ultimatum

Holly_1007 · September 2013

I'm giving my H an ultimatum tomorrow. either he quits drinking or I'm filing for divorce. I can't do this anymore. I just woke up to him trying to take a piss into our electric box fan. When I confronted him he got very defensive and started yelling at me. I havent slept through the night in over a year because everytime he wakes up I have to monitor where he goes and what he does. He has tried going into the kids rooms, urinating in so many ridiculous places, leaving for work hours early, or being late to work. When he drinks he snores which keeps me awake at night for hours. Ive slept on the bathroom floor more times than I care to admit.
I have tried to show him that everything that is going on isnt normal behavior andhe shrugs it off. we live on a pretty tight budget, i go without MANY luxury items, yet he ALWAYS has alcohol. He can drink 2 bottles of wine in 3 hours, and does at least 4x a week. most nights he mixes: a mixed drink after work, glass of wine (or3) with dinner and then beer until bed.
do i make him sign up for AA? what if he drinks behind my back? he claims he cant sleep without it.
he also lies and hides things from me. he erases his text messages immediately after reading/ sending them. claiming that they take up too much space on his phone. do you think this is related?
I'm so tired.

MrsKipper · September 2013

That sounds like a big problem! Have you tried to get him help before? I feel like threatening divorce before trying to get him help would be counterproductive and may just push him over the edge more. I don't have a ton of advice but I would definitely try to get him some solid help soon and make sure the boys are safe, too!

amandad715 · September 2013

No real advice, but ::hugs:: What about counseling? A close family member & their spouse went through something like this about 4 years ago. Lots of secret drinking. It took a combination of AA, counseling, two rounds of detox/a 28-day program away from family, lots of talking, some come-to-Jesus-do-you -want-to-lose-your-family? Now this person has been sober for almost 2 years and is a leader in their AA group. They still go to meeting a many data of the week. It was/has been a veeeery long process. I wish you luck. No one should have to go through that, especially with young kiddos.

Unknown · September 2013

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LyndseylovesHugh · September 2013

My dad is an alcoholic, he has been sober for 27 years now. I was 5 when he got sober, so I obviously don't remember first hand, but he has talked about it throughout my life. My mom gave him the same ultimatum and they ended up getting a divorce when I was 1. It was not that he wanted to loose his family, but alcoholism is a disease and it is not something you can force someone to stop, they have to want to get help and even then it is a very long, hard road. My dad was lucky and once he finally hit rock bottom and decided he needed to get help he never drank again, but many alcoholics relapse. We have a few family friends that my dad met in AA almost 30 years ago who have relapsed over and over again. They are not bad people, in fact they are great people, and it is not that they want to have this problem, it is a disease and a very hard one to fight for a lot of people.

My mom had to make the hard decision to leave him because he was such a negative influence in her life and mine. When he was sober he was amazing, and for the past 27 years since being sober he has been the best dad (an luckily all I remember is the amazing-ness) but when he was drinking she did not want us around him. She gave him an ultimatum, he said he would stop but did not/could not, and for all involved she had to leave him. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to all of us. My mom and I did not need to be around him when he was drunk and it was the beginning of my dads downward spiral that finally made him get help. Yes it was to late for their marriage, but it helped save his life and allowed for me to have a sober, positive dad my entire life.

I am not saying all of this to discourage you, just to help paint a realistic picture. I am normally not one for ultimatums, but in this case I do think you need to give him one. He needs to stop drinking and if he does not you need to leave him. Be prepared to follow through with it if he does not get help because the most important thing here is that your boys are safe, if you are not going to follow through then do not give it to him. Marriage counseling is only going to help IF he gets help first,; he needs to go to rehab, go to AA meetings and then you can work on rebuilding your marriage and the trust he has lost. I am sorry you are having to go through this, alcoholism is a horrible disease.

ETA: Feel free to PM me if you want to talk off-line or if you have any questions. While I do not have any experience dealing with an alcoholic spouse, I do have a lot of experience with the affects it has on a family.

bakingkitty · September 2013

Have you tried going to Al Anon meetings yourself? It is a support group for families of alcoholics. AA will not be helpful if he cannot admit that he has a problem. Right after my divorce, I had an alcohol problem. It took 6 months of being drunk 6 out of 7 days, drinking until 5:30 am and having to be at work at 6 am and not showing up until 7am, 4 MAJOR blackouts and one "wake up call" (literally woken up by an officer because I passed out drunk against a fence barefoot, without id and only a block from where I live). I had to want to make that change in order for AA to work. I have a MUCH better relationship with alcohol now but it took getting pregnant and being sober out of necessity in order for that to happen. I believe that if you tell your husband that you feel that his behavior is destroying his family and that you would like to go to an AA meeting with him to see if that he could relate anything that they are saying may be a better way than just saying you want a divorce. *big hugs* it is not easy but there will have to be a major loss in order for him to understand what he is doing to himself.

