Boundaries already crossed rant...

justright47 · September 2013

So I already told my mom that I didn't want her here for the birth as being a FTM who knows if I'll be early, late etc. she is a high anxiety person and I know would stress me out just being here. So the next phone call she tells me she's reserved my aunt's condo for the whole month of April and I can just let her know when I "need" her. I live a state away so travel plans are required for anyone to visit, however I do not want to know she is within 30 miles just waiting for me to have the baby. I already feel guilty because I know she's excited, like the rest of the family but I don't want the extra stress and guilt! She called yesterday and left a msg saying she sent me a care package, the guilt is already seeping in. Today is my first appt and I plan on calling her later to tell her I don't want her here for the whole month and maybe she can reserve it the following month for a few weeks. This is also going to influence my MIL to want to be here as well:/ wish me luck, I'm not backing down on this!!

Rrrrrachel · September 2013

It's YOUR birth! Be selfish and get what you want!

Avion22 · September 2013

Stand your ground. I would say something like, "Mother, if you want to spend all month at Aunt Connie's condo, then please do it. I'm not sure if I'm going to want visitors after the birth, or how much help I might need and when. So please don't feel hurt if I don't call you. I simply have no way of knowing yet what I'll want/need in the way of help."

I'm in kind of the same boat. Except we live on a different continent. EVERYONE wants to make plans to come "help" -- my parents, my sister, my MIL. Well, of course it's super-expensive to make travel arrangements at the last minute....but I don't want a bazillion people staying in my house just waiting for me to have a baby....and then potentially getting in the way after the baby is here. I haven't had to be very forceful yet (we've agreed to fly home for Christmas, so that is occupying everyone's attention for the time being), but I plan on being as forceful as I need to be when the time comes.

cjpell0 · September 2013

We're not in quite the same situation as my mom is only a 2 hour drive but she's already asked if she should put in for vacation time. Who knows when any of us will actually deliver!!

The way I've explained it is while everyone is going to be super excited to see the newborn baby if H is home during those first 1-2 weeks, I don't really want 50 other people there to help. It would be more beneficial if they came after H goes back to work so we don't go from 50 people helping to me being all alone.

rlmanning · September 2013

Stand your ground. I had a ton of visitors the 1st week I had my DD (I thought I would be ok with it), but it took a tole on me and the baby. I was so busy making sure everyone was comfortable and had drinks and food was out that I really wasnt taking care of myself. At the end of the day I was sore and in some pain. I definitely say stand your ground.

Kristy774 · September 2013

My mom has the ability to make me feel guilty alot, especially over things I shouldn't feel guilty over.

You've got to stand your ground and do it the way you want to, I feel very strongly about that. My 1st pregnancy, I was married to my ex-husband, it was a total nightmare, I had 5 people in the delivery room, my mom, his mom, my BF, my BF's mom, and him. My 2nd child it was just me and my now husband and my mom was so mad, but it was a wonderful experience and I would never have it any other way, it was such an intimate experience between my husband and I.
My mother (3 & 1/2 years later) STILL make comments about not being in the room, to the point where she has even said she can never be as close to my 2nd child like she is with my 1 st because she wasn't in the room when my 2nd child was born! And I'm guessing she won't be as close with this one either because its just going to be my husband and I. You've got to do what's best for you.

Andrewsgal · September 2013

I guess I just don't see what is wrong with this? It's not like she is asking to stay with you. Just call her after the birth and let her help you.

sugarrush · September 2013

Andrewsgal said:

I guess I just don't see what is wrong with this? It's not like she is asking to stay with you. Just call her after the birth and let her help you.

