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I'm a horrible BM, flame away

CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
in Blended Families
DC was texting DD yesterday and I thought, "It's nice of him to make an effort finally".  Then DD comes in the kitchen while I'm cleaning up and starts telling me how DC and SM went to FL for vacation and how DC is getting a new car because he totaled his truck and yada yada yada.  Good for him.  Good for douchecanoe owing over $20k in CS and yet managing to find the money to buy himself a new car and take his new wife on vacay.  I am so irritated I could punch someone (any volunteers?) and then DD asks me if we're getting Disneyland passes next year.  I snapped and said, "Ask your father to apy for them since he's apparently doing so well".

I know I shouldn't have said it, but ya know what?  I'm not really sorry.  I'm so tired of DD thinking her douchecanoe of a sperm donor is so frigging great.  I'm tired of biting my tongue when she goes on and on about how wonderful he is.  Funny how she doesn't think he's wonderful when she's visiting him, only when she's home with us.  I really wish there was a law where deadbeat dads had to sign over their parental rights when they hit a certain amount in arrearages.  He shouldn't get to spend time with them if he can't even be bothered to provide any support for them.
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Re: I'm a horrible BM, flame away

  • SigirSigir member
    I don't get why she thinks he is so great... If anything she might feel jealous that she did not get to go to FL w them. I guess you can't explain how they feel what they feel though.

    You're not a horrible bm... We all have our moments when we feel pushed to the edge by statements our dc make about their bfs. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    Good for you! 

    No seriously, GOOD FOR YOU.  I truly believe that we parents, Custodial and Non-Custodial need to be open and honest about our finances.  That is the only way we can teach our children the truths about the real world. 

    At the very least, a kid in a blended family will have a better understanding about how expensive separate housesholds really are and therefore NOT be entitled.  

    At the best, this can be a really good life lesson on what happens if you do not marry the RIGHT person or have a child out of wedlock. 


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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    How did he get to 20k in arrears without serving prison time? My DH got to 2k in arrears when he was out of work for a month and before we could get BM into a court room to rectify it, they already took his passport and threatened his drivers license too.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    MrsHetzel said:

    How did he get to 20k in arrears without serving prison time? My DH got to 2k in arrears when he was out of work for a month and before we could get BM into a court room to rectify it, they already took his passport and threatened his drivers license too.


    He lives in another State and the CS agency in CA (where I am) dragged their feet contacting the CS agency in TN (where he is). Now the CS agency in TN is giving him chance after chance to redeem himself. He works as for cash so there is no paycheck to garnish. He's not on the bank account so they can't levy that anymore. Every year I get the pidly tax return of like $200, and that's it.
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    Oh, it happen all the time MrsHetzel. BM's DH is over 20K behind right now for his DD he stopped seeing (but didn't sign over rights to). Then pretends to be father of the year to my SKs. And I know this for fact, not just because DH and SF's ExW are FB friends because the county SF and she were divorced in keep their records online. They also like to fill my SK's heads with lies about how her BM is so evil she keeps her from them. He drives for a living and they still haven't even suspended his license.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Wow I'm sorry. We are in different states too, only 15 mins away but right over the border so technically different states but they were definitely on top of that communication. Again I'm sorry, that really sucks.
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    20,000 dollars is pretty effing ridiculous. I would have a pretty damn hard time not saying "WELL, when Daddy pays us the 20,000 he owes us then I will take us all on a vacation. Until then I guess we will have to sit here while he spends all his money on vacations for himself instead of meeting his court ordered financial obligation to his children." I wouldn't say it, but I would really want to.

    FWIW, the thing that keeps me from bringing up CS when XH is behind is what J has told me about his childhood. He grew up with divorced parents. They were both heavily involved with J and his sister, and he loves them both very much. They divorced when he was in the 3rd grade, and he says that being a kid of divorce was pretty easy, EXCEPT listening to his parents fight about money. His Dad was always way behind on CS and his Mom was always complaining about it in front of him. He said it was uncomfortable and he hated it. He felt in the middle and it was confusing. Every time I think about letting a bad word about XH and money slip out of my mouth I think of that. I don't want to put my kids in that position. 

    That being said, we are all human. You can only take so much. It certainly doesnt make you a horrible mother. 
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    Don't be sorry. Everyone has those moments. But I think you know that she doesn't really think he is great. She knows who and what he really is but she is projecting what she wants him to be. It hurts you to hear those things, and I am sure it hurts her just as much.
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  • Amanda88Amanda88 member
    You are human, and you are in a frustrating long term situation. Pour yourself some wine and try to relax. These things happen sometimes. 
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    xmaryrickx said:

    Don't be sorry. Everyone has those moments. But I think you know that she doesn't really think he is great. She knows who and what he really is but she is projecting what she wants him to be. It hurts you to hear those things, and I am sure it hurts her just as much.

