Tacky or fine?

nisnyder · September 2013

Both my parents are deceased and I don't have any siblings, so I don't necessarily have anyone to "throw us a baby shower." My MIL insists on throwing us one with her friends and family and doesn't want to add my list of 20 to her guest list (which is fine,) so the hubs and I decided we would just host something small and intimate. She's been very vocal on how distasteful it is to "throw your own shower," but the hubs and I don't want to put the added stress, pressure, and financial responsibility on anyone else...I've had a few close friends offer, but again, we're just not comfortable making someone go out of their way...is it totally tacky on our end, or are people throwing their own? Thanks!

ju0725 · September 2013

Well, I am going to be "throwing my own" with the help of my mother. I just told her that my friend that would normally take the reins in this type of thing has had trouble TTC, and probably won't even go. So I am throwing my own, and she will be the host. Her friend wanted to do it but without my friends there. My mom will be involved but I will have final say in everything, and probably take on financial responsibility.

ring_pop · September 2013

I think it would be much better to graciously accept your friends' offers than to throw your own. If you're worried about the trouble or expense, perhaps you could connect them with each other so that they can plan it together.

benevolentforce · September 2013

I've had plenty of friends throw their own parties. In fact, DH and I have been to so many couple baby showers (thrown by the couple for themselves) at this point, I'd say I've been to more of those than showers thrown by ladies, just for ladies. Both are fun, so don't let your MIL rain on your parade. This is your time. Do what makes you happy!

Kewii · September 2013

I agree with ring_pop. I wouldn't host my own, especially if friends are offering. People might not say anything to you (because it would be rude), but I know I would definitely be side eyeing you.

Another suggestion, if you really want to do something for yourself, is to wait until the baby is born and do a sip and see or a meet the baby bbq. You wouldn't call it a shower and people wouldn't need to bring gifts, but it would be a way to celebrate.

avigailandcharlie · September 2013

I think it's totally fine! You can do a co-ed bbq shower, and you don't need to write "so and so invites you" or "hosted by" on the invite - just write "you're invite to a bbq to celebrate baby". Just an idea, you obviously don't have to do a bbq, but I think the general idea of that wording is fine.

Hrose7091 · September 2013

I was initially gonna throw my own. I wanted to do a coed BBQ type. But my friend told me I couldn't and took over. It ended up being a totally girly shower with a bunch of people I didn't know. It was slightly awkward but I still enjoyed it for the most part because I made sure my close friends and family were there. Do whatever you want, who really cares what anyone else thinks.

Excitedmum35 · September 2013

I don't think it's tacky. When I'm invited to a baby shower I don't even think of who organised it- or care really! Do whatever u like!!! But I would love it if a friend offered to organise it for me. I would buy the supplies tho.

bumpuser1282882 · September 2013

bandteacher said:

ring_pop said:

I think it would be much better to graciously accept your friends' offers than to throw your own. If you're worried about the trouble or expense, perhaps you could connect them with each other so that they can plan it together.

I agree with this.
Me too.

Ditto. I also wouldn't worry about the "stress or pressure" on the person hosting - most people realize that responsibilities are involved when hosting a shower. They wouldn't offer if they didn't want to do it.

Shobb414 · September 2013

I think it's fine, there's still time so maybe someone will still offer to throw one for you.
I don't think it's right that your mil can say no to the extra guests but then tell you it's wrong to have your own if she knows your situation.

TradeMama · September 2013

I think it's tacky to host your own shower since it is a gift giving event. I'd either let your friends host or wait til LO is born and host a sip n' see.

jazzyexpo · September 2013

I don't see and problem with it and never have.

rockopera · September 2013

TradeMama said:
I think it's tacky to host your own shower since it is a gift giving event. I'd either let your friends host or wait til LO is born and host a sip n' see.

This. Celebrating the baby is one thing - do it after the baby is born. Or have a party that has nothing to do with the baby if you want to see your family and friends.

A shower is a gift to the mother-to-be and is a gift giving event. Throwing it yourself is holding a self-fundraiser to get stuff and be the center of attention.

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farmrose · September 2013

I'm kinda surprised by these responses-but I guess it depends on what acceptable to your circle of friends/family. I personally would think it's a little gift grabby/rude to host your own shower-so don't invite me

- as PP have suggested. A "shower" coed, casual, or traditional implies that it is a gift giving occasion. You shower the bride or new parents with gifts. If you want to host something for your friends and family I think like others said a sip and see after baby arrives or just a party/celebration pre-baby would be a good alternative. Or let one of your friends host. Most people won't offer to host unless they want to and most understand the time and financial commitment.

VineyardMel · September 2013

rockopera said:

I think it's tacky to host your own shower since it is a gift giving event. I'd either let your friends host or wait til LO is born and host a sip n' see.
This. Celebrating the baby is one thing - do it after the baby is born. Or have a party that has nothing to do with the baby if you want to see your family and friends. A shower is a gift to the mother-to-be and is a gift giving event. Throwing it yourself is holding a self-fundraiser to get stuff and be the center of attention.

Yes, yes, yes.Throwing your own shower is inviting people over to give you gifts--that's why it's tacky. Almost all of the baby showers I've been to (and I'm old so I've been to A LOT) have been hosted by friends, not by family. If you can still accept your friends' offer to host one, do it! If not, skip the shower all together--lots of people don't have them if they don't have someone to throw them. You can always have a celebration to meet the baby after s/he's born.

pattipants · September 2013

I think it's tacky to straight-up throw your own shower. My family lives 1,500 miles away, and I have just a small circle of friends where I live, so I'm not expecting a shower. Receiving gifts is nice, but DH and I are already planning on buying the stuff that Baby will need -- that's part of being a parent. (Get used to it; you're going to be buying all kinds of stuff for the next 18+ years.) My guess is that my local friends will probably buy us small gifts anyway, but it's presumptuous to count on anything.

