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Help! SF is in jail WWYD?

Sunday924Sunday924 member
in Blended Families
Backstory since I came into the picture when SS was 7. BM had just had a baby with someone else and she left the baby and moved back in with her dad. Her dad kicked her out, she was homeless, and then she moved into a sober house because she said she was taking pills for the last 10 years. DH took BM to court while she was living in sober house (SS was 10) and she still got the standard visitation for our state (never had a CO before SS always lived with DH). BM met her now H while in the sober house. He has a really long record mostly DWI's. They moved out together had a baby and saw SS for a year EOW. Before that is was very off and on. Then in January BM and her H picked up and moved 4 hours away with their baby. . CURRENT I posted over the weekend that BM called and said she moved back and wanted to see SS now (13). She hadn't seen him since Jan. He went one night and came back in a strange mood. We didn't want him to go but we didn't want to be the bad guys. Well today SS comes home from school and says I don't want you to freak out but my mom moved back because SF got arrested. SS's story was he was driving with a suspended license going to get his mom's medicine and got into a wreck. They took him to jail and he could be there 3 years. Sooooo I did some searching and SF was arrested this month for DWI, possession of a dangerous drug, and possession of a controlled substance. My jaw is on the floor and we don't want SS going to see his mom because with BM's past we are 99% sure she is popping pills. We don't really have the money to get a lawyer so is there anything we can do? Would you keep him away?
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Re: Help! SF is in jail WWYD?

  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    No paragraphs again? Is it because I'm on the ipad? Annoying!!!
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    Other than filing for emergency temporary custody I think you have to let the CO stand. You guys didn't have anything written up to change the EOWE when she moved?

    Sorry that has got to be stressful.
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  • lookame3639lookame3639 member
    SF is the one who got arrested, there is nothing on BM and according to my state since SF is the one its on they will not refuse visits for BM especially since she moved and is not living with him, as I was told a CO can only order BM and BF around no one else unless there is a serious child abuse case against them. You may be able to change the CO to say SF is not allowed to be around but that may be very difficult. In order to change the CO to limit BM access to SS you would need proof that BM is popping pills. Im not saying your gut is wrong but the court feels seeing both parents is in the best interest of the child.(just my experience on situations like this yours could be different)

    As for moving forward no matter what you do you will need to go to court and file an emergency change of custody. You could with hold visits based on dangerous situation but in order to stand in court (if BM chose to pursue contempt) court would probably need to see that you have fiked a motion with the court to change custody.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    lookame3639 said:
    SF is the one who got arrested, there is nothing on BM and according to my state since SF is the one its on they will not refuse visits for BM especially since she moved and is not living with him, as I was told a CO can only order BM and BF around no one else unless there is a serious child abuse case against them. You may be able to change the CO to say SF is not allowed to be around but that may be very difficult. In order to change the CO to limit BM access to SS you would need proof that BM is popping pills. Im not saying your gut is wrong but the court feels seeing both parents is in the best interest of the child.(just my experience on situations like this yours could be different)  

    This.

    SF got arrested, not BM.  I'm a little confused in reading the post, but is SF currently in jail?  If he's in jail, the Court is going to say there is no danger to SS.  If SF is not in jail and they moved, he's probably in violation of some sort of criminal CO and that could be adequate grounds for keeping SS away from SF.  But keeping him away from BM is going to be difficult to do without having BM do a drug test.  Does BM have a criminal record involving drugs?  That may help your case.
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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    SF is currently in jail. This is his 10 th DWI and he is on probation so I'm thinking he won't out for a long time. BM moved back here with his parents because she collects disability and has no job. She doesn't have any record but it's a fact she used drugs in the past. It makes me crazy that we can't do anything. I can guarantee you she was on something when she picked him up and will continue using. Like I said before when they went to court she was living in the sober house but the courts didn't care. She has also tried to kill herself not once but twice. I guess we are stuck which really sucks.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    Sunday924 said:
    SF is currently in jail. This is his 10 th DWI and he is on probation so I'm thinking he won't out for a long time. BM moved back here with his parents because she collects disability and has no job. She doesn't have any record but it's a fact she used drugs in the past. It makes me crazy that we can't do anything. I can guarantee you she was on something when she picked him up and will continue using. Like I said before when they went to court she was living in the sober house but the courts didn't care. She has also tried to kill herself not once but twice. I guess we are stuck which really sucks.

    If you have firm suspicions when BM comes to pick up SS that she is somehow impaired (drugs or alcohol) then I would say go ahead and refuse to let her take SS.  Let her call the police and have them show up.  They'll be able to use their judgment on whether or not she's impaired, and that may help your case going forward.

