Who is right?

Mysterious_wife · September 2013

I am leaving this as unbiased as possible. Hand I are in a disagreement. I want to know what you would do.

We have a set of friends celebrating their one year wedding anniversary. They invited all of their friends out for dinner to celebrate on their anniversary. They picked a fancy place that comes with a hefty bill. They are expecting everyone to pay for their own meals. (the couple will foot their portion)

Would you go? Do you think it is weird? Who should pay for what?

CowgirlK39 · September 2013

No way in hell would I go. That's like saying "hey everyone! Come out to this really expensive place and pay for a meal to celebrate something that means nothing to you!" When I was in college, my roomie invited everyone out to dinner at an Indian food place. It was expensive and just NMS. I went because I valued her as a fiend but swore I'd never do something like that again because I was so uncomfortable. It was nice for her to go do what she wanted for her bday but she was one of the only people who actually enjoyed it. I'd never put people though that. In your case, if these people love that fancy place, then they can go together and celebrate instead of asking others to join them.

MrsRustyGriswold · September 2013

It would depend who it was and how close we are and how they worded the invitation. It can go either way.

NerdyLucy · September 2013

I think that, technically, proper etiquette suggests that they pay. They invited you for a celebration, so they pay.

Having said that, in my circle, and in general in my region (I think), it's usually understood that you pay for yourself.

ho11yday · September 2013

tl;dr - I totally wouldn't go. I'd stay at home and eat my ice cream.

Celebrating a one year anniversary just seems a little weird to me. For one, I feel that anniversaries are intimate--not something shared with everyone you know. Besides, a year of marriage doesn't feel like much to celebrate, unless, of course, you are a celebrity.

However, I don't think paying for your own meal at a restaurant (even an expensive restaurant) is weird. The only problem I have with that (another reason I'd stay home) is that I would hate to spend a large amount of money on a dinner with people who I may or not be close with--I much rather spend it for just DH and myself.

Ducktale · September 2013

I would not go out of obligation. We get invited out to eat with friends or a group of friends frequently and it's understood we pay for ourselves. So if I felt like going out to eat, liked the restaurant, etc i probably would. That being said, since its framed more like the are hosting a party but you have to foot the bill, then I can see that's annoying. Especially if you also are expected to bring a gift.

BallSox · September 2013

GhostMonkey said:

I would view it as no different than if friends were going out to eat and invited us to join them- because that is exactly what is going on. You aren't obligated to go, and it is certainly not their obligation to pay for you.

This is where I am at. I think that while in the strictest sense of tradition, if they made the invitation, they "should" be offering to pay, but I wouldn't expect them too and would be prepared to cover myself.

Erica314 · September 2013

I would think it odd to pay for yourself only if it was a formal invitation - like they mailed you a card saying, "We would like to invite you to join us for dinner on XX date at XX place."

If they just called and said, "Hey! We're going to eat here on Saturday to celebrate our anniversary, you two should join us!" then I think it would be a bit rude to even think that they might pay for your dinner...

Just my opinion though, I mean it also depends on what kind of relationship you have with them.

FemShep · September 2013

If it's a formal invite, I think they should pay. If it's an informal, "Hey, we're going to this restaurant, why don't you join us?", I wouldn't expect them to pay. In general, though, if I invite someone to celebrate an occasion like my birthday, and I pick the place, I would absolutely plan to pay for the event. And if I were in your shoes, if I didn't want to try the restaurant, I wouldn't feel any obligation to attend.

kelle017 · September 2013

I wouldn't go probably just because to me it's not something I would want to spend the money on, but if I did I would totally expect to pay for my own meal.

Then again like other's said, it may be a regional thing. I'm in Michigan.

Mysterious_wife · September 2013

H and I agree we should pay if we go. Paying is never an issue. We never expect a free meal. We disagree on going. They sent Ivites (made that up) via a shared calendar on our iproducts.

I feel their first anniversary should be between them. H thinks we should go and celebrate. I hosted their reception at our house last year. Going for drinks is not an option. We will not have a sitter that late and Allie needs to be in bed.

kelle017 · September 2013

@Mysterious_Wife. I do think it's a little strange that they are making it a group celebration.

I would not have been happy if H had invited friends/family to celebrate with us on our first.

Mysterious_wife · September 2013

It was a joint choice between the two of them. H thinks it is a cultural thing. She is not from America. We will try to go. It will depend on Allie and having a sitter.

kelle017 · September 2013

GhostMonkey said:

kelle017 said:

@Mysterious_Wife. I do think it's a little strange that they are making it a group celebration.

I would not have been happy if H had invited friends/family to celebrate with us on our first.

Why? You celebrated your wedding day with them, didn't you?

True. Maybe it was because we planned to go back to the hotel we spent our wedding night at (which we did do), and that might have been a little weird.

Actually we did go to a bar (more H's idea) near where the hotel was and our neighbors were there, so we technically did celebrate with them. I had forgot about that.

But I'm sentimental I guess and wanted the memories to just be of us.

Our second anniversary was spent at the hospital celebrating our nephew's birth, so even then it wasn't just us.

BallSox · September 2013

We celebrated our first anniversary with my family (his family live far OOT). While I may not have made a big party out of it, I can see where some people might.

ghostof5letters · September 2013

If this happened in my friend group, we'd all go and expect to split the bill evenly amongst the couples.