MRoxy0628 · September 2013

LyndseylovesHugh said:

My dad is an alcoholic. It was not that he wanted to loose his family, but alcoholism is a disease and it is not something you can force someone to stop, they have to want to get help and even then it is a very long, hard road.

I am not saying all of this to discourage you, just to help paint a realistic picture. I am normally not one for ultimatums, but in this case I do think you need to give him one. He needs to stop drinking and if he does not you need to leave him. Be prepared to follow through with it if he does not get help because the most important thing here is that your boys are safe, if you are not going to follow through then do not give it to him. Marriage counseling is only going to help IF he gets help first,; he needs to go to rehab, go to AA meetings and then you can work on rebuilding your marriage and the trust he has lost. I am sorry you are having to go through this, alcoholism is a horrible disease.

I can relate to much of what Lyndsey said. My dad is also an alcoholic and my parents divorced as a result of it. Even after the divorce he drank for many years. He had a good 8 years of sobriety until last year and now he is sober again. I agree with Lyndsey that it is a disease and the person has to want to stop.

It sounds like this is a pretty serious problem and it's unlikely he will be able to just quit without going to rehab and/or meetings. Do you have family or friends that can help you intervene? Is anyone else aware of his alcoholism?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

AlinnJo · September 2013

Oh holly I'm so sorry!!! I would definitely try counseling first if he's willing to go. I would also try to talk to him about how you are feeling. Give him a serious timeline in which you are willing to wait and give him a chance to get help. However, if he doesn't see what he is doing as a problem, there is nothing you can do. He won't change if he doesn't think he needs to. Please let me know if you need any other type of support! You have to do what's best for you and your boys. I know you will do what needs to be done to keep your family safe. Good luck Holly!

Flamingemu · September 2013

I also have a lot of experience with alcoholism. My mother is the alcoholic in my family which has created a whole other set of issues. I didn't realize it until I went to an Al-Anon meeting on my own to learn how to deal with it.

Counseling may help, but ultimately, it has to be his decision. My mom has quit and relapsed far too many times at this point. Feel free to PM me as well if you need perspective from someone who hasn't conquered it yet.

Keep yourself and your boys safe.

linzeek44 · September 2013

I don't really have any advice, but I'm really sorry Holly. I hope he will see that it is a big problem for your family and that he will work hard to fix it.

jenndub · September 2013

Very sorry that you and your boys have to go through this. The father of my older two had a pretty serious drinking problem when we were together. He ended up cheating on me during one of his benders and he left me for her because I "wasn't fun anymore." 5 years later he can see that he was in self destruct mode. At the time there was nothing that I could do. It took losing his family for him to want to clean up his life. He still drinks more than I would like, but never when he's with the kids.

I don't know what the right answer is for you, but I do know that you and your sons don't deserve to be around that. Best of luck to you, you're a strong woman and I know you can handle whatever comes your way.

melody921 · September 2013

Holly, so sorry you're dealing with this. Rather than issue the ultimatum right away, I'd sit down with him and explain (when he's not drinking), how you feel when he does. Point out that it's dangerous, inconsiderate, unhealthy for the boys, unhealthy for him physically, etc. Offer to go to counseling, suggest AA, check out Al-Anon for you no matter what he decides. It definitely sounds like he has a problem, and it's not going to go away on its own. But he needs to want to make a change; you can't force him.

MarisaKathleen · September 2013

I would start going to Al Anon meetings yourself no matter what the outcome with your H is. It's very helpful.

Also, be prepared for a fight. Alcoholism isn't something that you usually just "get help" for and you're miraculously cured of. It's a very long road you're looking down. Which is why going to Al Anon might help you now. So you're mentally prepared for what you're going to be in for.

I'm sorry you're going through this Holly. My brother was an alcoholic. My FIL has been an alcoholic since my DH was young. I can't imagine living with that and hope that you and the boys figure everything out.

BeebopandBuddy · September 2013

I am currently working as a drug and alcohol counselor so, if you want to talk more about this privately, PM me and I will be glad to help.

Publicly, I'm just going to tell you this very frankly. If you are going to issue this ultimatum, you will be divorced. Period. People who are not ready to change cannot be forced. He needs to understand why and there is a process involved. Most people cannot just quit because they want to, much less because someone else wants them to.

MommaP12 · September 2013

I too am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way. The stress must be incredible with the children to care for.

