH if he wanted me too. I know you have a hard time with your BD because it is a GF and not a wife but we have been married almost 4 years, together 5.5 and I want to be there to support DH if he wants me.  BM brings her oldest DD to everything so how is that different than DH bringing me along?

  

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• new+tothis member

  September 2013

  Whether you bring an attorney or SO to mediation totally depends on your jurisdiction. Where I live it is very common for you to bring your attorney with you. I have always done that. BD has opted not to in the past because he wanted to save money. I think it went a little smoother with attorneys but both ways worked fine.

  
  

  Call the mediators office and ask if SOs are allowed. They may have a policy against it. It may depend on the individual mediator. If BD were married or living with his GF I would be fine with her being present - she's part of DS life and everything we'd be deciding would impact her as well. BUT I've also never heard DS say anything negative about her in any way. If there were issues I'd probably feel differently. BD would have a huge freak out if I tried to bring DH.

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• twister22 member

  September 2013

  When BD and I mediated things it was us and our lawyers, and we both had a support person in the waiting area who we would discuss things with at intermittent periods. I would recommend that you go and wait in the waiting room.

  Diamonds - I understand not wanting a GF there, but she's the SM. She's a fixture in SD's life, and she's not going away. And she's the one who does the p/u, and BM's fine with it, so what concern is it to you?

  
  

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• alib32 member

  September 2013

  DH was allowed to have his attorney at mediation. He just had to let BM know, and he ended up having hers there too.

  

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• danac2010 member

  September 2013

  Thanks for the helpful advice.  DH didn't want me to go.  I have missed so much work recently with everything that my job is kind of on the line.  We talked about almost everything last night and if he needs to step out a minute I'm just a phone call away.  We made calendars showing his proposed plan through the end of the year.  We made a holiday schedule that was fair to both parents. 

  
  

  Who is watching SD when she is at work is one of DH's biggest concerns but we were both flat out told we don't get a say in who watches her, as long as BM "trust" that person with SD we have to also.  I understand this to a point but DH's concern is that we trusted BM before and SD suffered because of that trust so how can we trust BM's judgement in the future.  Thanks again for the advice.  I hope today goes well!
  

  

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