Stephrm1231 · September 2013

Here's my take on it...I "threw" my own wedding. DH and I both come from lower income families. I put registry info in the wedding invite. Was that tacky? I don't think so. If you want to throw your own do it. I would never think to myself that someone was tacky for throwing your own in fact I would have no thoughts about it at all! I say go for it!

TradeMama · September 2013

Stephrm1231 said:
Here's my take on it...I "threw" my own wedding. DH and I both come from lower income families. I put registry info in the wedding invite. Was that tacky? I don't think so. If you want to throw your own do it. I would never think to myself that someone was tacky for throwing your own in fact I would have no thoughts about it at all! I say go for it!

Not the same thing at all. Weddings are not, by nature, gift giving events. Hosting your own wedding is fine. Hosting your own bridal shower, however, is not. Showers themselves are supposed to be gifts.

craftiemommie · September 2013

I think it's fine. I wouldn't even think twice about it if I was an invite. People throw their own birthday parties and goodness knows we were spoiled with gifts for a wedding we threw ourselves. I think people would understand that you are in a position that is a little different. If you are that worried, just call it a party. I think it is beyond rude that your MIL won't let you invite any friends to a party for your baby! So weird.

katykatykaty · September 2013

I vote tacky.

rubylovebug · September 2013

I agree with those that are saying to allow your friends to host. Showers don't have to be big expensive galas - they can be simple living room events that aren't much cost or burden. You can also offer to help supply food or decorations or something to offset your concern for your friends. That way you're not "hosting" but aren't burdening others.

I find that most people who offer DO want to help & be involved, & that they wouldn't offer if they didn't want to do it.

nisnyder · September 2013

I appreciate your responses and can totally see it from both pov's! I wish we could just give my MIL some extra dough to add my guest list, but it is what it is. The "sip and see" (never heard of this!) might be more our style anyways, because we weren't necessarily seeking gifts, but wanting more of a celebration for our new addition with our close friends. Again, I appreciate all of your responses, thank you!

Rrrrrachel · September 2013

Stephrm1231 said:

Here's my take on it...I "threw" my own wedding. DH and I both come from lower income families. I put registry info in the wedding invite. Was that tacky? I don't think so. If you want to throw your own do it. I would never think to myself that someone was tacky for throwing your own in fact I would have no thoughts about it at all! I say go for it!

Yes, that was very, very tacky.

Missfunball · September 2013

definitely not tacky to throw your own but if you have friends that are excited for you let them do it or let them help! The minute I told my close friend here I knew that she wanted to be on baby shower duty and it really makes her happy to make something happen like that.

nisnyder · September 2013

Darbie914 said:

Stephrm1231 said:

Here's my take on it...I "threw" my own wedding. DH and I both come from lower income families. I put registry info in the wedding invite. Was that tacky? I don't think so. If you want to throw your own do it. I would never think to myself that someone was tacky for throwing your own in fact I would have no thoughts about it at all! I say go for it!

"Yes, this was extremely tacky and people were probably talking about it behind your back.

A wedding is not a gift giving event, although many people choose to give the bride and groom a gift. The purpose of a wedding is to celebrate the new couple on their new beginning together.

Showers are gift giving events, as to SHOWER the BTB or MTB with gifts. That is the purpose of a shower and are gifts in and of themselves.

You should never throw your own shower, as that is a gift someone gives to you. It is not a right or an entitlement when you have a baby. Since your MIL is hosting a shower for you, you're already getting a gift. It does stink that you can't invite people on your list but if she has a strict budget to adhere to, then there's not much you can do about it. Since other people have offered to host another shower for you, you can either accept or decline.

I like PPs suggestion of a Meet the Baby party after the baby is born.

"

Eek. Not sure if you saw my recent response, but as I said above, we would've payed for the extra head count so it wouldn't have affected my MIL so dramatically; but she would rather keep it her family/friends, which again, is totally fine. In no way, shape or form do I feel "entitled" to anything because I'm having a baby- the hubs and I simply wanted to share our joy with our close friends, which is why we thought of doing our own thing...again, I believe the "sip and see" is more for us and the route we'll likely go so no one feels offended.

rockopera · September 2013

A wedding is a celebration that you invite people to. And the reception is then a gift to your guests, which is why you throw it and provide food and drink and entertainment. Gifts are optional.

A wedding is not a fundraiser, and for any event, other than showers, it is very tacky to put registry information on the invite. Again, it's saying "help bankroll my life." You should be able to provide for yourself in your decisions and getting married and having a baby should not be occasions to force your loved ones to give you things. Which is why a shower should be a gift to the bride or mother-to-be.

Yes, people want to celebrate with you and may want to buy you things. But it is gift-grabby to host those occasions for yourself.

rockopera · September 2013

@nisnyder - just want to say sorry you're in that position and your MIL isn't helping. A meet the baby party, or even just a non-baby party with friends and family may be the way to celebrate your joy with those who are important to you. Good luck!

SassyFlats · September 2013

I have 3 friends offering to throw me a baby shower-- I expected zero!! I graciously thanked them all and asked if they'd like to do it together (I don't have a large group of friends where I live, so it's not going to be anything huge). They all agreed, even though they don't know each other well... But I love this because now I feel comfortable that costs will be spread out-- however I totally know they wouldn't offer if they didn't WANT to do it and were prepared to give me whatever party is in their budget.

Obviously I opted to accept my friends' generous offer, but if that idea makes you really uncomfortable, I think the post- baby sip &see is a great option for you! DH and I will probably do that too since I don't want any visitors except immediate family at the hospital for LO's birth and I'm sure family and friends will be excited to meet baby, too.

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