Mysterious_wife · September 2013

MrsMuq said:
If it was something along the lines of "a group of us are getting together to celebrate John and Sue's 1 year anniversary, you're more than welcome to come celebrate with us" then you pick up your own tab.

If it was "Please join us in celebrating John and Sue's 1st annversary at XYZ on Sun at 7pm" it sounds like a party they're having and would pay their own.

But if you know in advance you'd be paying your own bill, and don't want/can't afford to, don't go.

I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.

I'm not making a deal out of it. If you read any of my replies you would know, where I stand. My OP was trying to be unbiased.

CowgirlK39 · September 2013

I never thought the issue was who was paying. If it was me, I wouldn't go simply because I would assume I would be paying on my own and would not want to, or be able to, pay for an expensive meal. Like I said, if they wanted to celebrate their wedding at such a pricey place, they could do it together and not with others. If it were something like, say. Applebee's, I wouldn't care. I do think its weird for the couple to invite people to celebrate a one year with them too.

rjeller32 · September 2013

I don't think I personally would have made a big deal out of my first anniversary, so I don't understand the purpose of it, but again that's mostly cultural. But if my friend's invited me, I suppose I might go.

If they want to spend it with their friends, and I had the time, I''d love the excuse to get together.

Everyusernameistaken · September 2013

GhostMonkey said:

I would view it as no different than if friends were going out to eat and invited us to join them- because that is exactly what is going on. You aren't obligated to go, and it is certainly not their obligation to pay for you.

Totally agree. This is one of those things I always see on the Bump but never in real life. Is it a regional thing?

My friends and family always go out for celebratory dinners and everyone pays for themselves. If someone offered to pay for everyone I'd be super grateful but would think it was kind of extravagant and unnecessary. I look at it as an excuse for a night out with people I love and am thankful to be included. If I didn't want to spend the money or the time I just wouldn't go.

That being said the one-year anniversary thing is a bit weird, but for me any excuse to go for a nice meal with good friends

Lyssapee · September 2013

as long as you don't have to split the bill and pay for other peoples drinks and what not. I might go.

Pepper6 · September 2013

Everyusernameistaken said:

GhostMonkey said:

I would view it as no different than if friends were going out to eat and invited us to join them- because that is exactly what is going on. You aren't obligated to go, and it is certainly not their obligation to pay for you.

Totally agree. This is one of those things I always see on the Bump but never in real life. Is it a regional thing?
My friends and family always go out for celebratory dinners and everyone pays for themselves. If someone offered to pay for everyone I'd be super grateful but would think it was kind of extravagant and unnecessary. I look at it as an excuse for a night out with people I love and am thankful to be included. If I didn't want to spend the money or the time I just wouldn't go.
That being said the one-year anniversary thing is a bit weird, but for me any excuse to go for a nice meal with good friends

Ditto all of this. I would never expect that an invite to a restaurant for dinner would mean that they'd be paying for me. However, because they did choose an expensive restaurant, if it's not somewhere that I wanted to go, or I didn't want to spend that much money, then I'd have no guilt about sending my regrets, though I might suggest we meet for happy hour or something at a later date depending on what the occasion is.

If dinner invites meant that whoever did the inviting had to pay, then I'd never see my friends....

Pepper6 · September 2013

MauiBliss said:

GhostMonkey said:

ghostof5letters said:

If this happened in my friend group, we'd all go and expect to split the bill evenly amongst the couples.

And that doesn't cause issues? If someone orders a $7 salad and water and someone else orders a $15 meal and an $8 mixed drink, you think that is remotely fair for them to split a $30 ticket? You know you can ask for separate tickets, right?

And if it doesn't work to go, then it doesn't.

Ugh, this. We had a couple who invited us north with a bunch of other couples for their birthday weekend. They picked the most expensive restaurant in town. When the bill came, they announced we'd just split evenly. Um, what? DH and I didn't like the place so we ordered salads and a glass of wine...everyone else went hog wild. That was a $70 pair of salads.

I had this almost happen at a bachelorette party I went to. I didn't really know the bride that well, but it was an OOT wedding and I somehow ended up going at the last minute. H and I had already had dinner, so I arrived late just in time to order a $4 beer before they got the check. It was over $500 and they originally tried to include me in the count for splitting it equally. I spoke up real quick on that one, and they were cool about it (the girl who originally counted was at the opposite end of their table and didn't realize that I'd just got there). But still...it's shit like that that makes me realize how crappy a system splitting a bill evenly is when people order different stuff.

SmileyJay · September 2013

I have never been invited out on someone else's anniversary dinner and I never plan to be. The only thing that comes close is an anniversary celebration for the 50th year of my husband's grandparents... even that was not held on the actual anniversary date because they spent it together alone... and they didn't throw it for themselves, it was a surprise by family.

So I think it is weird that they are inviting you to join them for their celebration of their anniversary when the majority of people would want private romantic time together. But, just the asking of friends to come out to a nice dinner and pay for their own meals is not a weird thing to ask. If they are very close friends and you can afford it, you should go though. Maybe they are planning to share news of a pregnancy?? If it's a best friend I would even bring a little gift that relates to their wedding.

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