I was kinda thinking the same thing. Im a FTM and my mom is coming in from several states away too and im looking forward greatly to the help. But then again my mom isn't being pushy and says she'll be around as much as I want her to be and she'll be staying at my aunts otherwise. The first week SO will be home on "paternity leave" so it will just be the two of us, but after that, im going to invite my mom over every waking minute

Im looking forward to sharing this experience with her. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Emily041285 · September 2013

We decided to have a "no overnight visitors" policy for the first two weeks. My DH is going to be there so hopefully we'll have somewhat of a routine down by then. But my mother is coming the week after to help me. Being a FTM too I'm a little nervous being on my own so early. My MIL? Now that's a different story. Hopefully she won't come down for a while. She makes me stress out now!

Rrrrrachel · September 2013

The only thing that's wrong ith it is she's not comfortable with it. It got be fine for 90% of people, but if its going to bother her she should say something.

BiggerinRealLife · September 2013

But at the end if the day, whether we think the mom is being pushy or not, she has a right to do her birth and "4th trimester" the way she wants to do it. As do we all. What's overreacting to some is totally reasonable to others, and I suspect she has a relationship with her mother that would make this ire stressful for her than it would for some of us.

kateleestar · September 2013

I'm all for being pushy, lol... but keep in mind, some of us would love to have our mothers alive, let alone close enough to help out post baby. I'm also an only child FTM, so... short stick, over here. Yippie! Not. Personally? Tell her you appreciate the offer, but you'd prefer the help whenever YOU need it. But... she's your mom, she wants to help.

deidremaria · September 2013

Cpelland0 said:

We're not in quite the same situation as my mom is only a 2 hour drive but she's already asked if she should put in for vacation time. Who knows when any of us will actually deliver!!

The way I've explained it is while everyone is going to be super excited to see the newborn baby if H is home during those first 1-2 weeks, I don't really want 50 other people there to help. It would be more beneficial if they came after H goes back to work so we don't go from 50 people helping to me being all alone.

That's what I'm most worried anout too. My big sister wants to fly in from NY, my mom wants me to stay at her house my first night back from hospital.... As excited as I am to be surrounded by family, I don't want anyone staying with me or visa versa. My boyfriend is taking a week off once the baby comes and that's enough for me. I don't want to get used to having a bunch of people around and then just me and the baby. And as selfish as this may seem, I kinda wanna keep my baby to myself lol.

ksulli · September 2013

I had people inviting themselves over and it made me crazy. They were all well intentioned, but alone time as a new little family is precious. I invited my mother down for week 2, which was perfect for me, especially since my mom knows how to make herself scarce for an hour or so at a time. I know staying away for that first week was tough on my mom, but it was the best thing for us.

Make a plan early with your mom & stick to it- it'll be easier for her to handle if she knows what to expect and it doesn't change (other than maybe wanting more of her when the time comes).

cczp8211 · September 2013

I know when I tell my family, I will have the same problem. My mother needs a constant reminder that there are only 2 ppl in my marriage and she is t one of them. My aunt told me a year ago that my mother told her she know I will want her in the birthing room. She's just going to have to have her feeling hurt. No way around it. That is a moment just for my husband and me. She means well, but she forgets she's already had her moments/ memories and now this is my turn. My wedding was a fiasco because of these same types of issues.
My advice: Just be honest and find a good alternative. You have to focus on you and your baby. having extra ppl involved is too distracting. The month later idea is a good one. Good luck.

Rrrrrachel · September 2013

Everybody has their own boundaries. There's not a right or wrong answer. Is important to stick up for yours, whatever they are!

Linnea503 · September 2013

Andrewsgal said:
I guess I just don't see what is wrong with this? It's not like she is asking to stay with you. Just call her after the birth and let her help you.

I agree. I wish my mom would offer to help and send me care packages.

justright47 · September 2013

It's always so interesting to see the difference of opinions! I AM grateful to have a mother, one that cares and is offering to help. I am very lucky to have a good relationship with my mom, but we've had to work hard at it due to a split family. She is a control freak and I also have that quality, especially when it comes to my first born. And if I say yes to my mom, how do I say no to my MIL? I am sticking to my guns, thanks all:)

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