    However, when I say "firm suspicions" I mean you better be pretty damn sure.  BM better have glassy eyes, slurred speech, slowed movement/reactions, absolutely reek of alcohol or drugs, etc.  You want to be in the position where if the police are called, they are definitely going to be on your side.
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  • danac2010danac2010 member
    Unfortunately PP are right.  The courts won't do anything if SF is out of the picture.  We filed a temporary restraining order against BM and her SO because SD said that SO was sexually abusing her.  BM moved SO out and the judge said that BM was no longer a threat so visitation resumed as before.  It was really frustrating because BM knew about the abuse but did nothing and then once we found out and filed we were the bad guys for making her have to move him out.  We worry that the 7 days SD is over there that SO will be back over because BM isn't over him.
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  • Mel5983Mel5983 member
    We went through the whole drug disaster with DD's BF. I had to call DYFS to tell them the situation. They requested drug tests & he would avoid them, not show, & fail. His visitation was suspended by the court because of this. I tried taking visitation away myself but the courts needed more evidence so DYFS then submitted a report for me to bring.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    I had XH's mom, uncles, XSD, and XSS written into my CO stating that they are not to be left alone with DD. My lawyer asked me, "I can put this in, but you do realize correct that this is not binding?"  I said yes but I wanted it in the CO to identify them as people I want my daughter protected from.  He told me that is all it would do - flag them in a judge's eyes that they are un-desireables and that if I have problems, I will have to get a restraining order on the individuals as those events occur.   He told me that a judge very well could say that I can't have it in there and it could potentially be removed from the CO by the judge. 

    We left it and it remained in there. XH may not realize it's not very legally binding, but it's in there and it will make him think twice.  I'll file restraining orders as needed when and if the time comes.

    So my answer to you I guess is if you fear for your child's safety with these individuals - you're going to have to file restraining orders and emergency custody requests as needed. 

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  • Mel5983Mel5983 member

    Have you gotten DYFS or CPS involved yet? This is very serious & I would absolutely file for an emergency hearing, restraining orders, ect. to protect your child. You will never forgive yourself if one of them are under the influence & something happens to your LO. In my experience, BF finally hit rock bottom when he wasn't allowed to see DD because he kept failing drug tests.

    Also, I pushed all that not only to keep DD safe but I didn't want her thinking that lifestyle was at all normal.

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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    Mel5983 said:

    Have you gotten DYFS or CPS involved yet? This is very serious & I would absolutely file for an emergency hearing, restraining orders, ect. to protect your child. You will never forgive yourself if one of them are under the influence & something happens to your LO. In my experience, BF finally hit rock bottom when he wasn't allowed to see DD because he kept failing drug tests.

    Also, I pushed all that not only to keep DD safe but I didn't want her thinking that lifestyle was at all normal.


    No we didn't get CPS involved and I'm not sure we will. I don't think she would fail a drug test because she is on disability and is prescribed medication. I know she abuses them but I feel like our hands are tied. I made another post and said that they had been to court a while back while she was living in the sober house and the court saw nothing wrong with him still going the to visit. She also tried to kill herself while he was with her (many years ago) and again the court didn't find that enough reason to have her visits removed. We told her not to come Friday so we will see what happens. Part of me doesn't think she will show.
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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    When I first made this post I was just having a freak out moment and everyone brought me back down and made me realize BM didn't do anything wrong (on paper).
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  • Mel5983Mel5983 member
    edited September 2013
    I am just giving you little insight from a similar experience I witnessed. A friend of the family was on disability,none of the meds were being abused. She had a letter from her Dr about the prescibed medication, & CPS not only took the chilren from the home but they ordered her into a 30 day rehabilitation. Her Dh was also taking them (unprescibed) so the children were not allowed near him. It has been a year & a half and the children are still in foster care. There are all different ways for CPS to prove if the meds are being abused, shared with her bf or Dh, They are there to help & in your situation, I would consider calling. It is anonymous & can't hurt any. Just MHO after what I have went through & witnessed. Good luck !
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  • Mel5983Mel5983 member
    Also, they can cntact the Dr who will then have her come in & count her meds. Just a few things I can think of off the top of my head that we went though to prove what was happening with BF. Obviously it's different in each state but frm what CPS explained to me, taking prescibed medication improperly is just as bad as buying drugs off the street. HTH!
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  • Karma1969Karma1969 member
    You can ask for drug testing but without proof its going to be hard to get that into an order. Just because he used it isn't certain she did.

    Educate your SS about getting in the car with impaired drivers. Get him a cell phone.
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