YOUR friendships

Spin313 · August 2013

This is a question for all of you, but especially the ones with new kindergarteners and first graders...

As your kid(s) start a new year and new friendships, how are YOUR friendships...? Most of my friends are other moms that I've met because of my kids. As our kids head off to elementary school, our friendships are sort of splintering. I get that everyone is busy and most of the ladies have younger kids and other commitments, but I'm feeling pretty sad that some people don't seem to want to put effort into maintaining friendships. These are ladies that I consider friends...not just my son's friends' moms...ya know? Some are recent preschool mom friends, but others I have known since my son was a newborn.

I know that, just like my son, I'm going to meet other friends as I get to know new families at school; but I'm just feeling a bit down about it. (On top of already being emotional about DS going to full day school).

Can anyone relate...?

4Speedy · August 2013

I guess I have been lucky because I haven't lost any friendships due to my kids starting school. As a matter of fact, it's easier now. Even though our kids go to three different schools, my 4 closest mom friends and I see each other more often now. We meet every Wednesday after drop off for coffee. We also go to lunch to celebrate each of our birthdays and now that there are no kids, we can go to much nicer restaurants.

AZ123 · August 2013

Have you been mutually putting forth the effort to structure and maintain the friendships? I have found that you have to (a) frequently get together, (b) mutually invite each other places and (c) get together without the kids in order to develop and maintain mommy friendships. The last being that it is easier to talk and to really get to know one another without the kids around to interrupt.

If the friends you're talking about are too busy and they aren't inviting you to get together frequently (or receprocating your inviations), then it is time to move on and find new friends even though you've known them since your kids were babies. Don't feel bad. Everyone goes through friend transitions on and off through life. You sort of have to filter out the lousy friends to get to the good that want to get together frequently and put forth mutual effort to maintain a friendship.

KL777 · August 2013

My friendships are still good because I'm still actively involved in my mother's group. Now that DS is in kindergarten, on my off days, I have the option to meet up with one of my mom friends for just a "girls chat" since their kids are also in school or preschool.

I agree, you have to make the effort---invite them to meet up. I just had a play date yesterday with a new member in my moms group because I invited her.

neverblushed · August 2013

I used to have a close friend whose son was around the same age as mine. They lived about 30 miles from us. I knew her because her husband and my husband were college friends. We were close enough to this couple that we spent almost every weekend with them, especially before kids came along. Our friendship lasted about 9 years.

One of the most painful conversations I've ever had was when this friend announced that she was moving to another state. "It's no big deal, right," she helpfully explained, "because -- you know -- we'll probably drift apart anyway as our kids get older. You'll wind up being friends with all the moms at your kid's elementary school and on his little league team, and I'll wind up being friends with the moms at my kid's elementary school and on his soccer team. You know how it is."

I was astonished that this woman I had counted as one of my closest friends for nearly a decade viewed friendship in such a way. She valued me so little that she was willing to throw me over for some random other women whose kids happened to pick the same sport as hers. She was already planning on us drifting apart!!

"Actually," I replied, "No. That's not how it is. When I'm friends with someone, it's not because we happen to be thrown together by our children's activities. I'm friends with people because we have shared interests other than our children, and because I'm interested in THEM as people, not just as other moms." But, in retrospect, I should have known this particular "friend" would think this. She was the one who ditched all her single friends when she got married, and who made all the still-childless wives feel like second-class citizens once she finally managed to reproduce.

I am fortunate to remain friends with a large number of people I've known over the years. I've also ditched "friends" who weren't good people -- like the former friend I mentioned above. As my kids have grown, I've been lucky enough to meet some nice people through them. Mostly these people are acquaintances. When our kids are no longer connected, I don't see them as much. We still chat at the grocery store if we see each other, but we don't make an effort to keep in touch. However, a very, very few of them have even become ACTUAL friends. Their connection to me transcends the kids. They are people I'd actually want to hang out with even if the kids weren't involved. And these people are the ones I really make an effort on. Even if we don't see each other much, we try to stay connected.

So, if these other moms are really, truly friends, reach out through email and schedule a ladies' lunch. Or see if they want to get the kids together at the park one day.

Spin313 · August 2013

Thanks for the responses. I have tried, and I feel like I'm the only one trying. Maybe it's time to just let go, but that's why I'm feeling slightly bummed and definitely frustrated.

@neverblushed, I think a few of my friends are like the friend you described.

neverblushed · August 2013

Spin313 said:

@neverblushed, I think a few of my friends are like the friend you described.

I'm sorry. Just don't hesitate to distance yourself from those people and keep your eyes open for the awesome ones.

jlw2505 · September 2013

I have a 1st grader and a kindergartner and honestly, most of my friends are parents that I have met at school events or at our Temple. I have some friends that I have know since around when I moved to MN 12 years ago but I also never felt like I had any really close friends here. Most of the women that I would consider my friends, regardless of our kids - the women that I do things with regardless of if my kids are with me - are a combo of women I have met at school at PTO meetings, hanging out while the kids are at parties or at pick up (we open enroll so no buses) and also at Temple and those are either parents who have kids the same ages or I have met through my involvement in different things. My few close friends that I have known for years and years and years do not live in MN and I met at different points in my life but for my day to day, I have a few good friends and we all happen to have kids the same ages, not all at the same schools. We may not see each other socially (just the grown ups) often but we chat online, text and talk when we can. We try and plan some adult only fun when we can but as the kids get older, we totally combine the two. For example, my older DD is in Daisy Scouts and we all went to the baseball game over the weekend. At dinner before, the kids were at one table and the adults at the other so we got our time to chat and catch up. I have biked with a few friends over the summer, done a wine night and some coffee dates with another friend. It all works out for me as my circle is pretty small of the women that I consider my friends and not just parents that I see at events but am friendly with.

Want a personalized experience?

YOUR friendships

Re: YOUR friendships

Choose Another Board

Search Boards