    This. SD does the same thing. She has even fabricated some "memories" if things that she did with BM before. She WANTS to believe that BM is what she wants her to be. But deep down she knows really is not like that. I would venture to guess that your DD is doing much the same thing.

    That being said, I completely understand how it feels to reach your boiling point. And to a point, I totally believe in being honest enough with your kids so that they do see the truth.
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    You know, you can totally be honest without even MENTIONING BM or CS.  

    There is nothing to be said about doing up a real, line-item budget for your kids to see.  

    I would do the FULL running tab of what your expenditures are: rent/mortgage, property taxes*, homeowners insurance, health insurance**, car payments, car insurance, credit card bills, utilities, cable, internet, monthly food budget, monthly sundries budget***, all savings accounts****, and anything else you spend money on, like kids sports or movie night, ec 

    Total that all up into big, bold, numbers. 

    Then underneath THAT, negative number, subtract YOUR monthly income and show what is left.  Then underneath THAT number, subtract your DH's income. 

    Not once did you mention your Ex.  But the kids will definitely see that their stepfather is carrying them...






    * (I had no idea about how property taxes worked, so it was a shocker to me at 30 when i bought my condo). 

    ** (since this comes out of your paycheck, add that amount back INTO your income amount when you show your kids, but you should explain how 'before taxes" works another time)

    *** (we did that for SS because he needed to see how his name brand shampoo/bodywash/hair gel, face soap, etc cost more than double what DH, DD and I paid for our toiletries and makeup combined.

    **** (if none, put in a line item and show the blank and explain that you do not have the money for one)
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  • NdsalesNdsales member
    How old is DD? SS always tells DH that he needs to work harder so BM can afford a better car, better clothes, ect and how unfair it is that DH and I drive newer vehicles and have a large house. DH finally sat SS down and told him that Child support is to help raise SS and not a new car for BM, new clothes for BM or to pay her fines. DH explained to SS that when you work you make money and can afford to buy nice things. We are pretty sure SS understands now, because BM sent DH a text telling him to stop telling SS that grownups have jobs to support themselves. Dh did not mention that BM does not have a job, just that DH and I work hard for our things, and to make sure our kids have nice things. Guess he put two and two together. Dont worry. Your Daughter will see how BD is when she gets older 
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    Thanks everyone. I do my damnedest to NEVER bad mouth DC or BM. No matter how much they piss me off, I never want any of the kids to feel like they can't love their other parent. But I swear at times I feel like walking away from the kids when they sing DC or BM's praises. I want to yell, "Are you kidding me?!" and list all the reasons why DC and BM aren't as wonderful as the kids seem to think. But I never do.

    @Ilumine I will definitely take your suggestion and disclose the budget to the kids. Even though DD is only 10 ad shouldn't worry about finances, she can still do addition and subtraction. It doesn't take a mathematician to see how much is or ISN'T left over.
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  • Mysterious_wifeMysterious_wife member
    TN is the absolute worst with CS. My dad paid $40 a week for years on two kids. My mom would fight for more, but never got it.

    H's mom was $38k behind when SIL turned 18. They gave her back her license and told her to pay when she can. FIL will never see a dime.

    I think what you said was fine. I remember being the same way as a kid. It was like my dad would paint the world. In reality my mom was giving me thd world. I think (for me it) it is wishful thinking.
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    As someone who's parents were very very open about their budget, I think this a terrible idea for a ten year old. I had major anxiety over it, and quite frankly no 10 yo needs to be worried about that. It's not necessary.
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  • SigirSigir member
    xmaryrickx said:

    As someone who's parents were very very open about their budget, I think this a terrible idea for a ten year old. I had major anxiety over it, and quite frankly no 10 yo needs to be worried about that. It's not necessary.

    I tend to agree... I don't know what the right age is to start being more open, but I would not want my dc to start worrying about it. My dc is an anxious kid to begin w, and those sorts of details would be too much for her.

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  • nattyncbridenattyncbride member
    I second PPs.  $20k is a lot, and it hurts to even read, I can't imagine how often you are called to be the bigger person. 

    I will also say your DD is playing you some, too (not suggesting she's evil, but kids are manipulative).  She sounded pretty reluctant to go visit DC and miserable during, so to me, it's no surprise she mentions all this to you, then asks about Disney tickets.  My DS only says "I want my daddy" when I discipline him.  It's no coincidence.
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    xmaryrickx said:

    As someone who's parents were very very open about their budget, I think this a terrible idea for a ten year old. I had major anxiety over it, and quite frankly no 10 yo needs to be worried about that. It's not necessary.

