Living Apart from DH

CaniacMom · September 2013

We live in NC. My DH's company announced they were shutting down & due to the lack of jobs that pay a decent wage (talking about going from $23+/hour to $12-$14/hr) he expanded his job search. He got hired by a company in the Houston, TX area with a nice increase over what he makes now & so much more potential. He leaves Friday so he can start on Monday but I am going to stay here with our kids (ages 16 & 2) until school gets out this year. The 16yo is pretty self-sufficient - I will need to push him to assist with some chores. We've had to re-do child care for the LO - DH was working shifts so we only needed care 8-9 days a month & our mothers covered that. Now I need full-time care. We found a home center that will take LO on Mon, Weds, Fri and our mothers will continue providing care on Tuesday & Thursday.

I feel like I am going to be a single mom for the next 8-9 months. Any tips for balancing it all? I work a traditional 8-5 schedule with occasional travel. We are going to put the house on the market in January -February. The market here is improving and we need to maximize what we can get out of the house.

The other issue will be what my company can do with me. I think I could be of great benefit to them there. I have been open & upfront with my direct supervisor and some senior colleagues in the sales group about my move & my desire to stay with the company. We have several competitors who are based in the Houston area so that may play in my favor. Right now I am in sales support - I specialize in one line of construction equipment.

Karla CS · September 2013

No advice for you.. Just be prepared. When DH and I first got married, he spent the 1st two years working in St Louis and living in CA (Traveled M-Th, flew back on Fridays) and that was hard enough, without kids. Although I'd imagine that without having trips back on weekends, it will actually be a bit easier to establish a routine. Good luck!

MrsSDgirl · September 2013

I'm in the same situation. My DH started a new job about two hours away from home. He's been there for ~1 month. He stays up there during the week, and just comes home on the weekend. So, I'm basically a single mom during the week. It is hard, but at the end of the day it's not that bad. The first few days really sucked, but after that we found our routine and I can totally take care of both boys by myself. (This includes 2 different drop offs, 2 different pick ups, dinner, bath, bed, breakfast, EVERYTHING!) In some ways, I actually find it a little easier than when he's home because I have my own system with no one else to interfere (or clean up after!) If you find yourself struggling, then enlist the help of nearby friends or family. (My MIL lives near by, but she it NO HELP. Boo.) I'm interested to hear what other people say. But, at the end of the day I just remind myself that "This too shall pass!"

C12H22O11 · September 2013

DH travels on work stints for extended periods of time Sun night thru Friday night. He just finished a 6 week job.

My advice is to get in a groove, especially with the 2 year old. You mentioned the 16 year old is pretty self-sufficient, so I'm assuming they have a car and can pretty much do their own thing.

What really helped me is meal planning - I used the crockpot a lot or made enough meat to last an entire week (mixed it up with new veggies/sides each night - steamable pouches and canned goods got me through this). I also stuck to a pretty rigid routine. DS knew that he had 30 minutes of free time after dinner while I cleaned the kitched. After that it was bathtime/getting ready for bed. When DH has travelled during the spring/fall, dinner was always followed by a long walk (too hot right now).

And I know I'll get the side eye for this, but having a stash of DVR'd shows doesn't hurt either. Sometimes I just really needed 30 minutes to an hour of "me" time, and the DVR helped me get it.

I won't lie; it sucks. DS acts up when DH isn't home. But you can get through it!!

CaniacMom · September 2013

Thanks for the advice & encouragement.

16yo DS does not drive yet. That is one of my short term goals - to get him a driver's license & then a car. I drop him off at school on my way to drop LO off before work. It adds less than 5 mins to my commute & gives me an extra set of hands for loading the car in the AM & helps me get out the door on time. He rides the bus home from school & right now only has one activity he goes to on Sunday evenings (I can run errands while he is there).

I think meal planning will be key. I am watching for a good sale on chicken breasts to prep for easy meals. I do not eat beef so most of our meals will be chicken or pasta based. Also finding easy things to prep for LO's day care lunches.

Also, I will be giving 16yo responsibilities around the house - there are a lot of things that are easier to do without little one underfoot. I will hand some of those off to him - like vacuuming. I am thinking making us a little chart with a 30 minute or so chore or set of chores for each weekday so that we don't spend all weekend cleaning. Certain things have to be done every week not matter what - vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, etc.

romsoser · September 2013

I'm mostly a lurker, but DH spends about 6-9 months of the year overseas in 3 month chunks. It's hard, but meal planning is key as others have said.

The other key is communication. Make a set time every night to Facetime/Skype/Call your DH. Let the kids take part of the time, but make sure you get the majority of his time/attention for the call.

DH and I usually spend the first 15ish minutes discussing household things (daycare, bills, schedules, conflicts, discipline, etc) we then make a point to just chat about random things (a book I read, a conversation that he thought was funny with someone, a new thing the baby learned, the dogs funny habits, etc). It is really important for us to make sure that we maintain our friendship while apart and don't turn all conversations into business transactions.

For you this whole thing is only temporary, and you have an end in sight which is a huge positive. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's going to be lonely at times, but if you keep yourself busy and on a schedule during the week things will fly by. I'm always surprised how fast things seem to go. Most trips of DHs, I feel like the 3-4 months he's gone was only a couple of weeks. Good luck!!

reb84 · September 2013

My DH is deployed so I'm an acting single parent right now too. I will say having your house on the market and getting ready for showings is hard. I only have a 1 YO and she follows behind me and messes up whatever I have just cleaned. I actually prefer weekday showings becuase I can clean without her home. Having the 16 YO there to help clean for showings will be nice! Because really, you live in your home with children and work....who has time to keep a house 'Show ready' everyday.

preggersin2011 · September 2013

I work with several males that live more than 3 hours from their family. They go home on the weekends if they can drive and once a month if they need to fly. You aren't alone!
I'm used to the single parent situation you might find there are some things that are beneficial especially with a teenager- no ask one parent vs the other situations, or creativly getting dad to do something you know mom wouldn't do. As a single parent I usually throw a load of laundry in when i get home, then dump it on the bed & force myself to fold it before i go to sleep. I find it easier to unload the dishwasher in the morning before LO gets up. Those type of things you will have to feel out
I hated mornings but have turned into a lot more of a morning person since I have 'me' time. I'm not sure what chores your 16yr old does but legally he can emancipate himself so there is no reason why he shouldn't behave like a functional adult and pick up the slack. At that age i was responsible for dinner and grocery shopping since I got home before my mom, plus i was sent to the laundry mat with everyone's clothes and things like that too. I was also expected to work and afford my own non essential items.

Want a personalized experience?

Living Apart from DH

Re: Living Apart from DH

Choose Another Board

Search Boards