I would also suggest not doing the ultimatum but going to AlAnon or even a regular therapist first. They can help you position your desire in a way that DH can receive it best. Mirask suggested the "when_____, I feel _____" which is a great example of a way you might need to approach this but maybe a professional can help you figure out how to deal with and approach it before going the ultimatum route.

I am a huge advocate of therapy and think everyone needs a little help with dealing and coping now and then.

Eastie156 · September 2013

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm especially sorry your LO's are around this situation. Feel free to message me offline. My Dad was an alcoholic for many years, up until a year or so before he died from liver cancer. My Mom stayed with him for many years. Wayyyy longer than she should've; but she had a hard time leaving. ((Hugs)).

eshee8198 · September 2013

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I'm here if you need anything (IRL or otherwise). Ditto PP that you can't make someone with substance abuse change - they have to want it for themselves whether you are there or not. You can decide to change your reaction to it, and what you will tolerate. It's tough, and it's scary, and it's out of your control, but sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to walk away. I'm so so sorry. I wish you strength in whatever path you choose.

misspunky · September 2013

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I grew up in an alcoholic family and I remember always wishing that my mom had been able to leave my dad and protect us from seeing all that crap. You can't "make" him sign up for AA. If you approach it like that, I guarantee he will get defensive, shut down, and drink more. (At least that's what happened in our house) My advice to you is to sit down with him while he's sober and explain exactly how serious the situation is. Alcoholics don't understand the hurt their actions cause the people around them. Instead of the ultimatum of stop drinking/divorce, I would offer to go to counseling with him or let him go alone, whatever he wishes to do. Let him know you're in it together and as long as he helps himself, you'll help him. If he absolutely refuses, then you do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children. When I say "protect", I don't necessarily mean abuse, I mean protect them from seeing their dad like that. Good luck.

GR8TDANEMOM · September 2013

I am so sorry Holly. I would suggest AA and counseling. It sounds like he really needs help. Unfortunately you can't force him. All you can do is decide what you will or will not put up with and try to encourage him to go. Maybe the reality of losing you will make him aware of how severe his problem really is. Stay strong for you and the kids, I really feel horrible for your situation.

Hyaline · September 2013

This will echo a lot of what's been said, but:

1) Seek out Al-Anon for yourself. First. Get the support of others who are there or have been there. And get informed about what counselling and AA/other groups are available in your area.

2) Talk to your H, when he is sober, about how his drinking affects you and the kids. Recognize that he will likely deny this behavior and downplay its effects. This is especially true if you've never truly TALKED to him about his drinking (ie, not while he's drunk, not offhand comments here or there, but a true come-to-Jesus talk)--don't lead with an ultimatum. Talk to him, probably more than once, and encourage him to seek help (with the knowledge you gathered in step one).

3) Recognize all this will not work if he can't admit he has a problem. You can't make him do anything, including quitting drinking or attending AA.

4) If he can't admit he has a problem, and continues to harm you and the kids with his alcohol abuse, yes, it's time for an ultimatum. But the ultimatum isn't about him, it's about you. You have to be at the point that YOU are willing to do anything to change the situation, including leaving. Honestly? I would not even be focusing on the D-word as much as I would be on just getting out and separating. Divorce can come later--getting you and your kids in a safe place comes first. Yep, it might be the wakeup call he needs. But don't use it as a bargaining chip or attempt at a wakeup call--that will backfire when he realizes it's an empty threat, and he will continue to deny that his addiction is real.

Clearly, if you feel unsafe in your situation, it's time to get out regardless, and ignore everything else I said.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this.

ktnicole · September 2013

No suggestions- Just prayers and support. If you need anything, let us know.

INmommy871278 · September 2013

If you still want to be with the sober him would it be possible to take the kids and go stay with family? Tell him you don't feel comfortable having them in the home any longer after he has drank and you need your sleep. Like others have said try counseling and getting your DH to go to AA.

If you have tried all you can and are no longer willing to be around him then tell him you are done and file. Like pp said he won't change if he isn't ready. He has to want to stop drinking in order to stop drinking.

Sending good vibes and prefers your way. Hope things turn out in the way you want them too.

OceanLover26 · September 2013

I'm sorry, Holly. I dealt with each of those issues with MH this year. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk or anything. I know how hard this can be.

L8kissie · September 2013

I don't have anything new to add. I just wanted to send sympathy and support. I'm sorry that you are having to do this. The guy I dated for 6 years before Dh was an alcoholic and I learned a lot through that experience about aa and al anon. I can't imagine it with kids involved. Good luck and pm us if we can help in some way.

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