    I do tend to agree with this. Living with both my parents growing up, I used to feel worried when I heard them arguing over money and what was in the checking account and yadi yada. And while I think kids should have an idea of financial consequences, (ie: can I buy this toy with my allowance? It is your money, yes you may just remember you don't get another allowance till next week...or something along those lines), they shouldn't need to know about their parents finances. Especially when that view can be distorted, like when Parent X buys a "new" car and Parent Y says "they should have spent that money on you" and then the kid feels like crap bc they think parent x is jipping them when in actuality parent x may have bought that car coz their old car shit the bed and it wasn't worth it to fix it and the new car might actually be an old car with a wicked low payment. And parent y doesn't know that, doesn't need to know that, and why should the kid know any of it or view parent x negatively because of it?

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  • bebe11bebe11 member
    I am sorry, but I don't blame you for snapping.  It is a crappy situation!

     

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  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    Ndsales said:

    SS always tells DH that he needs to work harder so BM can afford a better car, better clothes, ect and how unfair it is that DH and I drive newer vehicles and have a large house. DH finally sat SS down and told him that Child support is to help raise SS and not a new car for BM, new clothes for BM or to pay her fines. DH explained to SS that when you work you make money and can afford to buy nice things. We are pretty sure SS understands now, because BM sent DH a text telling him to stop telling SS that grownups have jobs to support themselves. Dh did not mention that BM does not have a job, just that DH and I work hard for our things, and to make sure our kids have nice things. Guess he put two and two together.

    I like this approach and will remember it down the road. I think explaining what child support is for is fair.
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    Just FYI, your DD may be trying to process her relationship with her dad, or find cool things to say about him (as opposed to "my dad is a loser who only sees me 1x a year) or even trying to open communication about him with you in a "safe" way (bringing up a vacation, not realizing that trips and money spent are a hot issue).

    While I was in school I once told a boyfriend a list of all of the people in my class who already had job offers ("Joe Schmoe got an offer from Citicorp, Jane Smith got the job at GM).  His reply to me was "why are you telling my all of these things?  I don't even know these people!" With hindsight, I realize I was verbalizing my own anxiety about not having received an offer.  I wanted to talk about it but didn't know how.

    I realize you made a mistake, but I am not in the camp that your DD is necessarily trying to manipulate.  And I think you should bite your tongue on the future.  Your DD will piece together the truth soon enough.

     

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  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    I come from an intact family and I can tell you from a young age I overheard late night discussions in not so good times. THIS had a profound effect on me and does to this day.

    I understand the importance of teaching children the value of a dollar and things like that, but I am NOT under any circumstance on board with A) the child knowing my or DH salary B) seeing what we have in the plus vs. minus column.

    Standard generic examples will suffice. Explaining mortgages/property tax/car notes are all easily done without disclosing your personal figures to a child.

     

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  • twister22twister22 member
    No flames here. But, I wouldn't tell DD what your & DH's actual incomes are. When I was a kid I saw my dad's tax return one year in his office, and I told some people his income. He was NOT pleased.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Hopeforthebest said:

    I come from an intact family and I can tell you from a young age I overheard late night discussions in not so good times. THIS had a profound effect on me and does to this day.

    I understand the importance of teaching children the value of a dollar and things like that, but I am NOT under any circumstance on board with A) the child knowing my or DH salary B) seeing what we have in the plus vs. minus column.

    Standard generic examples will suffice. Explaining mortgages/property tax/car notes are all easily done without disclosing your personal figures to a child.

     

    I would take this approach in teaching kids finances. Give them real life scenarios, such as minimum wage at x hours per week. Or I do this already with SD on a more age appropriate level for her. She understands what taxes are, what the electric/water/phone bill are, car insurance, etc. But we talk about it in numbers she can work with and comprehend. Then I normally say something at the end about "now imagine that $20 is $200. It's a lot more expensive huh? And that's a lot closer to actuality. "
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    I'd be careful showing the budget too. I was raised during the farm crisis and at 16, actually loaned my parents money.  I was re-paid, but back then, it was kind of scary when you knew other kid's parents were going into bankruptcy and losing their farms. I didn't worry until that moment when they had a very adult conversation about having to borrow from me. Their kid.  They didn't have to tell me, but I knew it was important in order to keep the farm afloat one more year.

    Granted, that's a bit more dire situation, but the money situation really stressed me out.  I was refusing to let mom by me nice clothes and I was not letting her spend money on things I really probably needed. 

    Focus on money lessons and not your actual situation.

    And as far as your comment about XH - you had your moment.  You're allowed a few.  Re-group and move forward.  

    I know it would be hard as hell for me not to say it.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    twister22 said:

    No flames here. But, I wouldn't tell DD what your & DH's actual incomes are. When I was a kid I saw my dad's tax return one year in his office, and I told some people his income. He was NOT pleased.

    I agree kids are egocentric which means they think the world revolves around them. There's nothing they can do with the info about finances except blames themselves or try to help by denying they need things or want to do things.

    Also your ex not paying support just means he's a childish doucher. It doesn't mean he loves his daughter less. It's great that he's taking the time to text with her that will go a long way to show her she is worthy and loved which is what all kids should feel
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