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WWBFD? Long post

SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
edited September 2013 in Blended Families
So, as I have posted before our timeshare has changed recently. XH only sees the kids from after school on Friday, until Saturday night when he leaves for work. Well, DD gets him all day most Fridays and DS doesn't get to see him until afterschool. There have been some adjustment pains.

This weekend XH tells me the DS refused to leave the house the whole time he was there. He didn't want to go to the grocery store, he didn't want to go to the car show that they had planned to go to together, he didn't want to do anything except sit at his Dads house. When XH did make him leave to go do some things as a family he was miserable the whole time. He expressed to XH that he didn't like to leave the house because he felt like it was wasting the time that he had there and since he only has a little time there now he didn't want to waste it. (Obviously we super sad that he is having a hard time with all this)

Papers came in DS' folder from school saying that the soccer program starts for kindergarden and first graders next Saturday. XH called and asked me about it and we agreed it would be perfect because we can both make it and they are looking for coaches so XH would like to help out. XH also coached for DS basketball team last year and they had a great time together. DS is in first grade and this would be his first year doing soccer, which he has previously expressed to us he would like to do.

XH calls me back a few hours after the first convo we had and tells me that he asked DS about soccer and DS said he was not going to do it because he didn't want to lose time with his dad on Saturdays. XH said he explained to him that it would be something they could do together and it would be fun. DS refused and also said he wasn't interested in doing basketball again this year either because it might take away his time with XH. Basketball is during the week so it actually gave DS extra time with XH. He wasn't hearing any of that though so XH dropped it. 

So, DS (who has absolutely loved the two years of tball and year of basketball he has already played) is now refusing to try a sport that he has begged to play in the past (we couldn't do it last year because of our work schedules) because he doesn't want to leave the house during XH's time. Its obviously a reaction to the time share change and IMO it is an unhealthy one. XH agrees that he should still be participating in activities and doing things on the weekend (that of course involve spending time with his Dad) and he shouldn't be just sitting inside the whole time he is there.

I signed him up for soccer. I am thinking (with XH's blessing of course) that I should make him go to the first practice and just check it out and see if he likes it. If he really doesn't want to play after that then we can drop it. There is no sign up fee. I just fear if he decides next year that he wants to play then his peers will have had two years of practice before he even starts and he will be so behind that he wont even want to play. Also, like I said I just want to get him out of this pouty 'I cant leave the house' thing.

WWBFD?
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Re: WWBFD? Long post

  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Let him try it yet but I would not force the issue because he has a valid point. As for the other kids being better than him, he is little and another year of playing is not a huge deal if you practice at home.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • hopankahopanka member

    You're doing the right thing, IMO. It's obvious DS's is just reacting to the change, but he doesn't have the bandwith yet to understand that he's further hurting himself. My DS a-priori refuses 99% of the things that are new, but when I gently push him to try them, he ends up liking the majority of them. Kids just can't think that far in advance. They just think about the "right here and right now". And that to your DS means that he shouldn't do a single thing, just so he doesn't miss time with dad at his house. Once he realizes that he's actually spending quality time with dad on the soccer field and they're doing something fun together, he might just forget about his first thought about the idea.

    On the other hand, it would be good to try and figure out, if XH can extend his visits - at least sometimes. Either keep the kids until Sunday, or take them Thurs after school instead of Fri. I know he would probably have to commute them to school Fri morning, but if that's doable at all, maybe it would be worth it. I bet it's hard on the kids this way and you can't really blame them.

     

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    @hopanka I wish XH could extend visits. He is out of the state 5-6 days a week for work. He has them when he is home. Friday nights and Saturday during the day is all he can do right now.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I may be the minority here, and I doubt even my DH would agree. But I would sign him up anyway especially since you and your X are such good communicators and really good at attempting to co-parent. I think of it kind of like making the kids go play something active when they have been in front of the tv too long. Sometimes a parent needs to push them to do what they know is best and if he truly doesn't like soccer; he doesn't have to pay again. It's not about the soccer. Is about maintaining some sense of normalcy and routine and not allowing him to get stuck in some depressive rut. Especially since you and your X know he can be involved in these sorts with your DS.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    ambrvan said:
    I may be the minority here, and I doubt even my DH would agree. But I would sign him up anyway especially since you and your X are such good communicators and really good at attempting to co-parent. I think of it kind of like making the kids go play something active when they have been in front of the tv too long. Sometimes a parent needs to push them to do what they know is best and if he truly doesn't like soccer; he doesn't have to pay again. It's not about the soccer. Is about maintaining some sense of normalcy and routine and not allowing him to get stuck in some depressive rut. Especially since you and your X know he can be involved in these sorts with your DS.
    This.  

    My DS was perfectly content playing video games and being lazy around the house, and he had a horrible attitude and awful mood swings when he was 10.  I finally had enough and told him to pick a sport, any sport, because he needed out of the house and needed a place to focus his aggression.  He picked karate and that was a bust.  Then he picked football and discovered he LOVES it.  Kids need an outlet sometimes, and if putting DS in soccer provides that outlet that's great.  And having BD coach is even better.  If after this season he doesn't want to play, he can find something else.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    I say sign him up, and have XH be involved in the coaching. If DS truly hates it, then he doesn't have to do it again.
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